A/N: I'm normally not one for warnings, but I'm going to give you one because you deserve it.
Bad news first, this is the most painful chapter I've got... At least in my opinion.
Good news... Everything only goes... Uphill from here? kind of?
I'm sorry I love you guys(:
CHERRY'S POV:
I'm a fucking idiot for ever thinking that was a good idea. I'm so fucking dumb... I get on the plane, and sit in my seat, trying to stop myself from tears, stop myself from panicking. I turn my phone off completely, not even wanting to look at the screen right now. I never thought the day would come that I would wish over and over again for a plane to take off, and stay in the air. I don't want to come back to earth right now, I wish I didn't fucking have to. My hands fumble with my journal, and I start flipping it open, but find myself stopping on an old song... and now a new realization hits me. A song I titled River Of Tears... A song I wrote about Dean...
Never in my time with Harry did I think he'd live up to the lyrics of a song I wrote about Dean...
But he surprises me more and more everyday I guess. "Still got the flowers that you sent... and the note you wrote that said that we were meant to be forever.." I read... "But the hurt is for the better, moving on is now or never." "Sometimes love brings you flowers, and it builds your coffins.." "Far too often we end up falling to our demise..."
No... I'm not going to let him bring me to that. That's the difference between Dean and Harry. Harry broke me, I am broken, but I won't let this bring me to my knees. Cry me a river, build myself a bridge I'm over this.... I am over this... I hated being alone.. I hated being alone, and I know physically I won't be alone when I get home, but my heart will be alone. It's hard but it needs to happen, so it will, and I'm going to write it all out right now, and I hope... I hope to god he hears this one.
*play song now*
I don't have a piano, I don't have a guitar, I just have words, but I will use it, I'll use my pen and my paper right now, and do exactly what needs to be done for my mental sanity.
"Don't blame me for falling, I was just a stupid girl.." I laugh at myself knowing how true the words are.
"I can't blame the drunk lovers, I wasn't ready for the fall..." I write out, knowing I can't blame him for falling in the hands of someone else but I sure as hell won't blame myself either.
"You can't blame me, darling... Not even a little bit." I lean in further to the lyrics, really getting into them now.
"You were away, and you're just an arrogant son of bitch who can't admit when he's sorry...." I look at the name, the use of the name, and hesitate, but continue on... He is arrogant, and fucking dumb... and I'm angry...
"Don't call me baby again... I've got my reasons...I know that you'll try to be friends, and you'll mean it... But don't call me, it's hard for me to go home, to be so lonely...." It is... It's the last thing I want, but maybe it's what I need...
"I hope that I can see you in a little better light... It's never been too easy being of the jealous kind..." I hate it... I hate the characteristic of jealousy, but it's all I feel right now. Anger, and jealousy.
"I miss the shape of your lips, and your wit...."
"It was just a trick..."
"This is it, and I'm not sorry." I'm not... I don't care if he is, he doesn't deserve any pity from me right now.
"Don't call me baby again... I've got my reasons...I know that you'll try to be friends, and you'll mean it... But don't call me, it's hard for me to go home, to be so lonely...."
"To be so lonely, to be so... To be so lonely, to be so"
"And you're just an arrogant son of a bitch who can't admit he's fucking sorry..."
I write it out, and it feels good. I write the chorus again twice more, and look down at the lyrics.. The loneliness will be hard, but right now I couldn't care less... Right now I just want to be back home...
I get off the plane finally, and feel like I've been traveling so damn much the past few days. Flying to London is tiring in itself even when I slept most of that plane ride, mostly because the person in my mind is tiring... I turn my phone back on, and go straight to baggage claim, waiting and watching as it spins around in circles, just like my life right now. I grab the pink suitcase, and head towards the doors, knowing I need to get an uber. I look down at my phone, and see the missed calls and instantly my heart shoots up. Why the hell is she calling me so much? I call her back instantly, and listen to the call instantly.
"Hello?" I ask, pulling my suitcase to my side.
"Jesus thank fuck, why the hell haven't you been answering?" She speaks out quickly.
