A/N: You guys are slowly but surely getting what you want... You're welcome...
Three weeks. Three weeks of writing, and working together, and I haven't let a single conversation happen. Mostly because I've gone home hurting every night. It hurts... Sitting here pretending he's nothing to me but a colleague when in reality I'm in love with him. The small talk, and the silly jokes...
It's not been anything I've wanted but I'm doing it for myself. I need this for myself... He's tried too... Not much, because he knows that I won't budge, but he's still tried, and it confuses me. It makes me so mad, but so full, and so confused at the same time.
Today we worked on a piece called Adore You, and it was a happy song but it hurt... It made me mad when they told me it was written on tour. It made me mad because I don't know who the hell it was written about...
I hate not knowing anything. I hate feeling like I've got all eyes on me right now even though I've enjoyed it so much lately. I hate feeling like there's something wrong with me because they know that Harry and I were together.I hate the aspect of the awkward tension between all of us. We try to dance around that, but we all still feel it... Almost every song we've worked on in this studio has been about one of us... So today after hearing Adore You, and pondering the lyrics he wrote all on his own I get my things, and I start for the door, just like everyday we've been here.
"Cherry..." I stop outside the studio door, and turn to him, both of us standing in the hallway now.
"Did I forget something? Or-"
"No... I.. You seem upset, and you've seemed kind of upset the past few days. I just want to make sure you're... That you're okay.." He rubs his arm, the shy nature of his coming out.
"I'm fine..." I give a smile, and nod to him, and he melts a bit.
"Cherry... You've never been one to.. To close yourself off, and I know we said we were keeping it professional, but that doesn't mean I can't be here for you." He mumbles, running his hands through his messy curls.
"That is what it means Harry... I have been upset. I just don't feel comfortable explaining to you that I'm hurting over you okay? I said my peace about it, and I wanted to leave it alone, but it's really hard to let it go when I see you everyday." I tell him truthfully, looking straight into eyes as I do.
"Come over... Talk to me, please talk to me..." He pleads, and I shake my head.
"There's nothing to talk about." I cross my arms over my chest, and he presses his lips together.
"What about the fact that I slept with someone when I promised you I wouldn't. The fact that I didn't speak to you? There... I said it out loud... I'm tired of ignoring it. Don't pretend like there's no stuff to talk about because there is. I fucked up and-"
"Fine.. Fine Harry. I thought I told you how I felt. I don't know what else I can tell you except the fact that it hurts... All of this hurts. I wasn't sure if I'd even see you again, and then you just walk back in like nothing happened. I grew up so much, and you never held me back... Never, but you still pushed me even when you weren't here, and I... I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to feel about you right now. I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel in this situation, and you're making this harder than it needs to be... I don't know why we can't just leave the past in the past." I speak softly, not wanting to be harsh with him.
"Because it's not the past. The feelings I know both of us have right now are not in the past, and I'm saying this. My heart is beating out of my chest right now, and I'm terrified to say any of this stuff to you, but I'm doing it because I hope it will give me something. Anything from you." He pleads, and I feel tears prick my eyes.
"I'm sorry Harry.." I shake my head.
"I miss you Cherry...Come over. Tell me everything, yell at me, cry, scream I don't care, I just... I want you... I want you to be there, I want to know everything, and I'll tell you everything." He pleads, and I shake my head.
"I can't come over. I can't do this... I can't.." I tell him, wiping my tears away quickly.
"Do you.. Do you not feel anything? Did you move on, or did you...."
"Harry... If I'm honest, right now I still see you as the person I met you as, and I don't want to know what the hell happened while you were gone because I don't want that image to be replaced by something that reminds me of Dean. I want to see you as the man I met...."
I want to see you as the man I fell in love with.
"Darling I'm sorry.." He reaches forward, but I back away slowly.
"I know you are..." I nod, and back away, turning around, wiping under my eyes, and going straight to my car. I feel like all I'm going to do is be the same girl I was if I just forgot what he did. I can't sweep it under the rug.
