warnings : angst
summary : reader has feelings for tom .. but does he have them too?
word count : 2300
note : this is to take place as if the covid-19 was not currently happening (sorry, its hard to adjust writing to fit quarantine)
a/n : i couldnt pick a title for this, so i chose two ! also - ive had a lot of requests for a part two of "why?" let me know it you're interested in it :)
Y/N has lived with the boys since when they first got the house; she was the lifeline of it all. She kept the fridge stocked, the rooms clean, and the laundry folded. She made sure the garden was tended to and she did it all without complaints, without being asked.
She was quiet, and shy. Harrison knew her well enough to know that she had strong feelings for Tom, feelings that outgrew being just friends. The truth was, she was probably in love with Tom. She would never admit it because she hadn't come to that realization; loving someone was one thing, but being in love with someone who didn't even know about their feelings? That was a whole new playing field.
Although Harry and Harrison and Sam and even her best friend tried to convince her to talk to Tom about it, Y/N was dead certain on keeping her mouth shut. Tom would never like her back, he was out of her league. She was almost certain that if he were to date anyone, it would be someone in Hollywood, who was all kinds of gorgeous and stunning -- everything Y/N wasn't. At least, she wasn't those things in her mind. She knew Tom had a type, and she did not fall in the category he was interested in. So, she settled on staying his best friend; watching from the sidelines like the side character she was.
But this wasn't a way to live: harboring feelings for a man she lived with. Granted, everyone had their own rooms, but they spent so much time together that it was almost inevitable to catch feelings. Once, for a split second, Y/N had a sliver of hope that Tom did like her back, that her feelings weren't one sided. He seemed to enjoy flirting with her, lending her his hoodies and spending countless nights watching movies together. She pondered the thought for only a second, reasoning that maybe Tom didn't even know that the feelings he was feeling for her was love, but all thoughts of that were disposed of immediately, despite what everyone was telling her. That is, everyone but Tom.
Y/N wasn't good with feelings; she wasn't good at saying what she wanted or how she was feeling, so admitting anything would take great courage. It was like that growing up: she just never felt the need to say anything that went through her head, feeling so insignificant that it would make no difference if she did speak up.
They were in Y/N's room. What started out as a small movie marathon with Harry turned into a movie night with Tuwaine, Tom, and Harrison joining them. Tom had gone to get refreshments, leaving the group to, once again, talk about Y/N and her feelings for Tom.
"Y/N," Harrison started. "It's not a crime to like somebody."
"I know," she said quietly.
"So why don't you tell him?" Harry said.
"Because I don't want to . I know he doesn't like me back, so what's the point?" She reasoned quietly, softly, almost as if she had accepted it and given up on the idea of being with Tom.
"Y/N, I'm his best friend. I know him -- and he does like you back," Harrison said softly.
"Yeah, my brother could not be more smitten for you," Harry added.
"Just tell him," Tuwaine said. "It'll be alright."
Y/N nodded slowly, hesitantly, as she debated if the boys were right.
"Just tell him," Harrison said.
"Tell who what?" Tom said, walking in with a tray of drinks and a handful of different snacks.
Everyone was silent, exchanging glances as Y/N decided on what to do. As if knowing, the three boys left the pair alone, giving them their privacy.
"What's up?" Tom said, setting the food down on her desk as he sat in next to her on her bed.
"I- uhm.."
"Hey," Tom said. "It's just me, okay?"
Y/N nodded again, taking a deep breath before beginning. "I think I-" she paused.
Tom nodded at her reassuringly, making sure she was as comfortable as she could be.
"I love you," she said quietly.
"Oh. I love you too," Tom replied almost immediately, but Y/N shook her head.
"No, Tom. I love you."
Tom went quiet, head tilted back slightly in realization of what she meant. As expected, he didn't return the saying.
"Y/N," he said quietly, slightly dragging out the syllables. "You know I love you.. you're my best friend. But I don't .. love you in.. that way." He said 'that' in a slightly disgusted way, as if the mere thought of liking her back was just utterly, completely wrong. As if it were a disease that you wouldn't want to be near, or poison that would ruin everything.
Her head hung low as tears filled her eyes. She willed herself not to cry, but she knew her body would end up betraying her eventually. She nodded weakly, knowing she was right all along.
"Please, don't cry. I never want to hurt you," Tom started. "I just- you know I can't-"
"Tom, I think you should leave," she interrupted quietly. Tom went quiet again.
In all their time as best friends, Y/N had never once felt uncomfortable around Tom; he was her safe haven. But as of right now, Y/N was suffocating. The uncomfortable feeling she got whenever something bad happened was swallowing her, forcing her to get away. And for once, she listened to herself.
"Y/N-"
"Tom, please leave," she said, voice rising slightly. He placed a hand on her knee, as if to comfort her, but she only flinched at the touch. The reaction hurt Tom more than he thought it would, but he removed his hand, getting up from his spot on the bed and closing the door behind him.
***
The next week was rough, not only for Y/N, but for everyone. She spent every second of it in her room, never stepping out of it for longer than she had to. Her bedroom was accompanied with it's own bathroom, so showering wasn't an issue. She only went to eat when she was certain Tom was out of the house. Avoiding him wouldn't be easy, but she managed. As for everyone else in the household, it was like Y/N had just disappeared. The house wasn't as lively, or as happy as it used to be with her countless jokes and delicate care.
Deep down, a part of her blamed the boys. For pushing her, for getting her hopes up. She didn't want to blame them, but a part of her always would, she thought.
