{UNEDITED}
He loved me. That wasn’t supposed to happen, he wasn’t supposed to fall in love with me, and he was only ever supposed to be there for our daughter. The wedding wasn’t meant to mean anything and we were never meant to feel anything, I hated him and he hated me as well.
Despite all of that though, I still found myself feeling something towards him. I found myself not wanting a life without him in it because it wouldn’t have been the same and I don’t know what I would have done with him. I probably would have given up a long time ago and I would still be under the control of my father.
Matthew had given me a reason to speak out against my father, to tell him what I really thought of him. He had given me the confidence to actually tell Braydon that I wanted him out of my life and that I never wanted to see him again, it was hard but it was the right thing to do and I knew that deep down. He had even given me the power to be a better a person and to not give a damn what anyone else thought of me.
I was in love with Matthew Jenkinson and I didn’t know how to tell him. It seems so simple when it comes from his mouth, but it’s harder for me to tell him the truth. Especially since I have only just kicked my ex-boyfriend out of my life not five minutes ago and now I am thinking of all the ways to tell someone else that I was in love with them.
I know how it seems to people who don’t understand but, when your supposed boyfriend spends a month ignoring you while another man is paying attention to you, it’s difficult not to find yourself falling for them. Regardless of how wrong it is and how much it shouldn’t happen.
“Did you hear me?” Matthew asked as I pulled my hand away from him and looked away from him. He must have thought that I hated him for admitting the truth, but that wasn’t the case and I didn’t know how to tell him that without sounding like a total bitch.
“Er, yeah, I did,” I muttered, the ceiling suddenly seeming all the more interesting than Matthew was. “When is Jodie coming back?”
“I don’t know. She didn’t tell me,” Matthew said and I could tell that he was annoyed with me for avoiding what he really wanted to talk about. I needed to speak to Jodie though, she would know what to do and she would help me decide on what was the best thing to say. Right after she had murdered me for not telling her about the marriage, only to bring me back to life and murder me again for actually falling in love with Matthew in the first place.
“Can you ring her and get her here for me please?” I asked, still not looking at Matthew because I didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes as he thought I was rejecting his love. “And Jason. I want to see him too.”
I would be able to ask him about the plans for the surprise I had planned for Matthew before I ended up in this place. It wasn’t anything special, it was just a small thing to show him how much he really did mean to me. A weekend away in my Nan’s caravan, beside the beach so we didn’t have to worry about anything other than the two of us. It was supposed to be his birthday present but, after everything he is doing for me, I think I will give it to him a day early.
Or I may just wait until midnight to tell him what I had done for him. He would never need to know that Jason had helped me plan the entire thing and that Jason was the reason we were going to be having dinner served to us on the beach, in a little corner which Jason and I found as kids. You would only find it if you were looking for it and, at the beginning of January, I don’t think many people were going to be looking for where we were.
“Sure. I need to go home anyway,” Matthew muttered.
“You’re coming back, right?” I asked suddenly. I didn’t want to be alone, not when I could spend the New Year with someone who loved me and not when it was his birthday at the same time. “I want to be the first person to say happy birthday to you.”
“My parents have already asked me to spend it with them, otherwise I would.”
“No they haven’t, your father already told me that the both of them were going away for the New Year, like they always did. Please don’t lie to me,” I sighed. I was tired with people lying to me and I didn’t want another person to start, not when I was so close to actually telling them my feelings for them and, for the first time, actually meaning it properly.
It’s not that I didn’t love Braydon. But we were fourteen when we first got together, I didn’t know what love was and neither did he, I grew to understand what it was though. When I said those words to Braydon, I meant them, apparently they meant nothing to him because he didn’t see anything in me other than lies and all the things I wasn’t. He was as example of everything I wanted to avoid in a guy, particularly the lying and deliberate hurt.
