"Where the hell am I?
One second, I was face-to-face with a sixteen-year-old Vera, and the next, everything just disappeared, and there was nothing but... the den? "Hello? Is anybody there?"
"Hey, Mish." No. This cannot be possible. There was only one person who made fun of me that way and the last time I checked, she was dead.
"Cassie?" I was surely hallucinating. Wouldn't exactly be the first time.
"Got your call." She flashed me a smile I never in my life thought I would see again. It was sweet, playful; it was Cassie.
"This can't be real." The mere sight of her caused my heartbeat to quicken. The sound of it was amplifying to the point of everything seeming mute. Staring at her, it was as if feeling pain on a wound I thought healed a long time ago. This wound, despite the time that passed, was raw. There wasn't a band-aid to rip or scar tissue. Instead, there was still blood.
"Oh, it is. Have you heard of the Collective Unconscious?"
"Oh." Regardless of how her presence brought about a swirling tornado of emotions in me, I couldn't believe I haven't caught on instantly.
"Getting sloppy, huh? Remind me again, was it really a good idea to get three degrees in Philosophy?" She joked.
"Can't let mom and dad boss me around. You're really here. And what call?"
"The necrophone?" A few things flashed through my mind, but there was a specific memory I wasn't ready to face. So I chose not to.
"So was what I saw just a normal occurrence here?" She gawked at me questioningly. "I just invaded someone's memories. Even felt like I was there."
"Yeah, but you must have been thinking about her real hard to have done that." Her? How did she- "Oh, Hamish. I know everything. I see everything."
I obviously needed to get my mind out of the gutter, and by the reaction she had, I was quite certain she understood where my brain went. "No, not like that, you asshole. I would never do that. Gotta say, though. You definitely have a type. Brave, powerful, fiery, really confident."
I immediately lowered my gaze. "What? I'm not mad at you. You know that, right?"
"If you 'know everything' then why am I here?" I couldn't help it. No matter how long I've been wanting to have this, the realness of it all (and the finality ) overwhelmed me.
"You could ask Lilith that. But since she said she's giving us time to talk for a while, the short answer is your dead."
"Dea-"
"Shh. Hamish. You have blatantly changed topics for at least three times already, and we haven't been talking for more than ten minutes. Let me talk to you. This may be the only chance we get for a long time." She attempted to take one of my hands, but I turned away. Seeing her was one thing, touching her? I needed to be able to convince myself that I was dreaming all of this.
"What do you want me to say?"
"What you want to say."
The mere thought of that caused tears to brim my eyes. With my back still facing her, I decided to do as she requested. "What, you want me to admit that when you died, I've never felt so lonely in my whole life? Or how angry I was that you weren't careful even after I reminded you to be? Or the fact that I had so much guilt that I never got to tell you that I loved you? I thought you already knew that."
I could hear her release a breath that resembled relief. "I love you too, Hamish Duke. There's not a single day that I wish I didn't die. You see, being in here is like the sweetest torture anyone could ever have. I watched you as you grieved me, and there wasn't anything more punishing than that. But then, you started accepting. You started moving on and the conflict inside me- I didn't know whether to be happy or sad that you were finally letting me go. I witnessed every single moment of weakness and joy. When you inducted Lilith and Jack? When you almost died? The moment you realized you were developing real feelings for Vera?"
"I'm sorry, Cassie." There was nowhere in me that regretted being with Vera, but I had to apologize because of the pain it must have caused her, witnessing our relationship unfold.
"Hamish, there's nothing to be sorry for. I've moved past any feelings of resentment or despair. In fact, I am so happy and proud of the choices you've made and the person you've become. You are right where you need to be, trust me." She placed a hand on my shoulder, willing me to meet her gaze. I wished I hadn't, because one look at her teary eyes intensified the feelings I tried to bottle up for a long time. Her hand moved to my face, cupping my cheek. "But to be able to move forward, you need to forgive me. And yourself. She might make questionable choices once in a while, but don't base your reaction on the past. Vera's not going to be another me."
The instincts I subconsciously reserved for only her still kicked in. I was still a sucker when it comes to her. So I held her, and she did the same. There was this constant tugging in my heart, pleading me to stay or beg her to, but she was right. As always. This was her, and this was us. Hamish and Cassie. We were us, but now I must be me, and I must let her be; set her free.
And now that the unspoken yearnings have been said, I felt it deep inside me- I was ready.
A cough separated us. "You guys, done?"
"Hey, Lil." Cassie wiped her tears.
Although I was still a sniffling mess, I didn't let that hinder me. "Lilith Bathory in the flesh. In a non-demonic way, I hope."
"Well, that's kind of complicated. And that's why I brought you here."
"Brought as in killed?"
"Exactly."
"That was you?"
"Uh, not exactly."
I huffed in confusion. "Okay, explain, please, or my questions will start having questions."
"When I was up there -- yes, up -- I was still the same the first few days or hours, I could never tell. But slowly, I started losing parts of myself. And every one that leaves my soul or brain, they're trapped here. Basically, I'm a whole in here because there's only a sliver of me left in that body. And I need you to get every part of me back."
"And how do I do that exactly?"
"Willpower, I'm assuming? I'm not really clear on the details. To be honest, this is just a theory."
I scoffed. "So, my success rate is based on nothing? You're having me do what is possibly impossible."
"I know. I took a huge leap bringing you, but I at least needed a chance to try. I don't want to be stuck here. Or worse."
I heard her loud and clear. I recalled what she saw in the fear corridor. "Why me?"
"Ugh, I knew that question was coming." She rolled her eyes at me. There was a brief pause and an annoyed glare before she opened her mouth. "Because... remember what you told me before? About living life? You were the only one who even had the chance to get through to me. You're our leader, and there's nothing that will change that. I know you'd never let me go. Not even to your expense, because that's what you do. That's the kind of leader you are."
"And you still believe that? After -- I'm assuming -- all the things you've seen me do? How Randall and Jack felt betrayed by me and lost their trust?"
"Hamish, you've always been this person. You were excited about Jack performing magic when it benefitted us even when it was just refilling beer. You were friendly to Alyssa Drake even when I thought I hated her guts. You let Vera help us defeat Edward Coventry without question (although I'm starting to believe that might have been for a different reason)." After that, she was clearly teasing, but examining closer, Lilith was smiling at me in a way I've never seen before. Firstly, it was an actual smile with teeth, and there was a tenderness to it that I never expected much of her. I had no choice but to believe her. "As you've said before, change can be good. You've never been afraid of it, so why start now?"
There was nothing that I could have responded at that moment that would match exactly how I felt inside. It was indeed a genuine moment we were sharing that Lilith just had to ruin it. "So was that enough coddling to convince you to help me?"
"I never need to be convinced when it comes to you, Lil." I gripped her shoulder in reassurance.
"I know. Cassie?" She glanced at Cassie as if asking for permission.
"I get it. It's time you guys go. Thank you so much, Lil. Have a safe trip, you two. Hamish, be wise, and remember what I said."
"This is now or never, huh?" Lilith breathed.
"What do I do?"
"Just focus on what you want. About not wanting to die. About me."
"Lilith, I will never let you go." I held her hand tightly.
"Hamish?" She gripped my hand. "Don't you fucking dare tell the others about what I said in here."
"No promises," I smirked. "See you on the other side."
It was as if the world was in slow motion. I closed my eyes and inhaled and exhaled.
I will not fail.