Warning: Suicide attempt, Abuse and cursing (Cursing's already given since... Katsuki)
Shoto Todoroki's Point of View:
Yelling.... noise...... Banging on the door.....Violence....flames
Cuts, scratches..... scars.
Animals....death......and blood.
All of these, are the things that trigger me. I heard them yelling, arguing and fighting. A person was pinned on a wall. Jealousy? Maybe annoyance and anger. He had this grudge of being over protective.... no that's too sugar coated.... maybe Possessive?
I wanted to stop them. I did and yelled at them but I got another attack. Their voices were too hazy. No words was understandable, just this sound ringing and exaggerated deep voice coated around theirs.
I blacked out....
Light, morning light stood out through the curtains. I closed my eyes but even through my eye lids I could feel the warmth. I didn't like it. It reminds me of flames. Burning wood and ash surrounded my imagination when I closed my eyes tightly. Ahh, another nightmare. I was suffocated. My breathing hitched as I held my neck.
"Todoroki! Todoroki! Todoroki wake up!" Yelled by someone. 2 sets of hands were on my shoulder and chest. My eyes opened wide as I cough immensely from that nauseating dream. I held my chest and hit it hard. Dry coughing was heard by my voice as I held back my tears.
I wipe it away immediately and sat back up. My head hurt after that episode of me coughing. "Shit..." I whisper. The head ache remained as I look at the 2 figures present in front of me. "Todoroki, are you alright?" Asked the man with glasses.
"I'm f-ine" my voice got disrupted by a grunt as I grit my teeth. "My throat hurts.." I whisper.
"Here" he said and handed me a glass of water. "Thank you" I said. "Try and refrain from talking." Iida said. I nodded and gulped down the water. I almost chin up with my hand because I almost coughed up my drink. I drank it and proceeded to cough again.
"This disease is annoying" I mutter. "Yes, you have a cold and fever. Your temperature's really high" he said as he examined the thermometer....
Well I feel violated. I looked down at my clothes. It was changed on to new sweatpants and a new hoodie.... "Todoroki... your cuts....do you-" Iida ask until I cut him off. "It's none of your business" I say. "But as Class representative I should acknowledge everyone's health, along with mental health" he said and gave me concerned eyes as he pat my shoulder.
I smack it away "I don't need your help" I say. He grunt and said "You have no say in it. I will help in any way I can" he said. "Then leave" I said coldly. "Just let me take care of your fever and I'll be off your hair" he smiled at me. I roll my eyes and look at the person to my left. "An why is he here?" I said coldly, no emotion could be told unless it was anger.
I glared at him coldly. "Sorry. Sorry we left you to get soaked in the rain. Now your sick. " he cursed to himself. I roll my eyes and said "Nice reply. You really answered my question" I said sarcastically. "Just, just let me help. I won't leave until you forgive me" he said.
I sighed "Your forgiven, now leave" I say and he frowned. I gave my resting bitch face but he Still didn't leave. "Everyone's stuborn...." I curse to myself and got up. "You could've not look into my body. Now ... I feel violated" I say as I embrace myself.
"We didn't do anything malicious to your body while you were unconscious " replied iida instantly. "Wow, I totally believe you" I say sarcastically. He grit his teeth, hiding his annoyance. "If you're getting annoyed just leave. I know you're just forcing yourself in staying here" I say as I go through my prescribed pills.
"You should eat first before you take those" commented iida. "I plan on dying. Leave me alone" I say and took one pill per bottle and swallowing it down without the use of water. Iida looked concerned but didn't say so.
"I already informed Aizawa that you won't be able to come to the trip today. I told him you were sick and shouldn't be able to come. I already said I'll be taking care of you but Bakugou here wanted to tag along" he looked at katsuki while glaring.
Why are they constantly fighting? I sighed and said "You could've left. I can handle it. You just wasted your trip to Europe by staying with me" I said bored. I sat at my bed and plopped down. I made ice on my fore head and made some to put on my left side since my heat signatures are above the normal.
He sighed and left but after 5 minutes he returned.
"Let me take care of you, please" he pleaded. "Don't ask about it. Just let me" he pleaded one more time...
"...fine whatever" I say and he then put a wet towel on top of my forehead after putting it underneath the ice. Katsuki glared at us and left.
