"I saw him."
I don't mean to say the words out loud. The last thing I was to talk about is what happened yesterday at the café. Though it seems my mind has other ideas, as I haven't been able to stop thinking about the encounter since it happened.
I thought I'd finally reached a point where I could stop thinking about Noah Reed. I was finally able to stop torturing myself over the past, to forget how much I had loved him and how much he had hurt me. That chapter of my life had closed, and I had started to write a new one.
Who would have thought that one fleeting moment of time that united my past and my present would reopen the chapter of my life I had previously closed, making me feel like maybe it isn't quite over after all?
"You saw who?" Jess asks from her side of the room, completely oblivious to what I'm talking about. I study my newly-blond friend as she stares down at the open manuscript in her lap, skimming over the lines she needs to memorize for her audition.
I wish I could take the words back and simply move on. If I'm being honest, I don't want to think about Noah. I don't want to think back on our past or the love we shared. I don't want to think about how bittersweet it was to fall for him or how strong our bond had been. I don't want to remember what it had been like to lose him, or how it felt to have him slowly become a stranger before my very eyes. I don't want to recall the feeling of looking him in the eyes and telling him he could either love me or lose me, and have him choose to lose me for good.
So why can't I stop thinking about what it had been like to see him again after all this time? Why can't I stop obsessing over how much he has changed, yet how much he still seems the same? Why doesn't my mind want to let go of the fact that three years has passed, yet in that moment Noah and I were definitely living in the past?
Maybe if I just talk about it and get everything off of my chest, then maybe I can finally stop thinking about him. What happened in the café can become nothing more than a run-in with an ex in my memory, and I can move on. Because that's what I deserve, right? To move on.
I guess that why I admit, "Noah."
This gets Jess's attention. "What?" she cries, jumping up from her bed and rushing over to me. "When? Where? How long ago? What happened? What did he say? What did you say? What did—"
"Jess!" I interrupt. "I can't answer you if you keep hurling questions at me!"
"Tell me everything!" Jess sputters. "I can't believe you didn't already tell me. Oh my God, are you okay?"
I inhale a sharp breath before nodding. "I'm fine," I tell Jess, semi-meaning the words. Other than the fact that I haven't been able to stop thinking about Noah since I ran into him, I suppose I am.
"So?" Jess prompts. "What happened?"
I don't even have to think as I tell her the story. I start by telling her about my date with Dylan/ Shamelessly, I admit that I'd been daydreaming about Noah, to which Jess raises her eyebrows. I slowly fall into a daze as I explain what it had been like to see Noah after all this time.
I can't help recalling small details about the encounter, such as his appearance. Thinking back on it, it's easy to see how different Noah is now that he's no longer a teenager. He's taller now. Noah always had a lean figure, but seeing him again had me noticing that he'd buffed out a little. If I'm being honest, I can't deny that he's just as (if not more than) attractive as ever. Looking into his midnight blue eyes had been like going back in time.
But then I had blinked, and remembered that the past I shared with Noah Reed has long since been over. The two of us did have some good times together, but we still crashed and burned in the end. Noah and I went up in smoke, the only remnants of us left behind in the form of memories. Seeing Noah again was like seeing a ghost, unsettling and fleeting.
Yet part of me refuses to let go of how seeing him again made me feel. For the briefest of moments, I'd felt like I was back in high school, locking eyes with the brooding boy across the courtyard. My heart had raced like it was going to burst. Butterflies had flapped around in the pit of my stomach. Under the heat of his gaze, I'd felt beautiful.
"Wow," Jess mutters, reminding me that I've trailed off. I blink and return to reality, glancing over at Jess curiously. "Did he talk to you?"
"Yeah," I admit. "Small talk, mostly. We caught up a little."
"You were with Dylan though," Jess says slowly. "I can only imagine how he took that . . ."
I purse my lips at the memory of Noah's reaction to Dylan's presence, wincing slightly. "I mean, I don't think Noah liked him too much. I guess that's expected though. Right?"
"Only if he still has feelings for you," Jess muses seriously.
"Noah doesn't have feelings for me," I scoff. "That's crazy. It's been three years, Jess. Besides, how can he still have feelings for me when he didn't even care about me enough to stay all those years ago?"
Jess is quiet for a moment, expression thoughtful. "I know this is the last thing you want to hear—and you don't have to believe me—but the fact that Noah left town doesn't necessarily mean that he didn't love you, Blake. If you really think about it, the situation could really mean the opposite."
I stare at Jess in bewilderment. I know she and Noah had been close when he and I were dating, but I also remember the hatred Jess had seemed to hold for Noah after everything went down. She'd been the one to pick me up off the ground and put me back together after Noah tore me apart.
"What?" is the only thing I'm able to say.
"Just think about it this way," Jess starts, "Noah's mother had just died. Noah always struggled with handling his emotions, and you know that. He was living with his dad who hadn't been a part of his life for years, was given a new stepmom, and just learned he was going to have a new sibling. And then his mom died. That's a lot to have to handle at once. He was drowning, Blake, and he knew it. Noah thought he might self-destruct, and he didn't want you to become collateral damage. So maybe Noah didn't leave because he didn't love you enough, but because he loved you more than anything and felt he wasn't good enough for you."
My mind reels at Jess's words. I absorb them, and they linger in my mind. If I'm being honest, a part of me—a small, hopeful part—wants to believe her.
But does Noah's intentions behind him leaving change the fact that he still left? Does the possibility that he may still love me make up for the three years of silence I received from him? Does it fix the heartbreak I had to go through, make up for the tears I shed for him, heal the pain I felt for loving someone I couldn't have?
The answer? No. It doesn't.
"It doesn't matter," I mumble gruffly. "Nothing changes, Jess. Noah still left. He still hurt me. The past is the past."
"Of course," Jess is quick to say. "I'm not trying to say you should forgive Noah. I'm just saying that there are two sides to every story. I want you to know that it's okay to move on, Blake. It's okay to be happy and see other people and leave the past in the past. You don't owe Noah anything. It's okay to just let go."
I nod, pursing my lips. I don't meet Jess's gaze as she squeezes my shoulder comfortingly before rising from the bed and walking to the door, muttering something about being back in a little while.
Sitting in silence, I find myself replaying Jess's words in my head. It's okay to just let go. Staring at my own reflection in the mirror that hangs on the wall across from me, I can't help thinking: What if I don't want to?
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a/n: remember me by dove cameron is a tune and i can't stop listening to it