Kiss My Sass [Books 1 & 2]

By Puppy1899

207K 15.5K 5.5K

Featured in YARomance's 'Love-Hate' reading list as of 01/24/2022 Featured in TeenFiction's 'Funny Bones' rea... More

[book 1] chapter one: an introduction of sorts
[book 1] chapter two: new neighbour
[book 1] chapter three: my neighbour steals my chocolate milk
[book 1] chapter five: i commit a felony
[book 1] chapter six: i commit another felony
[book 1] chapter seven: the car ride of death
[book 1] chapter eight: study buddy from hell
[book 1] chapter nine: my twin gets in a fight
[book 1] chapter ten: i bunk with a psychopath
[book 1] chapter eleven: test time
[book 1] chapter twelve: semi-finals
[book 1] chapter thirteen: my window gets smashed
[book 1] chapter fourteen: confessions & revelations
[book 1] chapter fifteen: i'm officially an idiot
[book 1] chapter sixteen: kisses & awkward situations
[book 1] chapter seventeen: the cold shoulder
[book 1] chapter eighteen: so it begins
[book 1] chapter nineteen: the real james hastings
[book 1] chapter twenty: blast from the past
[book 1] chapter twenty-one: i unload my baggage
[book 1] chapter twenty-two: the search for my father
[book 1] chapter twenty-three: the ugly truth
[book 1] chapter twenty-four: the untold story of cade
[book 1] chapter twenty-five: field trip to penbrooke
[book 1] chapter twenty-six: niko's dirty little secret
[book 1] chapter twenty-seven: the birds & the bees
[book 1] chapter twenty-eight: ignorance is bliss
[book 1] chapter twenty-nine: i'm dating a liar
[book 1] chapter thirty: the other new neighbour
[book 1] chapter thirty-one: my mom ruins my relationship
[book 1] chapter thirty-two: finals
[book 1] chapter thirty-three: i commit my third felony
[book 1] chapter thirty-four: stitches & broken hearts
[book 1] chapter thirty-five: breakups & makeups
[book 1] chapter thirty-six: election day
SEQUEL?!
[book 2] chapter one: welcome back
[book 2] chapter two: i become a convicted felon
[book 2] chapter three: ain't no party like a parker party
[book 2] chapter four: oh, niko
[book 2] chapter five: the end of the summer solstice
[book 2] chapter six: nothing rarer than a blissful dani
[book 2] chapter seven: we meet the future mrs. parker
[book 2] chapter eight: i get a mashed potato facial
[book 2] chapter nine: late-night rendezvous
[book 2] chapter ten: off to penbrooke
[book 2] chapter eleven: the curious case of leila
[book 2] chapter twelve: we meet the future mrs. parker...again
[book 2] chapter thirteen: dani parker, city councillor
[book 2] chapter fourteen: i make a fool of myself
[book 2] chapter fifteen: ring the bell, it's time for wedding planning hell
[book 2] chapter sixteen: nothing like some sisterly advice
[book 2] chapter seventeen: the boneheaded boys have a brawl
[book 2] chapter eighteen: dinner disaster
[book 2] chapter nineteen: just desserts
[book 2] chapter twenty: secrets
[book 2] chapter twenty-one: blackout
[book 2] chapter twenty-two: truth or dare
[book 2] chapter twenty-three: the aftermath
[book 2] chapter twenty-four: alex becomes a smitten kitten
[book 2] chapter twenty-five: literal heartache
[book 2] chapter twenty-six: sleepover with holden
[book 2] chapter twenty-seven: pre-rehearsal dinner mayhem
[book 2] chapter twenty-eight: the rehearsal dinner
[book 2] chapter twenty-nine: betrayal
[book 2] chapter thirty: nothing but the truth
[book 2] chapter thirty-one: the sting of a friendship breakup
[book 2] chapter thirty-two: my boyfriend meets my dad
[book 2] chapter thirty-three: alex and i share a secret
[book 2] chapter thirty-four: i become the most hated parker
[book 2] chapter thirty-five: my tires get slashed
[book 2] chapter thirty-six: when opportunity knocks
[book 2] chapter thirty-seven: i rescue two drunkards
[book 2] chapter thirty-eight: brenton's dirty little secret
[book 2] chapter thirty-nine: holden gives relationship advice
[book 2] chapter forty: no ship like friendship
[book 2] chapter forty-one: our favourite narc pays a visit
[book 2] chapter forty-two: the bachelor(ette) party
[book 2] chapter forty-three: mistakes and regrets
[book 2] chapter forty-four: old habits
[book 2] chapter forty-five: a new proposition

[book 1] chapter four: drunken dani

7.2K 507 225
By Puppy1899

"DAN, ARE YOU ready yet?"

