Aven Brooks
When I opened my eyes, I felt the comfortable warmth of the bedsheets I was tangled in. With an instant headache and sharpness to my eyes, I realized even before opening my eyelids that I left my contacts in. Wiring my eyes open, I was staring up at the white ceiling that had natural light pouring into the room. I felt warm and swaddle into the blankets like I could stay here forever, I shut my eyes again and rolled onto my side.
But then, I heard the sounds of ruffling from someone else in the room, immediately making me red alert because I wasn't alone.
I open my eyes immediately from the noise, my vision immediately taking in Harry sitting at the table with his feet up and the chair titled back. He was in a black shirt and grey track pants, hair pushed back out of his face as he was the one making noise. He had my giant duffle bag on the table, opened up with all my gear out on the table like he was rummaging through it all.
In his hands was one of my film cameras, his fingers toying with the buttons before he brought the viewfinder to his eye and took a flash photo of his feet. He jumped a bit when he did it, seeming like he didn't mean to take the picture.
Was I seeing straight? My contacts were still in so my eyes were dry as hell so I couldn't really see clearly. I must've fell asleep in his room last night because the last thing I remember was laying here and waiting for him in the bathroom.
I stared at him voyaging through all my camera equipment, looking like a kid in a toy store. It's like he didn't know how things worked and he was figuring it out as we went. It didn't seem like he was looking for anything specific or being snoopy, he just wanted to see how everything works. He was very casual about it, tipped back in his chair with his feet up on the table surrounded by my equipment.
I lift my tired head up from the pillow, squinting my eyes at the window light behind his head. He didn't realize I was awake and watching him. I couldn't see the look of concentration on his bare face as his feet were overlapped together on the table. He had really big feet, I don't think I've ever seen him without socks on.
He was holding my old polaroid camera, the lens facing him as he examined all the buttons on the front and what they did.
"What are y—"
My voice must've startled him because he suddenly clicked the capture button on accident, causing the flash to go off right in his face and very close to his eyes.
"Mother fu—" he drops the camera on his lap and brings his palms to his eyes in reflex.
I widen my eyes at the incident, shooting up more straight in the bed to see him rubbing his sight back to life.
"Are you alright?" I was barely awake yet, witnessing how much he just blinded himself.
"Fuckin— cocksucker shit..." He rubs his eyes at the sting.
He uncovered and opened his one eye towards me, still rubbing the other as I'm sure he was seeing spots. The flash went directly in his eyes, super close to his face. It was actually funny but I felt too bad for laughing yet.
"I didn't realize you were awake." He says mid struggling rub.
"Why are you going through all that equipment?" I was still barely awake, squinting through my contacts that were suffocating my eyes.
"I was bored and I wanted to see all the unnecessary shit you carry around for every show." He puts his hands down but blinks obsessively to get the full vision back again.
"I'm a photographer."
"And I only ever see you with one camera at the show, you have like twenty here." He looks back down at the bag that was open.
"My photography life doesn't revolve around Duplicity you know." I sit up completely in the white duvet bed, a minor headache.
"I can see that." He looks back down at the polaroid camera that has dispensed out the picture he took.
He pulls it out and looks at it almost developed, rolling his eyes when he saw what was taken. He turns the picture to me to see it was a shot of his eyes and forehead.
"Cute." I chuckle.
"Mm." He hums in disapproval, tossing it to the side.
I yawn and run my hands back in my hair, but when I did I caught a glimpse of clothes that definitely weren't mine. In the corner of my eye I saw baggy black material on me as I stretched my arms up. When I looked down completely, I saw I was in a rugged Pink Floyd shirt, and on my bottom half I was in very loose black track pants. These were obviously not mine and definitely were Harry's, but before I said anything I realized how much I don't remember changing into these.
"What am I wearing?" I say with my body swimming in his apparel.
"You passed out in jeans, I did you a favour." He spoke to my right.
I turned and looked at him still rummaging through the bag freely, going through more equipment and cameras.
"I was that knocked out?" I arch my brow.
"Yep, made it a real bitch trying to get your arms through the t-shirt." He scuffles with his heels crossed on the table.
I look down at my pants and out of curiosity pull up the band to see if I was wearing anything underneath. But when I peaking under the material, I saw how I wasn't wearing any underwear.
