After almost an hour, I smiled as I hold the portrait up.
Finally, tapos ko na itong portrait na ginawa ko para kay Liam.
I actually don't have any plan of showing it to him but the friendship he offers makes me enthusiastic. Kaya ibibigay ko as a random gift.
Even if he's two years older than me, we already became that close because he's congenial and great to be with. Whenever he's here, I feel like I'm not alone.
And it feels so great, to know that there's someone out there who appreciates your existence.
Lumabas ako ng room ko at naglakad papunta sa room niya kahit hindi ako sigurado kung naroon ba siya.
These past few weeks, especially since the class started, he's always out of the house. It's only a matter of days when we could eat breakfast together and talk about something randomly.
It isn't like I'm demanding for his time, it's just that I really don't have someone to talk to aside from Pascal. Sina Ate Nory kasi ay abala sapaghahanda para sa party na gaganapin sa susunod na buwan. It's a huge ball for my 16th birthday that's why they're settling everything ngayon pa lang.
I knocked on his door and waited for a few seconds before I saw him rubbing his eyes with tousled hair. He just woke up like that, a paragon of perfection.
"Uhm, did I wake you up?" nag-aalalang tanong ko.
Humalakhak siya at ipinilig ang ulo sa loob. "Do you want to get in?"
"No. I'll just come back later. You should continue resting."
"It's okay," he softly said in a husky voice. "Get in."
When I get inside, I saw how neat and organized his room is. It's masculine and dark, succulently cozy in a mix of white, gray, and blue. A huge squashy couch is in the heart of the room, sitting comfortably with royalty in front of a gigantic flat-screen TV.
I smiled. His favorite color must be blue, just like his ocean eyes.
I hugged the portrait against my chest and wander my eyes on the other side of the large room. By the window is his study table with a lamp and a pile of papers and books. On its side is a drafting table with t-square, different sizes of rulers, pencils, and rolled papers like plates.
Mukhang super smart ni Liam. Because aside from his table full of working plates, there's also a bookcase lining on the farthest corner of the wall. And a guitar. And a lot of picture frames with minimalist designs.
And the most amazing of all is the collection of old vintage cameras.
"Can I touch one of them?"
Tumango siya kaya nakangiti kong inabot ang isa at hinaplos iyon.
"This is awesome."
This is the very first time I saw a vintage camera. Kaya ganito ako namamangha. I actually wanted to have one but I can't ask dad for it. He's not into this kind of stuff and he probably thinks that I also shouldn't be interested in this, too.
Gayunpaman, kontento na ako sa mga polaroid na ibinigay sa akin ni Kuya Hans. Noong nandito pa siya, lagi niya akong sinusuportahan sa lahat, maging ang pagmamahal ko sa sining at literatura.
"I have a passion for collecting instant films and old cameras. It's a very small collection, but it's growing," ani Liam.
Hinarap ko siya dahilan upang magtama ang mga mata namin.
"You like photographs?"
"I love photographs."
"Same!" I exclaimed but immediately covered my mouth because I must be "that" loud. "I'm sorry."
He frowned. "Why are you sorry again? You don't have to control your emotions, Vivienne. Your Dad isn't here."
Kumunot ang noo ko. "What?"
Umiling siya at umupo sa kaniyang kama sabay turo sa portrait na dala ko. "What's that?"
Nakangiti kong iniabot sa kaniya iyon. "I hope you'll like it."
Without any picture of him, I draw that. I was simply memorizing the contour of his face whenever we were talking so I can perfectly stroke my pencil on the paper.
Noong una, nahihirapan akong gumuhit ngunit dahil lagi siyang nakangiti, madali kong kabisado ang bawat detalye ng mukha niya.
I didn't forget the little detail, the light brownish freckles across his nose bridge. Actually, the most difficult part was his lips. It was symmetrically perfect.
But my most favorite part is his blue eyes. They're as deep as the ocean. Sobrang nakakamangha.
"This is wonderful, Vivienne. I love it."
He gave me a bright smile. That smile is contagious, it makes me smile, too.
