Me using Katsuki to describe/explain my panic/anxiety attacks 😀
Warnings: Kinda major(?) panic attack, bad mental state(?), self esteem problems
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Bakugo POV
My group and I were planning on going to someone's birthday party this weekend. I didn't know them too well but the others did and they wanted me to come. It would last all night and you better believe I was outwardly stoked and thrilled to go. I was looking forward to going out with my friends and just have fun.
But inwardly, I was panicking about everything. What do I wear? What if I wear the wrong thing and people stare and judge me? What if I overdress and I'm out of place? What kind of nice loose clothing do I have?
I can't make myself wear tight or even snug clothing. I'm too fat for that. I can't let people see my figure. It's fucking disgusting. Once I get home I need to find loose clothing that fits the dress code.
What if I have a panic attack while I'm there cause of all the people? What if people see me and find out that I'm actually weak and broken? I'm supposed to be the strong friend who isn't afraid to do anything, the one who is always a risk taker and has no actual life problems.
How am I supposed to be that friend when I'm always in a constant battle with my mind? How am I supposed to be that friend who supports everyone when I can't even support myself?
Why do I have to act like this? Why can't I be fucking normal for once? Why do I have to be such a god damn nuisance!
Why did I agree to go out with my friends? They'd have more fun without me. I should just not go.
"Hey Bakugo, you're gonna come to the party with all of us, right?" Kirishima asked nudging my shoulder. I flinched back a bit, not wanting to be touched.
"Oh uh, yeah. Of course I'm fucking going. I just need to find the right clothes." I responded, trying to regain the confidence that I had lost in the beginning of my sentence.
"Oh, okay! I can help you out if you want?" Kirishima said, I just nodded as he was already turning his head back to everyone else.
He doesn't want to actually talk to me. He's just taking pity on me. They don't actually care about me. They just feel bad about how lonely I would be if I didn't have them. None of my friends really care for me. They wouldn't care if I just randomly disappeared or died, right?
No! I can't think like that! They would care, right?
I can't do that. I just can't. I want to, but then even when I'm at peace, they'll be left behind to grieve. Would they even grieve if I left them?
My family would be devastated. Sure, they've never noticed how much I'm actually in pain and want to end it all, but they're still my parents. They love and take care about me.
What if they don't actually love me? What if they're only taking care of me cause I'm their son? What if they never actually wanted me? What if they all actually hate me?
So many 'what if's' that might not even be true, but my mind keeps running and I have no way of stopping it. It continues throughout the rest of the school day, my mind is hazy and I don't even remember any of the conversations I had.
I was trapped in my mind with no visible escape route. I mindlessly walked home, thinking of all the negative outcomes that could happen from going out in public to that party.
Why I agreed, I don't know anymore. If I were to back out I would be endlessly questioned, and I don't think I could handle that. I got home and I didn't realize that I had already walked into my house until I was greeted by the old hag.
"Welcome home brat! How was school?" She shouted from the kitchen.
"Fuckin' fine. I'm going to a party this weekend." I shouted, making my way up the stairs, the old hag's yelling only a ringing in my ears.
I opened my door and tossed my bag onto my bed. I immediately started searching for casual loose clothing I could wear. I found a loose shirt that fit the color theme. I tried it on and I felt kind of comfortable in it. I could always put a hoodie over it anyways.
I was trying and failing to find a loose pair of pants, and when I couldn't I started freaking out again.
I need to find loose pants. I don't wanna wear tight pants. I don't want people staring at my big thighs or fat calfs. I don't want people watching me as I walk by them. I don't want to stand out. I just want to stay invisible by the side lines. I need to find loose pants.
I went back to searching and slightly panicking when I still couldn't find a loose pair of pants.
"Katsuki! You have a friend here! I'm sending him up!" The old hag shouted.
My breathing quickened as I tried calming myself down, which was ironic since that wouldn't seem to work. I wiped the sweat off of my forehead and decided to play it off like I just finished working out. I sat down on the floor and started using my shirt as a fan, getting gusts of wind down my chest and on my neck.
"Hey Blasty! I'm here to help!" Kirishima yelled as he bursted through the door. I rolled my eyes and went back to searching.
He kept offering me outfits that would show off my shape, saying that I had a nice hourglass figure.
Yeah right. I look like a fucking cow.
I kept denying them until he held up a tight shirt and loose pants. I took them both but threw the shirt to the side. I kicked Kirishima out and tried on the loose shirt I had from before and the newly found loose pants.
I didn't look great, but then again when did I ever? It was good enough to pass as casual clothing and it fit with the color theme. I changed out of those and into pajamas.