"Oh god I was stripped naked?" My cheeks burned immediately as I turned my head to him.
He arched his notched brow looking at me.
"Yeah.."
"That's so embarrassing." I put my head in my hands and shake back and forth.
"You're embarrassed I saw you naked while you were asleep?" He was confused.
"Yes." I nodded hastily.
"But you're not embarrassed when I literally have my head digging between you naked legs?" He says to make a point.
"That's different." I was quick to presume.
He lets out a pensive laugh, tossing his head back.
"How the hell is that different?"
"That's in sexual desire!" I defend.
He laughs some more and shakes his head, turning back to the bag and digging through it again. I stretched my arms back and yawned for the second time, running my hair back. I needed to shower, badly.
"Why do you have an inhaler in here?" He pulls out the blue plastic hardware, turning his head to me again.
"I keep one in each bag as a backup." I crack my stiff wrists.
I fold his lips down a bit, nodding while turning to the inhaler. He reads the label on the side before analyzing the rest of the object like he was gonna he tested on it in the distant future, popping off the dark blue mouth cover to look inside of it.
"Can you get high from this?" He shakes it and asks in total seriousness.
I've never had that question before.
"No I don't thi—"
He puffs it in his mouth before I was finished answering, my eyes widening.
I could hear the cold artificial air enter his throat as his chest puffed a bit, he immediately puckered his face and pulled it away like it tasted bad.
"Harry!"
"What is that?" He shakes his head in disgust.
"It's medicated oxygen for my lungs." I point out strongly.
"And it tastes like shit."
I get out of bed next to him to stomp up and yank the inhaler out of his hand, he had a cheeky smile on his face as I did it. I put the cap on and toss it back in the bag.
"You're a funny guy." I murmur in an sarcastic tone.
"I know." He smiles proudly with child like light in his green eyes.
I grab all the camera and gadgets, tossing them back in the bag so he stopped fiddling with everything. Next time I go to use a camera I'll probably discover how off all the settings are. I have to hold my pants up with one hand because they were too loose for my hips, making me awkwardly having to put everything back in the bag with my one hand.
"Pants a little loose huh?" He points out, facing my side in his chair. I had to work around his feet up on the table mixed will all the gear.
"It's not like their a men's large or anything." I chuckle while keeping a balled grip in the material.
"I think a thank you is in order."
I roll my eyes and shake my head, putting the last camera in the bag so they were all together again.
"I'm sure you'd like that." I smirk a bit playfully, turning to the bed and falling back onto it again. I stretch out on my back, arching off the king mattress that I could tell was expensive.
He stands up from his chair and steps over to me on the bed. He gets on the mattress by his knees and falls over me, hands digging into the bedding next to my head. He looks down at me arching my back to stretch, glancing up into his puffy morning eyes.
"You slept over." He spoke. I realized he smelled pleasantly of mint, meaning he's already brushed his teeth and cleaned himself up.
I have not.
I instantly put my forearm over my mouth so he could only see my nose and eyes. He furrowed his brows at my action immediately.
"What are you doing?" He asks in suspect.
"I haven't brushed my teeth yet." I muffle into my arm so I was barely audible, but enough to make out the words.
I never understood in movies and books where the girls wake up so perfect and clean like morning breath was never a thing. He smells great, I probably do not and I don't wanna take the chance of my breath smelling bad when he's hovered above me.
He grins and looks down at my arm over my mouth.
"I don't care."
"Does that mean I do have morning breath?" I widen my eyes and murmured into my arm.
"No, no I'm saying I don't care if you did or not." He corrects. "Which you don't."
"Can I borrow your mouth wash?" I still was speaking into my arm, not taking the chance in his words.
"Will you talk to me normally?"
I nodded.
"Alright go for it then." He rolls off to the empty space on the bed, landing on his back and giving me access to get up.
I flew up to my feet, holding the track pants so they wouldn't fall to my ankles when I walked. I shuffled over to the bathroom, seeing his bottle of purple mouthwash on the counter. I just needed something to tie me over until I can use my toothbrush in my own room. Regardless it will make me feel better.
"So you do remember last night right?" He speaks up through the wall.
I laughed under my breath to myself because I don't know how I could forget what happened last night.
