Sunlight.
I have always loved that. I loved how the sun was my wake up call every morning whenever it hit my eyes. The heat that touches my skin when I'm out in the sea. The lively color of my hair that becomes emphasized with the sunlight each time it struck into it.
I loved it, not until that day happened.
It was still so fresh to me. It was still so bright in my mind. It haunted me... Because of love.
Love that can be both painful and sweet.
I was always realistic. I was never the person that was stuck with the idea of love that was supposed to be about exploring and being chained to each other all the time. Kasi hindi ganoon 'yon.
Because if I'm chained, it's not a relationship, it's not love... it's prison. You deserve a love that is freeing, not enduring. I'd like to believe that.
Somehow, I was enduring. I was oblivious. I was left out. I was there, but not exactly.
Because at some point... that's how he made me feel.
"One chocolate mint latte, please."
That was the drink he taught me to make. He was a barista. The best barista for me, both coffee shops and bars. The barista with flavors so simple yet addicting. Flavors that make you feel different emotions, and sometimes make you walk to different seasons.
"My favorite color's beige. My favorite flowers are sunflowers. Some things I also love are books, beaches, baking and making drinks."
Back in square one.
Why did I have to go back to square one?
From planning my whole future with someone, to going back to telling my favorites.
"I'm not really a fan of the beach. Naiirita ako sa buhangin. I honestly prefer spring over summer," my date contradicted my most favorite.
"How about surfing? Have you tried it? Do you like it?"
"Surf? No. Anything beach-related is not really my thing. Sorry."
He was one of the best surfers in the island. He was full of passion. The tides he rode were as wild and free as him. The way the waves curls inside-out reminds me of the little curls of his hair.
"Hindi ako mahilig makipag-socialize. Hindi ako magaling doon."
I tried to hide my smile. He was an extrovert, super loud. He never knows when to shut up. He never run out of topic. It always made me laugh how he tried to be logical in the most illogical conversation thrown out.
This date wasn't going to work. I kept on telling myself that it would, but it was all just a lie. Just like the other guys my friend's tried to set me up with to help me move on. All of them were nowhere near him. Ang layo. Sa hilig, hitsura, pananalita, pananamit. Lahat. They had nothing in common.
Hindi ba dapat gusto ko nang ganoon para mas madali siyang makalimutan? A breath of fresh air, perhaps.
Love for me was hard to find again because here I am still choosing to be stuck in my past. It won't work... because I keep on finding the little things about him in someone else when I can only find it in him.
"Ugh! Esme, get over it! Move on. Forget!" Pinokpok ko ang ulo ko gamit ang aking palad para matauhan.
Naglakad-lakad ako sa dalampasigan para maiba ang iniisip. Dinama ko ang hangin at ang tama ng araw sa balat ko.
"Beautiful sunlight," I whispered, looking up the orange sky with a hand blocking the top of my eyes.
Kahel. Iyon ang paborito kong kulay ng langit. It gives that gentleness and warmth we crave for, just like what we crave when we're in love.
I spent a few good minutes sitting in the sand, reflecting with my own thoughts. I used to do this when I still lived here in the island. It gave me such comfort.
I saw an old couple slow dancing in the middle of the beach early this morning. It made me smile how they stared at each other's eyes with pure love. I'd pay millions to have that type of love. But love was priceless, so I'd rather wait for it than pay and get the wrong one.
I remember that night... It was unforgettable.
The night he randomly asked me to slow dance with him in the middle of the beach. We bursted out laughing at how awkward we both were. We were nowhere good, especially him. Dancing was not his forte.
"Palagi na lang ikaw. Kailan ba magiging hindi? Kulang na lang ipinta mo mukha mo sa mga mata ko dahil ikaw lang nakikita ko," inis na bulong ko sa hangin at tinamaan muli ang noo ko.
"You're hitting your forehead. Is that a good sign or no?" Sasy arrived and sat beside me on the sand. "Kamusta iyong date? Finally na ba? Teka, mabango ba? Pogi? Mukha bang nag-toothbrush naman?"
