chapter thirty-four: you ready for this?
MONDAY EVENING. After changing into a more relaxed pair of clothes, I was walking around my apartment to make sure there wasn't anything that I needed lurking about. I hadn't actually packed something for Luke's place in a while, but tonight I felt a slight need to stall.
All afternoon I had been thinking about what Emma had told me—she ended the conversation before I could give any real advice, but she had told me that she was too scared to take a test because she was so worried it would come out positive. I couldn't quite wrap my head around the whole possibility of Emma being pregnant with Ashton's baby, but I also wanted to help in any way that I could.
I wasn't sure how that tied into me feeling the need to push off going to Luke's, but I was starting to think that part of me was scared I'd want to talk about it with Luke. But I wouldn't, because it's not my place. However, I was developing a record of letting secrets slip.
On my way down to my car, after locking up, I continued to think over Emma's situation. I got into my car and suddenly wondered how I would be feeling if I was in her place.
I quickly stopped because the thought alone overwhelmed me. However, knowing how overwhelmed I would be, I found a new explanation for why I wasn't jumping at the chance to be with Luke like I normally would be. I wanted to be with Emma.
I dropped by a convenience store that was just down the road from my apartment and purchased two tests—one for today, one for later... just in case we didn't trust the accuracy.
Instead of going to Luke's, I took a right turn on my usual route and headed toward Emma's place. I didn't even bother texting Emma to let her know I was coming, I simply walked up to the door of her apartment and knocked.
It took Emma about a minute to come to the door and, when she saw me, she seemed confused. Usually, she'd seem a little happier to see me, but I couldn't help but notice how exhausted she seemed. She had left work early, so I wasn't completely sure how the rest of her day had gone.
"Josie? What are you doing here?"
"Let's do this thing," I said before holding up the tests. "You're not going to do it alone, but there's no harm in doing it. If we don't trust the result we get, we can try in a couple of days. Or even get you an appointment—" Before I could fully finish my thought, Emma wrapped her arms around me tightly.
"Thank you so much, Jo," Emma said, her voice shaky from being near tears. "You didn't have to do this, but I really appreciate that you did."
"I did have to do this, Em. I haven't stopped thinking about you since you told me." Emma finally invited me in and I walked into the familiar apartment that I hadn't seen in the last couple of months. I could tell she had moved a couple of things around and she had a few new decorations up, but it was all very Emma.
"I'm sorry if I look so shit," Emma apologized as we walked through her place. "Ashton actually left about thirty minutes ago... we're sort of in a fight, I guess. He doesn't think I'm taking this thing seriously—like, he thinks I don't get that the possibility of me being pregnant is serious." I could tell Emma had been crying and it broke my heart.
"Why would he think that?" I asked, almost upset with Ashton as I imagined him making this harder for Emma.
"Because he constantly wants to talk about it, and it's the last thing I want to talk about while I'm still ignorant, I guess? I know I should be more productive and just get it figured out, but I'm so fucking scared, Josie." Emma's voice faltered and she began to tear up as she spoke. "Me getting pregnant isn't a huge deal—I mean, I've always wanted kids, but not like this. I don't want to suddenly be known as the girl who got knocked up by Ashton Irwin... and I don't want this to completely ruin things between us." She sighed deeply and I could tell she was trying to keep herself from crying. "It's so unclear what he would want to do if I really were pregnant, which freaks me out. But even if he wanted to stick around, he's going to be gone on tour—his life doesn't give grace to this kind of thing. God, I barely know him."
"Hey, hey," I shushed Emma as she began to freak out and she let out a sob as she became frustrated. Both with herself and the situation at hand. "Give yourself some grace right now, okay? Things are unclear and uncertain right now... don't freak yourself out over things you can't answer yet." Emma nodded slowly as she focused on her breathing. I pulled her over to her couch and sat her down before sitting down beside her.
"I just don't ever want to do this alone and every time he brings it up, I'm scared he's gonna tell me he doesn't want any part of it. That's why I freak out and just stop all conversation about it, but then he gets mad which makes me more worried about him giving up on me." I bit my lip gently and placed my hand on Emma's knee as I got an idea.