"Yes..." I wondered where this was going as I unscrewed the mouthwash cap.
"And you're like...fine with it right?" He asked with partial uncertainty.
"Why wouldn't I be, I did initiate it didn't I?" I say before taking a swig if the minty chemical, letting it half fill my cheeks. I start swishing the burn through my mouth in different directions, hoping it leaves me with a minty scent like him.
He suddenly pops in the doorway, leaning against the frame with his hand extending out to hold the other side. I don't know why he always looked so intimidatingly tall to me, it's like I forget every time.
"I just wanna make sure you don't regret it, you were kinda drunk. Usually if I mess around with a girl when she's impaired, I kinda like to assure myself that it's okay." He explains in a consenting manor.
Those two sentences are so assuring to hear from a guy, I don't think he realizes it. Despite the absinthe making me see crazy shit, I do remember everything and how he brought up consent a few times. It made me feel safer with him.
I spit in the sink, feeling the burn in my cheeks and tongue. I pulled a sour face before answering.
"That means a lot you're making sure, but yes I initiated it so I knew what I was doing." I say while bending down to the faucet and turning on the cold water to rinse, washing my mouth out.
I couldn't help but be a bit surprised with his behaviour.
"I know you initiated it," He subconsciously grabs my hair and pulls it out of my face so it wouldn't fall in the sink as I rinsed. "But people also wanna back out halfway and they feel like they can't."
I've never heard such caring words come from him.
I pull back up after rinsing, looking at him through the mirror as he stood tall behind me. He still held my hair together behind my head, making eye contact through the mirror.
"I didn't have any regrets, but thank you for making sure. It's nice to know." I say as he lets go of my hair so it fans my back.
"Yeah..well." He nods with his chest against the back of my shoulders.
"You take consent very seriously." I state in subtle shock.
He shrugs. "Everyone should don't you think?"
"Of course," I flip around to face him directly rather then through a mirror, my lower back against the counter. "I'm just a little surprised, given the past."
"Surprised?" He arched his brow.
"Well don't you remember the night we met?" I bring up the night I swear not to talk about ever, but it seemed like the right time considering he's bringing this all up.
His face froze a bit, his head cocking to the left.
"Like the very first time we met?" He asks in clarity, swallowing like he was a bit timid.
"Yeah." I confirmed.
He went silent for a second, probably retracing the events in his head. I hate thinking about that night because of what almost happened to me from their ex drummer. But I wasn't meaning to talk about that part, I wanted Harry to think about the time of night that it was just us two and what monstrosity went down.
"What happened?" He murmured in uncertainty, but I think he knew what I was about to say.
"You snapped at me when I wanted to stop, then kicked me out of your dressing room cause I said I wouldn't have sex with you." I spoke stuff that wasn't news to either of us, looking him right in the eyes. He looked a bit taken back.
Part of me believes the both of us just try to forget that night like it didn't happened, that way we didn't feel guilty on where we are now.
I'm not bringing this to start anything between us, I just want him to understand a point I was make on how I was a little surprised about how he's so understanding now when it comes to intimacy.
"Aven..."
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I just want to prove a point. It's nice to know how far you've come since then." I was quick to explain before he discusses any further.
"I didn't mean to snap at you that night, you were the first girl to turn me down and I was high and frustrated about something that happened before the show. I wouldn't of fucked you if you told me to stop." He explains quickly so I wouldn't interrupt him.
"I said your name three times." I murmur.
"And I promise I thought the first two were in pleasure. By the third one you physically pushed me back and it caught me off guard, that's why I snapped." He explains calmly, not being defensive, just trying to get a better understanding.
"It's okay." I shake my head.
"No it's not and I regret it. I'm an asshole but I wouldn't push anyone into anything like that. You trust me don't you?" He drops the five taunting words I hated to be propositioned.
Trust, what a complex thing.
I paused, pulling my eyes away from his and glancing to the right of the bathroom we were standing in. I didn't know what to exactly say, but I know I couldn't look him in the eye while thinking it.
"Wait... you don't trust me with even that?" He was a bit taken back.
"You know it's hard for me to trust Harry—"
"I get that as a whole but, you think I would...assault you?" He furrows his brows, starting to get defensive as this was steering into the wrong direction.
