" in your dark days, just turn around and i will be there. and maybe i won't have any more light to give than what you have already. but i will take your hand and we will find the light together."
- JmStorm
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That night, at the dinner line, it was so quiet. Catherine didn't show up for dinner. Hazel and Lizzie were there, but they were so quiet and closed off, that they could barely talk with tear filled eyes, and red, blood-shot eyes.
Joe Liebgott sat next to Hazel that night, on the log from earlier that afternoon, as she pushed the food around in the tin. Joe could see her holding back her trembling lip, as well as the tears that wanted to fall from her eyes. So Joe decided to sit beside her and eat quietly, and not say anything.
Hazel needed him to know that she appreciated him just sitting there, without saying a word. She slowly reached forward, and grabbed his hand with her gloved one without even making eye contact. She interlaced their fingers, sucking in a shaking breath as she did so. Her hand was cold in his own warm one, but Joe knew it meant the world to Hazel. Joe knew that as thanks from her, especially right now.
She had never said good bye to Bill or Joe, her mind filled with the memories of them protecting her and defending and making her smile when she felt she was in the dark.
Bill had been the one to comfort her before anyone after the letter from her father before D-Day.
Joe had been the one there for the hugs and the excitement and the encouragement that never failed to roll from him.
And the two had been there on Christmas Day, singing like a bunch of saints, like there wasn't a war, like there was no fear. Like there was only pease. It only made her heart hurt more. She didn't know when she'd get that dart game consisting of Joe, Babe and her against Buck, George and possibly Catherine. She didn't know when that was to happen and it made her sad that it might never happen. Her heart ached.
The days slowly started bleeding together, and Buck was taken off the line. He couldn't deal with seeing Joe and Bill like that. He'd been strong for so long, and nobody was upset with him going away to heal mentally. Lizzie sat alone, eyes frozen and shut off, her eyes not focused on anything.
" Hey," a voice said and Lizzie looked up to see it was Malarkey.
" Oh, hey," Lizzie said as she looked up towards him. He offered a small smile, before sitting down beside her on the log.
" I couldn't save them," Lizzie whispered to him, shaking her head.
" You tried, it's all that matters." Malarkey told her. She nodded.
" Is that all that matters anymore?" Lizzie asked softly, as she looked at her blood stained finger tips. Malarkey looked at them to, as Lizzie watched them with sad eyes.
" I think so." Malarkey told her quietly. Lizzie looked up at him, and saw the sadness that filled his eyes.
" I wish I could've done something though." Lizzie said, " Especially because of Buck, and you and Babe."
" I know." Malarkey told her and she nodded as her bottom lip trembled a bit. Malarkey gently rubbed her back and nodded to her with a small smile.
" You did what you could." Malarkey told her and she nodded, having to trust him on that one. She did what she could.
Everything began to weigh heavy on Easy Company.
Hazel missed Bill, Joe and Buck more and more, and with each moment she found herself thinking of them, any memory she could grasp of them, trying to just keep their faces in her mind. And with that, Hazel found herself having trouble sleeping at night; all she could imagine was the hit Bill and Joe took, the voice in her head repeating the words just so she could believe it fully, convince herself, tell herself, it was real.
Meals were a quiet affair; she missed that Bill and Joe weren't there to greet mostly everyone and then to lead the group in some of the funniest stories and retellings of Easy's time in Aldbourne.
Now, it was quiet.
Catherine found herself, the day after Bill and Joe had been pulled from the line, leaned up against a tree, a frown etched onto her features. Her arms were crossed and her gaze was far off, as if it were in another world.
" Lieutenant." a voice said and Catherine glanced up softly to see George coming towards her. After the emotional hug between the two, there had been this heightened mutual respect between the two, more than it ever had been.
" George," she said pushing up from the tree, her eyes anything but bright. George stopped in front of her and pulled something up in front of him. He raised a brow. Catherine smiled sadly and took the cigarette from him. She placed it on her lip and George gently lit it, as she breathed it in with a sigh.
