chapter twenty-eight: you can always start a new puzzle
THURSDAY AFTERNOON. I was patiently waiting for Emma to get back from her meeting with Tony. I felt like it had been ages since I talked to Emma and I wanted to ask her how things with Ashton were going. I busied myself for a long while by reading through the edits that were made on my article about Luke, which would be published on Saturday, and even found a couple of things I wanted to add.
"I am exhausted." My face lit up as Emma walked into the room and I immediately gave her my attention. "You look chipper... what happened?" My eyes rolled playfully and I let out a quiet laugh as I pushed myself up from my chair.
"Want some coffee?" I asked as I crossed to our coffee maker.
"Yes, please," Emma replied. "Now will you please tell me what's going on with you?"
"I just missed you!" I told her, thinking it was funny that she was so suspicious of me. I turned to look at her after turning the coffee maker on and I titled my head as I took in her presence. She was genuinely glowing. Emma was normally very happy, but something about her good attitude was heightened. She was looking away from me and had a small smile playing on her lips. "Missy, you'd better get to talking. You're the one that has something going on." Emma slowly looked up at me, her smile growing.
"I might have had a really good night last night," Emma whispered and my eyes widened. I immediately rushed to our door and closed it, my back against the wood.
"Emma!" I exclaimed and she smiled wide. "You guys had sex?" Emma began to nod rapidly and I jumped in excitement.
"I don't know how long it's been since I've felt this way."
"What? Fulfilled?"
"It was way before Pat, I can tell you that." I covered my mouth as I let out a laugh in response to Emma's insult. "I am so happy, Jo. I feel like I'm on cloud nine. I have this great guy, who's fucking amazing in all aspects—"
"Are you guys... dating dating?" I couldn't help but feel lame as the words left my lips, but Emma laughed off my middle-school-sounding question.
"I know it's fast, but we just make each other so happy. We figured there was no reason not to just go for it." I was surprised to hear Emma's words but tried not to let it show. I felt like there was one huge reason not to go for it.
"I'm really happy for you, Em... but aren't you nervous? What are you going to do?"
"What are you talking about?" Emma asked, seeming oblivious.
"He's leaving in two weeks," I reminded her and she shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly.
"Long distance exists. We think it's worth it to at least try," she said, in good spirits. For some reason, I had completely forgotten that people willingly committed to long distance relationships. I hadn't even considered something like that with Luke. "I mean, we definitely haven't had a huge conversation about it. We both just sort of realized that we enjoy each other so much that we'd like to stay an item for as long as we can."
"And you trust that he'll commit to that?"
"Jo, you have to work on trusting and committing," Emma said with a sigh as she turned away to walk to the coffee I had made her. "I really like Ashton and he seems to really like me, so I'm willing to put the effort in. I like the idea of getting cute goodnight texts for a couple of months. And if he ends up sucking at that, I'll drop him." I let out a quiet laugh and tried to see Emma's point of view, but I just couldn't agree with her perspective. "What's going on with you and Luke?"
"A lot." I sighed as I thought back to the night before and I crossed to my desk to take a seat. "Let's just say that this stupid tour is the only thing keeping us from taking things further." Emma looked over at me abruptly and I bit my lip gently.
"Please elaborate."
"We both want something more, I guess. And we had been on the same page about stalling any progressions! But now he seems to want something now, which I can't agree to."
"Why?" Emma asked, seeming frustrated with me. "Jo, you have a much deeper connection with Luke than I have with Ashton—but the tour's not stopping me, so why let it stop you?"
"I don't want the first time my relationship lasts longer than a month to be ruined by long distance, Em. I won't let it." Emma bit her lip as she walked up to me and I sighed as I crossed my arms. "If we genuinely like each other—for all the right reasons—then we'll still have feelings for each other once he's back."
"That's a long time, Jo," Emma reminded me, which didn't make me feel any better. "I don't mean to be a downer, but don't you think there'd be more effort to stay in touch if you guys were building a relationship? What if one of you just gives up, even on a friendship?"
"If one of us gives up on a friendship because of distance, how could we possibly make it as more?" As I looked into Emma's eyes, I could tell she had finally understood where I was coming from—even if she didn't agree with me for her own personal situation, she couldn't argue with me. "It wouldn't be fair to either one of us to start a relationship just to be missing each other all the time. I'm rooting for you and Ashton, completely, but I just don't want that for myself. I've barely been in a real relationship, so I don't want to be in a long distance one."
"I get it," Emma told me with a sad smile on her face. "Can I say one more thing before I switch to fully supporting your decision?" I laughed quietly but nodded at Emma to give her the go ahead.