"I'm sorry the Atlantic doesn't really have service Sandy." I mumble, and she sighs.
"Darlene I need you to come to your vet... The one you always take Bowie to.." She speaks out, and I freeze.
"Why..." I mumble into the phone.
"Cherry, just get here please." She speaks with urgency, and my heart starts beating rapidly. I wave my arms for a cab after I hang up, and I push in front of people, not caring about any of them, not caring how long they've been waiting for a ride. I push my suitcase through the doors, and get straight in, hearing people yelling and screaming behind me but not caring how pissed they are. I tell the driver the address, and shake my leg, and my foot. My whole body is practically shaking. I'm telling myself not to cry right now, not to expect the worst... He's fine, he'll be fine, he has to be fine.. He has to be fine he has to be fine he has to be fine.
I swear LA traffic seems even worse when you need to be somewhere. I swear the world slows down right at the moments you need it to speed up. As soon as we get to the vet I pull my suitcase out, and run to the doors, going straight inside, searching around until I see Sandy. I've never seen her look so worried, so concerned in her life. My stomach is sinking, and my heart falls where my stomach should be. She walks forward, and wraps me in a hug, and then she surprises me as she starts crying on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't know what to do and I brought him here as quickly as possible..." She speaks out quickly, and I'm frozen.
"Sandy where is my cat..." I mumble. "What happened to him?" I ask, feeling my own tears. Where is he? He's alive, he has to be okay.. He has to be okay, he has to be okay. He can't fucking die.
"Maybe the vet should-"
"Sandy what the fuck happened to Bowie?" I ask more urgently.
"He was fine, and then he just wasn't... He didn't really eat at all the entire time he was with me I don't know Cherry, I just found him, and he was alive still but he wasn't acting normal, and I brought him here, and he's with the vet right now and I told him I'd bring you back when you got here I didn't ask questions I just-"
"Bring me to him please." I mumble to her, and she pulls me with her, taking me straight back into the animal hospital, and through a door. I walk in, and see Bowie laying down but Sandy is right, he's not my Bowie... He looks sad, and unhappy right now. He's just laying down, curled up right now, and his breathing is quick, and pained. "Hey baby boy hi." I speak to him, and pull the chair from the side close to him, sitting down next to him as he lays on the table.
"Miss Summers?" The vet steps forward, and I nod, wiping my eyes. "How old is Bowie?" He asks me, and I look down, and back up a bit frantically. My mind is jumbled completely. This is the last thing I expected to happen when I got off that damn plane.
"Umm he's.. He's fourteen, fifteen this year.. " I tell him. "What's happening to him, what's wrong?" I ask, watching his face. He's hurting right now I can completely tell. I start crying again, and look to the vet for answers.
"He has Lymphoma... It's a normal occurrence in cats of his age, and sometimes it can be stopped and cured if the diagnosis is caught early on, but sometimes those symptoms are hard to see Miss Summers." He tells me and I don't like the tone of his voice.
"Well we caught it in time right? He's going to be okay right?" I ask quickly, and he looks at me with a softer face. "You don't understand, he has to be okay, I need him to be alive, he has to be living.. Please, do whatever you can do, I need him alive please." I speak frantically, and feel myself losing it at the same time as Sandy placing a hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry miss... We didn't catch it early enough.. Bowie here has a tumor... He's lived a good life Darlene, I think we can all see how loved he is." The vet tells me, and I shake my head.
"So we just give up on him? I can't just fucking give up on him, he's my best friend!" I shout, and Sandy squeezes my shoulder.
"Cherry it's not his fault.." She reminds me, and I shake my head.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, but there has to be something, you can't tell me there's not something." I cry, and he shakes his head.
"Normally we could do some type of surgery, or figure out a treatment but considering his age it's not safe to do so... I'm sorry Miss." He tells me, and I feel the heaviest pressure on my chest. I feel my chest crack under it too, but then I look at him again, and see him shaking.
"Is it painful.. The lymphoma?" I ask softly.
"It can be.. For Bowie right now he's experiencing that pain... The next step we can take is to put him down here, but we need you to sign off on that since you are his owner..." He tells me, and I open my mouth, and feel a soft cry come out. He has to be okay...
