I know Rahim is rich, like rich-rich. Way back in college I could only see his stuffs in any statement brand, lahat mamahalin. It's like he is made for those. Lahat naman kasi iyon kapag sinuot, hinawakan o kahit man lang ipatong sa kanya ay parang paid endorsement agad ang dating. That's how mighty he can be.
And I thought that's only when I was in college and he's in law school that time.
Pero ngayon? Looking at him leaning on a high-end brand car, Ferrari F8 Spider? I think. I saw one of those from a high-end magazine. Let's not talk about why I seek those kind of reading materials.
Nakasilid sa bulsa ang isa niyang kamay habang ang isa ay hawak ang mamahaling briefcase niya. He's also looking grim. Exposed pa ng bahagya ang dibdib niya dahil sa hindi na nakabutones ang tatlong butones ng dress shirt niya.
"Let's go." Ang malalim niyang boses habang sinasabi iyon, ang pang-itaas na katawan ay bahagyang nakahilig sa matingkad na dilaw na sasakyan. That cost millions! Dios mio! How can he possibly drive that in the streets of Metro Manila?
"Monique." Napapitlag ako sa kanyang pagtawag sa akin kaya ng ibalik ko ang tingin ko sa kanya at halos manlambot na ako. Hindi ko alam kung saan malulula, sa mga mamahaling bagay na nakapaligid sa kanya o sa mga mata niyang sinusuri pa ako.
The night in his eyes is possibly the most beautiful darkness I could ever see. Hindi ko 'rin minsan maisip why did we ended up this way.
Nine years ago, I know he's too far for me to reach. I'm such a mediocre in the making filled with my remorse of my childhood, while he... he's just too perfect to begin with.
Ngayon, looking at him and how he shines so brightly with all the things that inclined to him. I feel like dehydrating on the insides of me. Pakiramdam ko sobrang layo niya sa akin. I feel so detached in a way that he's too far to reach... dahil sa lahat ng bagay na meron siya, kahit pa man noon.
Grabe, dalawang araw ko pa lamang siyang nakakasama sa lagay na ito pakiramdam ko hindi na maganda ang nangyayari sa akin. With all these thoughts; eto ang pilit ko na iniiwasan sa mga nagdaang taon.
When I think, I think too much and worry to the depths of extent that I can't control it anymore.
"Monique, get in."
"How about my car?"
"We'll be back here after that. Or I can drive you here tomorrow if we get late on the road." Nanlaki ang mata ko dahil sa sinabi niya. I thought dinner lang ito? Bakit kami gagabihin?
Mapapa-Yes! Lord! Oh! God! More! Jesus!
I flicker my eyes on how my left side devil slash angel whispers those sinful remarks on my subconsciousness! Goodness! Nica!
Hindi na ako naka-angal pa ng pagbuksan niya na ako ng pinto para sa shot gun seat. I look at him and sigh deeply in defeat. Hindi naman kasi ako nakakapalag sa kanya. He's tough! And he literally doesn't take no for an answer. If you won't say yes, he will make you.
Kung magarbo na ang labas ng kotse, pati ang loob ay halatang milyon-milyon ang ginastos. Pakiramdam ko kasalanan ang huminga sa loob dahil baka masira ang hangin na nag-veventilate sa buong sasakyan.
"Put your seatbelt." Napatitig ako sa kanya ng panandalian bago sundin ang inutos niya. He tosses his briefcase at the passenger seat sa likod bago binuhay ang makina ng sasakyan. Even the roar of the car engine screams luxury! I wonder what kind of fuel is he using. Ginto 'rin ba?
Tahimik lamang akong naupo roon ng umandar na ang kotse niya. I look at him for a moment and then look straight, trying to control my senses and the temptation to look at him.
He's slouching, fluidly maneuvering the car na tila kabisado ang bawat parte ng sasakyan. How his rock hand lazily held the steering wheel like it's some kind of shaft of the modern era?