I forgot Kirishima was outside until he knocked on my door asking if he could come in. I yelled back that he could just go home and that I didn't need his help anymore, and once I did there was no more noise outside of my door.
He doesn't really care. My mom probably asked him to check on me. He would've left without asking otherwise.
I laid down onto my bed and kicked my bag off as I let myself drift out of consciousness.
~morning~
I woke around 7:30 and decided to get up for the day. It was the day of the party and I was nervous as fuck. I was debating whether I should back out last second, but I already told my friends I was going.
I was thinking of backing out when something in the back of my head urged me to go. I didn't want to listen to it, cause I knew something bad would happen. Something bad always happens when I go out in public.
I got ready for the party slowly but surely and dragged myself to Kirishima's house so we could walk together.
~at the party~
The Bakusquad and I were all sitting at a big round table. There were so many fucking people here and I started messing with my fingers underneath the table. Everyone at the table was talking and laughing with each other, taking the occasional picture or video with each other. I was the only one staying quiet, but no one seemed to notice. I didn't either, since I was in a war against my mind.
There's too many people here. I need to leave. But I have no way to get home. The old hag told me she'll pick me up at midnight and it's not even 8:00 yet. What the fuck am I supposed to do? How the hell am I gonna get through this? I don't wanna be here anymore. I wanna go home.
I started bouncing my leg rapidly, gaining the attention of everyone at the table.
"Hey Bakugo, you good?" Sero questioned, resting his hand on my shoulder.
I was dozing off, not realizing I was being talked to until I was starting to be shaken. My eyes snapped over to the person shaking me, and I pushed his hands off of me.
"I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Go back to whatever you were doing." I said trying to dismiss the situation.
It seemed to work cause they all went back to talking and cheering. It was nice to see they were all having a good time. I wish I could be normal like that.
My mind started to wander again as my leg was bouncing more. I started to feel like I was being closed in on. There was plenty of space to move around, but I felt like I was in a box that was too small for me to fit in, and it just kept shrinking.
I started to sweat as it was getting harder and harder to breathe. I picked at the skin around my nails harder to try and calm myself down, but it wasn't working. As I kept picking at my fingers my hands started to shake. I hid my hands under the table though so no one would see my trembling hands.
My head started to pound and I felt nauseous as my world started spinning out of control. My ears started to ring and my sight became foggy. The sounds around me started dulling out until all that was heard was a loud ringing and very faint murmurs of people. I started holding myself as I was rocking back and forth.
"Hey. Bakugo? Are you sure you're alright?" Kaminari asked, looking at me intently. The others started staring at me, making me feel uncomfortable and anxious.
"I-I told you already, I'm fine. Just, just give me a moment." I spoke shakily, voice cracking a couple times.
I stood up and shakily walked towards the exit, holding myself tightly as I was afraid if I let go I would fall apart.
I got to the door and pushed it open, and once it opened I stumbled out of the building, slamming the door behind me and leaning back against it for support. I slid down it and moved away from it, just in case some random person decided to leave and burst the door open.
I covered my ears with my hands to try and quiet down the ringing, but it wouldn't leave my head. My breathing was slowly starting to pick up more, my lungs hurting from the sudden lack of oxygen they were receiving due to the quickness I was breathing.
I brought my knees up to my chest and held them close to me, afraid of letting go. I started to rock back and forth as I moved one hand to clench the fabric over my heart.
I screwed my eyes shut and pulled at the fabric, wanting to pull all the pain out and get rid of it forever.
I started to shake my head as tears started flowing down my face. I let go of my shirt and I was suddenly filled with anger. I turned to the wall behind me and side punched it, calming down but leaving the side of my hand hurting.
It hurt my hand but it calmed me down a bit, so I did it one more time before turning back to face the parking lot.
Even with punching the wall I still was in major panic mode. The world started to tremble in front of me as my sight became blurry with tears. The ringing started to get louder and I start to feel the world closing in on me. The corners of my eyes start going black as I feel my consciousness leaving me.
The fading stops when I feel a hand being placed on me.
"Hey. Hey Katsuki? It Kirishima. Are you alright? What's wrong?" I flinched back hard and slapped his hand away roughly.
"Don't fucking touch me! Don't touch me. I don't wanna be touched. Please don't touch me" I kept repeating as I slowly backed away from him.
He put his hands up in surrender and looked at me nervously.
"How can I help?" He asked. I shook my head and looked up at him.