    "Give me a second."

    "You've been saying that for the past twenty minutes!"

    "If you want me to come then be patient," I shouted back. I did last-minute touch-ups to my makeup before joining Brenton.

    "Where do you think you're going in that?" he demanded, looking at me with his forehead so creased I could see a small vein bulging on the side of his head.

    I glanced down at my outfit, confused by his question. I was dressed in a strapless black dress paired with a denim jacket on top. It was simple but also cute and Amber approved, so that was good enough for me. "Is it that bad? I thought I looked fine."

    "I said to dress nicely, not as a prostitute." Brenton sighed. "You're not going out in that."

    I pushed past him. "Like I'm going to take orders from my little brother."

    "We're seventeen minutes apart!" he exclaimed.

    "Look, we're going to be late, so let's get a move on."

    Brenton gave me a stern look, staying stationed in place. "Dress test."

    I gawked at him. "What? No!"

    "Dress test or we aren't going."

    The last time I had to do one of his stupid dress tests was when we were thirteen and went to our first boy-girl birthday party. "You're unbelievable."

   He clapped his hands obnoxiously. "Chop chop, let's go."

    I let out a groan, but I did as I was told. I held my arms above my head, then I leaned forward and bent down. This was followed by sitting down and reaching for my toes. "Are we done?"

    "Fine," he said begrudgingly. "But if I see anyone stare at you for a second too long, you're wearing my spare sweatpants in the trunk for the rest of the night."

    I couldn't hide the grimace on my face. Those sweatpants hadn't seen a washing machine since sophomore year.

    "Wipe that look off of your face, I'm serious," he warned.

    I pinched his cheek. "It's so adorable when my little brother gets protective."

    "Seventeen goddamn minutes, Dani."

    "Doesn't matter, you're still younger."

    Brenton grumbled some choice words under his breath as he stomped past me.

    "I'm driving," I said.

    "Come on, Dan. I'll be the DD for the night. You should have fun."

    "Brent, you're notorious for getting hammered within the first twenty minutes of any party," I scoffed.

    "Not tonight." He swiped the keys out of my hands as we walked to the front door. "Be a good boy, Alex."

    "Coming from you," Alex said without looking away from the TV.

    After Brenton ensured Alex wouldn't tell Mom where we were off to, we left. It should have only taken us ten minutes to drive to Holden's house, but thanks to my crappy navigator and driver it took a solid half-hour. "How do you not know where he lives? You two have been best friends since forever!" I exclaimed.

    "It's a complicated route," Brenton defended. "Too many turns."

    I gave him a flat look. "You take Maple Road the entire way to his house. There's not a single turn."

    He parked on the side of the street near Holden's house. "Shut up." 

    We got out of the car and walked to his house. The evening was brisk and I was suddenly beginning to regret wearing a dress. I had to keep quiet because if I complained in the slightest Brenton would start his whole I told you so ramble, so I had no choice but to toughen it out.

    The minute we entered the house, Brenton was greeted by his lacrosse teammates. "Let's get wasted!" he exclaimed, immediately forgetting his promise to be the designated driver.

    I swiped the keys out of his hands before he could get too far. If they were kept in his care, they'd probably end up in one of the toilets. 

    Brenton rolled his eyes when he saw the displeased look on my face. "Don't be a buzzkill, Dan."

    "It's called being responsible."

    "Screw responsibility." Brenton grabbed two cups off a table filled with snacks, handing one to me. "You're going to have fun tonight."

    "Who's going to drive, idiot?"

    He ruffled my hair. "Don't worry about it. I'll get one of the sober guys to take us home. Now go have fun."

    I grabbed him by the collar before he could walk off. "You're leaving me?"

