⚠️Warning: Sensitive topics regarding suicide and depression ahead, if you feel triggered please don't read this chapter. And in this chapter, by no means, none of the actions are being promoted.
Spring of Junior year of high school
The bell rings, and our teacher sighs, knowing nothing will keep the students in their seats now. He repeats the homework louder for the thousandth time, his voice carrying over the chatter that has already begun. Most students have packed up their textbooks and are ready to rush out of the classroom.
Slowly, I start to gather my stuff. By the point I'm done, the class is empty, save for our teacher. He smiles at me, his gaze drowning me in pity I didn't ask for.
I force a smile before walking out.
The hallways are full of rushing students making their way to the cafeteria for lunch.
It's like gravity is tugging me down harder with every passing second, along with my notebooks. With slouching shoulders, I go to my locker.
Nightmares have been chasing away my sleep. I've been barely keeping my eyes open in classes.
I had experienced this, but never for two weeks straight.
Life's been happening to me. Everything is a blur, a rush of unidentifiable movements.
I resemble a stone in the middle of a streaming river; the water moving from all sides but not taking me along with it.
Placing my books in my locker and shutting its door, I press my head to the cool metal. A sigh escapes my lips. I think I might collapse at any moment.
With significant effort, I push myself off of the metallic door of my locker by reminding myself that I have to meet Jace.
I've been avoiding Jace for the past fourteen days, as much as possible. He wanted to be at my side, but I just need to be alone. I don't want pity. Not from Jace.
To hope he would understand me will only lead me to get disappointed in him.
No one understands me.
It feels like I'm the only human being in this whole wide universe, while painstakingly being seen and pitied by every living soul.
My legs take me to the library, and there he stands, glancing at his watch. Jace looks up and his eyes land on me, in an instant a smile makes its way to his face as he approaches me.
"Ellie!" He enthusiastically greets me.
I feel like shit for not giving him the same energy back.
Jace's smile falters, "Eleanor," he softly says and then wraps his arms around me, drawing me to himself.
I want to push him away, or even hold my ground, but I can't find the strength for it so I give in and lean into him. Closing my eyes, pressing my head to his chest, I inhale his scent.
Jace's arms tighten around me, one of his hands rubs idle circles on my back as he presses his cheek to the top of my head.
"Hey, it'll be alright, you'll get over it," he murmurs.
In normal circumstances that would've made me lash out, but I'm too tired to even nod, let alone start an argument.
I pull myself out of his embrace; he rests his palms on my shoulders. They feel too heavy, pressing me further down to the ground.
"Jace," I begin, but he interrupts me.
"Hear me out, I want to tell you something important... actually ask an important question," he says with a small smile. Shifting his weight from one leg to the other, he inhales a sharp breath.
"Please, not now... I just, I can't I'm sorry," I shake my head and ebb.
"Ellie, quit pushing me away," his voice trembles, his Adam's apple bobs. I rub my forehead and retreat.
I hate myself for doing this to him.
He deserves a better friend. Not an awful person such as me. I don't deserve him.
"El, come on," he speaks firmer.
I recede, avoiding to look at him.
"How long will you stay hung up on it? It's not worth it," he repeats himself for the hundredth time in the past two weeks and nears me.
He still doesn't understand me. It isn't just being rejected from the examination. It's everything. I tried to explain it to him, but I couldn't. He wasn't open to understanding me, to fathom my thoughts.
My heart hammers in my chest, I whisper, "I'm so sorry,"
I'm sick of this life. Sick of every single element that sums up and makes my life.
I take another step back, turn, and walk away from him. Each stride longer than the previous one, putting more distance between us.
I rush to the parking lot while fishing my phone out of my pocket. To text Frank, telling him not to wait for me, I'll be staying extra hours at school.
It doesn't matter I'm lying.
As I step out, I instantly regret it. Should have gone from the front door.
Before I get the chance to return inside the school's building, James spots me and shouts, "Hey loser," making the rest of the gang angle in my direction.
I avert my gaze and hope they won't go further than this for today.
"Did you really need an exam to make it clear you're stupid?" Will asks with an unnecessary amount of seriousness, tapping his cigarette with his index finger before they burst out laughing.
I trudge towards the exit without looking up.
"Hey, where are you running to, freak?" Sophia blocks my way, tossing her hair.