"Just because something seems hard, or because there's an obstacle in your way, doesn't mean the answer is to give up on it. Especially when it could be something great. I agree that long distance relationships aren't ideal—more so since you actually feel like you and Luke could have something, unlike your past relationships. But while I understand, I guess I personally think that gives you all the more reason to just go for it." I bit my lip once Emma was finished talking and almost wished I had told her not to give her two cents—because I was scared I agreed with her.
"I want him to be happy to see me when he comes home—I want him to dream about seeing me again. I want to think about all that I'll have to look forward to once he's home again. I don't want something to go wrong and have him hating me from so many miles away, because who knows what he could get up to. I want to fall in love with him physically beside me. I don't want to fall in love with someone over the phone." Emma brought her hand up to my cheek and gently caressed it.
"You're going to make the right decision for you, Josie. Just make the choice that's going to keep you happiest, okay? Like I've said before, I want you happy."
. . .
After a day of thinking about all the possible outcomes of Luke and I starting a relationship in the next two, as well as all the outcomes of us staying friends—I felt frazzled. I had barely gotten any work done because of my racing thoughts and I felt frustrated with myself for letting it get to me.
Luke had texted me saying that he wanted to see me as soon as he could, so I told him I would come over after I stopped by my place to change into something more comfortable. Luke joked and told me to pack extra so that I could leave some clothes at his place, just in case.
His idea excited me, made me sad, and made me angry at him for continuing to lure me into his charm.
To make a long story short—I packed an extra outfit.
It was nearing six when I parked in his building's parking garage and texted him that I was on my way up. To my surprise, Luke was waiting for me inside the doors to the entrance lobby of the building.
"What are you doing down here?" I asked Luke as he pulled me into a hug.
"I ordered some food—I've done too much cooking this week," Luke said as he pulled away, which caused me to laugh. "Maybe I'll just start meeting you down here."
"You don't have to do that," I told him through a laugh. Luke's shoulders shrugged as he told me he wouldn't mind to, but he nearly immediately excused himself after getting a text from someone. The food had just gotten here.
I thought it was strange that Luke had ordered food before asking me what I would like to eat—but I also didn't mind not having to decide.
Luke walked back in a couple of minutes later and my mouth nearly began to water as I saw what he had gotten.
"I thought I'd surprise you with that noodle place, since you've talked about it in passing at least seven hundred times." I rolled my eyes playfully at Luke's exaggeration but thanked him for picking up on my clues. "I got a couple of different things because I couldn't remember exactly what it was you were always raving about."
"Everything they have is good," I told Luke as we walked to the elevator. "You won't be disappointed, and I could never be disappointed."
"Good deal," Luke said as he smiled down at the bags. "Did you have a good day at work?"
"Oh... yeah, I guess," I told Luke with a shrug. I hoped he wouldn't ask too much about it, since he had really been the only thing on my mind all day. "It was a slow day."
"It's just 'cause we're not there to liven it up." I laughed quietly at Luke's statement and shook my head in amusement. "Remember the first time we were in this elevator together?"
"Luke," I said in a warning tone, which resulted in a series of chuckles from the boy beside me.
"Just making sure you had a good memory," Luke lied, which only further amused me. "I'd much rather be eating food with you than all of that crud we used to do."
"Uh-huh, sure." Luke smiled as he looked toward the doors of the elevator, just as they opened. "Promise not to forget me so you can call me up in half a year and see how I'm feeling about all that crud we used to do." Luke and I walked to his door in silence and I knew I had said the wrong thing. Not only because Luke was silent, but because I had upset myself. "Sorry—"
"It's okay," Luke told me, shaking his head as he pushed his door open and held it for me. "I want you to know that I honestly wish my career consisted of anything other than leaving you for so long."
"That's your entire career, Luke—"
"I know," he cut me off. "That doesn't change what I said."
"Don't talk like that, okay? You're amazing at what you do, you seem to love what you do... people count on you to do what you do. I'm just one piece of a really big puzzle, I don't matter."
"That's just it, Jos." We were in Luke's kitchen now and he sat the bags down just as his tone became serious. "A puzzle can't be complete, even if it's just missing one small piece." My heart raced as Luke spoke and I wished that I hadn't used the puzzle analogy. "That one piece is the only thing that can complete it. Without it, there's just a lot of other pieces—no matter how many pieces, they don't make the whole picture."