"I-I don't know. Do, do you have anything I-I could punch? I punched the wall, bu-but I'm pretty sure I messed up my- up my hand" He gave me a sad smile and walked back inside.
He doesn't care. He's leaving me to deal with it myself. I started to breathe heavily as I thought about how he doesn't really care. He just wanted to pretend to care so it would seem like he's a good friend. He's gonna go in there and laugh to the others about how weak I am.
I wrapped my arms around my knees again as I pulled them impossibly close to me. I was trembling and I couldn't move a muscle. I felt paralyzed. I was stuck in a moment that I wanted to end, but it seemed to last forever.
I could only move my eyes and they were darting back and forth, trying to find something—anything— to focus on. My eyes landed on the door that was starting to open. I saw a fuzzy Kirishima walk towards me holding something out to me.
"It's a big book. It won't break if you punch it, and it shouldn't hurt as much as the wall" He spoke softly and calmly, it helped slow my breathing down a bit.
Without a second thought I yanked the book out of his hands and started pounding it to the ground. My knuckles stung but it was definitely helping.
I started to cry more as my breathing slowly leveled out. I was trembling in place as I was now weakly punching at the book.
I punched it weakly one more time before resting my head on top of the book and helplessly looked up at Kirishima.
He looked at me with sad eyes as he squatted down next to me.
"Is it okay if I touch you?" He asked. I didn't reply as I thought deeply about if I wanted any kind of human contact. He nodded and looked away.
"That's fine. It's okay to say no. I won't force you. Are you feeling better?" He asked. I couldn't find the strength in me to use my voice, so I shakily nodded.
"What happened? What happened to make this happen to you?" He asked again. Unfortunately this couldn't be answered by a simple shake or nod of the head.
"Too, too many people. I fuc-fucking hate social places. It's fine to touch me I guess" I said as I lifted my head from the book.
Kirishima nodded and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close and rubbing my shoulder blade. It gave me goosebumps and I let out a deep sigh.
"Thank you. Can you bring me home? I don't wanna go back in there again. You don't have to if you don't want to. I can go home by myself if you don't wanna go with me." I said quickly as I started to stand up.
My knees felt weak and I leaned against the wall. Kirishima caught me before I fell to the ground again. Kirishima wrapped my arm over his shoulder and held me up by my waist. We started walking out of the parking lot as he made small talk with me.
"Of course I'll walk you home Katsuki. I wouldn't wanna go back in there knowing you're walking home alone calming down from a panic attack." He said smoothly and calmly.
We reached my house in about ten minutes, and when he rang the doorbell I tried to get off of him.
"Are you sure you can stand?" He questioned, looking at me carefully.
"I'll be fine. The old hag will think I went there and got stoned." I said as he let go of me, my knees wobbling again.
I held my arms out to balance myself, I could feel my legs start to tingle as I leaned back onto Kirishima.
"Yeah never mind. I can't feel my fucking legs. If I fall it's your fault." I said as he held onto me again.
He nodded as the door started to open.
"The hell happened to you Katsuki? Are you stoned or drunk. Which one is it?" She said immediately. I rolled my eyes and whispered to Kirishima to go inside.
"I don't wanna talk about it. Shitty Hair, take me to my room. I wanna take a nap." I said as he easily made his way through my house.
We got to my room and he sat me down on the bed, holding my shoulder as I sat there. He plopped down in my bean bag chair, letting out a breath as he landed.
"Is it cool if I stay?" He asked as he got comfortable.
"Well you're already fuckin makin' yourself at home. So do I have much of a choice?" I asked.
"Nope!" He said as he crossed his legs.
"Yeah whatever. Just keep it down. I'm going to sleep." I said as I laid down and faced the wall.
I started to doze off and closed my eyes until I felt a dip in the bed. When I turned my head I saw Kirishima starting to lay beside me.
"The fuck are you doing?" I questioned, staring at him but not making him stop.
"Oh! I um, I thought it would help you sleep if you had someone with you after an episode like that. If you don't want me on the bed I can get up." He said as he started getting up.
I grabbed his arm and pulled him back to the bed. I saw his eyes widen but he relaxed in the bed when I hugged his torso and wrapped my leg around both of his.
"Stay." I spoke quietly as I nuzzled my face into his chest.
I could hear and feel him chuckle as he started petting the top of my head.
"Good night Katsuki." He spoke as he gently rubbed my head.
"G'night Ei." I said as I closed my eyes.
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Teehee. Most of this is true, except the whole, having someone there to help calm me down. But oh well, you get used to being alone 🤷🏼♀️
Heehee
Word count: 3,160
~Bebe17