"Maybe she's finally going to do a favor to all of us and kill herself," Amanda muses.
"Yeah, why don't you do that," Rebecca agrees, leans closer to Calvin, as if seeking his acceptance, and when he smirks a smile twists her lips.
I watch Amanda. Her brown eyes move from my tip to toe as if sizing me up, while twirling her dark locks between her fingers. I drop my gaze to the ground.
Will inhales through his cigarette and takes a step towards me, "What are you good for anyway, loser?" his smoke filled breath washes over me.
Tina and Olivia are the firsts to snigger and the rest join them.
I hold back my coughs with effort, tears blur my vision, and I blink rapidly.
"She might make a useful trashcan," Jacob suggests, and they cackle.
My palms start getting clammy.
"If she doesn't fail in that," James adds.
I dare myself to scan my surroundings. James draws a long drag before exhaling, creating a white cloud of smoke.
Adrien is leaning to one of the cars, his arms crossed, sleeves rolled up to his elbows as usual. His eyes burning holes through me, his expression indecipherable, looking somewhat infuriated. I look away at once.
"Let's try," Will announces moving backward and before I can perceive what he's doing, he throws his half-smoked cigarette on me, making everyone laugh and for James to follow suit.
I shift and shut my eyes as it hits my shoulder and they howl with amusement.
Blocking out their voices, I stand there staring at the cracks of the pavement. And detach myself from my body, switching off my brain.
I hear their sounds but not process them. The sound of their laughter reaches my ears as though my head is underwater and they are above the surface.
Adrien pushes himself off of the car and approaches me, I set my focus on his shoes. He stands in front of me in complete silence.
I wait for his vituperative remarks, but it never happens. I force myself to peek at him, but my eyes lock with his, an unreadable emotion swirling in them.
His head tilted to the side. He holds my gaze with slightly furrowed brows, his lips part, and his eyebrow twitches.
In a soft whisper he starts, "Elean-" but gets interrupted.
"Adrien!" Sophia calls out, annoyed why he hasn't started with his insults.
Whatever was happening in his mind stops and changes direction. He pulls the mask that had momentarily slipped, back on his features and his gaze hardens.
I fix my blank stare on a tree behind him.
"Stop showing up to school Eleotard, it's exhausting seeing your miserable, ugly face every day," Olivia says.
"That's enough," Adrien cuts through their snickers, causing them to pause abruptly.
I catch a glimpse of him; I don't have the energy to get surprised or question what has gotten into him.
"What?" Sophia spats, looking irritated. She opens her mouth to continue, but Adrien beats her to it.
"I said it's enough. Don't want to ruin my day with this pathetic excuse of a loser," he states in an icy voice, stepping backward. And makes his way to the entrance of the building.
As he gets a safe distance away, I sigh and walk out of the parking lot.
"Eleanor!" Jace calls from behind me, forcing me to halt in my tracks for a moment.
I'm sorry.
Fastening my pace, I head out of the property without sparing a glance at it.
I hug myself and set on the sidewalk, scuttle away from the school as though I'm running my thoughts.
If Mom and Dad find out, they're going to be so mad and disappointed at me, but I can't bring myself to care for that.
Nothing matters any longer.
The spring weather feels good on my skin.
A peaceful numbness takes over me as I march block after block in New York City, in an attempt of capturing everything and anything, as much as I can.
The empty streets and sidewalks. Lifeless, similar to me.
I hated being numb; it made me hollow, unable to think, but now I embrace it.
My legs carry me of their own accord and eventually, I find myself in the park near our house.
I sit on a bench and stare at the mothers pushing their kids on the swings, children playing on the playground, oblivious to what the future holds for them. So free.
When did everything get so awry?
Where did I go wrong that it brought me to this point?
My heartbeat rises, drumming in my ears, the world pressing in on me.
There is no hope for me.
I've lost myself, I don't even know who I am anymore.
I gasp for air. Where did I lose it all?
Why did it become like this?
Life rushes by me as I struggle to catch my breath.
I'm so tired of trying.
With deep breaths, I fill my lungs with the fresh air, tightening my arms around myself.
Trapped with no way out. No, there is a choice. Only one.
The sky is too blue; I wish it was grey. Why is the sun shining so brightly?
