Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?
'Cause I always do
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I've thought it through
-Arctic Monkeys
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I woke up before dawn. Through the night my mind was rambling with thoughts and I just wanted to get up as soon as I could. I look down at the tangle of the grey duvet and our legs. I look to my left side, Zayn still sleeping.
His right hand was beneath his head and his left was lightly holding my waist. It’s only a few times that I have seen him sleeping and every time my breath is caught in my throat looking at this beautiful man, who looks so guarded and powerful on the outside and looks like a small kiddo while sleeping.
I turn to face him completely. His hold on my wait becomes tight but he is still sleeping. His long inky hair falling on his face in a very natural way making him look so handsome. His lips parted and eyes curtained with those big eye lashes.
I trace my fingers on his face feeling the warmth which is making me hot and in need of him, lightly kissing his lips I pull way without making a noise. I decided to take a shower and make coffee for both of us.
We have too much to talk I hope everything will goes right.
I strip of when the water is hot enough to make me flinch. I stand in the hot stream of water thinking about how could this conversation probably go. We both assume things and never talk about them.
We always do this and he always makes decisions without telling me or asking me. I always asked him to share things with me but he didn’t ever do so. I know he is scared about how I will react but he needs to tell me sometimes if not always.
And now he has ended up lying to me. This is something that I can’t let go.
The glass door slides and he enters inside. I don’t turn to look at him or don’t even react when his naked body hugs me from behind.
His breathing was ragged and his body was hot and still.
He moves my hair to one side kissing my shoulder and I let him. His hands start to roam but I stop him from going any further. His hand stays still on my stomach.
“We need to talk.” My voice was small and unsettled.
“We have the whole day to talk.” Were his first words.
“My emotions are not at bay Zayn.” He turns me around holding my hair and chin to make me look up at him.
“Mine too” his eyes were dark with so many emotions and fear is one of them.
His jaw clenching and the veins on his neck are showing. I stare at him seeing his heart is also hurting like mine.
“Sex will not turn things right Zayn.” He closes his eyes still holding me in his steal grip. The water was so hot that his skin turns red, I know mine too has but we didn’t bother about it.
I touched his face, he opens his eyes which are pleading for so many things.
“Hold me Faith. I need you.”
I hugged him instantly feeling his heartbeat is as fast as mine. His hold is tight on me like I will go away from him any moment.
Tears freely stream down my face, he inhales deeply in the crook of my neck but didn’t make any move to kiss me or touch me. We both our naked but the wall of differences is very strong.
***
We both sat on the carpet floor by the fireplace in the living room with coffee in our hands.
Zayn was wearing a sweat shirt and bottoms looking his sexy self, I on the other hand was in grey leggings with a sweater.
He looks at me for a while when I was busy staring at the fire. He was guarded after our shower quickly after wearing his clothes he went downstairs and was smoking in the backyard.
“Tell me what is bothering you.” He said sipping his coffee.
“So many things that I don’t know where to start.”
“Tell me from the start.”
I gulped looking at him.
“Why were you lying?”
“I wasn’t sure how you would react and I thought I will tell you when the right time would come.”
“Looks like that time was never going to come.”
He sighs pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Tell me about her?” I ask.
“You’re sure?”
“Yes damn it!” I almost throw my cup in frustration.
“We had a fling in university while I was doing my majors, she was also in a few of my classes. I liked her.” I took a sharp intake of breath. My hands were shaking but I tell him to go on.
“I asked her out and she said yes. We both had many things in common and I liked being with her in those days. My first sexual encounter was with her.”
“I hate her…I hate her so much.” I sipped my coffee trying to subside my jealously towards her.
“We both broke up by the end of the second semester because of my personal problems and I just didn’t want to hang out with her. I told her I needed space and she obliged. But after that I came here to London.”
“Why did you start meeting her again.”
“She is working for me…I told you that in Bradford. She is the head supervisor there.”
“Why her?”
“She is independent and I want someone I know to supervise while I am in London. She approached me two months back.”
“Why didn’t you tell me then?”
“It wasn’t important. I never thought she will ever be the problem of one of our many arguments.”
“Of course you wouldn’t have.” I give a fake laugh.
