Portland, Maine, I don't know where that is
Leave your bags in the car, keep it running
I won't pretend, that I won't miss this
But Portland, Maine, I don't know where that is
Donovan Woods
(Portland, Maine)
__His First July
Chapter Thirty
COLBY
Posted to WillisKnowsHow
Yesterday 1:24AM
Title: The Last Chapter
Life... A flimsy concept.
At least I used to think so. Honestly, it never really did mean all that much to me, I always thought about life as a thing people valued above everything... You know, their first priority. Well now I know why I thought of it as that... I had a life, but I wasn't living it. They did say to live it and love it cause you only get one. Not two. I misused my chance, never got to the end of the tunnel, but I saw the light and it was beautiful. It touched me and changed every single thing I thought was true about me. It gave me dreams and aspirations I never knew I had, or could have. But as I write this, I write it with my new found light. My new found aspiration. And life, it's not just a flimsy concept. It is indeed important... It is everything we need to do right. Cause you don't get a second one.
Are you wondering how I got to this point? The guy who never really valued the thing he had cause he thought there wasn’t any point to all of it? Well... It all started with two beautiful words.
High school.
Every teenager’s worst nightmare. Yes, it is... But when you take away the stressful and toxic school day, and think of the moments you got to spend with your friends? Think of the experiences, the things that made you laugh, the things that changed you... You'll find that it isn't all that bad... No, in fact, it's what we need. A guy like me who knows nothing about his physical environment and how the company of people can really bring out a side in you that you never knew existed... I would say, highschool is cool. I would say the experience is indeed a once in a lifetime thing, to quote my special someone. PE, the everyday cafeteria drama, and let's not forget the parties.
Parties.
I used to think I'd never understand the concept of parties... But now, I kind of do, cause well it's a way to bring people together. Create friendships and break the ones that are meaningless... You'd find that in high school parties, there's always something that happens that will change your life in a way... Maybe it's a shy girl getting drunk and dancing on a pool table, or a drunken text to your ex boy/girlfriend, and maybe getting a glance from that girl or boy you've been trying to stop thinking about... Something just happens... Just like something happened to me... My life basically began after my first ever highschool party... And no, I didn't get drunk and danced on a pool table... I don't even know what alcohol tastes like... My life changed when my special someone asked me a question. "What do you want, Colby?"
That was the first time, in my entire life I struggled to answer just one simple question. It bugged me, it made me think, deep, real deep. It made me search for an answer I couldn't figure out at the moment.
Well, ever since that party, I realized why parties are kind of fun... Life without a little bit of drama, or a slight push, isn't living.
Of course, I didn't have to fuss about the way I looked or how everyone would look at me at the party, cause well... Aside from never having a life, I did what people did every morning... I kept fit.
Fitness
It has always been important to me, although I always thought there were exactly two meanings to that word, what it meant in my life and well, fashion. But mostly I thought keeping fit was always to keep me alive for a minute longer... Now, I believe a part of me didn't want to just hand my life over to the clutches of my birth defect. I wanted to at least, look good... Look healthy... You know, anything to make sure no one pities me. Birth defect? You're probably wondering... Well, I call it a birth defect despite the fact that everyone is hell bent on calling it an illness. I was born with a weak heart and circulatory system that caused so many other allergies and health complications.
And yeah, you're probably shocked... Asking yourself, "How is he able to keep fit with a weak heart..." Well I'll tell you...
Shock
It's a feeling you get when something out of the blue or something out of the ordinary happens. Yes, I've got a weak heart that needs to get stronger... You don't relax and let your oppressor take you down... You get up and then you fight. I stay fit to maintain a proper health balance. I don't do vigorous exercises, I only do little exercises to just relax and stay strong, fight the weakness by it's weakness, strength.
And I know if you don't know me personally, there's a question bugging your mind right now. You're probably wondering, "Why don't you just go to the hospital? Stay until you get better." Well, I've spent about half of my life in the hospital and I know almost every nurse or doctor going in and out of it. Going back home was advised by Doc, my second Mom "You have two Moms?" Oh well, I should explain... This brings me to why I think highschool is so cool and I'd choose forever in highschool over any day in the hospital.
