I carefully pull up to the school building, parking as far away from the main doors as possible so as to maintain a low profile. I'm worried that, if people find out that this is my car, they'll key it or something. It's really my dad's car, so unless I want to spend the rest of my life paying it off, I need to take really good care of it.
I'm wearing a simple pair of jeans and a casual t-shirt. I wanted to just look like one of the guys so as not to embarrass Sean, but now I'm regretting not bringing a jacket. Who knew Ohio in September could get cold?
Walking up to the door to the gym, I take a minute to appreciate my surroundings. It's not often that I'm able to leave the house for anything other than school. I basically had to pledge my soul to the Devil himself in order for my Dad to let me out of the house tonight. It's just nice to enjoy being a teenager and not needing to constantly be on your best behavior.
Although, now that I think about it, I've kind of been getting that feeling when I'm at Sean's. Sure, hanging out at home with Beth is great, but my Dad's still there, making sure I don't lose my virginity in his house or something.
Hah, imagine my gay self losing my virginity to the very lesbian and very in-a-relationship Elizabeth. Yeah, when pigs fly.
When I'm a Sean's house, though, I just feel free. I can be myself. I don't have to worry about some snooty 40-year-old man barging in and yelling at me for trying to "turn" his son. Instead, I get to talk about stupid people and stupid high school trends with Sean. I said that choir has always been my favorite part of the day, and while it still is, there's almost nothing I look forward to more than those 2-3 hours I get to spend with Sean.
I walk up to the ticket booth in front of the doors. I say booth, but it's really just a pizza-faced freshman sitting at a table with a moneybox.
"Tickets, please." The small boy says in a voice that tells me he'd rather be literally anywhere else.
"Uh, I believe you have my ticket reserved? It should be under Jackson?"
Cursing me under his breath, the kid opens the moneybox and fumbles around with it for a second before pulling out a single ticket.
"Yeah, here we are. One plus one reserved under Sean Jackson." He takes out a hole puncher and snips the ticket before returning it to the box. "You've been a shit ton of credit for the snack bar, as well. No limit. Lucky bitch..." He mumbles the last part under his breath.
I fight the urge to blush.
Why would Sean do something so nice for me? This ticket was DEFINITELY for someone else. Maybe a girlfriend?
I thank Pizzaface and head into the school. Surrounding me are a bunch of parents and students standing in the lobby right before the gym. I stop at the snack counter to pick up a bottle of water and a bag of Hot Cheetos. I mean, it's free so why not?
Stepping into the gym, I'm immediately reminded why this is the first basketball game I've attended since arriving at this school. Testosterone permeates the air, the smell of sweat and raging hormones smacking me in the face as soon as I enter. It's extremely loud as every sound imaginable seems to be competing to see who can be loudest. At least 200 people, mostly teenagers, shout their every word as they try to hold private conversations. The referees are testing out the buzzers before the game, meaning the blaring sound goes off every couple of seconds. The sound of the players' shoes squeaking against the wood is constant and very annoying. Already, I'm nervous.
Do I sit up top so I can use the wall as back support? Do I sit at the bottom so I can leave quickly? Do I want to blend into the crowd or do I want Sean to see me?
I end up sitting in the third row from the bottom, right along the aisle. This way, I can get out if I need to, and Sean would be able to see me if he wanted to. After all, I don't want him to think I bailed on his stupidly kind invitation to see him play basketball.
Speaking of Sean, I crane my neck so I can scan the practicing players for my boy. Er... THE boy. I see him passing the ball back and forth with Benjamin. They're not really practicing so much as just talking while throwing a ball.
Sean looks so yummy. His uniform shows off a lot of his body. Frankly, it showed off so much of his body it made me uncomfortable. I could see his delicious muscles popping out as he threw and caught the ball, giving me tingles in my stomach. As if he heard my thoughts, Sean starts scanning over the crowd, presumably looking for me. Upon making eye contact with me, he gives me a big wave and a smile so warm it probably melted the ice caps.
A few minutes later, the game started for real. If I thought Sean looked yummy BEFORE... Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, please forgive me for my impure thoughts. Sean running across the court was probably the most delicious thing I've seen in my entire life. His muscles strained against his every movement and sweat poured down his body. His intense focus on the game gave him a look that sent those dirty tingles throughout my body. Pretty soon, I had to focus on just the scoreboard as my jeans were getting far too tight.