"Thank you for this. Now, I have something to put on that space."
I looked at where he is pointing at, on the wall which looks fine but indeed there's something missing.
"You're welcome."
"You're great at sketching even there's no picture to imitate. That's a unique talent."
"You're flattering me."
He chuckled. "Ate Nory told me that you like sketching, especially people, that you even sketched every person here."
"Hmm..." Tumango ako. "I love people as my subject. You know, their facial expressions. Especially their smiling faces. I actually sketch them because it feels like it's an achievement to see new faces."
Awtomatikong nagsalubong ang mga kilay niya dahil doon. Tiningnan niya ako na parang may gusto siyang itanong pero pinipigilan ang sarili na huwag.
Palagi niyang ginagawa iyan, para bang hinahayaan niya akong magdesisyon kung ibabahagi ko ba ang mga iniisip ko o hindi. And I find it benevolent of him.
"I can't stay that long outside because my parents are scared that an accident might happen again. I've been in a car accident before that causes me a brain traumatic injury."
His eyes softened while looking at me.
"That's the reason why they're taking good care of me, preventing my head to bump into something."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
Ginawaran ko siya ng ngiti. "I'm compiling my sketches in a folder, do you want to see them?"
Tumango siya kaya bumalik ako sa room ko para kuhanin ang folder kung saan naka-compile ang ilan sa mga gawa kong portrait.
Nakita ko si Pascal na nakahiga sa bed ko, mukhang naghihintay sa akin. Nang makita niya ako, agad siyang tumahol at lumapit sa akin. Siguro ay kanina niya pa ako hinahanap.
I laughed as I caressed his fur. This chow chow is really clingy!
I go back to Liam's room with Pascal behind me. When he saw Liam, he immediately wagged his tail and humped into him as if he misses him.
They're also friends now, I guess.
Matapos kong inabot kay Liam ang folder, agad niyang tiningnan ang bawat pahina noon. At pinuri ako sa pagiging magaling sa pagguhit.
Nakangiti ako the whole time habang ikinukwento ko sa kaniya kung paano ko nakilala ang bawat taong iginuhit ko.
"Most of them are my friends who worked here as a maid, cook, and driver. I'm also friends with some guards before."
"You're friendly, then."
"Why do you sound sarcastic?"
He let out a hearty chuckle so I pouted.
"Sometimes, I wonder how does it feel like to have a friend who's as same age as me? Because all of my friends are older than me."
"Aren't you thankful that at least you have friends than nothing at all?"
"I am. But I just think that there's something lacking. Kahit alam kong maling maghangad nang sobra, hindi ko mapigilan."
"You have me, Vivienne."
"But you're still two years older than me."
Because of that, he let out a hearty laugh again. Kaya natawa rin ako.
"How 'bout you? Do you have any friends your age?" tanong ko.
"I have, a lot of them. Those idiots were actually fun to be with."
"Hey, that's bad." I tapped his hand. "Why were you calling your friends like that?"
"If you only know them, you wouldn't ask that," tumatawang aniya.
I pouted. I didn't expect him to say such a word. Kaya mas na-curious ako sa mga kaibigan niya. And how they treat him.
"I have tons of pictures of them. Let me show you."
Hinayaan niya akong makita ang lahat ng album at video na dala niya ngayon. Hindi pa kasi niya naililipat ang mga gamit niya rito sa bahay, nasa condo unit niya pa.
There were a lot of pictures and videos. Ni hindi niya alam kung gaano karaming flash drives ang mayroon siya para itago ang mga larawan ng mga kaibigan.
"Are you capturing every second of their lives?" tanong ko nang makita ang sobrang random na pictures, kadalasan ay stolen at blurred.
Hindi siya sumagot at tumawa lang, habang pinagmamasdan akong mamangha sa lahat ng nakikita ko.
He's a traveler, too. Marami akong nakitang pictures niya kasama ang mga locals abroad. Ang sabi niya, ang mommy niya ang kaniyang travel buddy dati. While talking about her, he seems so happy. Like he loves his mother more than anyone in this whole wide world.