" A cigarette for a thousand problems." she said with a small sigh, pulling the cigarette from her lips. George let a tiny laugh past his lips.
" They have dinner up and running." George said, " Came looking for you when you didn't show up." Catherine slowly glanced up at George and shook her head.
" I'm not hungry." she said softly, shaking her head, " I think I'd throw up if I had to eat something." George watched her.
" If you can't do it yourself, I'll spoon feed it to ya." George said with a light, joking tone and Catherine looked up to see a small smile on his face. She smiled the best she could, an ache still perpetrating her heart.
" Would you really?" she said with a laugh as George snickered, " I'm just kidding."
" You sure? I got a spoon," George said pulling it from his front pocket, " for two?" Catherine just laughed lightly and shook her head.
" I think I'll work on this cigarette for a bit." she told him. George have a gentle smile to her.
" You do that, Lieutenant. You need me, you know where I'll be." he said to her slowly stepping back from her with a smile, waving the box in his hands.
" If I see that white box flying, I'll know it's you." she called lightly back and she smiled at George's chuckle which filled the air. She smiled as her heart fell.
Throughout the following days, Easy tried to adjust to life without Bill, Buck and Joe in the company. Just not seeing their faces and such and even Joe Toye's singing. Hazel occupied her time by sitting with her friends, just being with her friends. You never knew when someone would have their last day of life. And she looked at the stars when they would show and she'd pray. She prayed so much now, she prayed this would end soon and that they would stop losing the lives they lost, to death or wounds. She just wanted it to stop.
On the 7th, she watched the stars peak out for the first time in a few days and watched them sparkle and shine, despite the darkness. They shined so bright, twinkling across the night sky. She imagined what it might look like sitting up on a star looking down at the war torn world.
Would the stars see all this destruction, all the fire and the pain, every person that looked up at them?
Would they notice?
Would it be recognizable that this was the world they had seen develop as it had?
What was it like beyond the stars?
Beyond this reality?
Hazel sucked in a breath softly, and that's when a body slid in beside her. She glanced over expecting Shifty but it was Liebgott. Her heart filled with a newfound relief just seeing him there in this cold wasteland.
" Joe..." she whispered softly, smiling gently at him.
" I heard someone wasn't hungry and well, I knew I had to pay a visit." he said softly and Hazel smiled sadly at him. Joe watched her eyes.
" It's Bill and Joe, right?" Joe whispered softly as Hazel watched him with a softened gaze, trying not to break down at the thought. It was still so ungodly fresh in her mind and all she wanted was for a bit of relief, something else to think about and get mind off of it - off of the fact they were gone.
" Yeah," she whispered, bringing up her hand to wipe hastily at her cheek. She looked down.
Joe wished that if they were back in America, he could take her to that special spot right by the Golden Gate Bridge, where you could see every star. And you couldn't hear much noise from the nearby highway, just the laps of water against the rocky edges and the crickets in the trees, the chirping of the evening birds every so often. It seemed like a dream compared to this nightmare. Joe watched her eyes well up with tears.
" I'm sorry your sad, Hazel," Joe whispered beside her and she looked at him, " I wish there was something I could do to take it away." Hazel watched his eyes search hers and smiled gently; she knew he was truthful in his words.
Joe Liebgott was always truthful to her, no matter what, they were best friends.
" Can you just stay here with me?" she whispered softly, as her eyes welled with more tears.
" Yeah," Joe said immediately, a small smile on his face, " of course, what type of best friend would I be?" Hazel let out a slight giggle that settled Joe for the moment. Joe gently wrapped an arm around her shoulders and she rested her weary head against his shoulder, shutting her eyes. Joe brought her as close as he could, her tiny body, shaking in his grasp as she lay there so quietly.
" I'm glad we're friends you know? Best friends?" Joe said quietly, " Remember I told you how fascinating it was to see your love for the stars? Or how caring and kind you were to everyone and how strong you were?" Hazel gently looked up to meet his eyes with her own and she smiled softly at him.
" How'd I get so lucky to have a friend like you?" Joe said to her and Hazel felt more tears rush to her eyes as she watched him, his face turning blurry from the tears.