"I'll be right here the whole time... Darling he's in pain.. He's not going to survive this, do what's right for him... Take him out of his pain.." Sandy speaks to me from behind, and I sit down in the chair.
"Can I please have a second." I mumble to both of them.
"We'll just be right outside." He speaks out to me, and I ignore him, watching Bowie instead. As soon as the door closes I reach out, and pet him, running my hands through his familiar soft fur.
"Hey buddy... Hey.. I'm sorry you're not feeling well." I mumble to him softly, and he's not replying. He's not reacting to me at all, he's not being Bowie, and I know why. I know he's hurting, and I know what's right, but doing that means I have to say goodbye, and goodbye is permanent. Losing him will be permanent.
"I just hope you know that you are always going to be my favorite person on the entire planet, and I know you're not a person really, but you're better than any person I've ever met..." I feel my tears hitting my cheeks as I keep my hands on his fur, massaging him softly. "You will never understand how much you helped me bud.. You'll never know what you did for me, and I love you so so much. Opposable thumbs or not, you're always going to be my best friend, and I'm so sorry.." I crack even more, and break, covering my face. "Fuck why is this so hard.." I cry into my hands, and look back up to the ceiling, taking a deep breath. "I love you baby." I stand up, and kiss his head, turning my back to him, opening the door.
"Miss summers-"
"Please take his pain away." I mumble to him, and he nods.
"I'll just need you to sign these papers here, and we can go through with it." He passes me a clipboard, and I sign it, not thinking about it, knowing it needs to happen, thinking of the pain he's in, knowing he doesn't need to feel that anymore. The vet takes the clipboard, and walks past me, and Sandy opens her arms up. I melt into her straight away, and let it all fall down. I cry, and cry, and cry to her, letting her comfort me right now even though I know she doesn't understand it. I know she doesn't understand what it's like losing her best friend like this, and I'm glad she'll never know this pain. I'm glad she won't feel the pain I'm feeling right now.
"You're sure you don't want to come stay at my place tonight?" She asks me, and I shake my head, getting my suitcase from the car.
"I really don't want to be home, and I need to talk to him about all of this because I know he'll be able to understand a bit better." I tell her softly.
"Alright... Call me if you need anything.. Please." She mumbles to me. I nod, and get out of the car, but stop myself.
"Thank you Sandy... For always taking care of him, and being there today.. This isn't your fault." I tell her, and she nods.
"I love you." She calls out.
"I love you too.. I'll talk to you later.." I tell her, and she nods. I roll my suitcase up his driveway, and to the door, and knock on it softly. He answers, and raises his eyebrows.
"Hi E... I'm.. I'm sorry I'm showing up like this, but I really needed to talk to you, and I came from the airport, and I think I've had the worst day I've ever had, and-" I realize I'm mumbling, and crying again, and I probably look completely insane right now, but he opens his door up and pulls me in.
"Hey, hey what's going on? It's fine, everything is fine, you can always come to me that's what friends are for." He pulls me into a hug, and rubs my back. "What's going on?" He asks, and I cough, crying at the same time, feeling like my chest is tight, and exploding all at once.
"I know it sounds stupid, I know it's not the same but I had to put down my cat, and I know how it sounds I do, but he was my best friend Easton he was my best fucking friend, and I don't know what to do it feels like someone is fucking ripping my heart out of my chest." I cry, and he rubs my back.
"It's not stupid, I heard plenty of stories about Bowie, I know how important he is to you... I'm sorry Darling... Try to calm down for me, and I'll order some dinner, and we'll talk alright? It's gonna be all good I promise." He speaks out, and I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling myself cry for this, and everything else. Every other bit of pain I've felt the past month and a half. I'm sick of feeling this way I'm fucking sick of hurting. I take a few deep breaths, and try to calm myself down, and he stays quiet while I do so. He lets me calm down, and he lets go as soon as my breathing slows. "I thought you were in London?" He asks, walking me into his house.
