"death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." norman cousins
☁
Dean was sitting in the backseat of the Impala, arguably a little bit upset that he wasn't in the front seat, driving. But he would admit, sitting in the back with the now-powerful angel gave him a sense of peace inside, and he very much so enjoyed it. The angel was tenderly sleeping, his back against the seat but his neck and head leaning against the window. Dean missed looking at his blue eyes, and the way the cars and vehicles driving quickly by gave a flash of light to illuminate his face, along with blue.
His lips still tanged with the taste of Castiel's. He wanted so badly to wake up the resting angel, but the hunter knew he was tired and he knew that he needed sleep. The only sound in the car was his slight, soft snoring and the sound of the Impala's wheels whirring across the dark road. It was six o'clock in the morning, and the sun was hinting on the horizon, waiting for its time to come back up and give off perfect, orange, exorbitant light.
"Turn right on the exit then we'll be at the bunker." Charlie muttered after what seemed like hours of silence. They all three knew that Cas was exceedingly exhausted.
The turn shifted everybody in their seats, especially Cas. When Sam had turned to the exit, it startled him. He suddenly woke up and Dean slowly turned his head. He was met with blue eyes that were sheepishly looking at him. Almost as if he was scared to look at Dean. But there was no reason for him to be scared, so maybe Dean was misinterpreting his facial and body language. Hopefully, Dean thought. If he was wrong, then maybe Dean went on too strong by kissing him.
He didn't know how to feel. He wanted a relationship with the angel but he knew dating a guy would be emotionally hard on him. The hunter knew that Sam wasn't homophobic, as they had a lesbian friend with them in their Impala. John was obviously homophobic, as he taught Dean and Sam that thinking that way was feminine and non-hunter like. His father was one of the reasons he kept it bottled up so long, but it was always there, and he couldn't just shrug it off. It wasn't a thought though, it was a desire, a passion. But Sammy had grown up with Dean. What if Sam wanted nieces and nephews? He couldn't have any biological children with Cas.
Holy fuck. Dean shared one kiss with him, and now he's thinking about having children. Dean had always jumped the gun with women, thinking about their future that Dean knew he could never have. But Castiel was different, he was a man, not a woman. Before, Dean had always wanted to hold his hand, but with women, he never dreamed of it. They had laced their fingers together as they kissed, and it gave Dean a sense of feeling he never thought of before. He just wanted to sit there, no words, just looking at Cas and feel the moment when he knew that his hand wanted to be held, so he would shift his hand slightly, twitching it. Castiel would look down and put his palm on top of Dean's knuckles, but then Dean would swiftly open up his hand, interlocking their fingers together. It would be perfect bliss, sitting in the backseat of his beloved Impala, holding hands with a goddamn lovely angel. But Dean could only imagine. He could only imagine a perfect world, but even then, it wasn't perfect. He would make up scenarios in his head, like Cas didn't want any kisses, he didn't want any hands held. He didn't want love.
Selfish, he felt. He wanted him all to himself, for nobody else to touch him the way Dean wanted to for the first time. But Cas probably didn't want to. Dean shook his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts. Instead, he focused on that he was healed and healthy. But his thoughts kept coming back. Imagining his body and what it looked like underneath him, pure and bliss. Dean could feel his breath hitch from the thought of it. Something under his pants and boxers twitched, in a way he couldn't describe it.
"Where am I?" Cas' gravelly voice spoke out, somehow his sleepy voice was deeper than normal.
"In a car, Cas." the eldest hunter replied patiently.
"Oh. My apologies."
Dean nodded, still feeling the tightness in his pants. The angel's extensive, unnecessary vocabulary made Dean sweat. He put his hand casually over his crotch, trying to dismiss his obvious boner. Dean was getting hard for an angel.
Baby pulled into the dead grass on the outside of the bunker, the sunset coming up and the moonshine coming down. The orange of the sky reflected onto the small window of the Men of Letter's bunker entrance. Dean got out and put the med kit back in the trunk, grabbing his duffel bag that he carried everywhere. Admittedly, Dean was annoyed he wasn't able to help Cas, as seeing his exposed body would make him flustered. But at the same time, he was glad that Castiel had his grace back, able to heal himself and or other people.
☁
Cas woke up that morning, feeling well rested. Somehow, he still needed basic human functions, like hygiene and rarely hunger. It was like his vessel was confused. He got so used to being human that being an angel was difficult now. Why couldn't he just function the way he needed to? Why did it have to be complicated?
He went out of his room, his arms still feeling sore because they had been extended upward for such a long period of time. The hallways were ambient and empty, with no sign of life anywhere, no sign of anybody else being there with him.
Going into the main room, past the library, he saw a bunch of books scattered around, some opened, some bookmarked, some closed. He saw a bright yellow sticky note in clean, capital letters, presumably in Dean's handwriting.
At that cafe we went to. We let you sleep. Come down there if you want breakfast.
-Dean
Admittedly, Cas was good with directions, knowing wherever he was. As an angel with wings, somebody or someone could tell him where they were, and with a blink of an eye he would be there. But, Cas didn't have his wings, so his sense of directions and geography would be tested.