"Good, he's gone." Iida smiled. I raised a brow and closed my eyes. "What do you intend to do? " I ask.
"I just wanted to be with you alone" he blurted out. "What?" I ask. "Nothing. Just rest" he said. Suddenly the door opened and slammed in the wall. "Oi, eat. You haven't had breakfast" he said. "Technically it's 2:00 and it's noon meaning it's like lunch but whatever" I say.
He sets down on my lap and said "Eat!". I opened one eye and looked at them. "Yeah, Todoroki, you should eat" he said ad he started cutting the pancakes for me and also putting it on a spoon. "Here. Say ahh" he said.
I closed my eyes and thought "I hope your arm gets sore just holding a spoon like that all day" and rolled my eyes even when they're closed.
"Come on Todoroki. You should eat something" he encouraged. Katsuki then lift my torso up and made me sit up. I look at the plate..... "it's....bland" I whisper as I took the spoon from iida and began looking through the food.
"But you haven't eaten it yet" said Bakugou. "Wanna bet?" I said. He shrugged and I handed him the food. He took a bite of the egg and it wasn'teven seasoned well. The toast was stiff, the pancakes looked soggy and sad due to the excessive syrup.
"See" I say as I poke at the wet blanket of a pancake. "Can you like...throw it away. I might just hurl that if I even tasted it" I say.
"Damn rich boy, you're too fucking picky" he said. "I don't plan on getting more sick." I said as I stood up and wore my shoes. "Where are you going?" They asked. "Kitchen" I say.
I got on an elevator and they missed me since they took too long arguing and putting on their shoes. I went to Anne and knocked on the door. "Yes? Come in" she greeted. "Yeah, it's me. Have the staff assisted you already, with your food and all" I say. She nodded but said "Only breakfast yet. But it's just 2 pieces of toast." She looked sad.
I nodded. She wasn't lying, I look at the plate. Itvwas just crumbs from bread. No oiliness, no other salsa, no extra residue of any food, just crumbs. I face palmed and said "Sorry! Here,we can go down and let's eat." I said and she nodded and stood up and went towards me. I pointed towards a box and she took it. It was a new pair of sandals.
"Oh my. You don't have to" she cried as she held it on her arms. "Don't worry about it." I said and I made her wear it and we arrived at the 1st floor through elevator. The doors opened and a ding could be heard. I put my hands in my pockets and saw no one was here. I heard yelling "Where is Todoroki?! Where could he have gone?! I promised to keep him safe" said a familiar blue haired boy.
"I already told you to stop worrying about me" I said coldly as we enter the living room 3. "Todoroki!" Yelled katsuki. "Todoroki! Where were you!? We were looking everywhere" iida yelled. "Not everywhere. If you did then you could've found me" I say.
I enter the kitchen area after dearing anne at a table on the nearest to the kitchen. "What do you plan on doing? You have a fever. Don't stand up all the time" scolded iida. I roll my eyes and I took a pan and a a knife. Iida gave a worried look but katsuki just gave a confused one.
I roll the knife around my fingers. Just playing with it like a pen. I took out a chopping board and threw the knife. "Todoroki! Be careful! Don't play with a knife. It's not a toy and don't ignore me" he screeched. I held his collar and pulled him towards me. He was literally so close by being hit by the knife I threw.
The knife landed and it got stuck in the chopping board just how I wanted it too. He gulped and said "See! You could've killed me" he said. "You do know you were the one that interrupted and got in the way where I was gonna throw the knife." I say and looking at the blade.
My eyes being glowed by what I could do with it..... maybe cut? No later! Not now at least.
Yeah sure. I look at the fridge and opened it. I took out 4 eggs, cheese, milk, butter and bacon. They sat down on the kitchen island.... katsuki did while iida sat at the table whole scolding katsuki for not sitting on a table.
"Shut up. You two are the ones giving me the actual head ache" I say. I took a bowl and cracked the 2 eggs inside and use the greater to break down the cheese. The cheese was around just a table spoon of it and mixed it around. I found using cheese was better than milk to make it creamier. It's my taste anyways so... what if I try both?
I added 3 table spoons of milk and mixed it. The pan was small, just enough for the eggs. I took a whisk and whisk the ingredients together and pour it on the pan with melted butter. The flame was on a low heat. I kept getting distracted about the flame and the yelling. It was hindering me from my cooking but I managed to pull through.