Actually, his mother's family is one of the loyal and major shareholders of our company. Kaya naging madali para sa kaniya ang maka-close si dad.
"He looks so soft, so why did you name him Pascal?"
Hinahaplos namin ngayon ni Liam ang balahibo ng fur baby ko dahil napagod kaming magtingin sa sobrang daming pictures. Wala pa ata kami sa kalahati.
"Because he was born on Easter day. He's a birthday present from my Kuya Hans on my seventh birthday. Alam mo ba, he planned it beforehand."
I giggled because I feel so excited to tell him about what Kuya Hans did to make that special day so much special.
"He has a friend kasi, the parent of Pascal's mother, but he doesn't want her babies. Kaya instead na ipamigay sa iba or itapon or what, Kuya Hans waited for two months and adopted Pascal."
"What he did is great. People should adopt dogs, not shop."
"Yeah. My Kuya was thoughtful for doing that."
I flashed a small smile and reminisce on that wonderful memory.
It's my birthday today. Everyone's busy, including my parents who are making sure that everything's going to be perfect. They have many guests for tonight's occasion, mostly their business partners.
Katatapos lang ng children's party kaya pagod na ako. But I had fun naman kahit, ang totoo, halos hindi ko kilala ang mga batang nakasama.
I look for Kuya Hans because he's out of nowhere. Huli ko siyang nakita ay noong hinipan ko ang kandila sa sobrang taas na cake.
I asked Manang Terentina about his whereabouts and she told me to go upstairs so I did. But when I came to his room, I saw no one. Napanguso ako at baba na sana nang marinig ko siyang tawagin ang pangalan ko mula room ko.
My eyes widened when I open the door. From Kuya Hans' face, my eyes gazed at the little fur buddy he was holding.
It was a small chowchow with a cinnamon coat and fluffy fur. It looks so soft that I didn't have any second thought about touching it. Ngunit tinahulan niya ako kaya natatakot akong umatras.
Humalakhak si Kuya Hans. "He's quite aggressive to new faces, Vivi."
"Doesn't he like me?" nakanguso kong tanong ngunit muli lang niya akong tinawanan. "I wanted to touch him, Kuya!"
"Here, just be careful. You're scaring him."
He tried to baby mouth that cute little chowchow. I went near them as I slowly caressed his fur. When he licked my hand, I let a hearty chuckle.
"Wanna hold him?"
"Yes, please," I answered without taking my eyes off the puppy. "He's adorable!"
"You like it, Vivienne?"
"I love him!" natutuwa kong sagot. "What's his name? Who's the owner? Can we play with him tonight?"
"He's yours now, Vivi."
Kaagad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Halos umawang pa ang labi ko habang nakatitig sa kaniya. But then he chuckled. Tapos ay nakangiti niyang pinisil ang dalawa kong mga pisngi.
"Where did you get him?"
He lifted his hand to place it on my shoulder. "My friend doesn't want him so I take him with me, because I know you'll like him. For lifetime happiness, take enough care of him."
My eyes immediately pooled with unshed tears, clouding my vision. "I love you, Kuya, more than anyone in this world."
"I know. And I also do, Vivi," aniya at mahigpit akong niyakap.
We formulated the puppy's name. We played with him and introduced him to our maids. Our parents gladly embrace him, too, making me happier that day.
I couldn't help but smile whenever that delightful memory flashes through my mind as if it just happened earlier.
Kuya Hans was willing to do everything for me, to make me happy, that's why I really love him. And the thought that he's not here with me anymore makes me feel blue somehow.
That's the reason why I value Pascal more than a chowchow. He's my buddy and my baby.
"So this fur buddy was once aggressive to you, huh?" Liam asked, snapping me back to reality.
Humalakhak ako at tumango. "He's aggressive to new faces."
"Maybe I'm an exception then."
"You're nice... that's why."
"I'm nice?" he reiterated as if it was the first time he heard someone compliment him like that.