" Do you want to tell me about the stars?" he whispered softly, brushing a stray tear from her cheek that trailed down from her sad, blue eyes.
" Yes," she whispered softly watching him and she saw him smile.
" Alright, get comfy," Joe said as she giggled a bit cuddling into his side, and they looked up towards the gleaming stars.
" I'm excited," he whispered as if he were a kid about to watch a movie and Hazel giggled.
" You know I was convinced they were lightning bugs?" Hazel said a slight giggle leaving her mouth.
" Really?" Joe asked and she could hear the smirk in his tone.
" Yeah, and my mom would tell me they were these wondrous things called stars, but I was firmly convinced that they were tiny lightning bugs out there in the sky, who's butts never stopped glowing." she said and she heard Joe laugh from above her and she smiled a bit more.
" When do you start to call them stars?" he asked her.
" When I was 8." she said and Joe froze up for a moment, but then settled himself. Her dad had caused that shift that change from lightning bugs to stars. But sitting here with Hazel, he left himself calm down.
" I realized they were stars and not lighting bugs." Hazel said with a giggle, " So then I would go to the library and I would get every book related to any form of stars I could."
" Really?" Joe asked.
" Of course!" she said sitting up and looking at him as his hand held her shoulder, " The Friendly Stars by Martha Evans Martin was my favorite." Joe smiled at the excitement in her eyes and how giddy she got.
" Maybe it was because it was a female written book that wasn't just all big words and definitions and actually was interesting." Hazel said shyly as Joe laughed.
" But do you know what else they had?" she said softly to Joe, looking at him with shining eyes.
" Illyne's star chart, a massive chart filled with all the stars you could've seen in the night sky. They had an old tattered copy in the library and I looked at it every time I went, and each time I went home, I knew I could look up at the sky, and pinpoint where those stars would be." Hazel said and Joe watched her with shining eyes. His heart was swelling.
Seeing her become so passionate about things she loved, made his heart warmer than it ever has been, just seeing her focus on the stars, which brought her safety and security and comfort.
" How do you find them? Do I look through the bottom of my cup to get a closer visual?" Joe asked with a smirk on his face.
" No!' squealed Hazel quietly, hitting him in the shoulder as he laughed joyously, " it's called a telescope, Joseph, not a cup."
" What's with the full name?" he said a smirk on his features.
" It got your attention didn't it?" she said softly, a smirk on her own features. Joe's heart missed a beat as she watched him with confident eyes.
Truth be told it had, and now his heart was racing because of it.
Can his heart calm down for 5 seconds and not have a full panic attack where it ran into every vessel running from his heart? Could it slow down and let Joe just be in this moment for a second.
" Very much so," Joe answered and Hazel laughed lightly.
" Good," she said looking at him and Joe smirked wider. Joe spent the night with Hazel, talking about the stars until she felt too tired to continue. So Joe just made sure she rested without the nightmares that would fill her mind, like they did the past few nights. And she finally did manage some sleep that night.
Well, except if it weren't for the shelling that day morning at 0300, which caused chaos pretty much everywhere. People running, screaming, yelling, Gene and Lizzie making early runs to the aid station for a few replacements, as they raced them away, bleeding from the limb. But people were just numb to it all. It's like the Germans thought they were surprised each time the mortars flew over. Like they hadn't been dealing with all this for almost a month by now. It was nothing new.
So now, Catherine sat beside George that morning, smoking cigarettes at 5 am, sitting on a log, eyes strained. Skip and Penkala were in the nearby foxhole, eyes strained as well. It seemed no one could sleep. Catherine wished she could just got back to the moments.
" It's like fireworks," Catherine whispered softly as she let out a drag of smoke, pulling the cigarette from her shaking lips, " you know the ones that go up into the air that never get too boring. Except these just make ya numb." Skip and Penkala glanced at her as George cast a glance her way.