    "Go find Amber or go mingle." A serious look appeared on his face. "If you run into that dick, come find me. Okay?"

    "Brent, I'm not a little—"

    "Okay?"

    I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, okay."

    He grinned. "Good. Bottoms up."

    "No thanks."

    "If you come to my party, then you got to have fun," another voice said. Holden bumped fists with Brenton and smiled at me. "Glad you showed up. Care for a drink?"

    I held up my full cup. "I'm good."

    Holden grabbed two cups from the table and he handed me one. "Chug the first and then the second."

    "Like I said before, no thanks." Someone had to be responsible and if Brenton wanted to be an idiot then it was on me to make sure we got home in one piece.

    "Come on, Dani," Brenton whined.

    "Yeah, come on, Dani," Holden mimicked.

    I rolled my eyes at their childish behaviour, well aware the duo wouldn't stop pestering me until they got what they wanted.

    "Fine." 

    I gulped down the contents in my first cup, ignoring the burning sensation in my throat. I then did the same with the second cup, making the boys cheer.

    "Bet you can't do another," Holden said.

    I arched an eyebrow, my lips curving upwards. "Is that a challenge?"

    He chuckled. "Maybe it is."

    I swiped the cup out of his hands. "There's one thing you may not know about me." I took a swig, drinking the cup's entire contents in a single swallow. "I don't back away from a challenge."

    Holden watched me with amusement. "Is that so?"

    I nodded, feeling a little dizzy. "Try me, Rollins."

    He took my hands in his. "Then I challenge you to dance with me, Parker."

    I laughed. "You're on."

                        ~*~

    The entire night was spent with me running around and dancing like my life depended on it, despite the fact that I basically had two left feet. I couldn't remember a time I was this carefree. Or drunk out of control... The most intoxicated I had planned to get was tipsy, but tipsy was a state I had long since passed.

    After hours of drinking and dancing, I was hit with the overwhelming need to pee. Currently, I was walking around Holden's house in search of a bathroom. I knew his house was large, but I didn't remember it being this massive. Every door I came across was locked or had people in there doing things one shouldn't do at someone else's house. After several minutes of searching, I finally found it. I ran over to go inside, but the door was locked. I banged on the door repeatedly until it finally opened.

    Oh, how I wished I had just urinated out in the bushes.

    "I didn't think I'd see you here."

    Even in my drunken state, I felt goosebumps form on my arms and legs at the sight of him. I swallowed hard, trying to look as sober as possible. "Why don't we pretend you didn't and I'll be on my way?" I basically sprinted down the stairs to find the nearest exit. Unluckily for me, I wasn't fast enough.

    "Wait up." He grabbed my wrist to prevent me from going any further. "Can we talk?"

    "We just did. Bye." I didn't even care about peeing anymore, I just wanted to get as far away from him as I could.

    "Dani, please?"

    "No thanks."

    I rapidly walked to the back door and slipped outside. Holden's backyard was filled with people, but I didn't mind. It beat being alone with him. My head was spinning as I tried to remember where Brenton parked the car. I let out a sudden yelp when a hand clamped down on my shoulder.

    "Let's talk."

    He guided me away from the crowds of people to the side of Holden's house. With the Rollins' being loaded they not only bought this mansion of a house, but they bought the land surrounding it. The number of people at the party started to dwindle as he led me away from the party and towards the thick stretch of trees in the darkness ahead. I should have ran or screamed or something. Instead, I let him take me further and further away from civilization. My teeth chattered as a swift breeze blew past us. I seriously regretted not bringing a jacket.

    "You look amazing," he said after a while.

    I didn't turn to look at him. "You can barely see me."

    "I've missed you."

    "Too bad I can't say the same."

    He sighed. "Why won't you talk to me?"

    I spun on my heel to face him, upset that even in the dim lighting I could make out his heartbreaking face perfectly. "There's nothing to talk about, Cade. We are over. You and me? Done. Whatever we had no longer exists, so please leave me alone." I turned around to walk back to the party, but once again he grabbed me.

    "Dani, I miss you. I made a huge mistake, and there's not a day that goes by that I haven't regretted it. Please talk to me."