"No...but remember what happened later that night?" I say quickly to prove my point.
"I saved you from someone what was going to assault you." He was quick to fire back, building a defence.
"But you hesitated." I say back just as fast.
His eyes bounced from one pupil to the other, not picking which one of my irises he wanted to focus on as he searched his brain.
"Hesitated?"
"You hesitated." I repeat just as clearly. "You to looked me dead in the eye, pinned to a wall in tears and said 'fine, have your fun' before shutting the door on me and that drummer. I understand you came back five seconds later but within those five seconds I thought I was hopeless." I started to get more stern with my words because he wasn't going to win this time. No matter what he says, he can't twist around what happened that night because things are different between us now.
"I was mad at you, but I wouldn't let him actually do anything." He defends, but I wasn't having it.
"You're missing the point, you really hurt me that night. And no matter what, that moment will play in the back of my head and I will never be able to stop it. It was a moment were you thought it was okay to leave a helpless person who was about to be scarred for the rest of their life, just because you were mad they didn't sleep with you earlier that night."
It was hurting my heart to have this conversation, I didn't plan to wake up and have this argument. That horrid night was forever tainted in my heart, and sadly Harry will always be a big part of that darkness. I try to think of it as little as possible so I can be civil with him, but now it's been pulled out of me and I almost feel forced to have this ugly discussion.
But for women everywhere, I needed to have this conversation. Because whether he realizes it or not, what he did was screwed up and he needs to be accountable for it.
"I—I don't know what to say. I made a mistake and I don't know what to do to fix it now. I never was going to leave you with Quincy, I was just so angry and—"
"Do you understand you were wrong?" I cut him off, speaking calmly.
"Yes."
"And would you do that to any other girl again?"
"No."
"Okay, then now you know. And now you'll be more cautious in the future if you ever run into the same situation. I'm gracious you saved me, but I just wished you didn't hesitate on doing it." I nodded, wanting to wrap this up and move on.
"But what I don't understand is how you don't trust me with consent after what happens last night. You remember how cautious I was. I feel uncomfortable knowing someone I'm screwing around with doesn't trust me to stop if they wanted me too." He spills, running his hair back and keeping that solid look in his eye like he was irritated.
"If I thought you'd assault me then I wouldn't of got involved with you to begin with. I'm just saying complete trust is very hard for me, you're capable of so much."
"But what else can I say to earn that? Trust from you." He shakes his head in heavy confusion.
"Words don't mean the same thing to me like they do to you. I don't believe in people's words anymore, don't you understand that? You telling me right now that you would never push me into anything doesn't automatically register this trusting bond after our past."
"But I—"
"Do you think Ryan was a monster in the beginning? He was to kindest guy I ever met in my life."
"Don't compare me to that scumbag." He clenched his jaw slightly in trigger, not liking that statement.
"I would never, I'm just trying to make a point so you understand me more." I warn.
He stayed silent and lets me continue.
"My ex boyfriend who was a golden boy told me he would never hit me, and he did. After he did it the first time, he promised to never do it again, but he did. My mother promised to never leave me, but guess what? She did. My own father, god rest his soul, looked me in the eye on his hospital bed and told me he was gonna beat cancer, and what did he do? He died the next day. People say what they feel is right but don't always follow through, words are just so easy to conjure up in the moment. So when you look at me in the eye and tell me you'd never push me into something I wasn't comfortable with, I have no choice to not completely believe you considering the past we already have." I explain deep from my heart.
He froze, not one sound leaving his mouth in rebuttal. He stared me dead in the eye and looked empty. I got a little heated when talking, but I don't mention this stuff often.
"I trusted those people dearly, but they all took a piece of my heart and strayed me broken. I just don't have any left for you to break too."
His head tilted down, looking at the floor between us. I was scared of what he was gonna say, it probably wasn't going to be good. I never meant for this conversation to be taken so far and deep, he might shut down on me and push away.
This thing about Harry, is he's in a neutral part of my brain. When we're good, I feel on top of the world. I've discovered how exciting he is, how gentle he can be when he tries. He has a bright smile when he chooses to show it, and I know deep down he has a heart too. I love being with him when we're climbing fences and riding a motorbike down an open road. We've come a long way since day one, and I'm grateful for that.