Hospitals
My second home... A place that never runs out of patients... Some have rare cases like mine, some who just go in and out for random check ups and some who just have to stay because they have no choice. Doc thought I needed a change of environment... A breath of fresh air... Although at that time I really didn't know how the four corners of my room provided that fresh air, but, it was way better than the blank white sterilized walls in the hospital... Although Doc had offered to get it decorated, but I wasn't really a fan of anything, so the white walls became my normal. The doctors became my only way to see the outside world, the cleaners became my friends, same with the beautiful Heather, my big baldy who shared my room with me sometimes... The only person who tried to teach me what friendship was supposed to mean. But she was more of a big sister to me, than a friend.
Although, now I’ve realized the true meaning of friendship, when I made friends.
Friendship
I always knew friendship was one important factor in life. Although, since I never really did have a life, I never saw the need to have friends, cause I thought I was my own friend... But I was only deceiving myself... You can't live life alone forever, you will need friends at some point, eventually you’ll find some for yourself... They should always be there to have your back... Be your backbone, act as a shoulder to cry on, laugh with you, play video games and stay up all night watching movies and talking about random silly stuff. And I'm glad that I got to experience these things with my friends, I'm so glad I had friends who understood, knew when to not ask questions and gave me advice when I needed it.
Friends to show me that life outside the four walls of my room was fun... To show me what fun truly meant.
Fun
A concept that blends pretty well with happiness. I came to know true fun wasn't by just playing video games... It's by spending valuable time with friends, talking, laughing, getting to know each other... It's by understanding the meaning of true happiness, living in the moment and letting each and every one of them know by your smile that their time with you, is truly appreciated by you. It's by showing the world that you have people that can bring a smile to your face with one sentence... Taking pictures and sharing them to the world, through the internet. It’s being able to look back and be proud of a life well lived with the people you care about, giving people all over the world hope that they can also be happy, that they can also make a few changes and live much more happily.
Internet
A means to enlighten people... It has always been the only thing that connected me to the world. It's still that thing that is giving me the opportunity to share my last chapter with you all. And also the thing that you should use to do more than stalk your favourite celebrity... But to share your own fun experiences... Cause you might not know, your smile might bring a smile to somebody else's face. Don't plan a picture, just take it in the moment. You'll see it'll go a longer way. Planning isn't exactly needed in everything, you see... I learnt that thankfully, an easy way.
Planning
It was something I never took lightly because it was a big part of my life. I'd spent every day, planning the way I wanted that day to go. But I knew little. Not everything is about planning cause it can all change at any minute. You can plan a pose for a picture, and then you spot a cute cat jumping by a fence, your facial expression might change from the one you were initially aiming for, and the picture still turns out great. I dropped my plans when highschool came into the mix, when I started living. One thing that wasn't part of my plans... An impossibility, I once thought.
Impossibility
My life has been a bundle of impossibilities... I used to think that there are just some things that are impossible for me. Like the fact that I could get the life I want, the fact that I'd attend highschool, have friends, go to parties, have fun... You know... The normal stuff. But after getting a life, I knew, impossibility isn't the ruler of my life. I deemed everything impossible because I was an idiot; and I made everything seem impossible, but my special someone taught me something really important. Never be negative. When I stopped being negative, my impossibilities turned into possibilities. One of the impossibilities being the fact that I thought no one would ever care enough to bully me. I always thought I wasn't important, I mean... How is someone like me supposed to be important? What would someone want from me?
Bullies
I always did know that if I'd been like every other normal kid, I'd have been bullied. But then that thought came with the fact that I wasn't really important enough to get bullied. I'd always felt like a breezy shadow, you know... Nobody serious... And yes, I was an idiot to think that I still didn't have a life... Yes, they tell you to "get a life" but trust me, you have one, cause that's the only reason why they're bullying you. Now I know that maybe I'm just as important as everyone else... And once you become important, people would see something in you, something that you have and they don't. It's just life.
