(A break. though. chapter. is all I'm gonna say)
"i've never fell in love, ive saved those feelings for you, so let's do all the stupid shit that young kids do, it's me and you, you"
c l o v e r
I walked the sidewalk late at night letting the crisp air kiss my rosy cheeks. Could've been midnight maybe a little earlier. I couldn't stay in that house any longer, I've been with this family for three weeks maybe four, I'm not very good at keeping track. Two mothers, very very sweet women at the start, until I woke up one morning with the two of them looking over me.
"Get up sweetheart we need to get you in the bath."
I shivered remembering it, feeling the same panic I felt just days earlier. I would understand a mother bathing her child who is an infant, a toddler. I'm a twelve year old girl, I can bathe myself.
Heather held my arms 'gently' as Francesca forcefully removed my clothing. I kicked as much as I could leaving her with a few bruises. "Shh you're dirty honey, we need to wash off the evil." I thrashed harder and decided I didn't need to worry about being gentle, they were insane.
I found a dirty bench next to the main road and curled up into a ball finally letting myself cry.
"She is beginning to grow hair, shall we shave her?"
"How dare you. Have you touched yourself down there Celia? Have you?" They snapped at me calling me the name of a girl I've never heard of. They noticed I was red down there because the underwear they gave me was far to small, rubbing harshly on my inner thighs. They scrubbed and scrubbed until I was raw, they scrubbed the evil away..
"You're just a little girl you should not be growing breasts so soon." I covered my chest and sobbed in the water shaking my legs that were tied to the faucet.
"Our pretty girl."
I sat in that tub naked and freezing for two days. Heather came in and panicked when she found me, she untied me quickly and wrapped me in a blanket asking what had happened.
I sobbed hard into my arms and I hugged my knees to my chest finding it hard to breathe. I couldn't be bothered by the looks I knew I was getting, I was sobbing loudly but I couldn't bring myself to care.
"Oh whoa, hey are you alright?" I glanced up to see a boy around my age, my tears made him blurry but I could tell he couldn't be much older then me. I just shook my head and rested it back in my arms wishing a drunk driver would just swerve and end my pitiful excuse of life.
"Do you want me to walk you home or something?" I peeked up to see him looking around the dark town worriedly, "it's pretty dark and no offense, you're kinda small so." I sniffled back all the mucus in my nose and stood on shaky legs. I began walking the only way I knew.
Footsteps came after me and soon a boy maybe four or five inches taller than me was by my side. "I'm Lu-" he began a rough coughing fit and it made me smile slightly as he tried to repeat his name only getting out Lu Lu. "Hello Lu Lu I'm Clover." I didn't speak loudly, just loud enough for the both of us to hear. I suddenly made a sharp right secretly hoping he would follow.
"Nickname basis already? Sweet, I like your name by the way. Hey, why were crying back there?" He talked a lot, and quickly, and I felt like I was Sin and Luke was me. Always talking and annoying him. I miss my best friend.
"My life is horrible." I said simply with barely any emotion and continued to walk down the uneven sidewalk. Luke chuckled and kicked a stone. "I feel that, my dad just left actually." His humorous tone died out at the end of his sentence and I stopped walking to make sure he was okay.
I looked at his face to see the same sad eyes I've seen in so many people, including myself. He tried to cover up his sadness by being happy, by being nice and I admired him for that.
"Both of my parents died."
Lukes eyes widened and he turned to me quicker than I expected. "I'm so sorry, you win you're life is worse then mine." I smiled and opened my arms shaking my head, we shared a hug, one I both think we needed.
"It's no worse than yours, I'm sorry about your dad."
We continued walking in a comfortable silence until I made it to the only place that could even come close to a home. We walked up the creaky steps and I realized I forgot my key. I grabbed his hand and dragged him along the side of the house to the second story window where the little lamp was still on. I threw a little pebble at it and next thing I know my best friend was climbing down the tree beside his window.
"Clo?" Sin looked tired and when he realized it was me I was crushed in his arms, and a huge wave of emotion hit me. I felt the strong urge to cry, but not until I was inside, safe.