"How about you invite him back over here? Tell him that I bought some tests and that you want to get this thing figured out. Things are going to be okay, I promise. I can be here to respectively mediate, if I need to." Emma bit her lip as tears started to brim her eyes again, but she nodded.
"I want him to know I'm taking it seriously."
"I know you do. Tell him to get his ass over here." Emma called Ashton and stood up as she began talking to him. She walked out of the room and I took the time to send Luke a text, telling him I'd be delayed for an unknown amount of time, but that I'd text him whenever I was on my way. He replied almost immediately and told me to take my time and that he was excited to see me. His response caused me to smile and I laughed quietly at myself for being so easy to please.
"Jo! Can you come in here?" I got up and followed Emma's voice to her bedroom. "He's on his way. Can we hang out in here?"
"Of course." Emma was sitting on her bed, so I took a seat beside her. I took her hand in mine and she smiled at me before placing her head on my shoulder.
"I seriously can't thank you enough for this, Jo." I sent her a smile before moving to be at an angle, so that I could see her better. "I'm sorry for not telling you sooner... I guess part of me thinks that the more people that know, the more real it becomes."
"It's okay," I told her, not wanting her to apologize. "I'm sorry for making you tell me." Emma laughed but shrugged her shoulders, not seeming to mind. "So, this is what was going on at dinner?"
"Yeah," Emma said with a nod. "I've never been more than three or four days late for my period, but it was seven days late on Friday. I hadn't been keeping Ashton updated because I was sure that it would be fine. But it suddenly hit me and I was a mess. I was so anxious to see him and tell him... but when I told him, he made things so much better. I could tell he was nervous, but he was saying all the things I needed to hear in the moment. He was just so good at calming me down."
"How many times have you guys even had sex?" Emma sighed before putting her hands over her face.
"Not enough times for me to feel like this is worth it," Emma joked which caused me to laugh. "We had a broken condom incident... so that's why all of this is so probable. But I did everything I could to prevent this from happening."
"Hey, you don't even know if this is happening... okay?" Our conversation was ended by a knock on Emma's front door—I told her to stay and that I'd let him in.
I walked out of Emma's front door and opened the door to see Ashton, looking as exhausted as Emma.
"Oh, hey, Josie," Ashton said, nervously. He forced a smile and I sent him a sad one, hating to see both of them so stressed about the situation.
"Hey," I said before opening the door wider for him. "She's in her bedroom—" Just as I had shut the door behind him, Ashton stopped me from going anywhere by gently grabbing my arm.
"Could we stay back a minute? I know I need to talk to her about everything, and that's why I'm here... I just haven't been able to talk to anyone else about this. And there are some things that I want to get off my chest that might freak Emma out, which is not what I want to do."
"Yeah, of course," I told Ashton, wanting to let him get his thoughts out.
"I just don't want you to think I'm a bad guy for getting so stressed about this—not that I'm trying to prove anything to you... I just don't want you to think I'm some unworthy candidate for Emma. It's not like I've ever been in this situation before, you know? I don't know what to do—I've never even thought about it. If the test is positive... what am I supposed to do? I really care about Emma, but we're so new to all this. I mean, we only met a couple of weeks ago... and I want to keep getting to know her more than anything, but what if we just want really different things? I want to be there for her and do whatever I can, but what the fuck am I going to be able to do while on tour? I don't want to be some dick who just up and leaves during this but I have to go."
"Hey," I said, calmly, as I placed my hand on Ashton's arm. "Breathe for me, okay? You're both getting yourself so worked up worrying about every single little thing. Let's get this test over with before thinking too far ahead in the future... alright? If the test is positive, you're going to have to do what you think is right and what you think is for the best. I can't tell you what to do, even if I wish I could... it's your choice. You'll make the right decision for both yourself and Emma, hopefully." Ashton wrapped his arms around me and I hugged him back for a while—staying like that seemed to calm him, and that's all I wanted to do. "You ready for this?"