I took the pan and still whisked the eggs. The eggs were still kinda wet so I put it back on the stove for only 30 seconds and putting on a bowl. The egg was soft and really creamy. I added a pinch of salt, not iodized salt since...... I tried it once and It tasted bad since it was extra salty. "Shit. It's father" I mentally joked.
I did the same with the remaining 2 eggs. Then I fried some bacon and took 2 plates. I put rice on and took the newly cooked bacon and put them there after putting them on paper towel to let bacon get less greasy. I also made 2 servings of salad and placed them on a table. I gave her her own plate to eat and she thanked me. I sat at the counter since I didn't feel like eating next to someone next to me.
I sighed and looked at my plate.
I needed to cut.
I looked around. Iida and Katsuki was still fighting. I shiver at the thought of what I'm about to do....
I stood up and walk to the kitchen, closing the doors as I slam my head on the door. No one was here. Well not yet. They'll be back within 4 hours. I held my cheeks and look around....until something caught my eye. A stove.. lit up... with a kettle on top.... I stared at the steam emiting from it as I look at it intensely.
"It's bound to make the sound" the voice chimed happily wanting to see my struggle. "Look! It's about to start" it giggled. I couldn't control my own body. I was stiff, I couldn't move. I waited for the inevitable....it began whistling.
No no no no no no no.
I held my left eye....
"Momma? What are you doing? What are you talking about? I thought you told me you loved me... why are you saying I'm hard to look at?" My child voice ringed through my ears as I confronted my mother. She held me by the arm as she took the kettle.
"Mom!!! No!!! Stop!!! It hurts!!!"
I yelled. She held me tighter as I gripped onto her shirt and also gripping her arm that was on mine. "No!!! Stop!" ..... I thought she loved me? Why is she hurting me? Why does it hurt this bad?! It's been 10 years!!!
Oh.... right.... it was betrayal. You believed every word she said.... She wasn't crazy at all. Who would stand a person like you?
Just look at you! A worthless, Crazy arrogant dick that fucking can't be nice. .......And don't ever blame your childhood! It's all your fault!!
The voice kept screaming at me and kept screaming. I fell to the floor with a grunt and held my eye and pounding my chest. I sobbed but realized they can hear me. I gripped onto my mouth as I sobbed.
I realized I couldn't hold my cries as I closed my mouth. I gasped from the lack of air due to trying to suppress my cries. "Why?" I mutter. "Todoroki!" Yelled iida. Both banged on the door loudly. "No..no... stop!!! Don't" I struggle to stop them from increasing my stress but the heaviness of the tears held me down.
I clutched my shirt as the head ache seemed to creep back in. I couldn't breathe, my head hurts. My throat was on fire. I choked and coughed loudly. The doors opened and the 2 began inspecting me. "What happened?" Katsuki asked as he put my head onto his chest.
"Did you collapse? Is it your fever?" He asked. Tears stream down my cheeks. When it fell on the floor it created the ice layer. It coated some parts of the floor. I hit my chest. The knot in my throat wasn't going away.
I look around.... a knife... I stood up..the 2 tried to hold me down but I shove iida's torso down making him fall on katsuki. I ran towards the kitchen island, grabbing the knife. I wasn't able to grab the handle.. but the actual blade itself. My hand bleed and I held it up, ready to slice it through my neck.
I held it tightly, not wanting to let go. Freedom! Freedom at last! I thrust the blade onto my neck but... 2 sets of hands refrained me from what i was gonna do. Iida was crying.. he held my arms, wanting to stop me. Katsuki held my torso and neck. He planned to block the impact on my neck.
I coughed up...bad. Blood excreted through my mouth and my head began to hurt. Again... darkness.
Why did they... stop me?
Haven't I annoyed them enough to the point where they'd want me dead?
My plan failed. Damn it. Even when i try to kill myself I'm also a failure at it. I'm just.... a fucking failure. Nothing's important about me?! No one even acknowledges it as my hard work. People think it comes out naturally.
I feel worthless. Because no one cam say I have any worth. My one best friend... I cast him away. Why do I always do that?
I remove them if they're not to my taste.... no one's left since... I'm too picky. No one can fit the description of ideal friends. Why am I always so sensitive?