    I chomped down on my lower lip to prevent myself from being sympathetic. He was spewing out lies and I damn well knew it, yet something inside of me made me want to hear him out. "Goodbye, Cade."

    "Wait!" He placed his hands on my shoulders, slowly trailing his fingers down my arm. "I miss you," he breathed into my ear. I caught a whiff of alcohol in his breath and I was slightly thankful that this was a drunken stupor and not Cade sober.

    "Get off of me, you're drunk."

    He pressed his lips against my neck. "I can't stop thinking about you."

    "That really is a shame. Now get off of me."

    I tried to wriggle out of his grasp but he was holding me too tight. He grabbed my waist and pulled me into him. Before I had time to react, Cade kissed me. I tried to pull away as he shoved his tongue down my throat, but he was far bigger and stronger than me. Out of ideas, I smacked my forehead against his.

    "Yo, what the fu—"

    I punched him square in the jaw before he could finish. He let out an agonizing groan but I didn't care. "Don't touch me or talk to me ever again."

    The sound of clapping and laughter behind me made me instantly whip my head around. "If all parties are this entertaining then I might have to start going to them more."

    Out of the shadows and into the dim light stepped none other than James Hastings. He was dressed in a navy blue button-up with black jeans and what seemed to be his signature tousled hair. 

    Unsurprisingly a cigarette dangled between his lips. "Fancy seeing you here, neighbour."

    "Are you following me?" I demanded.

    "Don't flatter yourself now. I don't even know your name, why would I care to follow you?"

    I narrowed my eyes at him. "I don't know, but you sure seem to be doing it a lot, James."

    He simpered at me. "Ah, so you know my name. Maybe you're the one following me."

    "Guess again, idiot." I decided to leave and salvage what was left of my dignity.

    "Where are you going?" Cade asked.

    I didn't bother to spare him a glance. "Home."

    "But we aren't done talking!"

    "Didn't seem like you two were doing much talking," James remarked.

    "Mind your own damn business," Cade snapped. "Who the hell even are you?"

    "Asshole, meet James," I grumbled.

    "You know I never caught your name, neighbour," James said.

    I turned around to give him a sickly sweet smile. "And with any luck you never will."

    "Is that any way to treat your neighbour?"

    "Stop talking to my girl," Cade intervened.

    I raised my eyebrows. "You lost the rights to call me that a few months ago."

    "Come on, let's go." Cade grabbed my hand and pulled me with him.

    "It doesn't seem like she wants to go anywhere with you," James said.

    "I told you to mind your own damn business," Cade barked.

    James' lips curved upwards, an amused look on his face. "Or else what?"

    "Don't test me," Cade warned.

    A part of me felt like I should warn James about my ex-boyfriend's temper. Let's just say he was almost as bad as Brenton in that department.

    James chucked his cigarette butt at Cade's shoulder before I could say a word. "Too late."

    Too late indeed...

    Cade let go of my hand, and he lunged towards James. He launched his fist at James, who caught Cade's hand and spun him around, trapping him in a chokehold.

    "Let go of me!" Cade shouted as he tried to escape James' grasp.

    "Doesn't feel too good having someone force themselves on you, does it?" James tightened his grip. "I'm gonna let you go and either you stay and get your ass kicked, courtesy of me, or you walk away and we pretend this never happened."

    Cade didn't argue back so James released him, much to my dismay. I would have paid good money to watch someone beat the shit out of him. Cade didn't even turn back once and he returned back to the party. 

    James turned to me, a pompous look on his face. "A thank-you would be appropriate right about now."

    I pushed past him and walked back to the party. "I didn't need your help. I'm perfectly capable on my own."

    I heard footsteps as he caught up to me. "Judging by his potentially dislocated jaw, I'm sure you are. Not only was my tactic more effective, but I didn't dislocate any body parts in the process."

    "Fascinating."

    "You don't seem fascinated."

    "That might be because I'm not."

    "You should be."

    "Why?"

    "Because I'm fascinating."

    "And creative too I see."

    "Why thank you."

    "I was being sarcastic."

    "Doesn't matter, you still said it."

    "Leave me alone, you're giving me a headache."

    "Is the little girl already hungover?" he teased. "The night's still young."

    "I've had enough of tonight," I muttered. We were back at Holden's party and I was trying to recall where my car was.

