Chapter Fifteen: Welcome to my Fake Smile
"you think that I am crazy
but that, that does not phase me
and no, you cannot change me
just know you cannot save me,"
~ olivia o'brien
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L I A M
"Fucking hell," I hissed, kicking the plywood. The sound of it crashing on the ground followed a second later.
My fists clenched next to me as I stared at the now damaged headboard I told Katrina I'd make for her. She was currently having a Bohemian phase. She wanted her whole room to be all planty and shit and wanted a new headboard.
I couldn't fucking make one. I haven't been able to make anything for years, and I felt like an utter fuck-up.
"Fuck this shit," I muttered to myself before stomping out of my garage. It wasn't long before I pushed open my front door, not stopping myself until I stepped into the small kitchen. My movements were fast as I reached for the upper cabinet, pulling it open before grabbing the bottle of vodka.
While pouring myself a shot, I couldn't help but think of her. Her words that night in the bar rang back to me. "Thought you preferred milkshakes over alcohol."
I had to bite back a laugh because she didn't know how bad I was in the beginning. How I depended on the liquid. I justified me drinking now because it was ten at night before drowning the shot.
I wanted to go to Mel's. Fuck, I wanted to sit in my booth and drink my damn milkshake, but I couldn't.
Monica filled my thoughts. I leaned against the counter and gripped the edges, to the point that my fists were whitening. I hadn't seen her, nor did I fucking speak to her for two damn weeks.
Even when she wasn't here, her moans were in my ears, her sweet, flowery smell controlling my senses. How her soft, velvety skin felt against my hands, and how she looked lying on her back, completely vulnerable and willing.
In that moment, for the first time in years, I'd wanted her. I'd wanted someone other than Liz. The feeling was terrifying because I wasn't supposed to want her. I couldn't.
I shouldn't have done it. I should have pulled away. I wasn't supposed to...
"Fuck this shit," I clenched out before turning, pouring myself another shot.
I coughed, cringing at the taste just as I heard the doorbell ring by the front of my house. Once I'd taken a deep breath, I took steady steps to my door before throwing it open, groaning in the process when I saw who was standing on the other side.
Without waiting for her greeting, I walked back to the kitchen and quickly hid the vodka bottle. "Nice to see you too, Limchik," my mother called out from behind me.
"chto ty khochesh', mama?" I sighed as I asked what she wanted before turning out of the kitchen. Mama stood by the entrance, however, watching me with raised brows.
Her shoulder length blonde hair was clipped on the top of her head, her brown eyes staring at me as if she knew everything. "Eat, Liam," she demanded, shoving something into my hands. When I looked to what I was now holding, I realized it was a glass container filled with pelmeni.
Better than plov.
"Thanks, mama," I mumbled, attempting to step around her. She didn't budge, though, filling the doorway that prevented me from leaving the small space in the kitchen. She stared me down as she crossed her small arms around her chest. "What?"
Keeping her expression blank, she turned around, keeping her back to me as she eyed the first floor of my house. I cringed when I realized that I left one of my unfinished products in the living room. "It is a mess in here," she stated before meeting my gaze seconds later.
I rolled my eyes. "Spasibo, mama," I thanked her sarcastically. "Anything else you want to comment about?"
She met my glare head on as she raised her brows. "Da," she agreed cockily, crossing her arms again as she leaned against the doorway. Her doing so gave me space to walk around her, but I didn't want to push her buttons, so I sat on the counter next to the fridge, leaning against the upper cabinets.
"You need to find a woman, Limchik," she stated, as if it was the most obvious fact ever. My eyes widened at her words, but that didn't stop her from continuing. "Liz is gone. She has been for two years."
She shook her head while inhaling slowly. "I don't understand why you are so loyal to her memory. She cheated on you. You deserved better."
Every bone in my body stiffened at the reminder. I clenched my jaw, along with my fists, but I made sure to keep my tone polite when I spoke up a beat later. "That was years ago," I explained slowly. "We were in our first year in college."
Mama rolled her eyes at my defence. "You guys married at eighteen, and she cheated on you at nineteen," she scoffed, shaking her head. "And you took her back."
"She was my wife," I reminded her harshly. "After that, she was faithful."
"That you knew about," she retorted, making my body chill.
