Hi there. It is finally here. I loved so much to write this chapter despite the delay. I hope you like it too. 😘
Have you heard of the five stages of grief? It is also known as the Kübler-Ross model. Actually it was observed while terminally ill patients have dealt with their fate, but one could see in every situation where someone suffered a great loss. It separated the stages of grief to five steps. Everyone supposed to deal with denial, anger, bargaining, depression - with acceptance in the end.
I felt like I suffered a great loss. But I did it even before I really knew how great that could be.
He could be.
Honestly, I also felt ridiculous - it sometimes made me smile bitterly as I thought about that. Maybe he never wanted me. Maybe I've totally misread his generally kind behaviour and he was into Daniela from the beginning. I was convinced he only saw me as a friend, or the best friend of his teammate who he occasionally talked with.
Or...
Or maybe I was the idiot who pushed him away with my act with Leclerc and my indecisiveness.
Whatever, it didn't matter now. I just gave in to those stages of grief so they could wash over me sooner.
Except now, I felt like I got all of them at once. I felt the denial every time I theatrically chose to kiss Leclerc when I've met him and pretended I didn't care about who's watching.
"Jesus, I feel like I got stuck at Love Island or something," Max grimaced as we arrived to the Hockenheim paddock and the first ones we saw were Daniel with his girlfriend - hand in hand.
"Except, that they are the most annoying couple ever, so nobody understands why they haven't been voted out yet," I pouted.
"I can't believe this. Why exactly does he have to bring her along all the fucking time?" I asked as I watched them with my arms crossed over my chest.
"And why exactly are you this annoyed about them?" Max's face appeared in my field of vision with a suspicious frown.
"She wrote the article about me," I started but Max waved me down.
"Yeah I know what she did, you told me before. Also, she made possible for you to snog around the paddock with Leclerc, so practically you could thank her that," the Dutch grimaced again with a sarcastic grin.
"Shut up," I barked and took another look at the Italian-Australian couple.
See, denial.
Sure, that I was angry as hell. I was fuming from the second I saw them together for the first time. But now, it was on a different level. I was arrogant and negligent every time it came even to the mention of the name of Daniel.
"Hi Clara," he greeted me with his widest smile on Thursday morning when I arrived to the Energy Station. Normally, I was actively avoiding him, but that one time my concentration slipped and I almost bumped into him at the entrance.
He grinned at me like that normally would melt my inside, but this time I casted down my eyes and tried to get around him.
"Yes, hi," I murmured.
"Whoah," he stepped in front of me, and blocking my way. "What's the matter?" He asked. His voice was slightly concerned, and I saw he even raised his hand to touch my shoulders but came to a halt mid-air and decided just not to.
I looked at him.
"Let me through," I asked him impatiently without any kindness.
"Only if you tell me why are you like this," he even smiled. I could have slapped him right there.
Without saying anything out loud, I sighed, turned and left him there. I went straight around the building and got in the Medical Room room from the other way. I closed the door, and slipped to the ground, exhaling long.
Maybe, it did happen like this for a reason. Maybe it's Charles who I need.
He was nice, and so happy I decided to "go all in" with him. He made plans for us - mainly every day. I'm not saying he didn't swagger with our relationship - especially when the Red bull team happened to be around - but that I didn't mind a bit at that moment.
Those thoughts were racing in my head when I snuggled closer to Charles before the second free practice. I had enough of our team, so I searched for him and found them with Arthur in their garage.
It was cold that weekend, even below 20 degrees and it started to rain moderately half an hour ago - that's why I shivered.
"I need to go, ma belle," Charles gave a peck on my lips.
"Sure, take care," I nodded and watched him as he started to dress up more to fit for the coming up session.
"Will do," he winked and lowered his visor.
I looked up to the monitors to check the radar image, but instead of that my eyes were caught upon the television broadcast, where my kiss with Leclerc was just shown.
Fuck. I didn't see the cameras.
"Here, take this," Arthur held out a red coat towards me with a kind smile on his face.
"Thank you," I smiled back at him. I put it on my shoulders and decided to stay for a bit, since the practice started but nobody drove out yet.
Every team waited for the others to go out, bust their tyres to dry the tarmac.
I felt my throat go dry when as the starter, I saw one Red Bull roar out of the pit lane with the number 3 on it.
I bit my lips as the broadcast showed a playback, Daniel watching the monitors then looked as he'd had enough, made the decision instead of his engineers and hopped in his car to drive out.
Fuck, just take care - I whispered to myself. He will be ok, right?
I zipped the Ferrari coat up to my chin and glued my eyes to the monitors.