“Sorry, I am just so tired. I haven’t slept properly since you were brought in because I was so worried about you. I will try to come back but I’m not going to promise that I’ll be back because I don’t want to hurt you,” he just about managed to smile before he turned and walked out of the room.
“I love you too,” I whispered, not allowing the tears which were forming to fall. I wasn’t that weak person anymore and I wasn’t going to become that person in my own company either. All I could do was hope that he was going to be back and that I would be able to tell him how I was really feeling, as well as giving him the most amazing birthday present.
✖✖
I had just woken up from a sleep I didn’t know I needed. I had been out for two days, anyone would think that was enough sleep for anyone to not need to sleep for at least a week. Apparently it doesn’t work like that though and I was even more tired than I realised.
I looked around the room to see both Jason and Jodie sitting, talking to each other, well it was more like arguing than talking. I didn’t want to interrupt the two of them because it seemed like they were pretty deep in their argument, Jodie seemed to be on the verge of winning when she looked across to see that I was awake.
“You’re awake,” Jodie grinned at me, not wasting any time before she pulled me into one hell of a hug. I honestly don’t think she could hug me any tighter, but she was willing to put that to the test as she left me virtually no room to be able to breath. “Matthew told us you wanted to speak to us. What’s happened?”
“I think I should leave the two of you to discuss this alone. I’ll be back in a bit,” I heard Jason say and I didn’t have time to say anything before he vanished from the room.
“What’s he talking about?” Jodie asked as she perched herself on the edge of the bed next to me, my hand still in her hand as she looked me directly in the eyes. She always knew when I was lying, so there was no way out of this, it was time to tell her everything which was going on with Matthew and I. Even though I knew she wasn’t going to be impressed and she was going to want to kill me at the end of it.
“Where do you want me to start?” I asked.
“The beginning would be nice. I want to know what the hell is going on Chloe,” she remarked and I could already tell that she was annoyed with me because she could tell that there was something I hadn’t bothered telling her. If she was feeling that way now, I don’t even want to imagine what she’s going to be like when I am done telling her what is really going on.
“During my first scan, I told John that Matthew was the father of the baby, we then had this whole entire argument about his son. I kind of told John that his son was a player who didn’t know how to treat women, hence the reason I didn’t want him anywhere near our baby when it was born,” I sighed, looking at Jodie to make sure she was with me so far. I didn’t want to carry on if she was already confused, but she seemed to understand everything perfectly well, so I wasn’t going to stop when I actually had her attention. “My father found out that Matthew was the father and, for the last month he had been organising our wedding; a wedding which neither of us actually want. The stress of that is part of the reason I ended up here in the first place.”
“So, you and Matthew are getting married? When?” Jodie asked in shock.
“Three months. Our baby is then due a couple of months after that,” I said casually. I had told this to so many people now that telling it Jodie didn’t feel any different, in fact it felt good to tell her the truth because I had hidden everything for her for so long now. I didn’t want her to shout at her or tell me what an idiot I was, I just wanted her to understand and be there for me.
“There’s something else you’re not telling me. I can tell,” Jodie immediately said. She knew me better than I knew myself, it was actually scary at times and made me wonder why I had told her so much about myself.
“I may have actually fallen in love with Matthew along the way and not be sure how to tell him,” I shrugged as though it was the most normal thing in the world to tell your best friend. It wasn’t every day that you admitted to her that you had fallen in love with the guy you used to hate and wanted nothing to do with.
I looked at her and saw that she was looking at me like I was totally crazy. Her eyes were wider than I thought were even possible for a person and, for the first time in a while, I had seen Jodie completely speechless.
I couldn’t help but laugh at her reaction. I thought she would be shocked, but I didn’t think she would speechless. Jodie always had something to say and I was amazed that she didn’t have a word to say, she couldn’t even form a sentence.
“That must be a first. You unable to say anything,” I chuckled just as the door opened and Jason walked back in with a smile on his face. He already knew all of this and he had already told me how stupid I was, before telling me that he was happy I had finally found someone who was willing to be there for me and that he couldn’t wait for his niece to finally be born.