He's not a bad person, but that doesn't mean I'm not so hurt, and so angry at the feelings I've gone through, and still feel. He threw it all away... He doesn't just get to pick up where he left off.. I still feel used... I feel like a piece of trash that was thrown away, but could it all be fake? Everything we went through just for songs? I don't think he's that kind of person... But at the same time, do I really know what kind of person he really is?
As soon as I get home I go out on my balcony instead of the floor. I stare at the sun in the sky, and hold my mug, tea in hand. I'm going to figure it out... I'm going to figure it all out just like I did while he was gone. I'll get through all of this confusion, and this hurt too.
So I sit here, my music playing, and my eyes trained on the sunset that has become close to my newest obsession lately. I love the color of the sunset because it's not even trying... It's one of the most natural sources of beauty in the world, and I can always see it every single day no matter how down I am.. The sunset is a constant, and it feels like nothing else has been constant lately. I watch as the sun sinks, and I sigh, knowing I need to go to bed, or to try to at least. My phone buzzes, and I click it instantly, opening it up.
"Harry, I was going to bed I-"
"I need you.. I need you to come over, I need you to get over to my house please, I-"
"Harry what? What are you talking about?" I ask, and I can hear shuffling.
"Cherry, Darling.. Please... Please come here, please.. I need you right now, and I'm not. I'm not the kind of person who.. I need you to be here, please." He speaks so quickly, and I get up quickly.
"Alright... Um.. Alright I'll be there in a few minutes." I speak quickly, getting my things, slipping on shoes. I stand by everything I said. I'm still angry. I'm still upset. I'm never going to be the person who turns away someone I care about when they need me though.
I get in Sugar, and I drive quickly, knowing I haven't been this way in a long time, riding to his house. I tell myself not to feel nostalgic right now, but it's easy because I feel nervous. I feel scared. He's never been so frantic on the phone, and he's never been so scared... I get to his house and pull in, getting out, locking my doors, and running straight to his front door. I knock a few times, and then just punch in the old code, hoping it works.
"Hello?" I ask, as I walk in, and I hear shuffling in his living room as I do."Harry, where are you?" I call out, and walk into the living room, stopping right as I do.
"I've got it all sorted out, and I-" He's standing in the middle of his living room, and the entirety of it is covered in papers. He's got some in his hands too, and he's hardly even paying attention to me.
"Harry... Harry what are you doing?" I ask, walking forward, stepping around the papers the best I can, hardly looking at them. I'm looking at him, concerned with how he's acting right now.
"I just need to find the one-"
"Harry, look at me!" I raise my voice, and grab his arms, stopping his movement. He stops instantly, and looks at my hands, and then up to me. I glance at the papers in his hands, and recognize the title on the top of the page, my blood going cold. "Is that my song?" I ask softly.
"Cherry I-" He starts, and I take it from his hands, seeing that it is my song. I turn around, and look at the other papers, seeing what they are all my songs. Every single paper is a song I've written.
"Harry what the hell is this? Why are all my songs printed out? What is this?" I ask sharply, and he reaches for the papers, searching through them ,the frantic nature coming back. His eyes are laced with red too, showcasing he's tired... or maybe he's been crying I couldn't tell you.
"Here.. Here." He holds up a notebook, and holds it in his arms.
"I know you're mad, I know you're upset, and I get it, and I know you told me how you felt at Beachwood, but I was so confused, and I miss you, and I know why you said no so many times and I get it, but you're upset, and I needed to know.. I needed to know it all." He shakes his head.
"Know what?" I ask, and he holds his notebook up.
"I needed to know how you felt for four months. I needed you to know what I caused in your life I needed to know everything, and I knew you wouldn't tell me, and I know why, but I needed to know so I looked in the only place I knew I could, and I'm sorry, but I needed to know." He shakes his head, and I've never seen him so frantic, and all over the place. It's hard to see, and I would love to try and understand it but I'm so upset now. I'm upset he went to my lyrics like this,
"You printed out all my songs?" I ask softly, lookin around me, seeing the bits that are highlighted in each part.
"Not all of them, just the ones you made since I left.... I went through all of them, and I highlighted the parts that stuck out to me so I could feel it all, and know everything..." He tells me, and I see him panic, which makes my heart race.
