AN; Wow! This is the fastest I've written a chapter in awhile. It's been a full day of writing and revising, forgive any mistakes, I am super tired and when I get the chance, I'll give it a third proofread. So... two chapters left. The end is in sight now.
A week of summer storms came, keeping us indoors in a basic motel at the edge of that coastal town, off of a main road. We kept the curtains drawn back and the windows closed, watching the rain beat down in sheets of blurred silver and grey. I tried to paint again, but I often got frustrated with it. Mio slept a lot. She was so tired, and that exhaustion seemed to rub off on me too. Her tiredness stressed that running away from your problems didn't get rid of them.
Oh, how my life had changed. There were many things I'd stopped needing to do; I stopped needing to wake up early in the mornings, I stopped needing to allocate laundry days, I stopped needing to masturbate, to study, to make coffee. In fact, I had not had coffee in days. And despite being there for two nights, we hadn't done much unpacking. Our suitcases were still sitting against the wall by the bed, half unzipped, clothes spewing from the side of mine where I'd messily pulled from it.
The covers were not as rough as the hotel room before, and we spent most of our hours on the bed, reading or talking or sleeping. Her favourite position was to lie with her head in my lap whilst I read, dozing or rubbing my hip. I always thought she looked so tiny like that, so tired, like she was withering into herself and close to giving up, clinging on. I wanted to keep her afloat, like she said I could. I was afraid of her worries overtaking her, but for the most part, she was calm with me.
The floor was often scattered with socks and bras and the day's clothes, the room was often hot, our breath often came shallowly and struggled. But even in those moments, she was tired. And then it was calmness, pink blush and warm skin. I held her, then woke up with her holding me. I was preparing to miss her a great deal. Not that I thought she was going anywhere, but I knew when classes started at college, we wouldn't see each other as much as we were then. But I held the idea that one day I could just run home to her. One day. And it wouldn't be a shitty motel, or a lifeless hotel room, it would be our home; a house with pieces of us, decorated however we pleased.
But newly, we'd started expressing our love in the evenings. I would roll over to turn out the lights and roll back over to the sound of, "I love you." We'd progressed from needing, though I was sure she still did need me then, she mumbled it occasionally whilst I read or before my head bowed between her spread legs. Even sweeter, I sometimes heard "I'm so in love with you." The honesty of that statement was winding and always left me slightly wordless for a few moments.
One night was rainier than the rest. Earlier in the day there had been thunder and flashes of startling white lightning that made the dull room bright for split seconds at a time. We had sat on the edge of the bed and watched that, counting the beats of quiet between the lightning and thunder, learning how far away the storm really was until it was too close to measure. But lying in bed hours after that, the thunderstorm had passed, leaving only the heavy rain and the lulling patter of it against the windows. It was sending me to sleep. Mio was curled into the crook of my body, head pushed against my chest, legs entwined with my own. My fingers were absently brushing at her hair, smoothing it around the shell of her ear, feeling how soft the skin was there. She was falling asleep against me; I could feel her hand becoming limp on my waist. But I was giving it time as we hadn't exchanged our nightly 'I love you's yet.
Through the slit in the curtains, I saw two sets of headlights filter into the room. The motel was right off a main road that continued on down towards the highway - each night we'd stayed there, we'd been roused from sleep by road noises. But Mio didn't stir, most likely used to it. The flash of light was just a reminder that I hadn't drawn the curtains close enough after watching the thunderstorm.
I continued stroking her hair, leaning my mouth against her hairline. Her hair smelt like hotel shampoo, it was cheap and waxy, but beneath it, her scent was floral, like it was her natural body odour. I inhaled it. I kissed her forehead, very gently, then closed my eyes, and let my body relax.
Outside, a car door opened. I heard it sharply, even over the heavy drumming of rain. Then a yell broke out through the silence,
"Mio!"
I had become tense all too quickly, a skeleton lying rigidly in bed. Mio had shot up, ears pricked and eyes wide. It was a man's voice, gruff and angry; it was his.
"They're here. He's here," she whispered, eyes flicking between the window and my face – they were glossy and bright where the slit in the curtain has exposed her to the light.
I jumped out of bed, heart swelling and rising in my chest. It was getting hard to breathe as my heart beat into my throat. I hooked my fingers into the curtain opening, tugging it back slightly, just so I could see out into the parking lot. Mr. Reed's car was parked two spaces away from our apartment, engine rumbling, driver's door hanging wide open, headlights highlighting the rainfall. He was still yelling, but he was standing back from us, looking up at the floor above ours. Behind, was my dad's truck. That shocked me. It kept me from moving for a minute. With the sharp shine of his headlights and the pelting rain, I couldn't see his face, only his dark outline in the driver's seat. He'd come to get me. To take me back. I felt bile rise in my throat and I swallowed harshly. Mr. Reed's yelling was closer, and I realised then, he was looking at me. My anxiety spiked. I yanked the curtains shut, breathing hard.
