"You guys have done an amateur job casing this joint," spoke up Joker. "Just saying. You sure you're all real criminals, and not just nutcases?"
"Believe me, we've cased it plenty from the inside over the years, Mr. J," retorted Harley. "You don't remember, but I busted you outta here not so long ago."
"What was I in here for?" asked Joker.
"Being crazy," retorted Two-Face. "Just like the rest of us. The clue's kinda in the name Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane..."
"Y'know, I often thought that if the cops ever caught me, I'd try to get off on an insanity plea," said Joker, thoughtfully. "Maybe this clown persona you keep talking about did just that. Maybe he's only pretending to be crazy to avoid jail or the chair."
"Maybe that's something we all do," retorted Ivy. "J's hardly original like that. Though I admit it would be hard to fake his type of insanity."
"The Joker does know how to commit to a gimmick, you've got to give him that," said Tetch, nodding.
"He used to," agreed Harley. "And I really miss that about him. It's weird for Mr. J to just look at you blankly when you ask him to blow the whoopie cushion..."
"Ok, let's not have Harley give us images that won't let us sleep later, and get to work instead," interrupted Ivy. She held up a walkie-talkie. "Johnny, how's the guardhouse looking from where you are?"
"The guard has just finished what I believe is termed a 'big gulp' soda, which should mean about a gallon of liquid is pressing urgently on his bladder," replied Crane from the walkie talkie. "I would surmise a bathroom break is in order shortly."
"Must be that PhD that makes him so smart," muttered Two-Face under his breath.
"I heard that!" snapped Crane. "I don't have to go through all this rigmarole if I'm only going to be abused for it!"
"Johnny, I really appreciate what you're doing for Mr. J," cooed Harley into the walkie-talkie.
"But she's still not gonna sleep with you," finished Joker. "That pie is all mine!"
"Oh God, I think I'm gonna be sick," muttered Ivy.
"Could everyone please be quiet – we're not invisible here, you know, and this isn't a sanatorium for the deaf!" snapped Tetch. He, Harley, Joker, Ivy, and Two-Face were all gathered behind the back wall of Arkham Asylum. Crane had been voted the lightest out of all the group, so he had been the one they had lifted rather unwillingly over the wall to scout out the current security measures.
There was a reason there were so many regular breakouts from Arkham Asylum, and that was because the security, despite head doctor Leland's frequent pleas to her staff and the city council, was notoriously lax. The guards, as might be expected, were less than enthusiastic about their job (that tended to happen when you risked being horribly murdered by the inmates every day) and so did as little work as possible as badly as possible. They couldn't be fired, since nobody else would take their jobs for even double the salary, so they basically did whatever they wanted. And what the guard in the guardhouse wanted at this particular moment was a bathroom break.
"He's gone," said Crane through the walkie-talkie as the guard headed into the asylum for the toilet. "You are clear to enter."
"Y'know, I woulda just shot the guard," retorted Joker. "But then I wouldn't be planning a break-in into a mental asylum. No profit in that. The loonies don't keep cash on 'em as far as I know, and even the doctors ain't stupid enough to carry their massive salaries around in their wallets."
"We're not doing this for profit – we're doing this so Harley is stuck with a different but equally annoying version of you," retorted Ivy.
"Yes, and it's dreadfully small-minded of you to only commit crimes for profit," commented Tetch.
"Why else would anybody ever commit a crime?" demanded Joker. "See, I told you, you people aren't real criminals! The only reason to break the law is for money, or to get ahead of your rival gangs somehow. Or occasionally for fun, but I don't see how breaking into a madhouse is any of those things!"
"Mr. J woulda thought it was fun," sighed Harley, gloomily. "Woulda said it'd be quite the joke, breaking into someplace we always broke out of..."
"See, you don't even need him, Harley – you already know what he'd say and do," said Tetch, hopefully.
Harley glared at him. "Jervis, we already agreed we'd do this. Now let's hurry up and get inside before the guard comes back."
They all hurried under the barrier and met Crane on the other side of the wall. "The window to the cell block is open," he said. "We can try sneaking in that way."
"What about the guards?" asked Harley.
"Lunch break," said Crane. "It's Saturday, remember? They all take their lunch en masse at noon."
"God bless those condemned to the routine drudgery of a schedule," sighed Tetch, as they headed around the corner of the building to the window adjacent to the cell block. "We'll need to head through the cell block to the intensive therapy room."