Isang kalabog sa dibdib ko ay alam ko na agad na hindi maganda ang epekto niya sa akin. He's not even looking at me. He's eyes are set on the road ahead of us. Habang ako ay parang maiihi na dito, hindi dahil sa lamig kundi dahil sa kaba sa presensya niya pa lamang.
I keep quite the whole time, siya man ay palihim 'ding tumitingin sa akin pero hindi ko na sinimulan pang magsalita o bumuo ng topic. In the first place hindi ko 'rin naman alam kung sinong demonyo ang nagtulak sa akin na sumama sa kanya.
Why do we act like nothing ever happened? Bakit ganito?
Nag-park ang kotse niya sa basement ng isang condominium. I look at how high-end it is habang siya ay dere-deretso lamang na kinalas ang seatbelt niya.
Napitlad ako ng bigla na lamang niyang ilapit ang mukha sa akin. Ang isang kamay ay nilagay sa likod ng upuan ko. I want to gasp at his action pero natuptop na ako sa kinauupuan ko. The shiver on my spine and all those rumble on my stomach loom in me in an instant na akala mo hindi halos isang dekada iyong nawala sa akin.
I had my relationships after him pero hindi kasing intense nito. His effects on me is beyond understanding na mas lalo lamang akong nabo-bobo kapag iniisip ko pa iyon.
"Leave any valuables here in the car. Your handbag, phone and wallet. Just bring yourself." His breath smells like mint and a distinct scent na halos magpangatog sa tuhod ko. Kung wala lang ang handbag ko sa hita ko ay baka nakita na niyang nanginginig ako.
He then withdraws his body from the short distance between us at kinalas sa isang galaw ang seatbealt ko. My breath is twitching because of his actions, kasabay ng bawat tibok ng dibdib ko.
Nakita kong inilagay niya ang phone niya sa dash board ng sasakyan at wallet niya roon after flipping some crispy thousand bills from it. Lumabas na siya ng kotse ng walang pasabi at bahagya pa akong natanga kung paano buksan iyong pinto sa gilid ko! This car and its advancement! Nangangain ng tanga!
He's watching me from the other side of the car while going out from it. Bahagya pa akong nahiya at inisip kung masyado ba akong matagal bago nafigure-out kung paano buksan iyong kotse.
"Wait." He said at muling may kinuha sa backseat ng sasakyan. Pagkalabas niya ay inihagis niya sa akin ang isang full-length coat, ang amoy niya agad ang unang rumihistro sa akin. Those strong concentration of manly fragrance evaporated and touch my nasal cavity.
"Use that. It's cold. I don't like the idea of hugging you while walking, masyadong hassle. I guess that will do." Parang lumuwa ang mga mata ko ng walang kahiya-hiya niya pa iyong sabihin sa akin bago umikot sa kotse at lumapit sa akin.
"Teka-"
"What?"
"I'm already wearing a long sleeve, attorney."
"The clothe is too thin. I can almost see the lining of your bra from here. Not that I actually stare at it, it's too obvious."
I flush by how coolly he let those words out from his mouth. Agad kong itinakip sa akin ang coat at tinginan siya ng masama. He just shows me that infamous smirk of him na akala mo biyaya ng Diyos sa mundo.
Nagsimula na siyang maglakad papaalis sa harapan ko kaya naman hindi ko na napigilan na sundan siya.
He even put his hands in his pockets na akala mo isang Korean idol na naglalakad sa isang drama. Damn him and his normal but fascinatingly beautiful moves!
We're in the city of Manila. The dark streets are illuminated by some lights hanging on the trees. Mukhang isang romantic venue ang parteng ito ng syudad. Ang katabing city hall ay matayog 'din lalo pa ang tore na may kulay pulang orasan doon.
Nadaanan pa naming ang iilang unibersidad na kasama sa U-Belt. I suddenly miss my alma mater on Taft Ave. Pakiramdam ko ay sobrang tanda ko na habang tinitignan ang mga unibersidad na iyon.
Medical field will really snatch you the luxury of time. But all I can say is it's worth all the years of repeatedly dying because of school works when you can save a person's life.