Before he could begin asking all of his questions I introduced him to my newly made friend. "Sin, this is Lu Lu, Luke this is Sin. He found me and walked me here." Luke gave a small smile and a stiff nod but Sin just pulled me back in his arms, hugging me against him as he observed Luke.
"You can leave now." I shook my head and tried to wiggle away from him but he wasn't having any of it. "Thank you Lu Lu, see you around?" With a final nod and a smile Luke walked away, walked all the way across the street and three houses down.
I guess we will be seeing him around.
I sat against Sins headboard as everything from the past few days hit me. I didn't tell him what they did to me, I just laid with him, letting him hold me. It was rough explaining to Tony that I 'didn't like' yet another home, but this time he was happy I was back. Even said he missed seeing me which was odd, I thought he hated me.
Sin didn't push the topic, all he knew was I sat tied up in a bathtub naked for two days, but he made me promise that I would one day explain everything.
I hope that day never comes.
I stared up at the ceiling as I laid on the comfortable yellow couch. I picked baby blue lights this time and Dean said they made my freckles stand out, Ive never been confident with my 'angel kisses' across my cheeks and nose.
"So where are you staying currently then?" I had just told him that I had a falling out with my 'friend' I was staying with and moved out. "Luke's, my childhood friends apartment." Dean nodded and glanced at my phone that buzzed for the third time in the matter of minutes. I decided to power it off and went back to my position on the couch.
I've been to see Dean two more times since the first and it's helped immensely.
"What kind of relationships have impacted you?" I let out a deep breath and played with my fingers on my chest. "And I ask this because relationships a person has and has gone through manipulates the kind of person they are in the present." I nodded understanding and went through my memories.
One name popped in my head over and over and as much as I would like to ignore it, he was my best friend for years. "When I first went to the home I was terrified, angry, and being so young I don't think I realized how depressed I had become." I blinked up at the ceiling letting my own words sink in.
At only seven years old I had felt completely alone, I was completely alone, but not for long.
"I had one friend for about eight or nine years, I have never met another person in my life who can comfort me like he can. Sin was always a pretty angry kid but as I got to know him I realized you can't judge someone based on the walls they protect themselves with." I glanced over to Dean to check that he was listening to my rambling, he was of course.
"I know wherever I go, whatever trouble I find myself in I can always go to him, he will always be there for me, and the same for him. I've never hated someone but felt so connected at the same time." I bit my lips slightly giving Dean a break, I know first hand how irritating my rambling can get.
"Carry on." I glanced at him from the corner of my eye.
"Sin protected me from Tony and he still protects me today. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't there." Tony could've gotten a lot further than he did, I could've been raped if it wasn't for Sin.
"How does this, Sin make you feel?" My therapist smirked and lifted one of his eyebrows awaiting my answer.
How does he make me feel?
"Okay let's work our way up to that, start from the beginning, when you're ready." He nodded encouraging me with a small smile. That's what's so great about Dean, he doesn't pressure me to tell him things, he makes it feel like we both are sharing and it's not just me.
"When I first met him I was scared, he had a 'leave me the hell alone' attitude even at nine. I remember Tony coming into my bedroom every night, and at one point I snuck into Sins room and fell asleep on his bed, I was maybe eleven and him thirteen. It became a common thing." I realized how odd it was saying it out loud, we were just kids and we slept in the same bed so so many times, but we didn't think anything of it.
"When I turned thirteen is when I started really having you know, like lovey dovey feelings for him. It was almost my fifteenth birthday, and Sin was about half way to eighteen when he was- he was sent away." I sat up leaning against the arm of the couch and hugged my knees slightly. I needed the extra comfort if I was going to talk about this.
"Every drug you could think of was found on him." I nodded bitterly letting the pathetic tear roll down my cheek. "Sin and I made a promise." I looked to Dean who seemed very invested in what I was saying. "When he turned eighteen he was going to get me out of the home and away from Tony, because Tony never took my virginity using the excuse I wasn't a woman until I was fifteen." Dean leaned closer, leaning his elbows on his knees.