"I don't know if that's possible... but I can try to be." I pulled away from Ashton and we walked to Emma's room together. Ashton walked over to Emma's bed and leaned down to kiss her, which made me smile. "I'm sorry, Em. I shouldn't have gotten so upset."
"It's okay... we're both a little stressed, yeah?" Ashton laughed quietly but nodded, which caused Emma to smile.
"Let's just keep our heads clear... and we'll figure this thing out together, yeah?" Emma nodded and smiled as Ashton leaned down to kiss her forehead. "Okay... you ready to take this thing? I might advise you to not ace it. Failing this one is okay." Emma elbowed Ashton in the gut and he let out a laugh before promising that he was kidding. "If you ace this thing... that's fine, too." Emma bit her lip to keep emotion back and I could tell Ashton was feeling a little emotional, too.
"Fuck, I don't want to take it," Emma cursed as she became nervous and I weaseled my way beside her.
"You've got two people here for you, okay?"
"No matter what happens, everything will be alright," Ashton added, helping me to calm Emma down. Emma breathed in deeply before confidently nodding. She held out her hand and I handed her the box.
"You stay here, okay?" Emma looked at Ashton as she spoke and he nodded before taking a seat on the bed. Emma pulled me along and we walked to the bathroom that was connected to her bedroom. She shut the door behind us and breathed in deeply. "I've never told you this, but I've taken one of these before."
"What?" I asked Emma, surprised to hear her words.
"I took one when I was with Pat, but I never even told him about it." My eyes widened at her words and she sighed quietly. "My period was only five or six days late then... so that's why this is so much more real to me. I got my period the day after I took the test, but my period is ten days late now." Emma breathed in deeply with her eyes closed. "If this is positive..."
"Your kid's gonna have a really cool aunt named Josie?" I guessed which caused Emma to laugh.
"Yeah—that's exactly what I was thinking."
I left the bathroom after reading through the directions with Emma, even though we were both sure we knew what to do, but it was my way of allowing her to stall for just a couple more minutes. I waited with Ashton for a minute or two before Emma came out, saying she left it in there and didn't want to think about it for at least five minutes.
"How about the two of you go talk amongst yourselves in the living room? I'll keep guard in here." Emma looked at Ashton as he looked at her, and they decided it was a good idea before walking out of the room together. I continued to sit on Emma's bed; the pit of anxiety that was in my stomach grew immensely and I could hardly get myself to actually go and look at the stick.
About two minutes had passed before I went to look at it—I knew it might've not been done, but I couldn't wait any longer. I walked into the bathroom slowly and saw it sitting on the countertop, just waiting for someone to read its results. I peered over at it, giving it a good look and as I saw the outcome, I didn't know how to feel. I was surprisingly conflicted.
I grabbed the test and walked out of the bathroom, through Emma's room, and made my way to the living room. I walked in to see Emma and Ashton laughing together, which caused me to smile widely. They worked well together. They both saw me at the same time and their laughing slowly died down. They didn't say anything, instead, they waited for me to walk up to them and hand them the test. They looked down at it and from the expressions on their faces, I could tell they were experiencing the same feeling that I had.
"That was a close one," Emma said as she observed the negative test with tears in her eyes—most likely from relief. "Maybe next time?" Ashton laughed at her joke and kissed her cheek.
"You know, there's a chance that it's a false negative... so you might want to take the second test in a couple of days, especially if you still haven't gotten your period."
"Thank you, Jo... really," Emma told me before standing and wrapping her arms around me.
"If we have another pregnancy scare, we'll know where to go," Ashton joked which caused me to laugh.
"Don't make a habit out of it, mister," I warned him which resulted in his hands flying up in surrender. Ashton got up to hug me as well and I told them both that I needed to run, but that I expected them to keep me updated.
I left Emma's apartment feeling strangely underwhelmed and I was starting to wonder how I wasn't leaping with joy for the negative test. I wasn't up for psychoanalyzing myself, however, so I didn't let it get to me.
