An; My apologies if my exhaustion can be felt in this chapter, hope it isn't dull...
For about two days, friendship with Jackie felt weirdly awkward. Nothing like it ever had. We'd never been awkward. We'd always been close and attached at the hip like conjoined twins. But both of us seemed slightly strained, obviously still remembering what had happened. I knew she hadn't forgotten but she hadn't mentioned it again. There hadn't really been an opportunity to, and I wanted to keep it that way. I wasn't prepared to slip up in front of her again. I need time, and lots of it. To think and to plan, to prepare myself really, find a way to protect Mio if it did get out. But I was so lost. Thinking of it, even only for a minute, gave me an intense nausea that lasted for hours. So I put it off for as long as I could. As long as that would be.
But after those two days, her mind seemed to reset. Almost too easily, we were normal again. She came bounding up to me the next morning, slinging her arms around my neck, joking and being as regular as Jackie could be. I wasn't going to say otherwise, so I also started to act as I normally would. Perhaps it felt false from me, but I could sense no sign of her just acting to bury the upset.
Her birthday came and went smoothly. We ate together in a restaurant outside of town when the weather was good, and she was thrilled with the last minute gift I got for her. Luckily, I'd already had something stashed away for her birthday, so it wasn't too much trouble to get something ready the night before.
For a bit, things seemed far too normal. I'd become used to the unrest, and the anxiety, and I'd come to accept that I wouldn't be able to be normal anymore. Mio and I both. She'd even said herself. But I didn't see her for a few days either. With Jackie and I's friendship fixed, I could no longer bunk off of school with a good reason, and I didn't have much reason to go over to hers.
I started to miss Mio, despite it only being a few days or so. I wished at times that we could've been the same age, that I would have her phone number and call her in the night. But I wasn't even sure if she had a mobile. I'd never looked about for one, or asked about one. I hadn't needed to. And besides, a record of me on her phone might've made things seem sneakier than they were. It might have complicated things sooner.
The novelty of it all was wearing off, revealing the painful fleshy layer of its truth. It was exhausting to be in love, but pushing through was for your lover's sake. And I would. I had no intention of giving up or looking elsewhere for a route I knew didn't exist. Everything I did then, I did for her. But not purposefully. It just kind of happened.
A particularly uncomfortable interaction occurred whilst I was waiting for Jackie after school. I was hoping she was going to invite me to stay the night that day. I'd even planned on asking. Whilst I was perfecting this plan, a pair of familiar feet came into view. Giana.
I was leaning against the wall outside of school when she approached me. She didn't look like she wanted to be there or talk to me, but she was, and she did. Her expression was extremely stony, her obvious reluctance shining through without much effort of concealment.
"Hi, Norah," she said.
"Hello."
"How have you been?" She asked flatly, tugging at the top button of her blouse.
I'd always find it strange when Giana didn't act flustered in front of me, and instead appeared nonchalant. I'd been so used to it and then nothing at all, that it had become expected behaviour; the blushing and rushed speech.
I nodded curtly, "good. You?"
She shrugged.
"What do you need?" I asked coolly, squinting against the sun that was shining down through the parting of her hair.
"To say sorry... I'm sorry," she said. But she said it very unconvincingly. I didn't really care anymore, anything between me and Giana had long since fizzled out. I wasn't someone who held grudges so easily. I would modestly say I was quite a forgiving person.
"No hard feelings," I said with a small smile.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Well, that was easy." Giana deadpanned. "I was expecting at least a little grudge."
"Well, we'll never be proper friends again, so I guess you can consider that a little grudge. But no hard feelings. In the past," I said, shading my eyes with my palm.
She smiled. "You're very easygoing, you know?"
"I know."
"It's a shame. We could've been better friends. In another life perhaps," she said wistfully. It was all very dramatic, but I was glad it was being said.
I laughed softly. "Friends - in another life."