"When he was sent away I couldn't believe it, he was clean the worst thing he did was smoke cigarettes and even then he was trying to quit, for me." I chuckled whipping away the tears and shook my head annoyed I let myself cry. "Anyway, Sin and I knew we liked each other, he was my first kiss, my first life changing best friend, and the last person I ever truly trusted with everything in me." I sniffled and turned my face to Dean who for the first time had a tiny bit of sympathy on his face.
"How did this boy impact you?"
"I never told him I was in love with him and I never told him he was the person who taught me how to love again. After my parents past I didn't have that care around, then being thrown into homes I knew none of those people cared for me, all my trust was gone in everyone." I smiled slightly, "Sin Eros saved my life."
I paused and looked down embarrassingly at my ripped jeans and played with the edges of the holes.
"You have spoken in past tense almost this entire time except for a few words, you feel connected to him, you're there for each other, he protects you, you can go to him, you hate him." I looked into the green eyes that seem to study me like crazy.
"Have you ever heard there's a thin line between love and hate? You my dear, are walking on that tightrope right now and wether you like it or not your little smiles, the happy sparkle in your eyes, and the passion you have when you speak of him are moving your feet for you in a biased direction. I believe and please stop me if I overstep, I believe you've been hurt by someone you trusted, the only person you trusted and now you have built your walls so high so can't hear them on the other side." Dean spoke so softly and I looked into his eyes and didn't see any hesitancy when he was speaking, like the words he was saying he truly believed.
"You're scared to trust him again despite everything telling you to just forgive him, you can't, and that's okay. I don't know who this brooding mr. tough guy is Clover, but I've spent a total of maybe seven hours with you so far all together, and not once have I seen you speak so passionately and filled with emotion."
Dean stood from his chair and walked to me squatting right in front of the couch so we were almost face to face.
"You're still that strong little girl who went through too much but now you're tougher, you're smarter, you protect yourself because he wasn't there. Trust Clover, it's so hard to earn and so easy to loose, I see anger in you. You want to know what I see when you speak of this boy? Longing, life is too short sweetheart, people change themselves in order to not be hurt, you're still that happy kind little girl, and I promise if you dig deep enough you will find that boy you fell in love with the first time."
Dean smiled gently and pulled a tissue from the box on the table handing it to me. I wiped away the water that trailed down my cheeks.
"He is so different, he-he is so angry with me all the time now." I spoke with a shaky voice and looked at him through watery eyes. "Start over, learn why he is angry, why he is different, tell him why you're angry with him and why you're different. Clover I don't know this boy, I've never seen you together, and you can blame it all on me if it doesn't work but please, humor me and give it a chance. Let your beautifully built walls down for just one day, maybe just an hour and tell me how you feel." I smiled slightly and nodded slowly before wrapping my arms around him to which he returned by awkwardly patting my back. Dean is not such a great hugger I've learned.
"Thank you." I whispered and of course he heard it. "What are friends for?" I pulled away to see him smile and I returned it. Friends, I like that. Before I got a chance to leave Dean stopped me and I knew exactly what he was going to ask. "What's your name?" I give him the same answer every time and I can't think of anything else he could want. "Clover." He gave me a sad smile and nodded.
"Hey, how was talking with your feelings doctor?" Luke was sitting on the couch when I walked in munching away on my popcorn. I plumped down next to him grabbing the bag and taking some popcorn closing my eyes, I'm tired. "It was eye opening?" I felt his eyes on me and a smile grew on my face knowing he was confused.
Loud footsteps came down the hall and tiny bits of popcorn flew from my mouth when a large body fell on mine. I whined trying to shove him off and Oscar just shimmied his butt on my lap grunting about how comfy the 'couch' was.
"Get- off I cant breathe you Buffalo." I shoved his back sending him right into the floor. I sucked in a big breath and returned the glare I was receiving from Oscar.
Oscar has nasty purple bruises on his face still but he swears to me they no longer hurt. I don't believe him because I see him every once in a while with pained facial expressions then slightly touching the areas.
Luke began coughing loudly hitting his chest and when he finally got the popcorn unstuck he crumpled the bag throwing it on the table. "Fucking hell." I giggled and laid down resting my legs on his lap. Oscar found a seat on the other smaller couch in the room and my stomach grumbled making me realize I hadn't eaten today.