He's made me feel things for him too.
But there's a side of Harry that I've yet to discover, and lots could be bad. He keeps a lot hidden, especially with the Mafia he's allied to. He's killed people, hurt people, he robs, and god knows what else he does when I'm not looking. He's capable of a lot, so trusting him was so far fetched it was hard to wrap my head around. Not to compare, but I thought Ryan was a saint and I still got screwed in the end. If I take a chance on Harry, I'm asking for it.
I wanted to continue being around him, I just had to be cautious with it. I physically can't get hurt again, my heart can't take anymore.
"So should we stop then?" He murmurs, looking down between us still.
"Stop what?"
"Your know what. The mild flirting, the hooking up. I can't keep doing this knowing you don't even trust me not to assault you." He states more clearly, looking up at me.
"We don't have to stop, and if I didn't have any hope in your intentions then I wouldn't of gotten intimate with you to begin with." I reassure.
He immediately shakes his head in rejection.
"No, I'm not gonna keep doing this if you're one foot in the pond and one foot out. You don't get the best of both worlds." He was quick to make clear.
"I'm just saying complete trust takes time, you're asking for something I can't give you right now."
"Then how do I get it?" He states in persistence, not wanting to let this go.
I paused and stared into his green eyes that impatiently awaited for an answer. If I knew the secret it took for my soul to trust people again then I would understand life a lot better than I do right now. These weren't textbook answers, some things are hard to explain.
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?" He shakes his head, starving for a real answer.
"It's not as easy as you're making it out to be." I murmur.
"I'm so confused."
"Okay, I'm fine with what we're doing. This conversation started because you asked me why I was a bit shocked on your persistent consent. Then you asked me if I trust you and I told you I have a hard time trusting people, especially when they hurt me in the past like you did the night we met. I didn't mean for this conversation to get as intricate as it did."
He pinched his eyes shut like he was confused, I don't blame him. I definitely wasn't explaining things very clearly, he's right though, I can't have it all. I can't expect him to feel comfortable with what I just explained.
"Okay.. lets just rewind for a second." He murmurs while rubbing his eyes in slight frustration, but he was calm. "I think we just need to calm down and take things causally."
"That's what we've been doing, haven't we?" I murmur.
"Yeah, but unless you trust me enough not to be a rapist, I'm not doing anything sexual with you. This will be at the back of my head now and I'm not gonna live with that thought the next time we're fucking around." He makes clear.
"I never said you were a rapist." I shake my head.
"Okay but you have doubts if I would push you or not, so until you at least trust me completely, we can't do anything else." He shakes his head.
I completely understand where he was coming from, and I respect his decision. What I've told him is something I didn't want to today, and I kinda regret it going as far as it did. I feel kinda heartless talking so coldly, but I can't help how I feel.
I have trust issues, and they don't just go away.
"I'm sorry for bringing this all up after what happened last night. I don't want to ruin how well things are going because I've really had a good time with you these past few days." I say in sincerity.
"Well," he takes my hands gently, a warm spark. "We don't have to stop being friendly, it does make the days go by quicker when you're not a pain in my ass."
"A pain in your ass?" I chuckle at his playfulness.
"The biggest." He nods.
"You're no joyride either Mr. Styles." I fire back, holding his fingers gently down by his sides.
"I've been known to be a touch of heaven." He plays on, his eyes a little lighter then before. I think we were calming down now.
"So then we'll just continue being civil, just no intimacy." I murmur.
"Not unless you trust me." He repeats.
I nodded, pulling my hands way from his. The first step was to not touch him so much.
"Okay, just don't expect anything."
"I won't, were gonna be causal now." He nods. "Work acquaintances, and casual friends."
"Casual." I repeat.
I suddenly heard the sounds of blaring music, making my eyebrows lower. Harry turned his head towards the open doorway of the bathroom, also wondering where the noise was coming from.
We both step over to the bedroom, looking to see Niall dancing in, holding a portable speaker up that was blasting music. He had sunglasses on his face and an pair of neon green swim shorts with no shirt. Accompanying his other hand was a large bottle of silver tequila.
The room was very loud of ear bleeding pop music as he waltzed through the room in joy.
"Niall!" Harry shouts over the music that was hurting our ears. We were still stood in the doorway of the bathroom.
