I really do believe that life is a like a big and thick book of biology.
Because we are living, we revolve around the things that has life in it and the world is big network of interconnectivity. We lived for a cause, we are here for a reason and we meet people for a purpose. Some things happen to us because it was meant to be; whether for the experience and open an opportunity or to be a lesson we shouldn't forget.
It's like a passive transport, a naturally occurring phenomenon and does not require the cell to exert any of its energy to accomplish the movement.
That sometimes, things do actually happen even if we don't have control on it. Kahit pa iwasan natin, kahit pa pigilan natin, it is bound to be there. It's meant to be there.
in layman's term; Destiny
I guess I found my soul purpose when I found the strength to live again after that tragedy. I'm thankful that I didn't degrade myself more just because it happened to me. I'm broken and in oblivion, but some part of me is still a piece of this cruel reality, hindi ko na iyon maiaalis pa.
Inilapag ko ang bulalak sa puntod niya. I usually make it a habit to always visit him whenever I feel lonely or sad. He's just a grave reminder for me that I shouldn't stop living in this dark world because some people out there may be in need of me someday... I want to have an impact not to the world but the people in it who suffers.
In that way, I want to be a doctor. I want to save peoples live. I want to dedicate mine to live-out their life more and retrieve them from the death thread. And I want to continue his fallen dream to be someone's savior.
It's been two years but it feels like it was just yesterday. I still miss him the same. I still feel the void in me that he used to occupy.
I miss you kuya Dom.
"Hey, kuya. Time flies. Sophomore year ko na. Nasabi ko na ba sayo na I'm taking up biology? Nursing sana kaso di na ako pasok sa quota ng school. And I've telling you this for repetitive times already. Sana di ka nagsasawa."
I can feel my eyes heat and sore because of the sudden feeling of pain in my chest. My ribs are like puncturing my heart without me even noticing.
"It should have been your graduating year. Edi sana magreresidency ka na and prepare for your exam."
I can even imagine how neat and handsome he could be in a doctor's coat and stethoscope. He could have been starting to save and inspire people in his own ways.
Dominique was very loving as a brother. He's always giving and very supportive. He's the one that conjure me to be better and be kind. He's really good and ideal, he's even funny kahit minsan ang corny ng mga joke niya. The way he handles his academics above all, his priorities are absolute. And he's a blessing for both of my parents.
His very ideal...
And what happened to him is something he doesn't deserved.
"I still keep my promise, kuya. You will get the justice that you deserve. Even if I put my life in line. I will. You don't deserve this."
Pinalis ko ang luha sa aking pisnge ng maramdaman ko iyong tumulo. Iniiwas ko ang aking tingin sa puntod niya to refrain myself from breaking down again. I don't want him to see me shattering all over repeatedly.
Iniayos ko ang relos sa aking kaliwang palapusan at tinignan ulit ang lapida niya.
"I'll be going na, kuya. We will visit you again, I promise. Sama ko na si mama at papa. You stay happy where you are, okay? We're fine here."
I said bago nagdesisyon na umalis na.
Life has been rough with me. The world has crushed me...
At the age of 17, I was raped and my brother got killed and justice is nowhere to be found because of those who bend the law in their favor. I committed suicide but thankfully it didn't went to my death and even diagnosed with severe depression.
Pero hindi iyon dahilan para tumigil ako sa mga bagay na gusto kong gawin. I had my dark days; sessions with my psychologist, psychiatrist and almost end up in a ward in a mental hospital.
But I have to live after that, my brother's death will be put to waste if I didn't continue my life. I want to... and that's what I'm going to do.
I learned that the world is viscous. It will not adjust with how weak and pained I am. And if I want to survive I have to hold on myself more. The weak have no room in this barbaric world. People should learn that even in the most inhumane time, they should always hold their humanity that is in gamble line.
Siguro bonus point na lamang that my parents are loving. Even in the times that I take away my own life, even if I try to blame everything that had happened to me. They never gave up on me. Nawalan na sila ng isang anak, and I guess it will be their death also if I'd die too.
My friends are a great help dahil lagi nila akong sinasamahan. They never made me feel alone in my sorrows. They are not only present on the days that I have everything but they are also on my side when I lost everything.
Sumakay ako sa kotse ko at nagsimula ng magmaneho pauwi. Tapos na naman ang klase ko para sa araw na ito.