Before starting my car, I texted Luke to let him know I was on my way to his. The drive was about seven minutes long and I wasted no time getting up to his apartment once I had arrived. Luke opened the door for me and I simply passed by him to make my way to the kitchen.
"It's always great to see you, Josie. You're such a light when you walk in here—always in such a good mood and so happy to see me." Luke had followed me into the kitchen, like I expected him to, and he let out a laugh as he watched me grab a beer, crack it open, and take a drink. "Wanna talk about it?"
"I'm sorry for neglecting to make small talk," I told Luke before walking up to him and wrapping my arms around him. "I just needed this more than you right now."
"You're actually the worst person I know," Luke joked which caused me to laugh.
"You know that's not true," I said, looking up at him as he looked down at me—our arms still wrapped around each other.
"Yeah, I know," Luke said before letting me go. I started to zone out as I continued to drink the beer in my hands as Luke grabbed one for himself.
"Luke?"
"Mhm?" he hummed as he busied himself with something.
"What would you do if you got me pregnant?"
"If this is your pregnancy announcement... you fucked up when you grabbed a beer—"
"Luke," I said, stopping him from joking around. "Seriously." Luke walked up to me and placed his hands on my waist before lifting me up onto the island's surface.
"Why are you asking me this, Jos?"
"Can you please just go along with my hypothetical and answer the damn question, sweetie?" Luke breathed in deeply before placing his hand on the back of his neck, scratching it nervous.
"If you were pregnant... I'd definitely blame it on all the other guys you're seeing—"
"Luke."
"I'd do whatever you needed me to do, Josie. It would be just as much my responsibility as yours... so I'd treat it as such. I would expect to be in the kid's life as much as I could be—unless you decided to not have the baby, then I'd support that decision as well. It's your choice, after all. I'd probably beat myself up about not being around enough if you did have our kid, but I'd really do as much as I could." I bit my lip gently as Luke spoke to me, his tone soft and kind. "I'd probably hype pregnant you up... you'd probably be so cute pregnant. Is that weird to say?" I laughed loudly at Luke's comment before nodding rapidly. "Well, I don't care—you'd be cute. I'd just want to make sure you were happy with the situation and that you were as supported as possible. I would never make you go through something like that alone. I'm just afraid you'd have to go through it with me at a distance." I placed my hands on Luke's cheeks and placed my forehead against his as I stared into his blue eyes—I had seriously fallen for the boy in front of me. "This is when you assure me that there is not a baby on the way."
"I am not pregnant," I told Luke through a laugh. "I promise."
"Thank you," he laughed before a wide smile spread across his face. "You're in a weird mood, Jos."
"I've had a weird day," I told him before shrugging. I distanced myself from him after taking my hands away from his face and he set his hands on either side of me as I continued sitting on the counter. "I'm sorry I kept you waiting."
"It's okay... everything's okay though, right? Nothing bad happened?"
"Uh—no," I told Luke as I shook my head. "Just had to take care of something before giving all my attention to you."
"Man, I love when you do that. Makes me feel special," Luke told me, referring to me giving him my attention, which caused me to laugh. "Are you hungry?"
"Very," I said with a nod. "I know we both ate out for lunch, technically... but could we just order a pizza? I'm in the mood."
"Ah, a woman with taste." I rolled my eyes playfully at Luke's words but he only laughed. "I'm serious! If you wanted to revisit that whole having a baby thing—"
"Luke, quit while you're ahead," I warned him which made him smile like a goof.
"What would you do if I got you pregnant?" Luke asked, catching me off guard. "I think it's only fair that I ask you the same, you know."
"I'd look forward to raising some kids with a very good gene pool."
a/n:
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pls let me know how we u r feeling !!
especially ab the emma&ashton thing !!! i'm just curious......and not at all plotting anything..........seriously just wanna know how u all feel ab that negative test
this chapter took me forty five mins to write ........ safe to say it's been a good morning for me !!! where did this motivation come from ??? i LOVE it
thank u all so much for reading !!! i appreciate you soso much!!!
sending u my love forever & always
<3
jill