"I.. I was, and then things didn't go as planned and I got on the next flight home, and.. And when I got here Sandy had me rush to the vet, and I had to.. I had to say goodbye, and I didn't know who else to go to.." I admit, and he nods.
"Why not Sandy?" He asks, and he sits me down at the table next to his kitchen.
"I needed you because... Because you're the only other person I know in my life that's lost someone important to them that actually wants to speak to me right now." I tell him, putting my head in my hands. "Fuck E... It feels like the world is just throwing me shit every minute to see what I can handle, and I feel like I'm about done taking this shit." I admit.
"This seems like it's about more than just Bowie." He tells me, and I nod, feeling my chest start to ache again.
"Bowie was my fucking rock... I know it's dumb but he was he was my best fucking friend I told him everything there was to know. When I needed someone or something I talked to my cat, and he was a fucking cat I know, but I swear he listened to every word, and I know he couldn't speak but he gave me advice in so many ways, and he would sit by my piano when I played, and he would always sit there when I wasn't playing to remind me... He was there after Dean.. He was there through all of this with Harry, and now he's not here, and I need him here because for once in my life I decided I'm done with someone who isn't good for me, and I needed him here to support me in that." I breathe in deep, trying to keep myself from panicking.
"Well I'm here, and Sandy is here, and I know we're not the same... I know no one will ever replace Bowie, but I need you to do something for me.." He looks at me from the kitchen, stopping what he's doing.
"W-what?" I ask, taking a shaky breath.
"Stop calling your feelings stupid... You're right, losing him wasn't the same as losing a girlfriend, or a boyfriend... But he's important to you. He was a person in your eyes, just as important as one anyways. Stop invalidating yourself because you're afraid of someone else saying something... It's not stupid Darling.. Not one bit." He tells me, and I nod. "I'm going to order some food alright? After I do, you can talk, or cry, or do whatever, but I'm your friend, and I'm not going to let you go through any of this by yourself okay?" He asks, and I nod, watching him walk off with his phone. He makes a quick call, making an order, and he nods his head to me, having me come into his living room. As soon as he's off the phone he pats the couch, and I sit down.
"I'm sorry... I should have warned you that I was coming or given you a heads up or something..." I shake my head, and he sighs.
"I've said it before and I'll say it again.. You are my friend. If you need me, I'm here, that's how this kind of thing works... I know you're not okay right now so I'm not going to ask that... Do you want to talk about any of it?" He asks, and I nod.
"I was in London.. I was in London for work, and you knew that but then Mitch asked me to come to the show.. He convinced me to come so I did, and then it went south.. Harry pretended that he didn't even know me, that's how it felt at least... Easton I need you to tell me if I've been blind this whole time.. I feel used."
"To be fair all of us were a little confused about everything going on between the two of you ourselves.. Neither of you are very open... Him more than you, but still.. " He tells me.
"When I started writing with all of you we started hanging out more, and talking more, and we became really close.. We were so close it was like we were inseparable and then tour came along, and he had to leave, and he told me that meant that we weren't going to be together, and I haven't been taking it well because-"
"You love him?" He asks, and I just stare at him. "I heard the song you wrote about him... You don't write songs like that about someone you kind of like..." He clarifies, and I nod.
"I've never been so confused in my life... and that mixed with Bowie, and... and I know Harry isn't actually gone.. He's going to come back, and we're all going to write another album one day, but it feels like I lost him too, and it feels like, it just feels like this isn't going to get better... Easton I can't be alone, I can't do it... I don't know how I'm supposed to go back into my apartment without being able to run up to Bowie... Everything I do revolved around that damn cat. God I feel so fucking helpless right now." I cover my face.
"Hey.. It's funny I actually have a thing called a spare bedroom, and you're more than welcome to stay in it until you feel alright going to your apartment again... If you're comfortable with that you're more than welcome to stay..." He tells me, and I nod.
"I'm just trying to understand how I'm supposed to alter everything... How I'm supposed to go about losing my best friend." I mumble.