Neither of us spoke for the next few moments while I avoided my mother's gaze. After what felt like minutes, she spoke up again. "Monica is a nice girl," she sighed longingly. When I looked back to her, I almost laughed by how soft her expression was, probably thinking about her while looking to the side. "She's very sweet. I think she likes you."
Something tightened in my chest, and I tried to ignore it. "You need to move on," she continued to whisper soothingly, making me focus back to her. She now stood in front of me, smiling sadly before dropping her hand onto my shoulder. "Papa and I love you, but you need to get yourself out of this dark place. It's like you don't try to be happy anymore."
Before I could attempt to say anything, she squeezed my shoulder before spinning on her heel, walking out of the kitchen and toward the front door. "I better see you at the shop soon!" She shouted just before the front door closed.
I hadn't realized that I'd been sucking in a breath before she left. But still, I felt sick.
To keep my mind of things—and more importantly, her—I went on Instragram. I barely used the site but sometimes, I found myself on it, scrolling through photos.
Only, not even a minute of me doing so stopped me in my tracks.
Sophie had posted an hour ago. She and Monica were standing behind the counter, wearing matching smiles while in their uniforms. Monica's hair was the same, styled in the same small waves. Her bangs were displayed on her forehead, but it wasn't an excessive amount that I'd seen celebrities or random people fashion.
I felt my body stiffen when I remembered the last time I'd seen her. The thought of that scumbag, Xavier, didn't fucking help, because all I wanted to do was shoot the fucker. I wished that after confronting him two weeks ago, I'd done worse to him.
I'd been walking in town, frantically searching for some specific screws I needed for a project—that I didn't end up finishing in the end, but whatever. Across the street, Ronen and Xavier were wearing their fucking cop getup but all I saw was red, seeing the little fucking shit, laughing like he didn't fucking break into Monica's house.
It had been a few days later, so every memory was still fresh. Remembering him in her room brought back all the anger and fury I carried, as well as the feeling of wanting to rip his head off.
So, without a second thought, I ran across the street, my eyes dead set on the fucker. Everything after that was a blur. My fist crashed somewhere on his body as I straddled him. He tried to shove me back and failed. Ronen pushing me off him, attempting to calm me down.
Since Liz died, all I focused on was anger instead of properly grieving. Still, I didn't remember the last time I completely allowed my body to be controlled by my emotions.
"Fuck this," I swore again before evaporating the space between myself and the bottle of alcohol. Once I took it out of the spot I hid it in, I didn't bother to grab the shot glass before removing the lid, drinking as much as I could.
Several coughs left me before slamming the bottle down to the counter, tightening my hand around it. Everything had been so set it motion months ago, now I wasn't sure what to do, or fuck, how to feel.
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M O N I C A
I faked smiled at the little girl standing on the other side of the table, noticing her pout and glare before I slowly turned to Sophie. She cringed when she easily read through my tense expression. "Get more cotton candy," I hissed under my breath before looking at the girl again.
"It will be here soon," I forced myself to chirp as I clasped my hands together.
Her mother dropped her hand on the girls shoulder, glaring at me. "You should be more organized," she told me, her tone laced with frustration. "My daughter wants to play more games, but now we have to wait for the reward because you don't have anymore."
Wow, I wanted to punch a bitch.
"I'm sorry ma'am," I said politely, forcing a smile in the process. "There was a group of teens who came here before you and won the last of the cotton candy. We didn't have enough time to restock before you both came."
She shook her head, but before she could say anything, her daughter stomped a foot. "Mom, I want cotton candy!" She screeched. I didn't think as my face morphed into a cringe.
"Got it!" Sophie shouted behind me. I turned, seeing her and Billy run out of the diner, each holding two bags filled with containers of cotton candy.
I sighed with relief as I stepped back, watching them giving the girl one container before restocking the lower shelf under the counter.
It was currently labour day, it being the seventh of September. Lake Wisken typically hosted a yearly carnival of some sort, where each shop in town was responsible of making a game for the kids. We had a week to prepare and after several man hours, we'd built a dart toss at balloons and ordered dozens of stuffed animals.
I was ashamed to admit that I basically did most of the work, compared to my co-workers. Mostly because I need a distraction and it was suitable, keeping my mind busy.
We'd been outside since six in the evening. At first, everything was chill. But then waves of kids came, and since then, it hadn't stopped. We finished handing out the stuffed animals, so Darius, the great guy he was, gave us permission to hand out the cotton candy we typically sold in the diner.