Nakakastress lang ang mga core units ko sa bio. Feeling ko ang goal nila ay i-drain lagi ang utak ko. I feel like college will be hard pero second year ko pa lamang pero eto na agad ako at nahihirapan. Buti na lang andyan si Arya para saluhin lahat ng mga bagay na nahihirapan akong gawin.
I'm never great at things that I do. I can do it but not to the extent of being excellent. Minsan ay naiingit ako kayna Arya and Annica.
Arya is the mother of science, lahat ng related doon ay alam niya. She's very quiet at most times pero nagsasabi naman iyon at nakakausap namin. She's a chemistry major pero lahat yata ng braches ng science ay kabisado niya. She's the one responsible for my aces in biochem and she's good at drawing too. She's also beautiful. Napaka-favorite ni Lord.
Annica? She's a mad woman when it comes to math now. I couldn't even comprehend how she chose her course, BS Mathematics. Hindi ko alam paano niya kinakaya lahat ng equations na meron doon. All of those combined numbers and letters. Thankful na lamang ako na andyan siya para tulugan ako with every math related things that I have to deal... physics lang yata ang hindi niya gusto but others? She got it and knows it like the back of her hand.
Ako? Mabait ako.
That's the only thing that I know with me. I'm good because I don't want people to get hurt because of me.
And I think that's my best traits. My mediocrity is something that I have accepted a long time ago. I still strive and put extra efforts on the things that I do in order to be in lined with the people that I'm with.
You just have to do more, in order to be better over time.
Kasi if I don't I'll be left behind and I don't want that.
Napabaling ako sa phone kong nasa dashboard ng tumunog iyon. I saw Arya as the caller kaya naman agad ko iyong sinagot at inilagay sa loud speaker iyon.
I'm almost near home. Gusto ko na ring naman matulog.
"Hello, Arya? Why?"
"Girl, hiram ako ng camera mo. Kung okay lang naman? I need it sa isang special project ko, e."
"Sure sure. Abot ko the next morning? Maaga, a. Hanapin ko pa later" I said and laugh. I can almost see her purse her lips dahil hindi naman siya early person. Madalas siyang late lagi.
"Thank you! The best ka talaga!" She said and bid her good byes after. Hindi ko na 'rin natanong kung para saan niya gagamitin. Siguro bukas na lang.
Paliko na ako ng Vito Cruz, I can almost see my campus kaya naman napailing na lamang ako.
I remember that I almost screw up my entrance exams. Bumagsak ako sa iba't-ibang state university and this one is the only campus na halos sumabit lamang ang scores ko para makapasa sa quota ng course ko ngayon.
I drive silently and all eyes on the road, bigla ko na lamang natapakan ang preno ng makita ko iyong lalaki sa harapan. The cars in both of the intersections stop pero halos manlamig na lamang ako ng isang lalaki ang tumilapon matapos siyang mabangga. I can hear myself scream because of the sight. Napatigil ako sa pagmamaneho at halos sumubsob sa steering wheel ko as I watch some stand by who just took out their phone to shot pictures and videos!
Oh my god! This people and their stupid inclination to social media!
Bloods rush in me when I saw the man lying on the cold ground. Para akong ibinato pabalik sa panahong nasa tabi ko si Dom... walang malay at puro dugo.
I immediately grab my wallet at dali-daling bumababa sa sasakyan ko.
I run back to the compartment of my car at kinuha ang first aid kit ko doon. Hindi na ako nag-sayang pa ng oras at agad tinakbo ang distasya sa komosyon sa harap.
People are beginning to panic habang ako ay parang aatakihin sa puso dahil sa kaba. They are just in hysteria pero hindi naman nila tinutulungan iyong lalaki.
I try to run through them kahit pa pinapalibutan na nila iyong lalaki. I look at them and I can feel my eyes rolling because of how ironic this people are here. Ni wala akong narinig na tumawag ng ambulansya.
"Excuse me! Excuse me!" I shouted as I try to penetrated the circle of people na nakikitingin lang naman.
When I finally saw the whole event on in front of me ay parang nabuhay ang takot sa akin. I took a training on this. I know this. Focus, Monique!
The driver of the car seems hysterical as he multiple cussed in front of us. Napailing na lamang ako as I grab my wallet from my pocket and retrieve there my certification ID as a first aider.
