Now I had to figure out how to go about telling Ed. I couldn't just call him up and be like, "Hey, I broke up with Shawn so we can date now." I still didn't even know if he would talk to me. If he wouldn't, I would be the biggest idiot in the world. Something I probably deserved.
I typed out texts so many times to send him, but I always chickened out. I had never been nervous to talk to him before. I kind of wanted to just wait around until he contacted me, but that could be months. I mean, if ever. For all I knew he had deleted my number and found a girlfriend. But I didn't break it off with Shawn to not do anything. This was an issue in my life with or without Shawn and I had to figure it out and deal with whatever happened. It wasn't going to just go away.
I decided to go about it as casually as I could. To let him know I came in peace and wanted everything to be okay between us. Which I did, whether we ended up dating or not. I hated things being weird with us. It felt like, unnatural that we hadn't talked in over a week. I didn't feel like myself without him in my life. Even for that short amount of time.
So I texted him saying that I hoped he was well and that I'd love to grab a beer with him if he was in town and had any free time. I was so nervous waiting for a response that I started taking shots alone in my apartment while I paced back and forth. I kept looking around, trying to find something that would keep me busy and distracted. My phone dinged less than an hour later. I rushed to grab it.
A wave of relief came over me when I read his response. He asked me if I was free that night and said he could meet me at this little hole in the wall bar that we both liked. I lucked out big time that he not only answered me but actually wanted to see me. We agreed on a time and I called a cab to take me there since I had been drinking and was definitely going to drink more. Plus, I didn't want to have to leave my car at the bar overnight if I ended up going back to his place. Wishful thinking, I know. But just in case.
When I got there, he didn't hug me or anything. He was still standoffish and it made things tense. It was uncomfortable, so I drank way more than I had planned to in a short amount of time. We made small talk that felt forced and I realized I had gotten too drunk to have a serious conversation with him. There was no way he would take me seriously if I was sloppy and slurring my words. I decided that since I was confident and bold from the booze, I would just show him that I wanted to be with him instead.
As we left, he asked me if I wanted to share a cab. He hadn't driven himself there either. I eagerly agreed, thinking he was inviting me back to his penthouse. Once we were both in the backseat of the car, I scooted over right next to him and put my hand on his leg. He looked down at my hand and then looked to me in question. I gave him an evil grin and started moving my hand up towards his crotch.
"Sam..what're you doing?"
I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled his face into mine so I could kiss him. I wasn't gentle or shy about it either. But for some reason he wasn't really kissing me back. So I climbed onto his lap and straddled him. I held his face in between my hands and kept urgently kissing him, willing him to kiss me back. He kept moving his face away from mine.
"Sam, you're drunk. Stop. What about Shawn?"
I shook my head quickly, "No, I broke up with Shawn." I went in for another kiss but he wasn't having it.
"What?? What happened??"
I ignored his question and started kissing the side of his neck. I made my way up to his earlobe and gently bit it before sucking on it. And then I found his sweet spot right below his ear. When my lips connected with his skin he moved his head to the other side to give me better access. He let out a barely audible moan, but I heard it. I wanted him to moan louder or react in some way, so I started to lightly nibble and suck harder on the flesh.
"Fuck...," he groaned under his breath. I could feel him starting to get hard underneath me. But then he straightened back up and took my face in his hands to make me look at him. "Sam, not here."
He sounded so serious and stern. I suddenly felt like I was sober and I was super embarrassed. I got off of his lap and scooted back over to the other side of the backseat. I didn't know what the problem was. Maybe he just didn't want to be rude in front of our cab driver.
When the car pulled up in front of his building, I went to follow him out. He shut the door before I could. He leaned into the open passenger side window to pay the driver and tell him where I lived. He also apologized profusely for me being wasted and for the sloppy make-out session. I rolled down the window in back and looked at him like he wasn't speaking English.
"Wha- are you mad at me?"
"No, you just need to go home and go to bed. You had way too much to drink."
"Well can't I just stay here?"
"Don't worry, I covered your ride. I'll talk to you later." He patted the roof of the car to signal the driver to take off.
I woke up the next morning in a panic. Why was I at my apartment instead of Ed's? Did what I think happened actually happen? Was Ed rejecting me? I grabbed my phone but I didn't have any texts or calls from him. I immediately started texting him saying that I needed to talk to him. When he didn't text me back right away, I freaked out and convinced myself he was never going to talk to me again. I jumped out of bed, threw some clothes on, threw my hair up in a bun, brushed my teeth and drove over to his place. I needed an answer now. I couldn't handle the stress anymore.
When I got to his door, I pressed my ear up against it and listened. I didn't hear anything and feared that he was still sleeping, but I started knocking anyway. It took a couple of tries before he came to the door. When he opened it he was pulling a shirt over his head and his hair was sticking up in every direction. His eyes were tired with sleep but once he saw that it was me, he looked like he woke up fast.
"Sam, what're you doing here?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. I texted but um, I have to talk to you about last night."
But then I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I noticed it because it was pink. I looked past Ed so I could try to figure out what it was. It was a pastel pink cardigan with floral print on it. It was laying across the back of his couch. Ed followed my gaze to see what I was looking at behind him. Then he turned back to me with a worried expression.
I couldn't do anything besides stare at him for a second. I knew what that cardigan meant. "Oh." My face fell.
"It's nothing serious..."
I could feel tears stinging my eyes. "I left Shawn. For you."
"For me?"
"He asked me to marry him. I told him I couldn't. Because of you. Because of everything you said."
"What?" He shook his head in disbelief. "Sam, I didn't know. I had no idea."
"That's why I asked you to meet me last night. To tell you. But I was so nervous, I drank too much and tried to just...show you. But you...already found someone else," I laughed bitterly. Tears were running down my cheeks now.
"You didn't tell me!" His raised his voice.
"I didn't think you wanted to hear from me."
"I was upset! Because you acted like you didn't feel the same way after I told you how I felt!"
"It's been a week, Ed. It only took a week for you to write me off and move on to the next one."
"Like I said, Sam, I was upset. What did you want me to do, mope around here alone until you changed your mind?"
I started wiping the tears off of my face, embarrassed. "I don't know, I just feel stupid now. You made it sound like you were in love with me or something but then we don't talk for a week and you have a girlfriend."
"Jesus, she's not my girlfriend. I'm not dating her. I saw her twice."
I started to back away from him. "I shouldn't have come here. It was a mistake."
I turned away from him and hurried back down the hall to the elevators. I was pressing the button over and over as Ed made his way to me. I really didn't want to hear anything else. I wanted to get the hell out of there.
"C'mon, stop. Come inside."
I didn't say anything. The doors opened and I hurried in, pushing the Close Doors button.
"Sam, fucking stop." I glared at him as the doors shut. Then I heard him bang a fist against the door.