“What did I miss then?” Jason asked with a grin, taking the empty beside my bed as he looked between myself and Jodie. She was still on the edge of my bed with shock practically drawn on her face as she tried to find the right words to actually say.
“Nothing much. Just Jodie speechless for the first time in forever,” I replied with a grin.
“I am guessing you told her about Matthew then?”
“I am just struggling to understand how, not five minutes ago, you hated the guy and now you are telling me that you’re in love with him,” Jodie finally spoke, her attention turning to Jason who seemed unfazed by the entire thing unfolding before him. He simply laughed at her words, relaxing into his seat while taking a quick look at his phone. “I just wonder whether you’re rushing into this because of everything which is going on.”
“Don’t bother with that route Jods. You won’t win,” Jason muttered without even looking up from his phone.
“I thought you were with Braydon though. Are you sure you’re actually in love with him or do you just think you are?” Jodie asked. Her eye brow was slightly raised as she asked the question though. The question was enough to capture even Jason’s attention because not even he had thought to ask me something like that when we had this conversation last weekend.
I didn’t need to be told how crazy I sounded or how mad it all was because I already knew all of that. But, if there was one thing I knew, then it was that I was in love with Matthew.
It wasn’t just a thought and neither was it a rebound thing. I didn’t need to be told that what I was feeling wasn’t real or that I didn’t know what I was really feeling because of everything which was happening. I knew very well what I was feeling and, even in the time I spent with Braydon, I had never felt the way I felt when I was around Matthew.
“Braydon properly isn’t the best topic to talk about right now,” Jason said. His expression was cold because he hated Braydon and couldn’t have been happier when I told him I was going to leave Braydon because I couldn’t be dealing with someone like him in my life anymore. It was just too much with everything which was happening.
“Well, since she’s telling me things she should have told me when they happened, I feel I have the right to ask about Braydon,” Jodie pointed out. I hated her assertive side because she was so god damn pushy and she could get whatever the hell she wanted out of me. Even when I didn’t want to tell her, she still had this effect which made me tell her everything.
“He’s a twat. That’s all there is to it really,” Jason shrugged before turning his attention back to his phone.
“Basically, my father decided to feed Braydon all these lies about me. He told Braydon about the wedding, but he didn’t tell him that he was the one who was behind everything. He made Braydon think I was some cheap slut who jumped into bed with anyone who offered,” I paused for a second so that I didn’t get myself too worked up about the entire thing. I didn’t want to spend longer in here than was needed. In fact, I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of here and sleep in my own bed. “When I tried to explain myself to Braydon, he didn’t want to accept anything I was telling him, instead he resorted to shouting at me and punching Matthew.”
“So? Doesn’t really seem like a proper reason to hate the guy.”
“Jodie, he claimed to love me, but where was he when I needed him? He ran off. He ran off and didn’t bother stopping to give me a second look,” I snapped. I didn’t mean to lose my temper with her, but she really wasn’t seeing this from my point of view and she was failing to understand what it felt like to be accused of something I never did. For the person who supposedly loved you to not bother giving you a second look because they couldn’t really bare what you had done to them. The only thing she was seeing was the injustice which had been done against Braydon. “He only wanted to listen to me when I was lying in this hospital bed and there was the risk I was going to die. He practically begged me not to let him go, but I don’t see why I should be taken for a mug when I never did anything wrong in the first place.”
“Look, I think it’s for the best if we let this conversation go for now. We don’t want to put Chloe in any further danger,” Jason finally spoke up, putting his phone back into his pocket. “Let’s move onto something else.”
“Like what? Chloe’s fabricated love for Matthew?” Jodie laughed bitterly. I knew she was my best friend and that she would get over this all in her own time but, right now, I couldn’t help want to get her the hell away from me. She was treating everything I had told her like a joke. Mocking me like I was a child who needed punishment for bad behaviour.