"I'm a certified first aid provider. I would like to help the patient." Nakita ko ang alinlangan sa mukha noong nakabangga pero hindi ko na siya pinansin pa.
I can smell the hemoglobin and iron from his blood. He's covered with it from his face. He's still conscious in the subtlest way his eyes are still trying to see through its vison.
I lower my first aid near us. Ang dugo niya ay kumalat na sa sahig at sa iba pang parte ng kanyang katawan. His white dress shirt is now covered with blood. I immediately put my disposable surgical gloves on both hands at huminga ng malalim bago tumingin sa kanya.
"Hey, I'm Monqiue Roque. I'm a trained CPR and first aid provider can I help?" I ask because it is a golden rule to ask the victim's consent lalo pa't if something happens to them it is our direct responsibility.
"Ah. Fuck." He hissed at marahang tumango. Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang pagpapakawala ng isa pang buntong hininga at tinignan ang kabuuan niya.
"Check for responsiveness of the victim. Hey, hey, hey are you okay? Hey, hey, hey are you okay? Hey, hey, hey, are you okay?" Shit! There's a wide wound on his head, marahan kong tinapik ang iba't ibang parte ng katawan niya and thank God he is still conscious.
"The victim is responsive." I said in a little relief. Tumingin ako doon sa driver na nakabangga sa kanya. "Activate the medical assistance and get back immediately. Call 911."
Muli kong ibinalik ang tingin ko sa kanya and examine him more. Aside from the wound that is at least one and half wide on his forehead. Iilang bruise lamang ang natamo niya. I hope that he will just experience muscle spasm.
I try to stabilize his head and neck just so I could put a cravat bandage on his forehead. Ginamit ko pa ang backpack nadala-dala niya just so I could make his head a little elevated without causeing too much pressure on it.
I grab my disposable triangular bandage from the kit and made a cravat from it. I place the center of the cravat over the compress covering na ipinatong ko sa sugat niya. I cross them at the opposite side of the wound and cross back towards the wound and do a square not on the top of it.
After utilizing the wound, I check more of his body. His black slacks are still intact. No bruise from the lower extremities just some slight bruises on his arms. I try to feel his abdomen at pilit na iwinaksi ang naramdaman kong abs niya.
Muli kong tinignan ang mukha niya at doon ko lamang napansin ng tuluyan ang itsura niya. Some blood already dried on his forehead and some are still fresh. His heart shape lips are almost pale at ang golden skin niya ay may lamat ng dugo. His long lashes have some blood on it and his furrow and thick brows is now on a relax state. His strong jaws kung saan tumutulo ang ibang dugo ay perpektong nakaanggulo sa kanyang mukha.
Wow. Pogi.
"Miss! Andito na iyong ambulansya!" Napalingon ako doon sa driver ng kotse na nakabangga at sobrang natataranta siya ng bumalik sa akin.
The loud siren of the ambulance made through the bunch of people who are still watching. Napailing na lamang ako habang tinatanggal ang surgical gloves na suot at tumayo para maayos iyong itapon sa isang basurahan.
"Miss Roque? You did the first aid?" napalingon ako sa lalaking nagsalita.
When I first saw him ay agad akong pinamulahanan at naugat sa aking kinatatayuan. His neat and bubbly smile captivate me in the most fleeting way habang ang salamin niya ay maayos na binibigyan atensyon ang maliliit at chinito niyang mga mata.
I know bad guys has always held my attention back then...
Pero si Dr. Jermiah Jimenez—Dr. JJ as they call him is my secret slight? Crush. Siya iyong mentor naming sa first aid noong kinuha ko ung training camp last summer.
"Ah... opo... hehe. Tama po ba?" I ask shyly habang binabalikan naming ang mga gamit. Naiwan pa iyong bagpack noong lalaki kaya naman kinuha ko na iyon kahit pa may stain ng dugo. I feel obliged to join him to the hospital dahil siya ang unang tao na na-apply ko ang knowledge ko.
If he's my trial and error, I would rather be by his side to take responsibility of his health.
"Yes! Ang galing mo na mag-bandaging, a." I can feel the muscles on my cheeks burn because of his praises. Inaayos ko na 'rin ang first aid box ko bago ko muli siyang tignan na may hiya sa akin.
"Ikaw, nag-turo, doc. Dapat galingan ko talaga."
"That's what I like about you."