I don't belong here.
As my breathing goes back to normal, I push myself to my feet and mindlessly plod out of the park, grateful for my knees not giving in.
My legs take me home and I stand on the porch for long stretched moments.
I check my watch, reading three.
With a sharp inhale, I let myself into the house. Sarah, our house's caretaker, sees me and greets me with a beam.
I don't deserve it.
I try my best to return the smile but fail, my face's muscles straining and protesting.
Walking up the stairs I study pictures, taking my time memorizing every detail as though my life depends on it.
Not that it matters how I spend my time anymore.
Eventually, I get into my room, my hands shaking and my knees barely holding my weight. I drop my bag next to my desk and then plop down on the bed.
My entire body trembles, the sound of my ragged breathing fills the place.
I'm being suffocated.
Tears burn my eyes, I blink them away while fishing out my iPhone. And stare at the black screen.
After prolonged moments, I unlock it and open the contact list, scrolling through it until I stop on Theodor's name. My trembling finger hovers over it.
I have nothing to say, it's too late for that now, but I need to hear my brother's voice, I miss him. When was the last time we spoke? I know he's busy, but still, he can set aside a minute for me... right?
I tab on his name and choose the call icon. With uneven breaths, I press the phone to my ear, fighting to even my breathing so he won't be able to notice if something is wrong.
I wait for the third ring, but the beeping sound signaling a declined call carries through my phone's speaker.
A humorless laugh bubbles out of me, I stare at the screen until it goes off.
I don't blame Theo for not wanting to put up with me. Dad was held up in the hospital the whole night. I wish I could do it on another day, but I can't wait anymore. Perhaps, Mom and Dad, both won't come home tonight. Maybe both of them will have operations lasting more than twelve hours.
I toss my mobile on my bed and watch out of the window. The sky has darkened, matching my mood.
Droplets of rain splashing on the glasses, trickling down. I trace a few with my gaze before plodding to the windowsill and tracing their movements with my fingers from behind the glass.
A tear falls from my eye, followed by another. I look around.
I ripped apart all the astronomical charts, pictures of galaxies, and the places of each constellation I had stuck to the walls. Wanted to burn them, but I knew Sarah would tell Mom and Dad, and I didn't want to face the aftermath.
When I found out about the rejection, I was mad at school, my parents, at the questions. But most of all at myself. Soon the anger gave place to disappointment. I had disappointed myself.
It was the sole reason for my happiness; I didn't feel an outcast when I was busy with solving its problems or understanding the meanings of its equations. I thought I'm good enough for what I loved, but I wasn't.
Just like I'm not for anything.
Worthless, that's what I am. Taking up space and wasting oxygen.
I couldn't manage schoolwork and that astronomy competition together. I sacrificed what I cherished the most so Mom and Dad wouldn't get disappointed in me.
Yet, nothing is ever adequate for them. Neither is for me. I'm always not good at something. Nothing's ever enough for me, I could have done better, but I failed myself.
Expectations are suffocating me. My obsession with perfection is tearing me down. All these flaws are drowning me.
No one understands me. It's like I'm screaming and crying and yet nobody hears.
I used to think I'm good at one thing, but I failed at that too. What else do I have now?
Everyone hates me, I'm not accepted, not wanted.
Maybe living is not for me.
I am so drained of being the one everybody despises. I have nothing, nor do I want this life.
The truth is, I hate who I am, the way I am. I loathe everything about myself and my life. Every single factor. When I look in the mirror, the girl staring back at me disgusts me.
I choose not to live.
There is no hope.
Nothing will ever get better. It'll continue getting worse. I can't hold on anymore. I don't want to go through the anguish any longer.
My knees give in and hit the ground, pain shoots through them but I can't bring myself to care.
I let the tears fall freely.
"I'm sorry," I whisper with trembling voice.
To myself, to my dreams. Dreams that will never come true. The expectations I had from my life. The life I wanted for myself.
I apologize to myself for not being strong enough.
I allow myself to grieve for myself and my lost dreams and hopes.
Everything's been a dark whirlwind of agony. Every single day, for a long time. I just can't anymore.
I hug myself as the tears flow down.
It's just too much. Everything is too much. I never wanted this. I'm so tired of suffering.