"Daytona baby!" He shouts and shuffles around the room.
"It's nine in the morning!" I add.
"And the beaches are already filled!" He smiles, turning down his music and tossing the speaker on the bed. "So get dressed."
"We're going now?" Harry shakes his head, glancing at the bedside clock.
"It's called a weekend bender idiot, so yes. Aven get yourself in the smallest bikini you own and Harry... roll up your jeans because we're all going to the beach!" He walks over to us like he was ready to be blackout drunk all day.
But the jeans comment was funny.
"I'm gonna have to go all the way down to my room so I can shower and get ready." I state, ignoring the bikini comment.
"No need sweetheart, Harry got your bags moved up here so you don't have to waste our time going anywhere. So get your ass in that shower behind you and hurry up because were leaving in twenty minutes." He explains in eagerness.
I can't believe Niall is this much of a frat boy.
I widen my eyes and turn me head to Harry next to me in the doorway, he had a guilty look on his face because he didn't tell me about my stuff.
"I knew he was gonna do this, so I was being proactive by asking the hotel to bring you bags up." He states in reason.
Casual right?
"Are you sure it's smart I come? I don't know anyone." The introvert in me jumps out.
"We don't either, that's the whole point." Niall laughs like I was dumb.
"I wanna invite Nova than." I suggest, it would make me feel better knowing she was there.
"Wednesday?" Niall furrows in shock like Nova wasn't her real name.
"Wednesday definitely won't come." Harry shake his head in input.
"Well have you ever invited her?" I kept hold of the loose jogging pants at my hips, I can't imagine if they fell right now.
"She's always too busy." Niall declines.
"It's still nice to ask." I shrug.
"Fine." Niall murmurs, turning his head to the open door of the bedroom. "Wednesday!" He shouts in calling.
I widened my eyes to myself, was she here?
"What!" I heard her shout back from somewhere in the penthouse. I turn to Harry who shakes his head in zero ideas of why she was here.
"Aven wants you to come to the beach!" Niall screams so she would hear him somewhere in this massive suite.
"Aven's here?" She shouts from somewhere unknown.
"Yes! She's fucking Harry remember!" Niall answers through the penthouse.
"Niall—" Harry shoves him in objection, making Niall shake his head before yelling again.
"Sorry, they aren't fucking they're... probably just doing oral for now!" He yells back across the penthouse for Nova to hear.
"Niall!" I speak up this time, Harry shoves him again.
"Well what the fuck are you guys doing then!" He whisper shouts in frustration at us, gripping his tequila and awaiting for an actual answer.
"It doesn't matter you don't need to tell everyone!" I whisper shout back.
"Oh my god you guys are lame." Niall rolls his eyes. "Wednesday we're going to the beach!" He heads his way to the door, exiting out of here in a flash to probably go get Nova.
I turn to Harry immediately.
"Why is Nova here?" I asked in slight shock.
"Sounds like she fucked Niall." He cackles and shakes his head, shocked too.
"But Niall was with that other girl last night?" I murmur in question, running my hair back while keeping a firm grip on my pants.
"Doesn't mean he didn't call her after." He shrugs. "I've done it."
He walks into the room in his grey track pants and black shirt, grabbing his packs of cigarette of the nightstand.
"I hate that." I stay leaned in the bathroom doorway.
"Well, that's the game sweetheart." He pops a cigarette in his mouth. "You can use my bathroom to get ready, your suitcase is downstairs." He mumbles through the tobacco stick.
"When did you bring them up?" I was curious.
"I called concierge when you were asleep, that way you could sleep in longer and didn't have to worry about going all the way down to your room to get ready. We have a big day ahead of us after all." He explains while fishing out his lighter he kept tucked in the cigarette pack.
"Big day?" I murmur.
"Beach is all fun and games, but tonight we have a trade and you have your first job." He runs his hair back out of his face, waiting to leave to light the dormant cigarette hanging between his lips
"Tonight?" My stomach turned a bit, I nearly forgot that I agreed to take pictures of trades in order to get his safety.
He smirks.
"We have the Daytona Beach carnival to attend tonight angel."
//
silly kids thinking they can keep things casual
beach and carnival—oh wow we're all in for it.