"The mom was an ass," I heard Sophie say, making me look up to see her rolling her eyes. "I bet she was a Leo. Or actually, maybe her daughter. She wanted something and she wanted it now."
I laughed, leaning against the stone plant stand, which was on either side of the walkway leading to the diner. "She seemed like she was having a bad day," I added.
She nodded with agreement, crossing her arms. I hated how we were wearing our piss coloured uniforms, but since we represented Mel's, we needed to wear them. "Her aura was off," she continued, pursing her lower lip as she looked over her shoulder. "Maybe I should offer her a palm reading. I'm still gonna open my store at midnight."
"You better not leave me," I pointed a finger at her. She raised her hands up in surrender once I reached into the pocket of my apron, pulling out my phone to check the time. "I'm gonna take a break," I told her, not waiting for her protest before walking around the stand and toward the diner.
Although the bright lights were on, there wasn't anyone inside since we closed the diner for the day. I'm pretty sure Darius was in his office though, working on something related to his business.
I sighed with relief once I stepped into the employees bathroom, finally able to do my business. With it being almost ten at night now, a girl needed to have some alone time, and hell, pee.
It was a few minutes later when I unlocked the door and stepped out, feeling relief. But right when I turned my body to the right, where the exit was, I bumped into a solid chest. I sucked in a breath as two arms wrapped around my waist, allowing me to steady myself.
Just as I stepped back, an apology already forming on my tongue, I froze when my eyes met his dark ones. "What are you doing here?" I clenched out.
Xavier stared back at me, smiling sloppily while dressed in casual pants and a tee-shirt. "Hey, Mon," he grumbled, stepping closer the same moment I moved back. "Missed you," he chuckled as he reached forward to pinch my chin.
I slapped his hand, glaring at him. The last I'd seen Xavier was in my house, when he broke in two weeks ago. But it wasn't just me who hadn't seen him. Since last week, he'd been MIA. The times Ronen came into the diner to talk to Sophie, he'd as about where he could possibly find Xavier, but I didn't engage in the conversation.
"You know what, Xavier, I missed you too," I gushed sarcastically, but by the way his eyes lit up, he truly believed I'd meant it. "I missed you so much. You know what, I'm actually gonna miss you all the way over there," I said excitedly as I pointed to the exit.
While he looked to the side, I took this as a chance to walk away from him. I gasped loudly when I felt him grip onto my wrist tightly before tugging me back, making me stubble into his chest again.
"Fuck off, Xavier," I hissed, pushing against his chest until he released me from his body. Still, he kept his hold on my wrist, preventing me from walking away from him. "What do you want from me, huh?" I clenched out, trying to tug his hold off me.
Instead of responding, he tugged the both of us to the end of the hall, pressing my back against the wall. I realized that Darius' office was across from us, but just as I was about to shout to ask for help, Xavier's voice stopped me. "I want you to understand," he choked out, making me look back to him.
There were unshed tears in his eyes, and I knew then that he was probably drunk off his mind. "Kevin is my best friend," he admitted brokenly. "Since we were in seven. Fucking seven, Mon."
I shook my head, not getting his point. "Length of friendship doesn't equal loyalty," I told him softly. "It depends on who the person is and if they deserve your loyalty. Kevin doesn't."
He shook his head quickly. "He does. He fucking saved me," he nearly shouted, releasing his hold on me as he paced. I could have left, but I didn't. I wanted to hear more.
"Saved you how?" I asked.
Xavier sucked in a breath as he turned to me again, clenching his jaw by the looks of it. "My dad was a fucking alcoholic, Monica," he spat out, clenching his jaw. "When I got to school, we were outside in the playground and he asked why I wasn't playing. I couldn't because I had fucking bruises everywhere, from my dad."
I stiffened, pressing my back further into the wall, watching as he broke down in front of me. "He let me stay with him as much as I could. And when the twins were old enough, I brought them over." His expression instantly changed to fury. "The second my mom finally divorced the asshole was the best day of my life. He died two years ago but no one fucking misses that dick."
"So, because Kevin took you in, you feel indebted to him?" I concluded, sucking in my breath when he nodded once a moment later. "He doesn't deserve it," I still whispered.