"You didn't know?" Umiling siya kaya natawa ko. "You're a nice and kind guy, Liam."
Ngumiti siya. Even his ocean eyes are smiling, too.
"You are, too, Vivienne."
"Thank you."
Muli niya akong nginitian. I would always see him with that contagious smile across his face that's why I feel so comfortable with his company.
Mula nang makausap at makilala ko siya, I never feel inferior and at risk. He's the kind of person no one would think he could bring harm because he looks genuine inside out.
"You're always out of the house. Are you that busy?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Yup. The first semester just started."
"What's your program again?"
"Civil Engineering."
"Is that your dream or you're just pushed to take that?"
He frowned at me as if he was getting weirded out by my questions. But he still answers, "My Mom is an engineer when she was still here. I would always see her being passionate about what she's doing back then and it inspired me to become one. So I think that's the dream, Vivienne."
"Where's your Mom now? Is she an engineer abroad?"
Ang matingkad na ngiti sa labi niya kanina ay biglang napawi at napalitan ng lungkot. "She's gone."
"I'm sorry," I mumbled.
He looks sad now and I don't want it. I don't want people to feel sad especially when I'm the one who's making them feel like that.
"I should've not asked."
"It's fine."
"I know how it feels so it isn't fine, Liam. Losing a loved one isn't fine. We lost Kuya Hans four years ago and, until now, it's still hard for us to think that he's already gone."
"I could relate to that." He pressed his lips to a thin line. "But just because someone opened up to you doesn't mean you're gonna open up to them, too."
"You basically didn't open up to me because I asked for it. And I opened up because I feel what you're feeling, and I wanted you to know that you're not alone with that."
He once again flashed a smile as if what I said helped him a little. "How 'bout you? What's the course you're planning to take?"
I pouted. "Dad wanted me to take a business course because he wanted me to take the lead to our business when the time comes. But I wanted to pursue Architecture because that's my dream."
"Then follow your dream. Take the course you wanted because when choosing one, no one else opinion matters but yours."
"It's always easy said than done." I lifted a sad smile. "As if Dad will let me decide with that matter. I didn't even convince him to take a regular class this school year."
"Your father had some pretty strict views on what you ought to be doing, huh?"
He slightly shook his head.
"For months I've been here, especially when your parents were around, I would always see you as if you're controlling yourself to be properly tamed. But when they're not around, you're carefree and nonchalant."
"Really?"
"Yup. I always thought before that maybe you're really just like that but, as I observed it, there's really something wrong."
"Is it wrong to obey what my parents tell me to do?"
"No, until it leads to masking your true self and pretending to act just to please other people."
Later that night, I had dinner with Liam. The maids are also with us. We have fun talking while eating.
These are the instances where we could freely catch up with each other even if we are in front of the food. It's not bad to do that naman, right?
But for my parents, it's rude and being ill-mannered. Kaya naman sa tuwing nandito sila, pinipilit kong kumain nang tahimik at magsasalita lang kapag may itatanong sila.
Maybe Liam is right when he said that my parents, especially dad, had some pretty strict views on what I ought to be doing in my life.
Ever since I was a little, I'm trained to be delicate. I must always act like a prim and properly tamed because, they say, that's what a lady ought to do. I must always remain serene regardless of any aggravation.
And as an obedient daughter, I must follow and obey them at all costs. Especially that Kuya Hans, who I looked up to, also told me to do that.
I was happy in my life. I was contented with all I have because they always tell me how lucky I am compared to other people out there. But, now I realized how suffocating it feels.
I'm stuck in the same place, same stuff, and same people. Everything I do was a complete repetition and I'm tired of this set-up.
I'm alive, but I don't have a life.
I opened the sliding door of the terrace as the cool wind welcomed me. It dances my hair and the white peignoir I'm wearing. But despite the cold of the night, I went outside, barefooted.
The night is peaceful. I couldn't see anything but countless stars filling the raven black sky. The full moon was also there, dazzling its bright light.
Every night is always like this. I will go here on the terrace, always been wondering...
When will my life begin?