I can feel my shyness all over my body dahil sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko naman alam kung joke iyon dahil sinundan niya iyon ng isang malakas na tawa.
"Doc, ready na iyong patient. I think, doc. Mild concussion, and some wound and bruises lang naman." Napalingon kami pareho sa isang babaeng doktor na lumapit sa amin. Tinanguan naman siya nI Dr. JJ bago muling humarap sa akin. Ako naman iyong na-offend para doon sa babaeng doktor.
"Will you come to the hospital?" Tanong niya.
"Opo, I'll take care of his stuff for a while. I feel a little responsible for him.
"Good. I'll be seeing you at the hospital. Good job, Monique."
Hindi ko na 'rin naman napigilan ang hiya sa akin lalo pa ng ngitian niya ako bago siya tuluyang umalis. Napailing na lamang ako dahil sa nangyari!
"Hija! Hija! Pakisabi naman roon sa lalaki na huwag ng mag-demanda! Parang awa mo na hija! Iminamaneho ko lamang ang sasakyang ito! Kailangan ko lamang iyong trabaho!" Napapitlag ako ng makita iyon driver kanina. Bakas sa mukha niya iyong takot at pangamba habang nakatayo siya sa harapan ko.
"Ho? Manong hindi ko naman ho kakilala iyon—"
"Miss parang awa mo na. Kailangan ko ang trabahong ito. May apat akong anak at iyong asawa ko ay wala na. Miss!"
"Titignan ko po ang magagawa ko. Mag-iingat ho kayo lagi."
"Miss! Salamat! Salamat hija!"
Nginitian ko siya bago bumalik sa kotse ko at sumakay roon. I managed to wipe alcohol on my hands first bago ko hinawakan ang manibela. Inilapag ko naman sa likod na upuan ang kit at ang bag niya at nagtungo na sa hospital.
I feel a little grateful and relieved dahil nakatulong ako. At least I won't just watch people die in front of me because I don't know how to mend their pain or prolong their life a little.
I reach the hospital and enter it.
Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit meron sa akin na gusto ang sitwasyon sa ospital. The patients, the medical personnel. It's a whole scenario where life is being taken and people fight for it.
It's a daily reminder that life has an end. We would all die, we just don't know when and how but we will. And everyone should take to account to reach the satisfaction they want in life.
"Ms. Saan iyong nabangga kanina lamang sa kahabaan ng Taft Ave.?" I ask the nurse on the front desk at agad niyang iminuhestra sa akin ang ward sa may dulong pasilyo.
Dala-dala ang itim niyang backpack ay nilakad ko na ang kinaroroonan noong lalaki. The ward's is a busy place and the distinct smell of the hospital is enticing to me. The white pavements and the hospital beds in lined in symmetry occupied by blessed people who got a chance to be healed physically.
"Dr. JJ, asan ho iyong lalaki?" Tanong ko ng makita ko siya. He seems pissed as his lips are protruded and his brows are shot on the middle.
"Andoon. Tsk."
Nagulat naman ako sa pagsusungit niya at sa dere-deretsong paglabas ng ospital. Tinungo ko naman iyong kama na tinuro niya at nakita nga doon iyong lalaki. Now, fully conscious.
"Fuck! I hate hospital. I will sue that man." Nanlaki ang mata ko ng marinig ang lamig sa boses niya. I look at him lying there with a IV on his hand. Napailing na lamang ako ng makita ang pribelehiyo sa kanyang itsura.
He looks rich... and I don't like rich people.
"Don't." hindi ko na napigilan pa ang sarili. Ibinaling niya sa akin gang lukot niyang mukha kaya naman natahimik agad ako. I place his backpack on the seat beside the bed bago muli siyang tinignan.
"He hit me!"
"Do me a favor because I'm the one who performed a first aid to you. Don't sue the man. He's trying to make a living. I don't know who you are or what you are capable of. But its's obvious that the man is powerless over you. Instead of depriving them more of the things that they can do, help them in the things that they don't have a capability of providing."
"I'm a fucking law student. I know what's need to be done!"
"I don't care. I'm asking you to be human."
"Are you telling me that I should just let it pass?"
"No. I'm asking you to compromise because not everyone is like you. You're privilege, not everyone has that in their head."
"Everyone is equal against the law and before the court. We will going to settle it with a fair trial."
"You tell that to every victim who didn't get the justice that they deserve because of those who bend the law that you preach so much about."