"You don't understand!" He suddenly shouted, slamming his fists on either side of me as I yelped in fear. "I owe him! He saved my fucking life!"
We stared at each other in silence, my wide eyes meeting his narrowed ones. "Monica?" A muffled voice from inside a room called out, bringing our attention back to reality.
I heard Darius shuffle in his office, likely getting up to check up on me, as Xavier stepped back, walking to the back exit. He met my eyes once more, tightly smiling. "Kevin isn't done, with you, Mon," he breathed out.
My body reacted to that instantly as I stiffened, but before I could ask what he meant, he was already out the door, it closing softly behind him.
"Monica?" Darius' voice was much clearer that it was before. When I looked in the direction of his office, I noticed that he was standing by the doorway, his thick brows furrowed with worry. "Everything alright? I heard shouting."
I cleared my throat to give myself time to come up with an answer. "Yeah," I croaked out, pulling out my phone. "Just had an argument with a friend. It was on speaker so you probably heard them shouting. Sorry, Darius."
He smiled softly. "Hope everything's alright with them now," he said before stepping back into his office. I released a shaky breath once the door closed behind him.
I ended up in the hall for a few extra minutes before finally stumbling outside and to our booth, only to see Chris on the other side of the table while smirking at something Sophie said. This fucker.
"Hey guys," I called out, looking between them both before focusing on Chris. "Where's Fiona?"
He instantly tensed up at me calling our mother by her first name, but he didn't say anything about it as he shrugged. "She knows she not wanted, so she stayed home. People don't necessarily like her," he chuckled awkwardly as he eyed Sophie.
"I wonder why," I drawled out as I crossed my arms.
When I looked to my side, I noticed Sophie's worried eyes on the top of my head before trialling her gaze down the rest of my body. "Are you okay?" She mumbled once she slid closer toward me. "Your aura—"
"Soph," I warned. "Don't."
She frowned but didn't say anything else. I really didn't want to talk about Xavier right now. Actually, I didn't want to talk about him at all.
Wanting to distract myself, I looked out to the crowd, my gaze lingering on the teenagers laughing at each other as they versed in games. Adults joined, and I couldn't help but crack a small smile when I saw a dad pick up his daughter, helping her throw a ring around a glass bottle.
As my eyes continued to wander, I froze when my eyes locked on a familiar pair of brown eyes. Despite it being dark, her cornflower blonde hair was hard to miss, especially because of the street light casting down on her. She was standing with her friends when she noticed me.
Like before, she grinned before jogging to my booth without another word to her friends. "Monica! So cool to see you here!" She said, hopping on her feet. "Thank you again for putting a good word for me with Liam."
Hearing his name made my heart race in my chest. The last I'd seen her older brother was in my room, seconds before we fully peeled off our clothes. Since then, I hadn't seen him in town or in the damn diner. "No problem," I managed to say steadily.
"Please talk to him though," she begged just as her friends walked up behind her. "He's moody as hell when I come by to the shop. It's getting annoying."
My heart continued to pound as I forced myself to swallow. "Uh, yeah," I mumbled, trying to figure out another topic to bring up. When I looked around my surroundings, I had an idea before turning back to her. "Where's your parents?"
She shrugged. "Somewhere here," she admitted. "Mom made a booth and forced my dad to help her with giving out prizes."
I couldn't help but smile. "That sounds like fun," I admitted. "He must be enjoying that."
"He loves being mom's slave," she laughed, crossing her arms. "After dad retired and gave the shop to Liam, he wanted mom to give up the shop, so they could be together longer. She refused."
She smirked, brushing some of the hair off her face. "He went three weeks without talking to her. She had to pretend to get hurt before he got over it."
I laughed as my heart swelled in my chest. In that moment, I found myself wishing mom was who she was and dad was still alive, because I remembered the days when I was proud they were my parents.
┉
"I want to sleep," I deadpanned as I plopped myself on the stool in front of the counter.
Sophie, who was cleaning cups on the other side of the table, laughed, before nodding with agreement. "Amen," she agreed with a smirk. "We've been working since noon, fixing up the damn game, and spent hours outside. We deserve a drink."
"Please," I groaned throwing my head back. But when I looked back to her moments later, I noticed how her brows were drawn together as she looked at the few people sitting in the diner. "What's wrong?"