"Shouldn't be a problem – I doubt the guards will be cutting their lunch short," said Two-Face, checking his watch.
They climbed through the window and into the familiar confines of the cell block. It was relatively empty – only the Riddler sat in his cell, his brow furrowed in concentration over a sheet of paper with numerous figures on it. Tetch put a finger to his lips, trying to avoid Riddler's attention, and they all crept quietly down the hall through the cell block.
"What are you all doing here?" asked Riddler, suddenly, looking up.
"Edward, we...didn't notice you there," lied Crane, hurriedly. "We were just...heading to intensive therapy."
"Why?" asked Riddler.
"It's for a...science experiment," said Crane, slowly.
"Oh. Well, you'd better hurry," said Riddler. "Dr. Leland's going to be here any minute for the inspection."
"What inspection?" asked Crane.
"Some surprise thing set up by the mayor's office," replied Riddler, looking back down at his notes. "I've prepared some riddles for the occasion, but I doubt anyone in the mayor's party will be able to answer them."
"Great! We had to pick today to break in!" growled Two-Face.
They suddenly heard the door to the cell block open. "Quick, everyone, hide!" snapped Ivy.
"Where?" demanded Harley.
"In our cells!" she retorted.
"But they'll know we weren't there earlier!" protested Crane.
"That depends on how well we can all act," snapped Ivy, racing into her cell and shutting the door. The others followed suit, Harley shoving Joker into his and slamming the door before securing herself in hers.
A moment later, Dr. Leland strode into the cell block followed by a procession of men in suits. "While our cell block's a little bare at the moment, I can assure you that our facility is fully equipped to handle..."
She trailed off, staring into the cells at the familiar faces. "Jonathan?" she said, puzzled.
"Yes?" asked Crane, trying to look casual as he pretended he had just risen from bed.
"Have you...been here the whole time?" asked Dr. Leland, slowly.
"Why yes, of course I have," he replied, lightly. "It's not like I'd break in here for any reason, is there?"
"But...I could have sworn you weren't..." she stammered.
"I trust, Dr. Leland, that all patients who should be here are here," said the mayor, looking around. "That is your job, after all. And I, for one, am relieved that the likes of the Joker, Two-Face, and Poison Ivy are no longer on the loose to threaten our fair city."
"But...I don't understand...how..." stammered Dr. Leland.
"Hey! I'm a threat to Gotham too!" snapped Harley.
"And so is Jack Napier!" exclaimed Joker. "Don't tell me you chumps have forgotten him already?! The scourge of Gotham's gangland!"
"Jack Napier...what are you talking about, Joker?" asked Dr. Leland.
"I am also a threat to Gotham," spoke up Crane, changing the subject hastily. "And feel offended at being left out of your assessment."
"Yes, how rude of you to ignore half the room in your relief," snapped Tetch.
"Half the room...I don't understand...what you're all doing here," stammered Dr. Leland, baffled.
"I can give you the answer in the form of a riddle," spoke up Riddler. "But only if you can answer this riddle, which is actually what the answer to the first riddle is: if you know me, you'll want to share me. But if you share me, I'll be gone. What am I?"
"Well, let's move on," said the mayor, hastily. "Before we're forced to endure any more madness. Well done, Dr. Leland – everything looks under control here," he said, heading for the door with his colleagues following him.
"But...you...they..." began Dr. Leland, but then she shrugged. "Well, I don't know how it happened, but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth," she said. "Thanks for behaving, everyone."
"No problem, Joan!" said Harley, cheerfully.
"The answer to the riddle is a secret! It's a secret!" shouted Riddler after them, but the door to the cell block shut again, and everyone let out a collective sigh of relief.
"Come on, let's press on to intensive therapy before we're faced with another surprise," said Tetch, opening his cell door.
"Aren't you all going to let me out?" asked Riddler as they headed out of the cell block.
They paused and shared looks. "Nah, sorry, Eddie," said Harley. "You'll only be in the way. You should probably just stay where you are. Think up some more riddles, huh?"
"That's really for the best – the more people we have, the more our risk of getting caught increases," said Tetch, nodding. "You understand, don't you, Edward?"
"But..." began Riddler.
"There's a good fellow," interrupted Tetch. "Come along, everyone."
They left the cell block by the door at the other end leading to intensive therapy, leaving Riddler alone. He glared after them, and then muttered, "Fine. I'll have my revenge. I'll ask them an impossible riddle, just you wait and see. That'll show them..."