He was in fact alright, his car was covered in water by the end of the few laps he took.
In the Ferrari garage people got excited as their rival team's numbers seemed fine enough for them as well to drive out.
"Montre leur, Charles," I heard Arthur cheering next to me to his brother. I smiled, almost every time seeing their gente interactions. Then, I raised my gaze to watch the broadcast, and completely forgot about the fact that I wasn't in the garage I supposed to be.
"How nice of you to show up," I heard Max's ironic words as I went back to the Red Bull garage after the end of the practice.
"What? It's not like we would have been spending quality time together," I grimaced with a smile in the end.
Actually I had a pleasant time at the Ferrari garage, and didn't have any work to do here. He just shook his head disapprovingly, then decided to remove his overall and tie it around his waist. He reached for a cold towel to wipe his face, only then he continued.
"I need your help," he started simply, but I frowned at his random request, letting him to continue.
"Dan's birthday is next week and I want to throw him a party in Monaco. Will you help me organise?" He asked.
No. No way, I won't. There is a designed girl for that.
He blinked at me with the eyes of a newborn sheep, and I scoffed from the feeling of being stuck which just overcame me.
"Max, I...," I started, but didn't really know what to say - only that I won't do it.
"You always think about the details and I happened to hear that you organised your training sessions incredibly well. So I need that, and also..." he wanted to go on but I cut in.
"Why don't you ask Daniela? She is his girlfriend, isn't she the one who supposed to throw a birthday party to him?" I asked rolling my eyes.
He looked around and shushed me down.
"Jesus, no," he lowered his voice.
"What no?"
"I don't even know her," he stated, like it was suppose to stay that way.
"It can change," I grimaced.
"No, it won't," he continued determined. "So you will help?" He blinked at me a few times still so innocent I had to give in.
"Awesome," he cheered up and left to the debrief.
I exhaled long and crossed my hands on my chest.
How am I going to do this? And first - why am I going to do this?
My eyes were caught upon the returning Daniel. He didn't seem too happy with his P3... I didn't understand. It was a good position, especially in the rain, so I frowned at the monitors then looked back at him. Our eyes suddenly met and I could safely say that he didn't look at me like this in the morning. He looked annoyed, even hurt.
"Danny, you were fantastic, so brave to drive in that cold rain!" I heard the now well known squeak as Daniela appeared.
I saw Daniel flash his signature smile at her, and his hands pulled her in a hug.
"Oh, no you are so wet!" Daniela shrieked and pushed him away.
I've had enough. I scoffed, and walked back to the my office while strongly thinking about how to fake an illness for the next week to actually avoid Daniel's birthday party.
Wait, it was bargaining, right?
On Saturday I woke up early. After tossing and turning around for nearly an hour I decided I had enough thinking for a lifetime and decided to go for a run.
As I sat up I heard some quiet noise on the side of Charles.
"Where are you going?" He turned to me and reached for my arm to pull me back to the bed. I managed to slip away and only throw him a kiss.
"I'm going to the track early and run a lap or two," I explained.
"I'll come with you," he yawned.
"No, you should rest," I ruffled his hair. "Stay and sleep a bit more, we were up late," I smiled at him, thinking about last night.
"Are you going with the girls?" He asked curiously. Suddenly it looked like he was wide awake.
"No, I'm going alone."
His look was a bit suspicious, but I didn't want to ask him why exactly, so I just left and hoped he won't make the next tantrum about me going on my next run.
I've heard the engines roaring up in the distance when I was about to finish my second lap. I felt my tights burning up and my breathing was becoming heavy. I was so lost in thoughts I haven't realised it started to rain again. I was already soaked to the bones when I turned on the last corner and decided to cross on the grass so I could enter from a side road to the pit lane.
Well, it turned out to be the mistake of the day. I slipped on a wet kerb and nearly fell over. My shoes slided on its side and I felt the instant splitting pain in my ankle as I slided.
"Shit," I gritted through my teeth and I leaned over to examine the leg. It shook with pain when I tried to shift some weight on it.
How awesome.
I limped back to the Red Bull garage, and headed straight to the medical office. I gritted my teeth at every step, sharp pain stabbed through me each time.
"Clara?" I heard my name on the corridor. I turned my head back.
"Yes?"
Oh, it was Daniel. Again.
He was with Michael, standing in workout clothes and both had their eyes on me.
I guess I wasn't the best of views, with my muddy trainers, soaked hair and pouting lips.
"Gee', what happened?" Michael asked and hurried to my help. He offered me his arm and helped me walk extra slow to our office.