With great difficulty I push myself up to my legs, wipe away my tears and trudge to the door, opening it and tiptoe to Mom and Dad's study. I let myself in, and close the door, setting towards the cupboards I know they keep most of the pills in it.
On top of their study desk in the middle of the room, they've placed a family picture, I pick it up and gaze at it.
"I'm so sorry," I murmur looking at my parents' smiling face, fresh tears gather in my eyes.
They should have had a better child. Theo and Avery deserved a proper sister. I move my fingertip across the cool glass.
I'm sorry I wasn't a good child. I apologize, I couldn't make you proud. And I'm sorry for the pain I'll be causing, but I know you'll get through it. You're all better off without me. After a while, no one will remember me. Time will fix it. But till then, I'm sorry.
I hug the picture before placing it back on the desk and move to the drawers. Kneeling in front of them, I open it and pick multiple bottles of Advil and the pills I take for my uneven heartbeat caused by the anxiety. After closing the drawer, I push myself to my feet, holding the plastic containers to my chest, I walk out of their study and return to my room.
I shut the door, and place the bottles on the nightstand. Then pull open my nightstand's drawer and take out all my stomach reflux pills, and remove the lid of my glass of water placed on top of it.
I pick up my phone and unlock it again, this time scrolling through the gallery, until I find the picture Jace took of us weeks ago. We looked so happy. I cradle it, a fresh set of tears burn my eyes.
"I'm sorry," I whisper with a trembling voice to Jace's smiling face.
He deserved a better friend. He doesn't deserve the pain I'll cause him.
I'm so sorry for what you're going to go through. I hope he one day finds it in himself to forgive me.
I wish I could be a good friend to him. A more fitting person, but I'm not.
And I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to.
I hug my phone for a bit longer, before laying it aside and kneel on the floor.
Slowly, I put the bottles on the ground in front of me, and at last, I place the glass next to them.
The only sounds are my loud heartbeat drumming in my ears, and the rainfall hitting my window. I stare at trails of the raindrops for a long moment.
It'll be over soon. I'm going to be free, unbound.
The thought brings peace, the trembling of my fingers subsides as I unscrew the lid of the first bottle and empty half of its content in my palm. Glancing at the digital watch on my nightstand, it reads 3:37.
I inspect the pills as a song from Bring Me the Horizon plays in a much slower rhythm in my head.
Can you hear the silence?
Can you see the dark?
Can you fix the broken?
Can you feel, can you feel my heart?
The lump in my throat keeps growing, in a different tune, and cracked whispers I sing the lyrics, "Can you help the hopeless? Well, I'm begging on my knees. Can you save my bastard soul? Will you ache for me? I'm sorry brother. So sorry lover. Forgive me father. I love you mother."
Pausing and inhaling a shaky breath, I swallow hard and try to ignore the lump as best as I can. But a drop of tear escapes my eye and falls on my knee. I continue, "Can you hear the silence? Can you see the dark? Can you fix the broken? Can you feel my heart?" my voice breaks, but the lyrics play in my head.
I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim
I swallow the pills with a small gulp of water, repeating the action until nothing remains, other than my growing relief, and the promise of no more agony.
A smile creeps to my face.
I'm going to be free now.
The pain is going to end. Just a few more hours left.
After putting away the bottles in the drawer I walk to my desk, finding a clean piece of paper, I seat myself behind it. And try to line my thoughts to write something. Eventually, I start.
'My dear family
I didn't like my mind. Everything is just so heavy, and even though in the end it won't matter, I'll always and forever be sorry for causing you pain and being a disappointment.
You all deserved a better child/sibling. I'm sorry I couldn't be that person.
I hope one day you can find it in yourself to forgive me.
Yours truly
Eleanor'
I put the pen away and place the paper in a way that it should catch one of their attentions.
They'll get over it, I know.
Peacefulness fills me. A sentiment I haven't experienced in forever.
I change into something comfortable and head to bed. With a smile and a sense of relief, I pull the covers over myself, drifting off to sleep knowing the pain will be over in no time.
At last, I'll soon be free.
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((Okay, not gonna lie, this is the hardest chapter I've written in 20 years (and that is something coming from a 20 yo) so any sort of feedback will be appreciated.
And at last, thank you so much for reading, I promise next chapter is better XD and I'll upload it in the following 12-24 hours)