    "How are you getting home?" he asked. I waved my car keys in front of his face in response. James snatched them out of my hand and slipped them in his jeans' pocket. "You're not driving home drunk."

    "I'm not drunk, so give me back my keys!"

    "Prove it."

    "What?"

    "Prove you're not drunk."

    I scrunched my forehead in confusion. "How?"

    "Walk to your car without stumbling."

    I shrugged my shoulders. "Deal." I took in a deep breath and walked. I nearly lost my balance, but I caught myself and continued. One foot in front of the other. Left, right, left, right, left, right. I squinted my eyes as I stared at the car in front of me. My vision was blurry, but I was pretty sure that was my jeep. "Hand me my car keys."

    James walked past me to the car a few cars in front of the one I was at. "Not only did you stumble, but judging by the remote on your keys, this is your car."

    "What?" I was beyond certain this was my car.

    "You own a grey jeep. That's a red truck."

    "It is?" I ran my hand over the hood of the car. "It's so pretty."

    "Unlike you. Come on, you drunkard." James led me to the passenger side of my car.

    "I don't wanna go inside," I grumbled.

    "Would you rather sit on the roof?"

    "Oh my gosh, can I?"

    "No. Get inside." He opened the door and pushed me in. "Put on your seatbelt."

    I folded my arms across my chest. "No, and you can't make me."

    "Suit yourself. Not my fault if you die." On that cheery note he shut my door.

    When James sat inside, he lit another cigarette. "You're going to die if you keep smoking," I warned.

    He gave me a flat look. "We've been over this, I don't care."

    "You should take your health seriously."

    "Am I really going to take advice from a girl who will likely die of liver failure?"

    I slumped in my seat. "Wait a minute," I said as he drove. "How do you know where I live?"

    "I know all, little drunkard."

    "What does that mean?"

    "What do you think?"

    I smiled. "Something nice?"

    "Kill me," he murmured.

    "Did you know banging your head against a wall burns one hundred fifty calories?"

    "Maybe you should try it," he suggested.

    "I will!" I leaned back before launching my head above the glove compartment.

    "Hey!" James swerved and pushed me back before I could make contact. "I was just joking."

    I frowned. "It wasn't a funny joke."

    "Thanks for the feedback."

    "Do you want to be a comedian?"

    "Stop talking to me."

    "That's not an answer."

    "No. Now stop talking to me."

    "Oh my God," I said as the realization hit me. "You're the chocolate milk thief!"

    "And you're the shit-face drunk."

    "I hope that milk gives you salmonella."

    "Big word for someone who doesn't know what a drunkard is."

    "Did you know banging your head against a wall burns one hundred fifty calories?"

    "Don't—"

    "Wanna see me try it?"

    He slowed down the car and parked it on my driveway. "Please wait until you're in the safety of your home before you attempt to injure yourself again."

    "I feel nauseous."

    "Of course you do."

    "I think I'm gonna puke."

    "Just don't do it on me."

    My stomach rumbled and I quickly opened the door. Before I could register what was happening, I hurled on my driveway. I thought I'd feel better after letting it all out, but I only felt sicker.

    "My mom is going to kill me."

    James got out of the car and made a disgusted face when he saw my upchuck. "Should've thought of that before you decided to go party."

    "Shut up."

    "I expect my thank-you gift tomorrow morning."

    "That's not happening."

    James began to walk to his house, but he stopped and turned around. "By the way, you have some vomit residue on your chin. Nighty night, neighbour."

Continue Reading

You'll Also Like

124K 3.4K 49
[Featured on @YARomance, @NA, @Teenfiction, @Contemporarylit] "I feel him lean closer towards me and softly whispers into my ear, 'I just want the be...
28.4K 2K 12
A beloved football player must find his anonymous hater to clear his name. ⋆☆⋆ Jake Tanner is a lover, not a fighter. Attractive, charming and popula...
78.5K 2K 72
"We fake date each other for two or three weeks then we have a public breakup." I think he's hit his head one too many times playing football. "Reall...
13.8K 916 58
An internal voice told me to "call him," but I chose not to. I dismissed it once more, saying, "He never liked me anyway." I am stuck in my dilemma...