I got a life, I got important and I got bullied. Cool... To me, it's like an achievement. But if I had a chance to fight back, I would have, cause if there was one thing I hate, it's oppression. If I had been a normal kid, ate good food that has the right nutrients, I would have fought for myself... But you know, food has always been one of the things I couldn't really have, but needed.
Food
You just need it to survive. I've learnt that in no matter what form food comes, you just need it to survive, to keep you on your feet. I never had the opportunity of having tasty food, but- I never complained, cause I knew of the damage it'd cause to me. Having multiple allergies isn't what you want, cause in every single tasty food is a substance your system wouldn't react nicely to... I won't lie, it's hell on earth.
I knew I wasn't supposed to eat outside of my diet, but how could I ever resist a humble request from my special someone? And I have to confess, it tasted amazing, yes I told her that but... Well, there's no harm in saying it again, is there?
Speaking of Confessions?
Hmm.
Confessions
I never really thought I'd ever have the need to confess anything to anyone, seeing as I'm about as honest as you can get. But there are just some things that are really hard to let out you know, something that involves risks. But there would come a time in everyone's life when you just have no choice, but to let out whatever whispers your heart yearned to confess to your special someone. And yes, I got to that point... And for an idiot like me, I was glad I didn't mess it up.
I knew my Mom, Dad and friends would have killed me if I did, trust me, it wouldn't have been a fun experience.
Friends, Fun and Family
Although I knew my family and I loved them, but, friends and fun experiences made these three concepts blend well together. It was great to think there are people who will reprimand you when you mess something up, it puts a kind of fear in you that the people you have fun with, can also be at your throats, commanding you to fix a mistake. But at the same time, they give you hope. Hope that you can still make a difference.
Well...
Hope
One of the things I held close to my heart. Asides from my loved ones giving me hope, I'd always tried my best to hold on to it. Until one day, I lost it... Because at some point, you feel like you can't hold on anymore, at some point, you feel like nothing matters, and you ask yourself, "Why am I even trying?" "Why do I have hope only to watch it shatter and shatter over again?" You question yourself, again and again. But trust me... Once you have hope, never let go of it, cause that would be one of the biggest mistakes you'll ever make. A mistake you'll regret for the rest of your life...
Regret
I never thought I'd regret anything in my life, cause I thought I never made mistakes... But the moment I lost my hope, I got enveloped by regret, realizing how much of an idiot I was for forgetting everything I stood for, letting my old life take charge of my new one. But I realized my mistakes, and I let my new life take over.. A life filled with love...
Love
It's still that feeling I can’t quite fully explain. That's why it's called a feeling... You feel it. It takes over you. Honestly, I'm thankful for my special someone who taught me what love truly meant. She filled my heart with so much love and positivity, it felt like I was floating in the clouds. When you love someone, you lose yourself in that someone, you let them lead you. My special someone didn't only lead me... She took my hand in hers and showed me what I wanted. She gave me an answer to my difficult question, and for that, I'll be forever grateful. She became a friend, a love, and part of my family...
Family
A concept that is more than what it means. When you have a family, it doesn't entirely mean your Mom or Dad or siblings. It means your friends, the people you love, your special someone. And there's no word, no word to describe how entirely grateful I am for my life... But like everything that goes up must surely come down, every story must come to an end. With every book, there's a last chapter... With every life, there's Death...
Death
Ever wondered why in weddings, "till death do us part" is one of the important vows? I always thought, why mention death when starting a new beginning? There are a lot of things that can do them part... Like cheating and boredom, but you never hear them say "till cheating do us part" or "till boredom do us part" no no, I'm not trying to be funny, so don't laugh. I mean haven't you ever wondered? But now I know why... Death is the finality of everyone and everything... The moments before death is like a last chapter, and If this gets posted, and you're reading this... It only means my last chapter happened a few hours ago.
I would have appreciated more time but... To me, it's not a thing to be sad about. Because for every end, there's a new beginning.
I'll round it up with this...
I, Colby Willis, have seen a total of 18 Julys, but this, this is the first July, I've ever lived through.