I look at him at prente lamang siyang naglalakad sa gilid ko. He's face is stoic at deretso ang tingin sa daan. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin sinusuot ang coat niya at inilagay lamang iyon sa aking dibdib. He and his words are really vulgar! Walang filter!
We stayed silent, not awkward, I guess. But silent while we walk under the street lights of Manila. Where not to close but we are not that afar either.
I suddenly wonder what would have happened if hindi nangyari iyon? What if nine years ago we could have done something to prevent things from collapsing into unfortunate faith.
Hindi ko na naman mababago ang nakaraan but the guilt trip and all those undead memories keeps haunting me like a fresh flesh alive in the back of my mind.
Huli na ng mapansin ko na halos nalakad na namin ang Intramuros. I can see the Puerto Real Gardens on the side and some of the field na visible sa fences sa tabi. The old and antique stone that comprises the entrance is nostalgic.
I suddenly feel sentimental ng mapagtanto kung bakit kami nandito... or at least recall what had happened between us in this place. Ang galing naman din niya pumili. Char ades ba ito? Guess what memory had happened here?
At mas lalong lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko ng maabot naming ang isang sikat na food chain. In red and white colors, amoy na amoy ko na agad ang chicken joy mula pa lamang sa labas.
Here, I thought that he would bring me to something fancy, pero heto kami nasa tapat ng isang fast food kung saan kami madalas kumain noon.
He didn't even ask me kung doon ko gustong kumain! Bigla akong nagsisi na hindi ako nagdala ng sarili kong pera and worse bakit ba ako sumama sa kanya!
He just entered the fast food chain ng hindi man lang ako inaantay. It's already past seven in the evening at halos mga estudyante ang laman noong fastfood, some in uniforms and some are civilians pero base sa lanyards nila they are all from some universities nearby.
Iyong mga babae ay halos mabali ang leeg ng tuluyan na kaming—siyang makapasok sa loob. Girls drool him, kahit humihinga lang naman siya at nakatayo doon.
"You find us a seat. I'll order the usual." He said and pave his way papuntang counter. Usual? Wow, ah. That's nine years ago. So much for usual.
Nakita ko pa na halos mag-unahan ang mga babae na pumila sa likod niya. He on the other hand is dozing off into another dimension dahil halos wala naman siyang pakialam.
I manage to take a sit on the table in the far corner, malapit sa bintana at tanaw ang labas. I look at the familiar Starbucks on the adjacent side of the road and feel nostalgic about everything.
"Here." I look at Rahim when he places the tray of food in front of me. Umupo naman siya sa tabi kong upuan kaya parang gusto ko na lamang idikit ang sarili sa salamin sa tabi ko because of his massive frame ay nagdidikit kami kahit pa may agwat na ng bahagya ang upuan namin.
Inilapag niya ang isang plato ng chicken joy sa tapat ko. The fries on my side and a cup of sundae samantalang ang soft drinks ay nasa kabilang gilid ko naman niya ipwinesto.
I look at him while he does all those stuff for me and suddenly his figure nine years ago personified right in front of me. The younger version of him, in those optical matte black glasses, longer hair na hati sa gitna and his favorite brand of sweatshirts.
My memories of him is suddenly betraying me when I can even see my files of notes on the side of the table, ang ipads naming at ang folders niyang punong-puno ng cases at yellow paper.
I bite my lower lips ng maramdaman ko ang pag-iinit bigla ng lalamunan ko. When he's done arranging our food ay nilingon naman niya ako. With a questioning stare at me.
"Eat Monique. I know na hindi ka kumain sa buong shift mo kanina."
"How do you know I didn't eat?"
"I was watching you the whole morning and afternoon. I'm frustrated that you're depriving yourself kahit pa katiting na oras na lamang para kumain."
"I'm in the middle of my work, those people-"
"You're a person too. If they need to be taken care of, you also do. Gusto mo ba ako pa ang mag-alaga sayo?"