"Then maybe I'm not a piece of your puzzle," I told Luke, even though it broke my heart to say it. "Or maybe I am... but I'm a piece that doesn't fit right yet because you haven't quite figured out where I go, or how to position me in order to make things click. Maybe come back later... and you'll see a different perspective." Luke walked up to me once I had finished speaking and my heart rate intensified the closer he got.
"What if things still don't click later?" Luke asked me.
"Maybe the company made a faulty piece... but you can always start a new puzzle." Luke scoffed sadly as he looked away from me and I sighed as I took his hands into mine, which seemed to surprise him. I pulled him closer to me—my back was against the island in the middle of his kitchen. "But right now, couldn't we have fun completing the kiddie puzzle that we're making? We can come back to the thousand piece puzzle some other time."
"Jos, I know you don't like talking about this..." Although it was obvious Luke had planned for a but, he stopped himself. "Yeah, let's just drop it... that's probably best." Luke dropped my hands and walked back over to the bags, which caused my whole chest to feel heavier than it had moments before. Luke busied himself with taking the various containers of food out of the bags and I bit my lip gently as I stared out into space.
"Has Ashton told you anything about him and Emma?" I asked Luke, still zoned out, as Emma's long distance plan popped into my head.
"Yeah... he's told me plenty." I could tell Luke was in a mood, but I couldn't blame him. "Why?" Luke's question was softer, and I figured he didn't want to seem upset.
"I'm sorry I can't be that confident in us... I wish I was more like Emma, I guess, but I just don't think I could do something like a long distance relationship. Especially not during the months where I'm supposed to be falling head over heels for you." I glanced over at Luke and he looked up at me once I had finished. Luke walked back over to me and sat down on one of the stools that was closest to me.
"I'm being selfish, Josie... I'm sorry. Just because I want this so bad, doesn't mean I should make you feel bad for not wanting to pursue this right now. I guess it's driving me crazy that I know how you feel about me yet you don't feel as eager as I do to have anything start. I really won't bring it up anymore, okay? I do want to focus on the time we have right now."
"I'm the one that brought it up—I'm sorry that I keep bringing it up. I'm bitter because I wish that things were different, but that's not your fault. Neither of us can change the situation. I finally believe that you're not going to forget about me once you leave, so I'll just hang on to the hope that this is just a delay. It's not that we're giving up on something... we're just procrastinating." Luke laughed quietly and the sound comforted me—it made me realize that we were okay.
"I think I can handle that, if you can."
"I think so," I told him, nodding as I smiled. Luke placed his hand on my cheek and look all around my face, all the while a smile was growing on his. "What?"
"I'm just admiring you," he told me with a shrug. He leaned forward and placed a kiss on my forehead, which made me smile. "Every time I look at your face, a new lyric pops into my head."
"You realize you don't make it easy to reject you, right?"
"Why would I make something so tragic easy?" I leaned forward and placed my lips on Luke's—he kissed me back, but with more passion than we had shared in our recent kisses. Instead of pulling away like I had become accustomed to, I melted into the kiss. I leaned into Luke as his hands found their way to my waist and my hands flew to his cheeks. Luke kissed me back harder and although I realized what we were doing was going against everything we had just discussed, I couldn't bring myself to end it. Luke ended up standing up from the stool and in a swift motion, he lifted me up and sat me down on the surface of the island.
As we continued to kiss, my hands went to the back of his neck and my fingers brushed through his curls. I kept him as close as possible, but we eventually both had the idea to stop. Our breathing was heavy and our cheeks were flushed.
"Fuck," Luke cursed as he laughed dryly, bringing his hands up to his face.
"Maybe that'll keep us at bay... we were just a little deprived," I said quietly, trying to make light of our small moment. Luke peeked at me through his fingers and I bit my lip gently as I became concerned that we'd have a couple more of those moments if we weren't careful.
"I think deprived is an understatement," Luke said as he took his hands away from his face. "Maybe we should eat?"
"Yeah... that's probably a good idea," I said with a nod. Luke started to turn away, but I grabbed his wrist before he could go far.
"Joseline Culley, if you try something again—"
"I just want to say I'm glad that we're in this thing together—I wouldn't put up with this situation if it wasn't you." Although I had cut Luke off, his face broke out into a grin.
"I wouldn't let just anyone reject me, Jos. You're special to me, too."
a/n:
god i rlly did miss this story
i started a harry styles college au during my short break and ..... it's just not the same !!! i'm not good at writing it !! i feel like a phony !!! so i'm glad to be back
i have missed u all
5sos land does seem to be a lil brighter & a lil clearer so i am happy to be back. i hope u are all doing well !!
i hope to update again soon :))
jill