"Harry... Calm down please... Please calm down, hey.." I stand closer, and he takes a deep breath. I take the notebook from him, and hold it between us, looking straight in his eyes. "Calm down please..." I speak as softly as I can, and he looks down, swallowing hard.
"May I?" He asks, and starts taking the notebook slowly, and I let him. He looks down, bringing one of his fingers to his lips as he looks down.
"Stupid the lyrics "You're so bad for my health but I just can't help myself, I'm so stupid for you.." The untitled song that you wrote for me..The untitled one.. Then there's Sunflower Vol. 6. "Your flowers just died, plant new seeds in their memory. Let me inside, I want to get to know yah." Then there's I Can't Breathe... "Now my body and mind are so distant. Don't know how to escape from this prison... How can I free my mind? Cause I can't breathe..." He speaks out, and he's pacing, but all of this feels so odd.
"Harry why are you-"
"I'm not done... Hold on.. Then there was All I Want.. "All I have is myself at the end of the day, and all I want is for that to be okay." If The World Was Ending.. "I know, you know, we know we weren't down for each other and it's fine... If the world was ending you'd come over right?" Tonight... This song Cherry.. "I know you'll be with somebody else by dawn, but I'll stick around... Just for tonight, there's so much I can say.. I'll save it for another day..." Then there's Blue... " How do I, how do I hold you? Who do I? Who do I turn to when you clear through the blue.." Rose Colored Boy... "Hey man we all can't be like you... I wish we were all rose colored too, my rose colored boy.." He stops, and shakes his head.
"What We Had.. "I don't want to say it because I know it's bad, but I don't want nobody having what we had..." You Were Good To Me... "I know it's easier to run after everything we've done, but you were good to me." Another Round.. "Guess I miss who I was back then when we were dancing through our messed up lives.." He eyes me now and I look away from him, feeling tears swell in my eyes.
"Harry I don't understand why you're doing this.." I whisper.
"One second... Just one more second..." He pleads, and I don't reply. "Coffee..."I envy the cup of coffee that kisses you every morning.." All the comparisons in that song, and then there's You Broke Me First.. "Maybe you don't like talking too much about yourself... But you Should have told me you were thinking about someone else.." I don't.... I..." He shakes his head, and then goes back to his list. "All The Fucking Time... "I want you to want me, all the fucking time... Why you gotta be so good? Where you go when it's over.." Perfectly Wrong... " Me And You we were meant to break, I know that it's true but it's much too late... You're perfectly wrong for me." Rome.... "All these memories run my mind in slow motion.. Do you remember when, midnight drives when you'd sing? I'd play you songs you were in. I just wanna be there again...""
This one... This one hurt me to read, and I can't imagine how it... It's Happiest Year.. "I'm here to admit you were my medicine. I couldn't quit, and I'm down on my knees again, asking for nothing... Thank you for the happiest year of my life." I'm..." He shakes his head, obviously trying to figure his words out.
"There Comes A Time.. "There comes a time when you give everything you have just have them take it all away. And there comes a moment when you think they're always gonna stay just to watch them go and run away..." Better Off... "Thank you for the pain, thank you for the tears, thank you for leaving me all alone." Million Reasons.... "I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away... but baby I just need one good one to stay." I Wish I Was The Moon... "I wish I could disappear..Cause I know I can't stay here with or without you..." and last... Darling last is the song called A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant To Be... I know you wrote more, but this song... The lyrics, all of them.." My blood runs cold... I feel my heart beat faster, and I close my eyes tight, feeling the tears slip out as I tilt my head down..
"I never should have kissed your hand... I'm under your control, I will never understand.... I never even said I love you.." He pauses, and I keep my eyes closed. "You... You love me... You did love me... At least you... You felt-" His voice is soft, and I open my eyes nodding.