I had to be calm, for Mio, who had come to my side, hands trembling and eyes still bright. So, I soothed my breaths shakily and faced her. She immediately threw herself on me, arms closing around me and squeezing, heart almost bursting through her chest with its frantic pulsing. I stroked her back. Her tears were hot on the skin of my neck, running down under my bed shirt.
The shouting was right outside our door then.
"—Open this door, Mio!"
I could hear her trying to calm herself beside my ear, and after a few moments, she seemed to compose herself and pulled back from our embrace. She looked distraught. I'd never seen her look so tiny and vulnerable, so child-like. She was trembling, her eyes were glossed over and weeping each time she blinked, her bottom lip shook with every breath. I kept my hands on her, not wanting to let go. But I didn't have a plan for what we would do next - was there even anything we could do?
Mio brought her mouth close to mine, lips touching mine but not kissing. She whispered, "I think this is it."
I was swallowing my own tears, eyes squinted shut, hoping she would just kiss me, and kiss me well, distract me for a minute. "I think so," I said in a thin voice. She did kiss me. Very gently, and kept her lips pressed against mine for a few seconds, lingering and dragging, hands on my face, thumbs stroking. I could taste salt on her mouth.
"I'll knock this door down! Open up! Open it right now!" Mr. Reed's voice parted our mouths.
"Shall I come and find you once we're back?" I asked softly.
Slowly, she shook her head, the word 'no' forming and dying wordlessly on her lips. I don't think she could say it. But despite the twanging of guttural pain within me at her response, I understood. I think I was crying a little bit, but still, I nodded soundly. I knew I couldn't come and find her, not after this.
The door started banging, violently. Mio jumped, hands flying off of my face. She was chewing her bottom lip anxiously, but she still reached for the door handle and twisted it. It swung open aggressively and Mr. Reed appeared in the doorway, chest heaving, greying hair ruffled, shirt damp and unbuttoned to his sternum. His eyes were wild, and they couldn't focus on either of us. But he turned to Mio first,
"I have driven across the state and beyond for you. Are you fucking kidding me!" His voice was a loud hiss. "Get your shit and get in the car!"
My mouth was moving before I could register my words: "No one forced you to drive out here."
His stare was then directed at me and it bore into me. "This is my wife, of course I had to drive out here. In case you forgot, she has a fucking daughter and a family. She can't just run away; she doesn't have that option."
"She's a grown woman, she can do what she likes," I snapped. Mio cringed, still shaking, eyes still wet.
In the next moment, he'd snatched the neck of my shirt up into his large fist, yanking the material and creasing it. Mio yelled at him to let go, but his grip didn't loosen. His eyes were full of rage, staring down into the depths of me. He hated me.
"Listen to me," he growled, "I'm being cheated on by my wife with a fucking girl over half my age. I've had to deal with complete humiliation, by the entire fucking town! You know, I hope when you get back, they go on a witch hunt and they humiliate you too. I hope they ruin your shit life. So, give me a break and don't fucking run your mouth to me. I don't care what you mean to Mio, I don't, I'll bust your fucking face in. Now, your dad is outside, and he is not a happy man, so I suggest you pack your shit and run along, before I send you to him a bloody mess. I can handle a lawsuit, Norah, I hope you know that."
Mio was crying again, really sobbing. The sight broke me. I could no longer feel my anger rising in me, the anger that had provoked me to retaliate, that had provoked me to want to strike him. All I wanted was her safety, and her happiness, it was all I'd ever wanted, but she was crying in her nightgown, standing in a shitty motel room whilst her husband was threatening me. That was not happiness. And I knew she wouldn't be happy if she went back. She was not in love with him, he didn't really care about her, only his reputation and his desire to control her. But I couldn't go and find her. She wouldn't let me go and find her, even when we were back. I wanted to go and save her there, but I couldn't.
I said nothing. He let go of my shirt. He grumbled at Mio to leave and she trudged out of the apartment, barefoot, sniffing. I shoved my clothes into my suitcase, took my book and my phone off of the bedside table and passed Mr. Reed at the door.
Nothing felt like it was really happening. I thought a few times that I was delusional, or that I was living through a particularly realistic nightmare. But the rain on my face and shirt was cold and sobering, as was the sting of my eyes as I tried to focus on my dad's face through the shine of his headlights.