She was in the kitchen getting water when the boys, everyone but Tom, came in.
"Y/N," Harrison said.
"How're you-"
"I don't wanna talk," she interrupted Harry.
"Please, just- are you okay?"
"Not really," she said, making her way to the stairs. The boys followed her out, continuing their conversation.
"Wh-"
"Look, guys," she said softly, turning around to face them as she stopped in the middle of the hallway. "I love you, but I never should've listened to you. You were wrong."
They were quiet, ridden with guilt. She was partly right, but Y/N knew better. She knew she couldn't go on blaming the boys when it was very clear who was to blame. It was her own fault, for catching feelings even though she knew Tom would never reciprocate them. In the end, it would always be her fault.
During her week of isolation, Y/N had come to the realization that she might be able to get over it if she had space; time away from Tom and everything related to him. It was hard, though, when she was the first thing everyone thought of when the topic of Tom was brought up. Everyone thought they were a couple, thought they should be together. That is, everyone but Tom. The feeling of being hated intensified throughout the week, and being here, in the hallway with the boys, only made her feel worse.
"I don't blame you, I really don't," Y/N assured them.
Before they replied, somebody was coming up the stairs. Tom emerged, glancing from Tuwaine, to the rest of the boys, before his eyes settled on Y/N, who had deep, dark bags under her slightly red, puffy eyes. He stared at her for a minute too long, because the small smile that came after it told Y/N that it was a fake one. She knew him too well, well enough to know that he only used that smile with people who gave him any feeling other than joy and love. Before this week, Y/N would never be one of those people, but there was always a first time for everything.
"Hey, Y/N," Tom said softly, fake comfort in his voice. "How're you doing?"
She rolled her eyes, knowing that attitude and sarcasm were a great defense mechanism for her. She spun back around, slamming the door in all four of their faces, the lock clicking right after.
***
The next week, she didn't leave her room at all. Her best friend, [Y/B/F], was her main source of life; bringing her food and water, doing her laundry, as well as buying a few cardboard moving boxes.
Y/N had spent so much time wallowing away in her feelings, drowning in every negative thought as the realization swallowed her: she was unlovable. Of course Tom would never love her, she was just a useless side character, after all. [Y/B/F] came to hate Tom, for leading Y/N on, for getting her hopes up, and most importantly, for breaking her. The amount of times [y/b/f] had to convince Y/N that she was worth it was astonishing.
By the end of week two, Y/N had secretly packed up every thing she owned. She was moving in with [Y/B/F]. It would be easier that way. The two girls missed each other greatly, and Y/N couldn't bare living in the same house as Tom, knowing that they would eventually have a very awkward and uncomfortable friendship. Instead, she chose to not have Tom at all. Granted, the only reason she didn't want to tell Tom about her feelings was the fear of losing him, but that, too, was inevitable.
Y/N and her best friend had the house to themselves. They were moving boxes into the trunk of the car, slightly excited about being roommates for the first time since college.
For the first time since Y/N moved in, the fridge was empty. The laundry was piled high, wrinkled and unorganized, and the garden weeds were growing wildly. The lawn was too grassy, practically begging for a trim from the lawn mower. But it all meant nothing, doing so much for someone, giving them your heart and asking for the smallest amount of love in return, only to be disregarded as somebody who was unworthy of being loved.
The four of them were out with Paddy, eating lunch and probably playing a few games of mini golf. They were back in the middle of Y/N's moving-out attempt.
Tom was first to step out of the car, running to Y/N and [Y/B/F].
"Y/N?" he wheezed out, the other three boys trailing behind him as they stood in shock. "Where- where are you going? What're you doing?"
"Leaving," she said simply, seriously. Positively.
[Y/B/F] came out of the house with the last box, adding it to the group in the car before standing with Y/N in front of the boys.
"She's moving out."
"Why?" Tom said.
"Because I can't be near you, or anything related to you," Y/N replied honestly. "It's not worth it."
Tom's shoulders slumped in realization that he caused this, all this damage and destruction and disaster. "C'mon, you can't just leave us like this. After all we've been through-"
"After all we've been through?" Y/N repeated. "As if that's supposed to mean something to me now?" She didn't say it with sass, or disgust or anything other than pure curiosity and pain.
"You can't honestly- like.. throw all of this away. Just because of some fe-"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Tom," Y/N warned, tears present in her eyes once again. "They are my feelings, and I'm tired of being second best. I'm tired of not even being an option. For once, I'm choosing me," Y/N said. "And you know? It's nice to be prioritized for once."
"Since when have you-"
But Tom didn't get to finish that sentence either, because Y/N wasn't finished talking. "You didn't deserve my heart," she said. "I'm not letting anyone have this much power over me, ever again," she said, thinking about the past two weeks, and how she's never felt so lowly in her entire life. "All this pain and hurt and anger I had to go through alone. And you know, Tom?"
He looked at her, tears faint but present in his eyes too.
"You weren't worth it."
Throughout the entire conversation, Y/N, not once, spoke with sarcasm, disgust, or attitude. She spoke softly, honestly. She wasn't trying to make Tom feel bad, or make sure he felt as lowly as she did, because she didn't want that. After everything, Tom was still someone who was apart of her life, and she would never want anything less than happiness for him, even if he hurt her.
The pair of girls maneuvered around the group of boys, Harry and Harrison both giving Y/N looks of sentiment and sympathy. Y/N only gave them a glance, before sitting in the passenger seat and leaving them on the driveway, lost for the first time since meeting her.
But, there was always a first time for everything.