"Sasy!" Cali laughed lightly.
"Priorities, duh!"
Cali shook her head and turned to me. "How's your date, Esme? Did it go well?" Ang saya-saya niya pagkatanong noon.
"It went fine. We had breakfast at the coffee shop nearby. We had a nice talk. Got to know each other a little. He's a nice guy," I replied, smiling a bit.
Cali smiled, a bit meaningful. "Hindi pa rin, 'no?"
"Siya pa rin," mahinang amin ko. "Siya pa rin talaga. Hanggang ngayon. Siya pa rin. Fuck."
"Shit, paano na?!" Sasy exaggeratedly covered her mouth.
Kumawala ang tawa sa labi ko. "Tons of blind dates set up by Raya just doesn't seem to work for me. Focus on myself na lang muna ako. Self-love." I raised my index finger as if telling a fact.
Cali nodded in approval. "Right choice! Join my club! Mga self-love lang. I mean, who needs a man?"
"Sis, wala lang nagmamahal sa atin kaya self-love na lang. Wala tayong choice," pambabara ni Sasy.
"Romantically true." I nodded, rolling my eyes.
Bakit ko ba pinipilit na walain siya sa isipan ko? Sa kada layo ko, mas lumalapit lang ako. Para kaming naghihilahan. At nagpapatianod lang ako papunta sa kaniya.
Mayroon lang kasi akong hindi maintidihan. Nakita ko siya. I recently saw him in the mall. Before that, I saw him countless of times, too. But my friends denied he was here.
Kada lingon ko, kahit saan, siya ang nakikita ko. Hindi ko alam kung pinagloloko ako ng utak ko o nagsisinungaling lang ang mga tao sa akin kapag tinatanong ko sila ng totoo.
Pero bakit sila nagsisinungaling?
Ako naman iyong umalis.
"Esme! Nandito na ako! Sorry, late! May inasikaso pa, eh." Marco gave me tight hug. We were at some newly opened club to have a mini celebration for the opening of my second café.
"Thank you for coming! I know you're busy!" masayang sabi ko at niyakap siya pabalik.
As if my feet grew some vines, I couldn't move a bit when I caught a glimpse of a familiar face from afar. He suddenly got lost in the ocean of people. I shook my head and set aside whatever feelings rose inside of me.
My friends were having a conversation. I was just listening, but not really understanding anything they say. I scanned the club, holding my glass filled with juice. I didn't want to get drunk so I had to wash the alcohol out of my body.
My eyes turned round in surprise when I caught again a glimpse of the same man I saw earlier. It was a bit clearer now since the light hit the side of his face. Then, he was suddenly gone again before I can see a front view of his face.
Paulit-ulit akong kumurap, gustong matauhan. Was I imagining? 'To na naman siya! He always have a way of haunting me. He was too bright, like the sun, always having a way to shine.
Nakakainis!
Minsan, iniisip kong nagpapapansin na lang siya o sadyang baliw na ako. Should I go to therapy?
"This is a new club pa pero patok na patok agad. Nakakaproud." Narinig kong sabi ni Cali. I looked at her when inabutan niya ulit ako ng shot glass. I sipped on it quietly.
"Syempre naman! Proud tayong lahat doon! 'Di ba, Esme?" Raya smirked at me.
Kumunot ang noo ko sa pagtataka kasi parang ako lang ang 'di makasabay sa usapan nila. Sabagay ako lang naman ang hindi interesadong makinig. I was too stunned and paranoid about the man who I kept on seeing.
"What? Why? Ako lang ba ang 'di kilala ang owner ng club na 'to? Is he a tycoon or something? Artista?" Now, I was curious and a bit interested. Or more like, wanting to be distracted from imagining about him again.
"What the fuck? Seryoso ka?" hindi-makapaniwalang tanong ni Raya bago bumaling sa kaibigan namin. "Grabe, natago n'yo talaga? Ilang taon ba ako nawala rito?!"
"Natago ang alin?" I asked calmly, though I had a clue. Was I right?
"Uhm... Jericho is the owner." Cali gave me an awkward smile.
Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. I was glad that I wasn't drinking anything because for sure mabubuga ko lang.
"What? Jericho? Sasy's best friend?" I was shocked, almost out of breath. "As in 'yong best friend niya? Or ibang Jericho 'yan?" I made sure.
Tumango si Marco at Cali at halos sabay na umiwas ng tingin, guilty. Raya looked so amused.
My lips quivered. I felt like my stomach was turning upside down for some unknown reason.
I was right. It was him. I wasn't imagining! Alam ko ngang siya iyong nakita ko ngayong gabi at noong nakaraaang mga buwan. Akala ko namamalikmata lang ako noon dahil sabi rin ng mga kaibigan ko na wala siya rito sa Pinas.
Pero tama ako. Nagsinungaling sila sa akin.
Siya nga iyon. Kahit sa malayo, kilala ko siya... alam ko ang tindig niya. Hindi nga ako nagkamali.
"I want to rest but not with you."
Hindi ko nais marinig ang mga katagang iyon. Pero hindi naman binato sa 'kin. Ako ang nagbitaw noon. Ako ang bumitaw sa amin.
"Why is this so easy for you?"
Iyon ang binato niya sa akin. Masakit. Hindi niya alam ang totoo.
Suddenly, I was feeling different because I remembered an unwanted memory. All the happiness I had gained was flushed away. And just like that... the regrets filled me up slowly until I felt suffocated.
"C.R lang muna ako." Then, I quickly got up and left without waiting for their response. Hindi pa ako nakaabot sa banyo ay napakapit ako sa dingding, nanghihina.
Shit!
I didn't know what to do. Is he here? Obviously! I literally just saw him in the dance floor! But deep inside, I was in denial and wishing that he was not the one I saw.
Humugot ako nang malalim na hininga bago nagpatuloy sa paglalakad, nakatingin sa sahig. I squealed when I bumped into a man on my way. His reflexes were quick because he grabbed my arm and kept me in place effortlessly. I didn't even hit the wall nor hurt my ankle.
"Watch where you're going, Miss." His voice almost inaudible due to the music booming in the club's speaker.
I slowly lifted my head to apologize, only to meet a familiar hazel brown orbs. His eyes were already pierced on mine, as if waiting for me to lift my gaze.
Kung kanina nanigas lang ako, ngayon papasa na siguro bilang bangkay sa lamig.
We stared at each other. I was stunned. On the other hand, he was looking so cold, as if he wasn't pleased seeing me after years.
"I'm sorry for bumping into you. I wasn't exactly looking at where I'm heading," paumanhin ko sa kaniya. Kinagat ko na ang loob ng pisngi ko para wala nang masabi.
Pinagmasdan ko siya. Ang simple lang ng suot. Panibago nga lang na gupit ang kaniyang buhok. Hindi na masyado visible ang curls niya.
"Obviously, you were not. Because if you did, you wouldn't bump into me, right?" He sounded so... far. This was not him.
Maybe, he changed now.
But then... it was always like that.
Love, huh?
Love changes you. It was supposed to be finding your comfort, instead, the reality of love is not really sweet. It's being ready to do everything... including the painful things, like letting go and getting hurt.
Love is not enduring, it's sacrificing.
"Just... Just be careful on your way." Seryoso niya akong tiningnan saglit bago nag-iwas ng tingin. He licked his lower lip before adding, "Ang daming lasing sa unahan. Ingat. Baka mabangga ka na naman."
"Thank you, Jericho. Aalis na ako. Sorry ulit," sabi ko na lang at naglakad palayo sa kaniya, iniinda ang sakit na namumuo sa loob ng dibdib ko.
"Diyan ka naman talaga magaling." I heard Echo say before I was completely away from him.
Within the seconds that have passed, I was growing more confused. This was him now. Galit siya sa akin. It was understandable. I left with a lie.
What if... I just told him the truth? What if I showed my love better? What if I stayed, right? Maybe I wouldn't get hurt like this. Maybe I wouldn't have tainted him.
He would always be my biggest what if in life.