We nodded at each other, like men do in the street with a tight smile, and she left me. It was a clean close to an awful friendship, that fortunately, I no longer had to worry about. And as if on cue, Jackie came jogging through the gates, smiling toothily.
"What did I miss?" She asked, falling into step with me, bumping our hips.
"Giana," I told her.
She raised both her eyebrows and went, "ooh."
"I know right. It was weird."
Jackie hummed. "So? What happened? We all friends again?"
"Not quite," I grinned, "I actually told her we'd never be friends again."
Jackie's smile fell very quickly, making me laugh sharply. "What? That wasn't supposed to..."
It was very obvious from her reactions and choice of questioning that she had asked Giana to do that. For some reason, she felt guilty for our sour latter half of the friendship. Maybe it was for the time I had water thrown over me, or when I was slapped, or even just for bringing Giana to me in the first place. I was sure that Jackie thought that all of my previous bad moods had been because of her. When really she only thought she knew. But I appreciated it. Jackie was lovely, but that loveliness only made my heart ache. I forced myself not to think about it.
"Did you send her to make up with me?" I asked.
"I might have."
"She didn't really want to make up with me. Actually, we put a very neat end to the friendship, so thank you for that," I bumped our shoulders and smiled. Jackie latched onto my arm.
"I tried to make you friends, but I did a better thing instead?"
"Basically."
"Where are we going? To mine? You want to stay and study?"
Relief made me relax my shoulders. "Stay the night?"
"Of course."
-
Being back in Jackie's house after so long away felt like visiting an old memory. Nothing had shifted or changed, but the place felt so different. Mr. Reed was still at work, and would be back in a few hours, and Mio was lay across the couch watching a drama on the television. I didn't call to her, because I knew there would be a time later to talk.
Whilst Jackie and I were studying, I started to think about what she'd said. How had she known? What had I been doing sloppily? She knew it wasn't Mio, but I'd obviously made it clear there was someone. How had she known?
She didn't mention it again that evening, but I knew she was thinking about something. While I wrote, she'd go very silent and stare at me, like she was trying to figure something out. It put me on edge. She looked sceptical even while we were talking about regular things, but I wasn't going to question her, just to avoid the subject of whatever she was thinking about. I avoided a lot of conversation all together with my manic thinking. We just sat close, occasionally asked questions about work and then went to eat.
Over the breakfast bar, Mio was standing against the sink. She was looking at me, and though I really wanted to, I didn't look back. I was being overly cautious. I was sure that Mio was safe from Jackie's suspicion, but still, I couldn't be too careful. To be gazing so lovingly over at her while Jackie was beside me would be risky, even if she was oblivious. I just had to be as I normally was. But would I normally stare at Mio? I couldn't remember anything; my brain was frazzled.
I did know that helping Mio wash up was normal. It also gave me an opportunity to talk to her. So after dinner, I hung around and like Jackie was expecting that too, she went off upstairs without me. I was doing something normal. Still, for a few minutes, I didn't say anything to Mio. Just in case. And she was so patient with me, without me even having to say anything. She just ran the tap over the wash bowl full of crockery and cutlery, leaning her hip on the countertop and looking at me.
"What's bothering you?" She asked in a soft voice, stroking her fingers against my spine.
To the touch, I flinched, then relaxed and sighed. She didn't move her hand.
"Something is up," I said quietly, "Jackie knows something."
Mio's hand stilled on my back and she glanced towards the stairs anxiously then back to me. "About me? What? She thinks it's me?"
I shook my head. "No, no. Not you. Just... someone."
Mio continued to stroke my back gently. "Is it worrying you?"
"Of course. I keep thinking, 'how long can I hide things from her?' But I won't let anything happen to you from this. Seriously. I'll figure something out," I said, exhaling a slightly shaky breath.
Mio swished her hand about in the wash bowl, making the crockery clink as if we were washing up, and kept the tap running. "Then don't seem so secretive," she said.
I just stared at her and blinked, not quite understanding what she was saying.