“Don’t talk to me like that.” His voice was stern. I ignored his plea
“Do you have feelings for her now?”
“No! good god. Have a little trust on me.” his voice made me flinch.
“I have no feelings for anyone. She is long gone from my life. And now we only have a professional relation that’s it.”
“Maybe she has feeling for you even now?”
“God damn it woman! I don’t know and I don’t care. I only care what you feel. Is it too much to ask?”
“Then why did you escort her out?” he curses under his breath.
“That was my only mistake. I did that. I should have let her go when the whole dining hall was staring at me. I should have declined like a gentleman. And every god damn person knows that we were there as a team and I assure if I declined to escort her out, it would have made a loop hole for our company.”
I close my mouth and open again to say anything but nothing comes out.
I felt so stupid. I always doubt him. But I don’t like her near him and I think I did the right thing questioning him but now I feel guilty.
But when I was talking to George he was furious about nothing in particular and I still have so many reasons. Still I feel stupid.
“Why can’t you tell me these things so my head won’t work like a jealous girlfriend.”
“I wish I knew you would react like this. I would have told you earlier.” He sighs gripping his hair.
I move closer to him, he moves his arm around me, pulling me closer.
“Are there anymore girlfriends hidden in your past?”
“No”
“I still don’t like her…and I really don’t want her to work for you, but I get it. I trust you. And I am sorry for doubting you.” I said looking down toying with the thread of my sweater.
“Woman you drive me insane. You know that right?”
“You too.” I said looking up at him, his eyes boring in mine.
“And you making me walk around with some blue balls throughout the party and after that when I try to undress you from that dress you cut me out. Do you have any idea how much I suffered last night. And seeing you cry is further more worst. It cut me open and left me bleeding. I know I hurt you but that was unintentional. Just trust me with a few things baby. You gave me this promise ring and I am still wearing it. Respect that ring and please trust Me.” he touches his nose with mine inhaling deeply.
“Please. I am trying to sort everything out.”
“I trust you.” He kisses me deep and hard making me squirm.
But his kiss told me that there are some untold promises and the way his hands were shaking fearing something deep which I was unaware about.
“I thought about seeing a shrink.” He looks at me pulling me in his lap. I sit with my both legs on his sides. We are both face to face. Our breaths, matching.
“Tell me.”
“I think I will see a shrink but I don’t know…I am confused and scared.” I look at him.
“We will go for the couple counseling and you can have some sessions alone if you wish.”
“How will I tell someone about my past and suicide and—“he cuts me off by cupping my cheeks. “Hey…we don’t have to tell them. You can skip what you want to. He is the doctor he will figure out and he will ask you everything at the right time. You don’t have to tell him anything you are not comfortable about.”
“I know someone…I am seeing him for a long time. When my grandmother died someone suggested me to see him. He is somewhat my friend now but a bit older. He knows everything Faith.” I understand by everything he means everything about our past.
“Okay I will go.” I said and there is the smile on his face which I was missing.
“You made my day.” He kisses me deeply pulling me closer. I kissed back.
“I am going to take you back to the bedroom and fuck you. Got a problem tell me now?” he says seriously with lust in his eyes.
His hands are already in my sweater unhooking my bra. I shake my head.
“Good.” With that he didn’t stop until we reach back upstairs.
With all the differences still there in the air, my biggest concern is him hiding things. I saw the fear in his eyes while he was telling me about me trusting him.
I saw it. But why was he scared I have no idea. I hope he tells me someday. I am still not sure about Victoria though but somewhere I know Zayn will never cheat on me but its Victoria I don’t trust. I hate her. I am being a jealous girlfriend but that’s how it is.
She is his ex and someone who Zayn had his first sex encounter with. That’s what concerns me, what if she still has feeling for him and tries something. Thank god she is in Bradford or else I don’t know what I would have done by now.
But right now I will let that feeling go because Zayn had too much on his plate. I will focus on tomorrow my first ever internship and on Zayn who loves me with all my flaws.
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Author's note; hiii guys hope you like the chapter and comment and vote. happpyyy holliiddayyysss hope guys have blast on Christmas. Merry Christmas enjoy! check out the banner i made! xx
love you all.