"I was just running, and well - obviously I slipped," I sighed as I finally took a sit on the table.
"It's not like the weather conditions are ideal for a run," Michael tried to scold me, but I made him shut up with a glance.
"Anyway, I go and try to find Lee," he mumbled and with that he quickly left the room.
I groaned, and leaned back as I saw my ankle is getting more swollen by the minute.
I heard Daniel sigh in the doorway. I didn't even see if he was still there, all my attention was turned to my pain.
"Clara, I think you run too much. Look where this ends up," he said calmly.
I rolled my eyes and didn't answer.
Well, he could be right. I was running to think. I was running not to think. I was running because I was angry, annoyed, frustrated or depressed.
So I ran a lot.
He took a step closer, and stopped beside me. He sighed as he looked at my ankle with much concern in his eyes.
"You already lost weight, right?" he asked quietly.
"Which you don't even needed to," he looked me in the eye. "It doesn't look... healthy, Clara."
I stared at him, and it really looked like that he cared. However, I couldn't stand his stare for long. I turned my head to the side avoiding his gaze and exhaled.
"Well, I need this to cope," I murmured.
"Yeah, I guess just running each morning for an hour and a half is just your jam," he scoffed.
I groaned and put my arm over my eyes. I didn't even want to look at him. Or speak with him. Because if he didn't parade all over the garage and - oh, my favourite - the social media with his pretty astonishing girlfriend then I wouldn't feel like I have to breath out my lungs.
"You can be cynical Daniel, but I think it's maybe not the right moment to start that," I told him bitterly. I heard him keep his breath in for a few moments then let it out.
"Yeah, right I'm sorry. It's just... that I hate to see you like this," he said, and he put his hand on my arm. His warmth that I felt again on my skin after such a long time made me forget about my twisted ankle instantly. He gently squeezed it, just so slightly it made me lower it down from over my eyes.
After my safe, covering shield was down I looked at him again. Yeah, he was concerned.
For me.
His eyes were looking for mine, and I could even see that he bit his lower lip from the inside.
"I think I could say the same," I mumbled, still watching his mouth. His lips parted now a bit with the sudden surprise as he heard my remark. It was obvious he didn't only mean my hurt state but everything else too that happened recently.
And I was thinking about the same - only his side.
He squeezed my arm again, and then slided his hand along my shoulder and my neck further up until he reached my cheek. His hand cupped the side of my face and with his thumb he started to caress my cheek, looking at me with his brown puppy eyes. He wasn't smiling, but his pupils were dilated and fixed on me so focused it made my stomach twist.
I had to close my eyes for a second to get myself together.
I had a boyfriend. He had a girlfriend. And with reason.
Honestly, what the fuck is he doing then?
I leaned to his hand to feel his touch a little more, then I took a deep breath.
"Daniel," I whispered.
"Sorry, I just..." he mumbled, but didn't take his hand off my cheek. I could see him searching for the right words desperately.
After a minute of silence, and getting lost in the other's gaze with racing thoughts, the door opened, which made Daniel backing so fast as if he got struck by lightning.
"Clara, what the hell happened?" My uncle was leading the little group who barged in to the room.
"Well," I started, still being under the spell of Daniel's act, stupidly blinking at my twisted ankle as if I just discovered my injury.
"First DNF of the track today," Max crossed his arms over his chest, looking he was proud of his joke.
I flashed him my most sarcastic smile in return.
"Don't you have a qualification today to attend, Verstappen?" I asked.
"I do, but is it even allowed without my doctor?" He asked frowning his boss standing next to him.
"Sure it is," I rolled my eyes. "And I am here by the way." I opened my arms, showing that I was literally lying on my own examination table.
"Lee is going to take care of me, right?" I asked my colleague hiding at the back.
"Yes, sure, until we take you to the hospital," he nodded.
"No way!" I protested. "I'm going home tomorrow, then I go in," I winced on the thought.
I knew I can't skip a visit to a traumatologist, but I could at least postpone it. But then, the brightest idea struck me. David. He can deal with this, totally. And then I'm good.
I ordered everyone out of the room, and was left only with Lee. I told him to call for David.
We didn't need to wait for the FIA's head doctor for long, he came in shortly, even before the qualifying.
After examining my ankle he sighed long.
"You are lucky, nothing is torn or broken for sure," he smiled. "But you have to take a step back," he added. "I'll bring you a brace and you need to wear it for 4 weeks at least."
I groaned, but accepted his opinion. After he left I demanded Lee to give me some more painkillers. I wanted to watch the qualification, but after the stress and those drugs, I drifted in to some light, troubled sleep. I only got woken up by a loud shriek.