" I grew up on racetracks in the summer," she said, " even though I lived in Upstate New York my parents liked to head down to my grandparents farm in Kentucky, where they'd do the Kentucky Derby, train the horses, a bunch of shit like that. And they had these massive fireworks on July 4th, huge, you sent 'em off, they never came down again."
" Lieutenant?" Skip asked her and Catherine just sighed.
" Fireworks are only fun until you lose someone." she said, " My uncle thought it was brilliant to stand on one as it shot off." She placed the smoke back on her lip.
" It's what these remind me of," Catherine said looking around at the tree tops watching as the sky was slowly changing from a black to blue.
" I'm sorry," Skip said quietly and she offered a sad, forced smile, shaking her head.
" You have a lot of family there, Lieutenant?" Penkala asked her. Catherine smiled.
" Yeah, I do." she said, " Grandparents had 5 kids, each kid has a family, and a racehorse at the stables, I have cousins with kids already, we have a big family." Penkala offered a smile.
" Your racehorse got a name there?" George said bumping her leg with a smile.
" His name's Justify, I know my dad picked it out." she said and George snickered a bit as she smiled.
" You go to the races?" Skip asked her. Catherine smiled a bit and nodded.
" Yep, each summer since the late 20s." she said, then she shook her head, " I hated it in the beginning though, knowing there were people who could barely afford homes and I was here, in this posh world, watching horses race against each other, for money, when our economy was trickling away." The trio looked at each other before looking back at the Lieutenant.
" It's over now though," George told her, and Catherine smiled and nodded.
" Yeah it is," she said and then looked at the trio, " I hope this ends soon as well and maybe I can take you 3 there some day." The three of them smiled wide, their eyes jumping wide at the words.
" You really think so?" Skip asked her.
" Definitely, my Aunt Ronnie and Aunt Sunny don't come anymore and they had a gaggle of kids with them so we've always had a few open seats." she said and they all smiled.
" I'm assuming I'd make quite the impression?" George said as he placed the cigarette on his lip and smirked. Catherine let a laugh past her lips.
" I think you'd make a wonderful impression, all of you," Catherine said, " My brothers are military men and my dad's an ex-Marine, we basically have almost every member of the McCown in the military or has been or is looking into it."
" Ex-Marine?" George asked, " You've peaked my interest Lieutenant McCown, enlighten me." Catherine smirked.
" He fought in the Great War, just some 19 year old kid in 1917, making his way through life, going off to fight some war." Catherine said, " Sometimes I see him standing out on the back porch you know, looking out towards the Adirondacks and he'll just stand in silence. He won't say a word, he's real secretive and quiet about his time in war, but he never falls to bring up Drill Sergeant Saturday." Catherine laughed to herself.
" Drill Sergeant Saturday?" Skip asked through a laugh.
" What's that?" Penkala asked a smile on his face.
" Well, some days in the summer down at the racetrack, my siblings and I would be helping clean the place before guests and stuff arrive for the day and usually the race would be on Saturdays. My dad would order us around like he were a Drill Sergeant, and whoever got their work done fastest always got free candy in the end." Catherine explained, smiling fondly at the memory. Her dad was nuts, but she loved him for it, he knew how to have fun.
" My $5 is on you," George said as he took a smoke drag.
" Your $5 bet you well, Mr. Luz," she said.
" You'd win?" Penkala asked as Catherine nodded.
" Jack and Clark, my two brothers, they were on the football team, and always said how they'd win because they ran fast enough and impressed the local ladies, I showed them up all the time," she said and the trio laughed.
" I'd believe it," Skip said, " did you see yourself running those laps in Aldbourne, with that war cry of yours? I mean, I'd believe it in a heart beat." The group chuckled at the memory.
" Hi-ho silver!" mocked George, throwing his hand in a punch into the air, as he chuckled to himself, the group laughing.
Even at 5 am, with their cigarettes in their fingers, and a chill in the air after the hard artillery barrage, Catherine felt herself really laugh; maybe they were finally approaching the end of this nightmare, and for good.
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hello! another chapter of pure softness because we need that with all the things that happen in this episode :( thanks so much for reading, commenting and voting - it means the world to me.