“I don’t care whether you believe me or not to be honest Jods. I love you and everything because you’re my best friend, you’ve stuck by me through everything which has happened and I would love for you to be there for me right now. I don’t need another person judging me,” I sighed quietly. “If you can’t accept what I feel for Matthew, that’s fine, but please don’t tell me that what I’m feeling isn’t real.”
“I love you too Clo. You know that. I just don’t want to see you hurt. You’ve suffered enough and it’s time that you got some good luck,” Jodie muttered, standing up from my bed and walking over to the door. She hesitated for a moment, her eyes moving over to where I was lying, waiting for her to walk out of the room. “If you really do love him, then you need to go for it. You need to tell him how you feel and never let him. But, if there’s even a tiny amount of doubt in your mind, don’t tell him something you don’t even mean. I may not like the guy, but I don’t want to see him hurt either.”
It was with those parting words that she left. Silently closing the door behind her, I was almost sure that she was about to cry and burst into another rant about how foolish I was for letting my heart get in the way of what’s really important right now. Instead, she just walked out and left me nothing but her hard hitting words.
There was some doubt about what I was feeling. I did question whether I was only feeling like this because I felt like I didn’t have another option, especially after he told me that he loved me. But then there was the rest of me which was telling me that this was the right thing to do. I needed to tell him that I loved him because, if I never even did that, then I could lose the best thing which has ever happened to me.
“Something to make you smile Sparky,” Jason broke the silence, his voice full of nothing but happiness and overwhelming joy. “Everything is now in place for Matthew’s birthday surprise. You leave tomorrow evening, don’t worry I have sorted things with the doctors for you to be able to leave here tomorrow, and when you get there the dinner will be prepared on the beach. Heated tent out the way of everything and Matthew’s favourite meal to go with it.”
“Wait? How do you know what his favourite meal is? Even I don’t know that,” I asked. My face contorting into some weird form of confusion.
“You should learn things about the man who is going to be your husband,” my brother laughed though, when he noticed my expression, he immediately stopped laughing and continued with what he was saying, “his favourite meal is--“
“Steak, chips and peas. Real man’s food,” a voice finished from the doorway. I didn’t even realise that he had walked in or how long he had been stood there for. I hope that he wasn’t there when Jason told me about his birthday plans, I really did want to surprise him with some special.
“Shame you’re not a real man though,” Jason laughed as Matthew took a seat on the edge of me bed, an unfaltering smile on his face.
“I’m more of a man than you’ll ever be,” Matthew replied smugly.
I couldn’t help but smile as I watched the exchange between Matthew and Jason. When my brother first found out that Matthew was the father of my baby, he was ready to kill him and then disown me for being such an idiot. Now, they were joking like they had been friends for years and nothing had ever happened between them.
“You wish. I could beat you in a fight any day,” Jason laughed.
“Ah. It’s good to see you again man,” Matthew said, embracing Jason in some man hug as they shared the love they now had for each other. “I haven’t seen you in a while. Where have you been?”
“Running errands for my sister here. Since becoming pregnant and engaged she treats me like her personal slave.”
“Excuse me. You offered to help me so don’t you start lying about me,” I said. I ensured that my face remained expressionless so that I didn’t give anything away to my brother. I didn’t want him to know that I was messing around with him and that I was only joking.
“I, er, sorry,” Jason replied seriously, actually thinking that he had pissed me off.
“So you should be. I am the best sister you’ll ever have.”
“Because you’re my only sister.”
“I am just amazing. Everyone loves me and I love everyone in return. That’s how I roll,” I shrugged. Matthew took his place back on the edge of my bed, putting his hand on top of mine which was resting on our daughter. I hadn’t stopped touching my stomach since finding out I almost lost our daughter. I just wanted to make sure she was still there and that I hadn’t actually lost her.