Natahimik ako sa huli niyang sinabi. Inilingan niya pa ako bago tuluyang masimulang kumain. We eat in silent like how we used to. Tahimik pero hindi nakakailang.
The sadden glumness in me lurk like a poison on my veins, travelling into my system and running through my blood. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sinikap na maubos ang pagkain sa harapan ko. I feel nauseated by the things that are in front of me. Tapos si Rahim ay akala mo nag-shoshoot ng isang commercial dahil sobrang gwapo niya habang nakain samantalang ako parang constipated na ewan dito!
"Are you done? Finish your ice cream." Para akong bata na pinapagalitan niya at inuutusan na ubusin ko ang kinakain ko.
Wala akong choice kundi ubusin iyon dahil baka mamaya hindi kami umalis dito. Kahit wala ng mapaglagyan iyon ice cream ay pilit ko pa 'ring inubos iyon.
I'm not a heavy eater! Sobrang onti ko lang nga kumain!
"Let's go." He said at tumango lamang ako sa kanya.
Until we reach back to the basement of the hospital ay walang nagsalita sa amin. Though the silent is bearable it's still cold somehow. Alinlangan pa akong sumilip sa kanya ng tuluyan na niyang ihinto ang kotse.
"A, attorney. Thank y-you sa dinner. You don't need to this again." I said at halos kagatin ko na ang dila ko dahil sa pagkakautal.
Nang pinukol niya sa akin ang mata niya ay parang mas lalo lamang kaong nalamig sa loob ko. His looks at me screams that he doesn't like what I had just said. At parang kakawala na ang puso ko sa mga titig niya pa lamang.
"I will take you to dinner every time you do this Monique. I won't get tired of pestering you if you don't take care of yourself. You will be forced to accept me taking care of you. No questions, no buts."
"Doktora bakit ka nagtatago diyan?" Halos mapatalon ako sa kinatatayuan ko ng makita si Rissa sa tabi ko. I fix my composure first and fake a cough before looking at her.
"Hindi ako nagtatago, Rissa. Bakit mo naman nasabi iyon?" I said and try to act cool. Inayos ko pa ang coat ko pati na rin ang laylayan ng suot kong scrub sa loob noon. Tinaasan niya pa ako ng kilay at tinanaw ang entrance na sinisilip ko kanina. I mean! I'm not waiting for anyone! Nagawi lang talaga ako dito!
"E, kanina ka pa parang tuod diyan doktora na nasilip sa entrance! sino bang inaantay mo?"
"Wala! Wala akong inaantay—"
"Good morning, Attorney! Masarap ba ng breakfast mo? Ung tipong kasing sarap ko?"
Para akong nanigas dahil sa sinabi ni Rissa. Suddenly the atmosphere becomes humid because of his aura. Para siyang may dalang bagyo ng maramdaman ko siya sa gilid ko. Lalo pang lumakas iyong tibok ng puso ko ng makita ko na siya at maamoy sa kinatatayuan ko.
"Good morning, Nurse Rissa." Magalang na sabi niya pa sa nurse sa harap ko. Ako naman ay parang naestatwa na sa gilid niya. His baritone voice can even send the adult nurse in orgasm!
When he finally faces me ay para akong namlalambot sa titig pa lamang niya sa akin. I look at him and try my best to reciprocate his stares at me kahit pa parang nagtatambling na sa loob ko ang mga laman-loob ko.
"Dr. Roque and I have an appointment this morning. Can I borrow her for a few hours?" Nanlaki ang mata ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Si Rissa naman ay parang mangingisay sa kilig sa seryosong mukha ni Rahim.
"Sure, attorney. Kahit huwag niyo ng ibalik si doktora!" she said in a high-pitch voice. Bahagya pa siyang humagigik as I flush on her remarks. Rahim fixes his glasses and scratches his nose for a bit bago bumaling ulit sa akin.
"Let's go, Dr. Roque," I look at him at tumango lamang siya kay Rissa bago lumakad na pauna.