"Tell her there is someone, but say that you'll tell her in good time," Mio elaborated.
"You want me to tell her?"
Mio frowned. "No! Of course not, Norah. Not about me."
"So, lie and hope she forgets about it?" I said with one eyebrow quirked.
Mio smiled. "It doesn't sound good like that. But, yes. That."
I just stared down at the overflowing wash bowl and chewed my bottom lip. I was taking in what she'd said, and with that advice, I was moulding together a new plan. A plan that would protect her from anything in the future. If it did come out, I'd need an automatic response.
I seduced her.
It was all me.
It's all confusion!
They were all awful and meaningless. I just had to think. Think, think, think.
Out the corner of my eye, I saw Mio look over her shoulder. Then she took my chin between her thumb and fingers, letting it rest on her palm, and peppered a few warm kisses to the wick of my mouth. She whispered, "please don't worry, okay?"
Her comfort soothed me for a few hours more. Just those simple words kept my head above water right up until Jackie and I were getting into bed. I felt secured. I knew really that I was safe in that moment and that worrying would get me nowhere, so I let it rest in my mind for a bit.
Jackie lent me a pair of shorts and a shirt to sleep in, both were a bit too small on my lanky frame but comfortable. With the creeping sticky heat, we could no longer soundly sleep in the same bed. So, Jackie rolled out a futon from her cupboard and I slept on the floor down by her bed, closest to the door. It was cool and smelt like second-hand clothing, but was thick enough that I couldn't feel the hardness of the floor under my body.
"You're a bitch for making me sleep on the floor," I mumbled into the dark.
"The futon smells," she said.
"I know."
She laughed with a snort that got me laughing too. "You'll get used to it."
We lapsed into a very still silence for a few minutes, every breath seeming louder in the dark. My nose had actually got used to the stale-smelling futon, and my body had relaxed against it. Sleeping would be easier than I thought; with Mio across the hall and the still tingling space on the corner of my lip where she kissed.
"Norah," Jackie said quietly. It was a gentle call, comfortable like I knew her voice to be. I was hoping she'd say 'I love you' or 'goodnight'. Like she always did, and then we'd feel properly normal again.
"Jackie?"
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "for accusing you. If there is someone, it's none of my business. I want you to trust me and tell me when you're ready."
My heart clenched. I felt guilty. I was guilty, and Jackie could probably feel it radiating off of me. "I do trust you. You don't have to be sorry, you only wanted honesty."
She hummed softly. "I'm still sorry."
"I'm in love," I whispered.
The words were out in the world. I was half-clean and feeling as if I was glowing with the honesty. Having Jackie know that much would work wonderfully with Mio's advice, and would do no harm. I sighed. Relief.
"Love! That's a bit shocking, isn't it?" Jackie exclaimed.
I laughed, fingers trembling with the relief. "Yeah, a bit."
"With who?" I heard Jackie rustling in bed as she shuffled to face me in the pitch-black.
"Doesn't matter yet. But, yeah, I am," I said.
Jackie barked out a laugh. "Doesn't matter?"
"Not yet."
"Better not be me," she said, voice laced with faux disgust.
I grinned, "not if you were the last person alive."
"Thank god that's mutual," I could hear the smile in her voice, "not so anti-romance anymore."
"Not really," I hummed.
I felt half at peace with my anxieties. We fell into a few minutes of silence, neither of us having anything to say after that revelation. I was feeling confident that I'd satiated Jackie's curiosity and eased her fear of not being trusted. I started to think that for a while not being normal would be okay. Just for a while.
"You know, I've had this awful thought," Jackie said, yawning.
"What's that?" I asked, rolling onto my side to see if I could make out the shape of her face in the dark,
"I didn't wanna say it because it's bad, but since I love you, I have to ask," she said, a joking lilt in her tone. Being comfortable in our friendship again felt nice.
I yawned, "okay."
"Is it my mom, Norah?"