Now I REALLY wish I had brought a jacket...
It was sheer torture. Every time I thought I had myself under control and I looked back at the game, those same tingles would try to ruin my life. when halftime finally came around, I booked it out of that room and into the fresh evening air.
Oh, Gosh, I'm such a monster. What kind of horrible, dirty human would behave like that? REACT like that?
I felt dirty for staring at Sean. I felt the sins crawling on my back. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die.
My reaction to Sean's body was despicable. My father explained to me long ago that such feelings toward someone who was not your spouse were a one-way ticket to Heck. I know I'm already on a fast-track to Heck due to the whole "gay" thing, but I've always thought that if I remained pure in all other ways He might be able to forgive me. Now, those hopes are ruined.
Should I just go home? No, Dad would ask too many questions about why I'm home so early. I can't really go back to the game, can I? I don't want to go back in for fear that I have similar... urges.
But Sean... he'd be so disappointed. He was so nice to invite me tonight. Of course, he hadn't known I was going to be eyeing him like a piece of meat, but still. He'd seen me already. He knows I came tonight. What would he think if he looked into the crowd later in the night and I wasn't there?
I sigh under my breath. Despite how uncomfortable this decision is, I know I've gotta go back inside. For Sean.
I'm about to turn around to go back inside when I feel a hand wrap around the back of my throat.
"Well, look what we have here?"
Gosh-darnit. It's Geoff.
Ape-man drags me around the side of the building and pins me to the wall. He's still in his uniform, sweat dripping off of him. Unlike with Sean, the look on him just repulses me.
"I'm just trying to enjoy the first game of the damn season with a quick little smoke break, and who do I find but the F*g himself?" He says as he lands a rough punch into my gut, efficiently knocking the wind outta me.
He shifts his hand around my neck so it effectively presses against my trachea. With just a small push, he sets off the reptile part of my brain. The part that fears that this Ape is going to cut off my air supply.
Because of this, I start to struggle against his grasp.
Because of this, I get a kick to my balls.
"Stop struggling, F*g. I've gotta make this quick."
Before I can even comprehend what he just said, Ape-man starts throwing punches. To my face, torso, arms, anywhere remotely within reach. When my knees start to buckle, he lets me fall to the floor. Instead of just leaving me there so he can return to his stupid game, he continues to beat me into the concrete.
After what seems like a year, long after I lost the ability to see due to the blood running down my face, Geoff stops. He leans down to whisper into my ear, garlic breath assaulting my nose.
"That's what you get for being a fucking pervert. Don't think I don't know why you're here. You wanted to watch our asses as we fucking played. You fucking F*g, you're just here to eye-rape me and my team. Next time I catch you eyeing me, you won't live to see another day."
After spitting on my face as one final measure, Ape-man stomps his way back into the school.
So,
I lay there.
I lay there as I bleed out onto the concrete of the school building.
I lay there under the stars that, not even a few hours ago, I was admiring for their beauty.
Stars are all the same if you really think about it. Sure, some may shine brighter while others are dim. Some may appear gigantic while others are nearly invisible. They all look different superficially but, at the end of the day, they're all stars.
I'm not a star.
I'm the moon.
I'm the one piece that doesn't fit.
Among a sea of shining balls of light, I am a dull amalgamation of grey.
You wouldn't notice me if I was gone. I mean, when was the last time you realized that there was a New Moon outside? When did you last look at the sky, consciously aware that the moon was not in its place?
Now, imagine if there was no sun. You'd notice if the sun didn't rise. The world would go dark in an instant, plants would die, oceans would freeze. You can't live without the sun.
If I'm the moon, Sean is the sun.
Everyone would miss Sean if he left. The whole school, his friends, his family, his future wife.
Who'd miss me?
Not my father. He'd hardly notice I was gone. Not Jackie. She's only friends with me out of obligation. We'd never have grown close if it wasn't for her proximity to Beth. Beth might be the only one to miss me, but still not really. She has Jackie. She doesn't need me.
No one does.