He flattened out his trench coat as he headed out of the bunker's door, seeing that the Impala was indeed gone. That Impala has saved Castiel twice, and has probably saved the Winchester brothers much more. He started getting used to vehicles, as the twisting and turning didn't bother him as much. It no longer make him carsick. He was grateful, annoyingly, that his grace was slowly giving him ease. He didn't get hungry as often and didn't depend on two to three meals a day to sustain energy. He would normally eat one meal and that was early in the morning. And today, Cas was very hungry. It had been about two days since he had eaten a hot meal.
☁
"Cas!" Dean yelled as he saw his angel walk through the door. Cas, showily surprised, slightly jumped at the incoming Dean.
Dean hugged him, a gesture that Cas had never experienced before from the hunter. Cas melted into the hug, wrapping his arms around Dean. The angel smiled softly. Nobody had been affectionate towards him like that and nobody was that admittedly excited to see him.
"Hey, Cas." he said as he pulled from the hug. "I need to talk to you, alright?"
The angel muttered a somewhat of a response, looking back at Sam and Charlie who were watching the both of them, slight smirks on their faces. Dean couldn't see them but their faces looked as if they knew something. Cas didn't know how to respond to their seductive waves, as a joke, obviously, so he just smiled and nodded his head toward them. Dean opened the door back up and the angel walked through, looking at the man who quickly shut it back.
"What is wrong, Dean?" the man tilted his head, his eyes burning towards Dean's worried look.
"Listen. I know we've both been thinking about what happened yesterday." Dean's lips thinned into a line, "You know..."
"When we kissed?" Castiel replied simply, acting like it wasn't that big of a deal.
Yet it was. It was the biggest deal to Dean. Although Cas didn't understand affection, Dean did. He understood what a kiss meant, what it led up to. Cas even told him that he was attracted to him. So the kiss wasn't just out of pity or something random, it was real. The kiss was very much so real to Dean, and he wanted to do it again. Though looking at the confused angel, he knew he couldn't. That would just confuse him more. The man's grace just healed back, for god's sake, and now Dean is wanting to be affectionate towards him. Their relationship would mess with his healing even more, causing his humanism to go berserk and his angelic form to be perplexed.
Although, Dean didn't necessarily care for what his mind told him. He wanted to follow his heart and his heart was telling him to kiss the angel again and never go back.
"Yeah. When we kissed."
"I don't understand." he grumbled, his posture tall and his eyes squinted. Dean, on the other hand, was flustered and his ears were tinted a light shade of pink.
"Listen. I really like you, Cas." He looked down, shaking his head, embarrassed. "I just want to know, was that okay? That we did that?"
Cas, hesitantly, thought for a second. But he already knew his answer right away. But his hesitance made Dean nervous. "Yes. I very much so enjoyed it."
"Me too, Cas." he sighed, relieved. "Me too."
And so, Dean kissed him again, putting his fingertips underneath his chin and and softly tilting it up. Just like the simple hug earlier, Cas melted into it, kissing him back. It was not anywhere close to the previous kiss that had happened two days prior. It was rough and hungry, almost as if the both of them had bottled the love and lust up within those days and opened it back up then and now. Before, Dean was careful with Cas, trying not to hurt him. And now, they could both feel the passion as the angel gripped tightly against Dean's waist.
The angel was the first to depart the kiss, catching his breath and then flickering his eyes up to Dean's. Dean licked his lips, staring at him as he started tugging at his own fingers, trying not to stare. Yet he did, he always stared at him, whether he could help it or not. The angel's eyes were so captivating, like crystals in the bright sun, and his tanned skin was clear and perfect.
How was it possible? Dean didn't know. He didn't know how it was possible that he met the angel, mistook it for a monster and or supernatural being, stabbed it, brought him to his own home, fell in love with him and it fell in love back. Wait? Fell in love? Dean wasn't in love. He couldn't be.
No. Not love. Just a very strong liking towards the angel. Even though his kisses and hugs sent adrenaline down his veins and blood, making him feel like he could do anything, he only simply liked him.
Going back into the cafe, both Dean and Cas had a different feeling. Dean's face was still red from embarrassment and Cas still had the same confused look he always did. Dean sat next to Sammy at the table and the angel sat next to Charlie. Half of everybody's food was gone, except for Cas, who didn't have any food at all.
"You hungry?" Dean asked kindly.
"Yes."
"Okay." Dean waved at the waitress and she came over as he smiled. "Could we get the special for him please? Thanks."
Dean had gestured towards the angel as he said that. The waitress left and Cas couldn't stop glaring at Dean, passion burning in his eyes. Dean flicked his eyes up, bacon half chewed in his mouth, and almost choked on it as he saw the angel looking at him. He finished chewing and licked his lips, quickly taking a sip of his coffee. However, Cas was sitting comfortably in his chair, basically checking Dean out.
"Alright, what is up with you two?" Sam exclaimed, looking at the both of them.
"What? What do you mean?" Dean responded, offended. He tried shrugging it off, as he didn't want Sam to know anything at the moment. Their profession of liking each other came too quickly, and Dean wasn't ready to tell his younger brother anything.
"Are you guys like dating or something?"
"No." they both responded at the same time, their tone of voice the same: wigged out. Charlie smiled, as she saw the guilty look on the both of their faces. She knew about Cas' feelings for Dean, and her gaydar always went off around the hunter. However, she couldn't decipher his sexuality, as she knew he bottled any feelings of him up.
Charlie always knew something was up. And after they went through the doors, she saw how closer they walked by each other, how more comfortable they were staring at each other, despite in the middle of public or simply in the bunker.
She knew.