There was a face staring at me, from the backseat of Mr. Reed's car. It was Jackie, looking pale and blank, like a ghostly figment of my mind's overactivity. She was looking right at me, but her face was void of any kind of emotion. I couldn't smile, I couldn't wave, so I just passed her like I hadn't known her in the first place. Like we were strangers.
My dad's face became more obvious as I neared the truck, his features looked soft and anxious. Still, I slid onto the backseat instead of the front, lugging my suitcase across the seats. He didn't say anything to me, just sighed, and started to drive away, moving towards the highway, back towards Twin. I didn't look back at Mr. Reed's car, or for Mio, or the motel. My heart was already aching plenty, swirling like a black hole in my chest that was hollowing me out. I was withering. I would be nothing by the time we got back to Twin
Half an hour passed before my dad said anything. I assumed he was just being passive, being awkward, not knowing how to respond to the situation. But I was wrong.
"I never would've expected something like this from you," he said very abruptly. "I'm disgusted."
"Can we talk when we get back? I'm exhausted."
"You're exhausted? I've been worrying for days on end about my missing daughter that no one would take seriously because of your age! What do you want me to say to you, Norah? Something nice? Something comforting? Because I can't. I can't hide how appalled I am." He was gripping the steering wheel. "Why would you do something like this?"
I said nothing. With each second that passed, I felt lonelier and lonelier in the world. I was shrinking down into a spec of myself, submerging down under the earth, every sound muffling around me. I think it was a result of my heart really breaking, I think I felt it. It was a stinging tear under my ribs that made my chest burn and my eyes prick with tears. It felt like an anxiety attack, like I was on the tipping point of pure panic. I couldn't hear anything my dad was saying, it was all vibrations and muffled sound. All my ears were filled with was my ragged breaths and my blood rushing and flowing under my skin.
My dad's voice pierced through. "Are you even listening? I'm telling you embarrassed of you I am! Norah! You're being awful to me, you know? You're nothing like my daughter anymore. Norah!"
I was gasping, clawing at the window, pushing my fingers clumsily into the button on the armrest. I realised then it wasn't Mio's car and I sobbed. It was a rotating window-opener. I reached for it and tugged it around, tears streaking my face, my nose running, chest heaving.
"Norah? Norah, what's wrong? Norah!" My dad called worriedly, glancing over his shoulder, trying to simultaneously keep his eyes on the road. His anger had dissolved, and anxiety had overtaken his face.
I couldn't go back to Twin; I couldn't be without her - who would I even be anymore? I had nothing anymore. I still had more to learn. I was begging at the universe, praying. I hadn't even realised that my dad had stopped the car and was shaking at my shoulders. My vision was blurring. I couldn't even tell what was happening to me anymore, but my body was denying my defeat.
-
I was still taken back to Twin. My summer continued back there, in my sweaty house, in my lonely room, in my empty bed. My dad left food and water outside of my bedroom on a tray like I was a prisoner. He wasn't talking to me. I think he didn't know what to say, or that he was worried I would freak out again. But I was past that section of my heartbreak, I was just limp and exhausted. I lived on water, and overslept. I missed her voice and her face, her lips and teeth and eyes, her sensibility and her touch. I always slept melancholy without her. I'd come to be so used to sleeping with her curled into me or hugging me. I was hollow without the contact. My pillow or my duvet rolled up tightly wasn't the same, it was cold and lifeless. Her body blushed and warmed, it breathed and pulsed and fluttered. Her mouth was hot, her breath was gentle.
I wanted to hear her. But I was obedient to her wishes; I didn't go and find her. At one desperate point, I tried to call her, hoping she hadn't forgotten her phone at the motel. But the number had been disconnected completely. I was left with just the beeping tone of nothing. Then silence. Slowly, my ties to her were being severed. Soon there would be nothing left to hold us together. I didn't have a clue how her summer was progressing, how she was, if she missed me, if she'd tried to contact me. It was radio silence.
And Mr. Reed had been right. Everybody knew. I got funny looks in the shop or when I went out to clear my head - which was only in the first week, after that I stayed inside as to avoid it all. I even saw a picture of myself on a missing sign, sweeping down the street on the wind. But I had seen none for Mio. But really that was no surprise. We were both women, adults, no wonder our disappearance was overlooked, but it was our return that sparked interest. No doubt, people had gotten together and connected the dots. And strangely, the first thing I thought was, I wonder if Giana knows? I wasn't going to contact her, or seek her out, but I just wondered. She too would become, like Jackie and the rest of Twin, someone I would never see again.
Because once September came, I left for Canada.
Afternote: New favourite line, "should I come and find you once we're back?" Ouch, even for me. Two chapters left...