...........
I open my eyes.... this is my second black out? Shit, my head hurts. I held my head and slightly clutched my hair as I pull it around while sitting up. "Hey, take it easy" a kind tone told me. I look up, a light behind him was blocking my view so I looked down again. "What's wrong?" The voice asked. "Light"....
I was able to interpret who it was now.... it's katsuki. Suddenly the door opened and iida looked at me, shocked since I'm awake. "How could you do that! That was highly irresponsible! Do you seriously want to stab yourself? And you also kept walking around even after I told you so many times to sit downbecause of your fever! But you didn't listen!" He kept yelling.
I held my ears wanting to block away his words... but even from the inside all his words circulated through my mind. "S-sorry" I gulped and then he came closer to me. "Sorry?! Seriously?! That's all you can say? What would gave happened if you died at my hands?!" He yelled.....
I thought he was concerned...but actually he was just worried about his image.
"Why aren't you saying anything now? Earlier you kept babbling about nonsense and going against my word. Why are you even apologizing? Where's your old attitude? The one that's so sarcastic, cold and annoying even when I was trying to be nice" he yelled.
I look up at him. He glared at me. I was gonna open my mouth to speak until katsuki yelled "Leave him alone! He's already got enough on his damn plate and you keep whining like an annoying brat" he yelled...
"Why can't you both shut up. It wasn't my fucking fault you two kept yelling and triggering me! Just leave me alone" I yell.
Iida's face stopped and paused. He was processing what i said and what he yelled... "Sorry." He spoke. "H-how did I trigger you?" He asked. He seemed to have a grasp of a few knowledge of mental illnesses.
"Isn't it obvious? You two keep yelling and fighting! Both of you don't shut the hell up" I say. Both looked at each other. Silence filled the room until a knock could be heard. The door opened and it was one of the guards "Young master, a guest awaits your prescense. " he said.
"What's his name " I ask. "He told me he's your friend and that he'll come up here if no one comes down there" he said. "Well can you tell them that I'm sick and that they should leave" I say coldly. Suddenly a male entered through the doors after moving past the guard. "Hey sho" said luke.
Why does EVERYONE want to fucking enter my room. I sigh as I held my chest. I stood up and everyone was looking at me. I forgot to take my PTSD meds earlier. I opened the bottle and threw it in the air. I closed the bottle and catched the pill in my mouth. I swallow and threw the bottle back in my bag.
I look at them and luke said "Can I please have a moment to talk with Todoroki in private? " he asked the 3. They left. Finally. But there's still one sucker here.
"Hey I heard that" he said. I roll my eyes and took my phone. The guard was about to leave until I said "Can you ask one of the chefs to make dinner. I'm currently sick so I'm unable to" he nodded and left.
"Talk, then leave" I said glaring at him but looking away. I looked into the mirror... I feel myself talking to me again "....please. don't do this." He whispered. "Don't throw me away. I'm really sorry." I looked at him. He was already tearing up. "Why do you want to be with me? Don't I annoy you? You already have a free pass. Take it" I say.
"No, don't think that! I- I never once not wanted you as a friend. Please don't let your pride get the best of you. We were friends even before I knew what you looked like. I didn't mean to leave you like that. I was trying to figure out Bakugou. If he was an okay candidate for you as a friend or more. I didn't want you to get hurt in the end so I tried trying to know his personality. If he would fit into your taste and won't be a fucked up relationship like last time." He said.
I stopped. All my movements were gone. Memories of how my "ex" treated me, she used me... literally and emotionally. She'd use me as a sex toy, to pleasure and fill in her lustful desires. She also used me for money, when all I wanted was love and affection. She made me do stuff I never wanted. She ways guilt- tripped me when she wanted something, sometimes my body.
I fell on the floor holding onto the bed for support. He then ran towards me. He put his arm around my chest and one my back. He helped me up onto the bed. I hugged him tightly. "S-sorry" I whisper. "I'm really sorry" I repeated. He hugged me back and said "No I'm sorry. I wish I didn't make you feel abandoned and betrayed" he said.
Word Count: 3619
Yuzzzzz, I finished Violet Evergarden in one night..... I feel the same with her. She reflects emotion to the letters she write... and I do the same with my stories. Love the anime, it's one of the best and has the best animation and art style.