"Tell me you didn't sleep through the whole course of awesomeness I just did, Clara," Max was still holding his helmet in his hand, and looked soaked. I guessed that the session ended and I've slept it through.
"Did you win?" I sat up with my eyes wide.
"Well, it is just Saturday, but hell yes I did," he grinned, and came closer to hug me.
I held him tight, and remembered that two weeks ago we were in the exact same position, only switched up. I comforted him and now he just did the same. I smiled even harder. Somehow, I didn't care one bit about him being wet and making me too.
"See, you are amazing without me as well," I patted his back.
"I am but it's not the same," he answered and I felt my heart go warmer a bit.
"Clara," I heard a voice in the door. I looked up and Charles was standing in my office's door. "Why didn't you call me?"
He was also still wearing his racing overall, and looked at us accusingly. I felt Max freeze under my hug, and he released me to straighten up and stand between me and the Monégasque.
"Wait, did I just miss our team's next signing or am I right and you are still not supposed to step foot in here?" The Dutch asked.
"You can guess that I wouldn't be here by my own choice," Charles scoffed and peeked over to me.
"I am still your boyfriend right? Who should take care of you?" He looked over to me and raised his eyebrows.
He was partly right I had to say. But I was also right when I didn't want to bother him with my whining call just before the qualifying.
"Guys, please stop. Yes, of course you are. But I had help and you needed to race," I sighed.
"Oh, like driving a Ferrari this weekend he wouldn't have to try so hard," Max mocked him earning a sarcastic snort from Charles.
"Wow, someone seems to forget that tomorrow is the race," he answered narrowing his eyes. I started to feel that this thing isn't going to the right direction.
"Oh wow, hi," Vicki and Daniel just arrived. Vicki greeted the guest from Ferrari with a shy smile.
Daniel only raised his brows.
"Should we let him come in here? I mean isn't it against team regulations?" He asked Vicki.
"You can tell me to go directly, there's no need to report me," Charles started to get quiet annoyed.
"Oh can I actually report you because of this?" Daniel looked at him. They stood next to each other, looking eye to eye.
God, they were the same height.
"Guys, would you please stop this?" I raised my voice and everyone looked back at me. I had enough of this boy scouts quarrel.
"I need help, not this sensless broadway show. Does any of you know where is David? I mean Doctor," I asked. "I need a brace to get home."
"Yes in fact he was the one who told me about your ankle," Charles spoke up, still looking annoyed. "He also told me he come here shortly," he explained.
"Good, then I will wait for him here," I said. "Alone," I added with such a heavy emphasis which made everyone leave the room.
After David fixed up my brace I called Vicki who helped me to get back to the hotel. Charles was already waiting for me there.
"You should have called me," he pouted. "I could have helped," he said while he helped me to lay down.
I rolled my eyes and asked him to tell me his qualifying instead of talking about me. He explained in great details Ferrari's struggles in the wet conditions.
"I'm nervous that we won't finish at the front tomorrow," he said and started to bite his nails, buried in his thoughts. I watched him for a few seconds.
"Just go to your dinner then, and cheer up your team," I said.
He looked at me, then to my ankle. Honest disbelief was written all over his face.
"How? You are injured," He said.
I scoffed.
"Yes, and hence I'll lay here all evening. Doing nothing. And you have a whole team to care for," I smiled.
"God," he gasped and his surprised expression made me frown.
"What?"
"I just...," he mumbled. "Never had a girlfriend like you," he said. "I'd never expect something so selfless."
It made me laugh.
"Well, I swore to help others, right? It's my life to be selfless," I giggled. "And I could go to sleep earlier if you leave, so just go already."
He gave me another impressed look, flollowe by a long kiss. Oy then he left to join his own team for dinner.
There wasn't 10 minutes that passed when I heard a soft knock on my door. I couldn't really get up to see who's there so I shouted out to adk who was that.
"It's room service madam." A nicely dressed waitress stepped in the room. She held the biggest plate with a whole sortment of desserts and placed it on the nightstand next to me. There were fruits, choclates, cake and some ice cream on ot, beautifully organised.
"But I didn't order anything," I gasped. The waitress had a snug smile on her face.
"I know. Mr. Ricciardo sent it to you," she said and said goodbye.
I blinked a couple of times and as she left I looked at the tray again. Next to the plate there was a little piece of paper.
Make sure you have all of it. And don't you ever use the kerbs again while running. Please. - DR.
I read the message twice while I smiled and bit on my lip.
Then I grabbed a piece of chocolate and ate it.
Hey, did I just reach acceptance?