"Doktora, huwag quickie, a. Sulitin mo! Hangga't maari sukatin 'tas ambunan mo naman kami ng blessing ni Lord." Pinamulahan ako ng mukha ng sabihin niya iyon.
When I look at Rahim ay inaantay niya na ako ay parang gusto ko na lamang lumubog sa kinatatayuan ko.
Mas lalo yatang akong namula ng suriin niya ako! I'm in my hospital scrub! Damn it! Bakit ba ganyan siya makatingin?!
Nagsimula na akong maglakad sa likod niya at ng pumasok kami sa loob ng conference room ay nakita kong ibinaba niya agad ang briefcase niya sa long table.
"I'll call for breakfast delivery, may gusto ka bang kainin?"
Pakiramdam ko nalaglag na ang panga ko dahil sa sinabi niya. He even fetch his latest model of Iphone from his pocket at nagsimulang magkalikot doon. And here I thought he get what I told him yesterday!
"Attorney, no need—"
"Monique, you need to eat your breakfast. Anong gusto mong kainin? Or am I gonna force you to eat again?"
"Attorney—"
"Stop being stubborn, Monique. You need to eat! Or-"
"Ibrahim!"
Parehas kaming natahimik dahil sa sigaw ko. My voice is lease with irritation at papgpipigil sa kanya.
I look at him and feel guilty ng maging madilim ang mga mata niya sa akin. I can feel my heart beat pulsating in my chest habang ang mga titig niya sa akin ay nagbabanta na.
"Please. Let's keep our professionalism intact. We're at the hospital. I'm a doctor here and you're our medical lawyer. Let's refrain from crossing our boundaries when we're supposed to be working." I said at kinagat ang dila ko sa loob ng bibig.
He stayed silent while looking at me. Ang bahagya niya pang pagpipigil sa pagtatangis ng panga ay mas lalong nagpakita kung gaano kalakas ang dating niya. Ang mga mata niya at tila tinatantya ang bawat gagawin ko.
"I'm sorry, Ibrahim. But let's not put our personal issues in this—"
"Issues Monique? Issues?" ako naman ang natuptop ngayon sa sarili kong kinatatayuan dahil sa sinabi niya. I look at him as I feel apologetic for unknown reasons.
"Ibrahim, please."
"I'm trying to reach you, again."
And we both fell into silence dahil doon. I look at him at iniwas na niya ang tingin niya sa akin. Pakiramdam ko may kung anong kumirot sa dibdib ko habang tinitignan siyang iniwas ang tingin sa akin.
Why now? Why not after all the years that had passed by? Bakit ngayon lang?
"I'm trying to win you back. I want to make it up to you for the years that I can't provide and be with you." Pakiramdam ko mas nadurog sa loob ko dahil sa sinabi niya. His voice is full and stoic pero tumagos iyon sa akin habang tinitignan niya ako while spitting those words out.
It's really true that you couldn't get what you want in the easiest way possible. When you want to combine two monomers in order to build a new one you have to remove the water molecule for the macromolecules to be bonded by a covalent bond.
And dehydration synthesis is the best scientific correlation of how life works. In order to be better and bigger, some sacrifices are given. You have to let go of money, friends or even love ones if you want to achieve something.
And now here it is materializing right in front of me. Our conflicts are resurfacing in front of us. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat gawin pero hindi nito pwedeng ma-apektuhan ang trabaho ko.
Our past shouldn't intrude with what we have now. We are older and our responsibilities grow along with us.
"Monique, what should I do? If I can't be with you this time? When is the right time?"
"Rahim..."
"I know my faults that's why I'm here. Andito ako sa ospital na ito just so I could be closer to you." Para akong nalililyo ng lumapit pa siya sa akin. His looks are making me tremble on my knees. Ang mga mata ay tutok na tutok sa akin as he looks down on me and step closer. Para akong natuod sa kinatatayuan ko dahil sa mga titig niya.
"Baby... tell me so I would know..."
"Rahim, please..."
"I can't keep myself on the right track and follow my job description only when in the first place, I'm here because of you. I can't help but fuck myself up and be drawn to you..."