"What's for dinner?" I asked lifting my head to look at the two boys. Luke and Scar looked at each other and slumped their shoulders ignoring my question. "How about a pizza?" I thought about it for a moment before nodding my head and getting up expecting them to do the same.
"You wanna go get it for us C? Eh?" Luke poked my tummy with his finger wearing a cheesy smile and I stood unamused. "Yeah we'll time you, bet you can't get it and be back in thirty minutes." Oscar waggled his eyebrows and smirked even going as far as to wink very slowly and awkwardly. I scrunched my nose at his odd expressions and shook my head.
"You know what I'll go get it just so I don't have to see that again." Luke laughed and stood up probably going to get his wallet. I waited by the door slipping on one of their hoodies since it was dark and probably getting a little chilly. Luke came back dressed in some sweatpants instead of his pajamas and slipped on his coat. "Just messing with you Clo, I won't let you go alone." I smiled and nodded saying a quick bye to Oscar before leaving.
Luke's apartment is right in the city so it's not hard to find a pizza place that's close by. We decided to walk instead of taking his car.
"How you doing C, honestly." Luke bumped my shoulder and I looked around a bit before answering. "Confused." I smiled even if we both knew it was fake and Luke nodded seeming to understand why.
I looked around letting the stars, neon signs, and street lights keep my spirit up. A group of loud men throwing glass bottles were walking in the opposite direction of us on the sidewalk and I couldn't process anything before Luke laced our fingers and switched our spots so he would be closest to them.
We walked together and he gripped my hand a little tighter when the rowdy group passed, as soon as he felt they were far enough he let my hand go and wiped his sweatpants with a grossed out look. "Never again." I knew he was kidding and instead decided to shove him into the fence next to us and continue walking without him.
The loser caught up to me and of course began speaking. "You know C, you have been one of my best friends for five years and I don't think I've ever thanked you, for everything you know?" I stopped walking and looked up at him, the neon sign just above me betrayed him showing the tiny bit of water on the edge of his eyes. "Aw Lu Lu don't cry," I stood on my tip toes and wrapped my arms around his neck and he wrapped his around my shoulders holding me tightly.
"What's the matter?" I whispered and was surprised when he hugged me tighter. Luke has always been there, he's like Oscar apart of my very small family.
Luke pulled away and my heart dropped when a tear rolled down his cheek. He chuckled and whipped it away shaking his head. "I just need you to know how important you are, you annoy the fuck out of me but you're the closet thing I have to a family, I don't know where I would be if I didn't have you breathing down my neck all the damn time." We both chuckled and I couldn't help but tackle him into another hug.
"I L word you Clo." I giggled and little tears built up, goodness why am I always crying. Luke doesn't just throw around the word to everyone I don't think he's ever said it out loud. "I love you too."
After the little moment Luke swore to never hug me ever again because and I quote 'it's worse because I do know where you've been' and he was rewarded with a kick in the chin.
We arrived at the pizza place and I can only imagine Oscar impatiently pacing the apartment awaiting his pizza.
We bought the pepperoni pizza and a pineapple one just for Scar and headed back. "Fuck, this is hot." Luke kept bouncing the pizza off his hands and complaining about the heat. I just pulled the hoodie sleeves over my hands and held the pizza that way.
My hoodie was pulled back and for a second I thought I had caught myself on the fence. I turned around and came face to face with two familiar men. "We need to talk." Kellan said seriously and before I could ask him what he was talking about Luke beat me to it. "Bro," he groaned, "our pizza is gonna get cold, beat it." I ignored him and looked at Jax who was staring intently at me.
Sin wants him dead, so why is he standing in front of me right now.
"Call me as soon as you get back to wherever." Kellan told me seriously and I nodded absentmindedly. I walked away confused. Jax got his ass kicked by Sin, then stood me up on our coffee date, where has he been this whole time?
A loud noise caught my attention and the pizza box opened and flipped over on the ground made me have to hold in my laugh. Luke looked hopeless and turned to the few cars that drove down the street. "Run me the fuck over, please." He whined.
Idiot.
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I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter!! If you did pleas vottte!!
I feel like this was an eye opening chapter for clover and I'm so excited!!
Xoxo
L