"I do.." I break his voice off with my own, and he freezes where he is. There's no hiding this at all anymore. "I do love you. I love you, and I have since before you left for tour. I didn't say it, and I'm saying it now to your face, so if that's why you called me here, if you called me here to make me feel worse than I already did, if you called me here to embarrass me, and have me tell you that then you got it." I speak out, and hear the ear piercing silence I've felt comfortable in lately. I don't right now though, I hate this silence. "I'm just going to... I'm just going to go, I.. I'm leaving." I shake my head, and he panics again.
"No, no no wait that's not... That's not why I called you here. I.. Darling I wrote something and I need you to play it, I'll sing it, I just need you to hear it, and I need to talk to you about this, please." He pleads, and I know he's not opening up to me... He's opening me up to him, and I didn't want this.. But I can't tell him no.
"Where is it?" I ask softly, and he moves quickly to the piano, opening up his journal, pointing to the chords. I sit down, and look at the chords, wiping my cheeks.
*play song now*
I play the pretty melody, and do what I do best, drowning out my feelings with music, but this song is only pulling me feelings more, and more.
"I'm in my bed... and you're not here. There's no one to blame, but the drink in my wandering hands..." It stings. It burns hearing the lyrics, the pained, and raw lyrics.
"Forget what I said.. It's not what I meant. I can't take it back, I can't unpack the baggage I left.." I breathe out, already crying again, but continuing to play.
"What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling.. What if I'm down, What if I'm out? What if I'm someone you won't talk about? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling." I blink my tears out of my eyes, trying to focus. He's being vulnerable right now with song.. This is him being vulnerable.
"You said you cared, and you missed me too. And I'm well aware that I write too many songs about you..." The chords are heavy, and his voice is so raw, and heard right now which hurts more than before.
"And the coffee's out... at the beachwood cafe... and it kills me cause I know we've run out of things we can say..." My heart stops. He's written this recently. He's felt this hurt, and pain recently.
"What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling... What if I'm down? What If I'm out? What If I'm someone you won't talk about? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling..." He sings, his breathing heavy, but not as heavy as my heart is right now. I don't even glance in his direction. I stare at the page in front of me, and feel so much hurt, and weight inside of me.
"And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again... What am I now? What am I now? What if you're someone I just want around? I'm falling again I'm-." I stop playing straight away, and he stops too. I move frantically, and get up from the chair.
"I'm sorry..." I break right away, my tears hitting me like a wall. "I'm sorry I. I can't do this." I shake my head, and grab my keys, and move quickly.
"Cherry please... Cherry please don't leave, please." He follows me as I walk, and I grab the door, not saying another word as my eyes pour over. "Cherry I'm sorry, please talk to me, please let me-" I slam the door , knowing it could be harsh, but I can't do it.
I can't be here. He hurt me, he hurt me more than I can explain, but not only did he do that I did the same to him.. It wasn't just me either. He is hurt by outside forces. He's struggling right now, and I've done nothing but make it worse than it was before. I've spiked his insecurity, and I've hurt his confidence, and I need to be alone right now. He never meant to cause pain, but neither did I...
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Song: Falling by Harry Styles
Okay I strongly encourage you to go listen to bits and pieces of the songs Harry spoke about in this chapter the Darling wrote... here's a list my friends.
Rome- Dermot Kennedy (please if you listen to any of them listen to this one and CRY!)
Happiest Year - Jaymes Young
Coffee- Tori Kelly
Better Off- William Sheats
Stupid- Tate McRae
Perfectly Wrong- Shawn Mendes
I Can't Breathe - Bea Miller
You Were Good To Me - Jeremy Zucker
What We Had- Sody
Tonight- Suzy Jones
All I Want- Olivia Rodrigo
Another Round- Elina
Rose Colored Boy- Paramore
You Broke Me First- Tate McRae
Million Reasons- Lady Gaga
I Wish I Was The Moon - Ewan J Phillips
There Comes A Time- Maggie Miles
All The Fucking Time - Loote
Blue- Morgxn
If The World Was Ending- JP Saxe
Sunflower Vol. 6- Harry Styles
Alright next important thing........ I really hope y'all caught the connection.... remember when Harry had a nightmare of Darling leaving him..... well something from this chapter seemed pretty familiar to me idk.....
Next chapter is in Harry's POV and I'm EXCITED.