"It's not easy but you just have to learn to love yourself more.. Because you're one of your only resources left... and you have to find those other people, the key people that really care that will really stick by you to hold you up while you're falling down... It's not easy, but you've done it before..." He encourages me, but I haven't done this before... When I lost Dean it hurt like hell but I hardly saw him... So it was more so about me reminding myself that he was never coming back. Losing Bowie is different because he was major in my life. He was in every corner of every room. He laid with me on the floor, and he comforted me in every moment... Bowie was always there so now I have to remind myself that he's never going to be able to do any of that with me again, and it hurts.
"Did you think about calling Harry and telling him?" He asks, and I shake my head.
"He doesn't deserve to know anything anymore... At first I wanted to tell him everything while he was gone, but now I feel like he's not worthy of that information if he can't even bother to say hi to me after a month of being away... I should do that for myself, and because I know if he was still here that Harry would be on Bowie's bad side." I wipe under my eyes, and Easton nods.
"Alright so don't tell him... If that's how you feel then that's what you should do..." He tells me, and I nod.
"Easton... I feel like these next few days are going to fucking suck." I mumble, looking at my hands.
"As much as I want to tell you everything will be fine I'm not going to lie to you, the next few days are going to be the worst part, but after that it'll start to feel like you can breathe a little bit better despite the pain... The next few days are the worst part... " He warns me, and I knw that was coming... I know this pain hasn't hit me in full yet, but it will, and when it does I know I'm fucked.
I've only stayed for around two days, but Easton has made it more than comfortable, and he has been more than kind towards me. I knew he was a good person, and a good friend but this is a huge level of that. Not everyone would just let someone they kind of know sleep in a spare bedroom of theirs. I've made dinner for us though, I've helped out for the time being. I need to go home. I need to face the aspect of actually being alone... Like I had written it's hard to be lonely, but I had written that knowing my lonely wasn't all that lonely. I had Bowie... and now... My phone rings, and I lean into the couch, picking it up.
"Hey Mitch." I slump to the side.
"Hey Cherry Bomb... Umm, I haven't talked to you since you left I figured you'd want some time.. How'd the flight go, how are you?" He asks softly even though I can hear chatter in the background of the call.
"Well my cat died." I tell him blankly knowing it's not like me to sugar coat anything like that. I hear him cough, and then walk away from the chatter.
"Are you fucking around with me? That's not funny Cherry." He mumbles.
"I'm not fucking around.. I had to put him down right when I got home he had cat cancer..." I tell him, sighing. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry..
"Cherry I'm so sorry... What are you doing, where are you?" He asks, sounding rather distressed.
"I've been staying with Easton... It was just easier to talk to him..." I tell him honestly, and he's silent for a few seconds.
"Oh... I guess that makes sense.. Um... I know you probably don't want to talk about it but do you want me to... do you want me to tell Harry?" He asks, and his voice is hesitant.
"For once in my life I really don't care what Harry knows... I'm hurt... I'm still more than hurt about Harry and the shit he's pulling but right now I'm learning how to live without my best friend along with Harry so.. So tell him if you want but if he reaches out right now I'm not going to answer. I don't have it in me...I'm sorry Mitch I'm not trying to be a bitch I just-"
"You don't have to apologize.. I get it.. I wish we could all be there for you right now I'm... I'm really sorry Darling." He speaks in a warm tone, and my eyes well up.
"I wish you guys could all be here too... It'll be okay, I'll be fine... You guys have a good show alright?"
"Alright.. I love you a lot Cherry Bomb... I'll call soon." He tells me, and I hang up, staring at my hands, staring at the empty finger where my red ring used to be, knowing it's still on Harry's finger... I feel a few tears slip out, and I wish Bowie was here, but he had no choice.. It was his time... Everyone else, everyone else isn't here, and I'm not there, and right now.. Right now all I want is a call from Harry, but not the Harry that's fucked me over. Not the Harry that acts like I'm not someone to him.. Right now I'd do anything for a phone call with the Harry that I fell in love with...
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Song: To Be So Lonely by Harry Styles.
I'm sorry....
I promise I love you guys and I promise it'll all BE OKAY SWEAR IT!!!
*virtual hugs*