She didn't look away from them right away, but when she met my gaze moments later, she tightly smiled and shook her head. "Sorry, it's just..." she paused, looking at something behind me. When I followed her gaze, I noticed her looking at a table with three older women, who were all staring outside the window.
I turned back to Sophie just as she leaned over the counter. "Their auras... they're afraid of something," she mumbled, so only I could hear.
My brows furrowed with confusion. "Afraid? Afraid off what?" I whispered just before she straightened her back, her eyes behind me once more.
The bell above the door went off just as I spun my stool around. My eyes widened instantly when I saw Chris stroll in, with mom next to him. "Hey," he grinned when he saw the both of us, guiding mom to the counter I was in front of.
"What are you doing here?" I asked dryly when our eyes met again. I knew that he read my silent question: why is she here?
He forced a smile before clearing his throat, avoiding my gaze. "She didn't eat and we have nothing at home, so..." he drawled, making my jaw clench.
"Whatever," I mumbled, jumping off my stool before walking behind the counter and into the kitchen. Joe was cleaning up, so I made a sandwich for her, remembering how she liked ham.
When I finished up my creation—which I actually didn't spit in—I stepped out of the kitchen, only to almost drop the plate when I saw mom talking to someone.
That someone being Meredith.
"So what are you learning in school?" she asked her, making every bone in my body lock together.
"Public relations," Meredith answered softly. Not like her usual confident tone she carried throughout elementary and high school.
Mom grinned and I sucked in a breath when I realized that was the first time I saw her do so in years. Before dad died. Before she changed. "That's wonderful. And you're going to get your graduate degree, right?"
She nodded with a hesitate smile. "I'm going back to school for the winter semester. I decided on taking a little break before finding out where I'm going to go," she admitted, fiddling with her fingers. She sat on the stool I'd occupied minutes before, wearing sweats on sweats, her long hair in a ponytail above her head.
"Your mother moved to Colorado, I heard," She said, reminding me that Meredith's whole family situation happened after she got arrested.
As Meredith nodded, I strode toward mom and nearly slammed the plate in front of her. Without giving anyone around me any acknowledgement, I walked out from behind the counter before basically jogging to the employees lounge.
"Fuck this," I mumbled under my breath as I rushed to my locker, the urge to run strong as always.
I heard the door fly open, followed by soft footsteps stopping behind me moments later. My stiffened back was to them as I held in a breath, waiting for them to speak up.
"One month," Meredith choked out. "Almost one month, and nothing."
My eyes stayed steady on my locker, not turning to face her. "How can you do this?" She cried, my head instantly dropping to my feet at the sound of her voice cracking. "I know you close yourself off, Mon, I know that. But I'm different. We're different."
She didn't say anything for what felt like minutes, but I heard her silently cry. Unable to stop myself, I slowly moved my body, facing her. Her face was red now, from the silent tears streaming down her face.
Both of us sucked in a breath when my eyes met her dark ones. "We have been friends for over a decade," she whispered, clenching her fist before pressing it against her chest. "Almost two."
"Congrats to us," I choked out, hating how raspy my voice was.
She looked torn as she shook her head rapidly. "No. No congrats," she spat, inhaling through her mouth as she stepped closer. "You can't just forget about me. About us."
I turned my head away and closed my eyes. "You're my fucking sister, you ass," she gasped out shakily.
My heart cracked. "You hurt me," I whispered. "You broke my trust."
As she began to weep, I grabbed my stuff from my locker and quickly closed it before running out the back exit. I continued to run the miles separating me from my house, unable to stop myself.
I didn't stop my actions when I got to my house. I grabbed a jar of peanut butter from the cupboard and a spoon before sliding down to the ground. As I leaned against the lower drawers, my hands shook as I opened the lid, feeling waves of sadness hit me.
"Being alone it better than being hurt," I reminded myself softly before shoving a spoonful of the peanut butter passed my lips.
I sniffled, hating how hurt I was. The hurt I always wanted to avoid. And now Liam... he was the cause of my pain too, because his silence was enough to speak volumes.
Just as I was about to drown myself in despair, however, my body turned rock hard when someone knocked on the front door.
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LOL I FORGOT TO POST
TUESDAY SO IM POSTING
TWO CHAPTERS NOW.
authors note in the next chapter!
(Limchik = Lee-m-cheek)