ethan
"anna," i laugh, pushing her hand that holds a mango slice away from my face. "i said i'm full."
"come on," she wiggles her eyebrows. "it's the last one."
"can you guys like, shut up?" her roommate snaps, taking out her airpods and looking up from her book.
i widen my eyes, turning back to anna as we have a picnic on her floor.
"wanna eat with us, meg? there's a couple pieces of pizza left, and the dining hall is closed right now," anna offers genuinely.
megan glares at me and puts her airpods back in.
"she never leaves the room," anna whispers to me. "oh my god."
"why am i always being glared at?"
"i wondered the exact same thing at the beginning of last summer," anna says, raising her eyebrows.
i laugh at her mention of our past. "shut up. that's done and over with."
it's october, meaning the air finally isn't 90°, and grayson's freaking out over halloween. i should've never roomed with him. i thought i could handle it, because i did it for 18 years, but i was wrong.
sharing a jail cell sized space with your twin isn't a good idea.
"oh," anna says quickly. "your mom called me."
i take a sip of my vitamin water and widen my eyes. "what about?"
she scratches the back of her head, looking a little confused. "she wanted to take me to... goat yoga? i don't know, but i'm willing to do anything at this point."
anna and my mom's relationship has become polite, but anna feels like she has to walk on eggshells all the time.
i feel like they're both trying really hard. anna presents herself sophisticatedly whenever they're near each other, and my mom has been offering her all sorts of bonding exercises to understand her lifestyle more.
they're meeting in the middle.
"goat yoga?" i snort. "sounds... smelly."
"i know!" she exclaims with a laugh. "but i'm excited. we're going in early november."
"you have to stop by cameron's apartment on your way. she's dying to see you— i think she just cleaned out her closet."
whatever cameron doesn't want, it automatically goes to anna's possession. it's overwhelming to have about twelve nice dresses hanging up in a small dorm closet, but i think she secretly enjoys it.
i check the time on my watch and sigh. "if i want to make it back for my study session tomorrow, i should probably get going."
"are you okay to drive in the night? i don't want you falling asleep or anything."
i narrow my eyes playfully and close the pizza box. "is this a devised plan to get to me to stay another night?"
she lowers her eyes. "maybeeee..."
"i'll see you in two weeks," i promise, tilting her chin back up.
"promise?" she asks, eyes hopeful.
"cross my heart."
she grumbles and stands up, beginning to gather up my belongings around the room.
since she has a roommate, i always stay on the futon in the small space, since i don't want to make megan uncomfortable ever— and plus, anna's lofted bed is way too small for the both of us.
it's good for one night, but i always wake up with backaches that take a few days to relieve.
the five hour drive actually isn't that bad. we call each other the entire time, laughing and cracking jokes. by the time either one of us arrives, we carry on like normal conversation.
obviously it was weird to go from seeing her every day to only every other week, but we haven't really had a problem yet.
well actually, there was a slight issue once. in september, we had a pointless argument about some random thing. it was so stupid i don't even remember it now. i'm not usually stubborn— i'll apologize when i'm wrong, but this time i truly didn't think i was wrong. and neither did she, i guess. in the end, we didn't talk for three days and then one evening she showed up at my dorm, right as i was about to leave to go to her's. we both apologized and laughed about how dumb it was.
throughout these past couple of months, i've had no doubt in my mind that we can make this work for the remainder of our time at college.
grayson warned me that i might feel tired or discouraged by making the drive, but i haven't yet. we switch off most of the time.
one week i'll drive to her, we get a week in between, then she'll drive to me. sometimes we meet in the middle in a random town called avenal, and book a hotel to stay in, which will give us an extra night.
the drive home on saturday or sunday nights always suck, though.
i get the empty feeling for a bit, and then she calls me and i hear her voice again, even though i had heard it only hours prior.
we give each other good distance, never getting clingy or jealous if the other is spending the day studying or in classes.
we just... correlate.
there's no simpler way around it.
i'm going to admit that i'm a very affectionate guy, so that was really hard in the beginning. anna shows her love by words, and i show mine by physical aspects— so she adjusted smoother than me.
i got used to it, eventually. sometimes i'll send her random things like flowers and cards, and my favorite recently has little gift baskets. to make up for lost time without showing physical affection, it's always slightly overbearing for the first couple of hours after reuniting. i remember there was one time in september when i visited and literally only left her side to go to the bathroom.
anna seems.... happy.
ecstatic, actually.
i know for a fact she loves stanford, and would not have had the same energy levels or passion if she was at her second choice.
so the distance is worth it to see her genuinely smile on facetime every night as she recaps her days.
i even sit through stories of her boring classes and add my own commentary as if i know what's even going on.
just nod and smile, i tell myself.
anna means everything to me.
it scares me to think about what mental state i would be in right now if i didn't have her by my side. until recently, i wasn't fully done grieving from my father, and school is very stressful. i don't know how i would've handled it without anna's deep talks late at night as i rest on her shoulder, telling about the things that wear me down.
by the way she always listens intently and offers advice at some points, you'd think she would be better off going to school to be a personal therapist.
i try not to talk about the things that make me upset, because my worst fear is making her upset along with me. because then we're just a couple of miserable mopes, and what's the point of that?
i told her that one night, and she simply smiled.
"but we can be miserable mopes together, baby. that's how we work. together. always," she had said firmly.
i snap back into reality and anna holds out my small bag, pouting a little.
"an," i laugh. "this happens every time. you think i want to leave?"
"no," she sighs. "but it sucks."
after we gather up my things, i wave goodbye to megan, earning a scowl.
"i think she has a crush on you," anna whispers to me as we get in the elevator. "that's why she's so mean."
"what is this, middle school?" i ask, pushing the button to take us to the main floor.
her building is new, which means it has security and you're required a special card to get into the doors of the building. anna tried making me a copy of hers secretly, but got in trouble with the building administration.
so now she just has to go with me everywhere and pick me up outside the glass doors every time i come.
i throw my bag into the passenger seat of my car, and turn back around to face anna. it's getting slightly dark out, and the parking lot lights turn on.
"come here, angel," i mumble, pulling her into a tight, warm hug. she leans her head against my chest, and stays there for a long time.
when she pulls away, her eyes are raw which kills me every. single. time.
if it's a sure way to make me stay longer, it's her starting to cry.
but i push the urge back, knowing i have to make it to a study group tomorrow.
i kiss anna's forehead, and then her lips softly.
"i'll see you soon. i promise."
she steps back, nodding a little and trying not to say anything, because tears will fall.
"before you say anything," i tease slightly, getting behind the wheel and buckling my seatbelt. "i'll drive safe. don't worry about it."
she nods, and let's out a small, choked laugh.
"i love you," she calls out as i slowly back out of the parking spot.
"i love you more."
always.