It kept a smile on my face knowing that she was still safe and I wasn’t going to do anything to put her life in danger again. Hence the reason I wasn’t going to bother fighting my father anymore and I was going just going to allow him to have his moment, I was just going to let him have his fun. At the end of the day, I was always going to have the last laugh and I was always going to be able to tell people about what a total arse my father really was.
“Right, it’s time I was going. I have places to be, people to see,” Jason said with a grin, pushing himself up from the chair and embracing me in a quick hug before giving Matthew some more man love. “I’ll see you next weekend.”
“Next weekend?” Matthew asked in confusion.
“Oh. Didn’t my sister mention? I’m moving in with you,” Jason chuckled as he walked out of the room before Matthew could even ask him what the hell he was talking about, which meant I was going to get ten thousand questions about why my brother was moving into our place with us.
The reason was simple really. He didn’t want anything to do with our parents and he didn’t have the money to get his own place. I was just too nice for my own good sometimes and I didn’t want to see my brother on the streets. Allowing him to move in with us was the least I could do for him with everything he had done for me recently.
✖✖
“Five more minutes,” Matthew yawned, checking the time on his phone. Since he walked back into the room and Jason told him how generous I had been, the two of us had talked.
We just talked and got to know each other even more than we did. I found out that his favourite colour was blue, the best place he had ever been on holiday to was when he stayed in an apartment in France with his father for the week, his favourite actor was Will Ferrell, his favourite film was Elf – he said it’s because he was such a child at heart and he didn’t want anything to ever get between him and his childishness. He even told me that I was first girl he ever really loved, Lydia was just a place for him to relieve his sexual frustrations.
“It’s going to be an amazing year,” I smiled. Matthew had, somehow, managed to squeeze himself onto the bed beside me. His hand was absentmindedly running through my hair while his other was interlocked with my hand across my stomach. My head was resting on his chest, the steady sound of his heartbeat was refreshing and relaxing at the same time.
“The day our daughter arrives is going to be the most perfect day of my life. I can’t wait to finally meet her,” Matthew mused. I couldn’t see his face, but I was pretty certain that he was smiling, it was something which always happened when he spoke of her. Pure happiness and joy.
“I know my father has already ditched me once the wedding is done, but I also want to make sure my mother doesn’t come anywhere near me. Anywhere near us,” I muttered.
I had been thinking about it and I didn’t want anything to do with my mother either. She was just as bad as my father because she didn’t bother trying to stop him or even stick up for me when he did everything that he did. If she did that with me, her own daughter, then I don’t even want to think about what she would be like with her own granddaughter.
It was time I worried about myself and only myself. I was the most important person in my life and I needed to make sure I stayed healthy so that I could keep Amanda healthy.
“I’m not going to say anything. It’s entirely your choice,” Matthew chuckled.
“Nothing is going to ruin our family now. It’s all about you, me and Amanda. You two are all that matter to me,” I smiled.
“You and Amanda are the only girls I need,” Matthew whispered, as he pulled his phone out of his pocket again to check the time. I couldn’t wait to leave 2014 in the past and start 2015 with a boom.
There was so much for me to look forward to, starting with the holiday I would be sharing with Matthew tomorrow. There would be no one to interfere or tell us what to do. We would have the time to be ourselves and enjoy each other’s company. It would be amazing and it would be the happiest I had been in a long time.
“Happy New Year babe,” Matthew muttered and I turned my head so that I was looking at him. The smile on his face and the glint in his eyes to know that I was doing the right thing. I wasn’t going to be held back anymore and I wasn’t going to let other people’s thoughts get in the way of what I wanted.
“Happy New Year Matthew, and birthday,” I chuckled as I moved myself so that I was fully propped up on Matthew’s chest. “I love you.”
“Sorry. Did I just hear that right?” Matthew asked with a massive grin.
“Matthew Jenkinson, I love you. I love your smile, I love your laugh, I love your eyes, I love your humour, I love your sarcasm, and I just love you.”