Terry
Tulog na tulog si Samantha sa upuan. Sigurado sasakit yung katawan nito paggising nito doon. Kaya nilagyan ko na lang sya ng unan at inayos ng higa. Halatang antok na antok ito. Ni hindi man lang ito nagising nung kinumutan ko.
There's more bruises in her body than I thought.
Gusto kong maiyak habang tinitingnan yung braso nya na nagkukulay green na. Have I forced her too much?
Pati yung nalilis na damit nito. Kahit sa parteng tyan at dibdib nito pulang pula. Even her legs has bruises too.
No wonder she denies me. She have every right to say No to me after what I've done to her.
Her hands are full of cuts and burns too. Siguro dahil sa pagluluto sa kahoy kanina. She's pushing herself to fit in. Para lang masabi na she's doing everything to win me over. So ano ba ako? Trophy na idadagdag sa koleksyon nya? Dun sa mga weird na bagay na kinokolekta nya, I perfectly fit. I'm weird and unusually pretty for her peculiar taste.
Napatingin ako sa orasan. It's already four am. But here I am, still staring at her. She forced herself to sleep right? May in-inject sya kanina. Nakita ko.
Does she really need that? Akala nya ba ay pupwersahin ko sya sa bagay na ayaw nya?
Gusto kong mahiya sa sarili ko. I'm nothing. But here's a goddess, claiming me hers. Pushing herself on her limits just to get me. I'm just another fascination to her for sure. But if she really insists on keeping me, I owe it to her.
Pumasok ako sa kwarto at isa isang niligpit yung mga damit at gamit ko. I'll go back with her sa Manila. I promised that I'll marry her. She honestly told me the ugly truth, I have to keep my part of the bargain in return.
Ayun lang naman ako sa kanya. Something that would complete her collections. She loves me because I'm resisting. If I stop, would she also stop loving me? I wonder.
Saktong alas singko nang magising si Samantha. Just in time na natapos ako magligpit.
"Hey, good morning baby." Halatang masama ang pakiramdam nito. Medyo malat pa yung boses nito na nag inat. Yung mga mata ay halatang pagod na pagod. "What's that?"
Naghihikab na itinuro nito yung maleta ko.
"Get up now. Uuwi na tayo." Kalmadong sabi ko. Nakaligo na din naman ako at nakapag ayos.
"Uuwi na tayo ng Manila?" Takang tanong nito na bumangon sa pagkakahiga sa kawayang upuan. Itiniklop nito yung kumot.
Sam would make a perfect wife. But I may not.
But this is what she wants right? She clearly told me that she'll make my life a living mess. I guess, it's really working now. I will forever be indebted to her.
"Yep. Let's get married. Para matapos na ito."
Halatang nagulat ito. Napatigil ito sa pagstretch. I smiled bitterly upon seeing those red marks again nang umangat yung damit nito, showcasing her flat stomach. It's a reminder of how rough I was on her.
"Terry, what's wrong? Hindi pa din ba tayo tapos kagabi?"
"Nope." Umiling ako. "Tapos na tayo mag-usap. Kaya nga magpapakasal na tayo di ba? Para matapos na ito at nang hindi na tayo mahirapan pa pareho."
Dumilim naman ang mukha nito. Halatang naiinis na naman.
"Terry naman. Don't do risky things nang hindi mo pinag-iisipan."
"Hindi ba kaya nandito ka para pilitin ako na magpakasal sayo? So don't play innocent Sam. I'm just giving you what you want."
"Once you accept my vows, hindi ka na makakawala sakin, Terry. That's why I am trying to make you love me too. Para na—"
"But you won't accept 'No', hindi ba?" Sarkastikong sabi ko. That got her.
"Kaya naman wag na natin pahirapan yung mga sarili natin. Besides, nakuha mo na din naman ako. Dapat lang naman siguro na panagutan mo na lang din ako. I'm nothing without you anyways. Atleast nagkavalue pa ako. I've tainted you too. So I guess, patas lang din na panagutan din kita."
Akmang lalapitan ako at yayakapin sana nito pero mabilis akong umatras.
"Don't touch me, Sam! It disgusts me."
Napakuyom yung kamao nito. Will she hurt me?
Well, do it Sam. I'm not afraid of you. Get out of your shell and show me the limits of what you can do.
"Terry, pwede bang mag usap tayo ng maayos? I'll just take a quick shower. Tapos magbebreakfast tayo and then we will talk."
"Maligo ka na. Tapos uuwi na tayo. You'll talk to your parents. We can get married in three days from now. Magpapaalam ako ng maayos kay Mama. Pag kasal na tayo, lilipat na ko sa condo mo. That's what you want hindi ba?"
"And what about our indifferences? How should we address that?"
Tiningnan ko sya mula ulo hanggang paa. She's still the perfect Samantha Callaghan. Kahit anong mangyari, she still kept her composure. As I slowly die inside, she's there standing infront of me. Still full of herself. How to be like that?
"What indifferences?" Ngumiti pa ako dito.
"You know what I'm talking about, Terry. Kaya nga nagkakaganyan ka di ba?"
"Oh, that thing? Let's just have a schedule. Pag gusto ko, magpapaschedule ako sayo. Just like what you want."
"What about me? Paano pag ako naman yung nakaramdam na gusto ko?"
Tumawa naman ako. A laugh that is void of humor.
"You won't feel it, Sam. You're a freak. Baka nga mas matakot ka pa kesa makaramdam ng ganoon"
"Terry, ano ba!" Napipikon na talaga ito na hinablot yung braso ko. "Pakinggan mo naman ako. Hindi naman iyon yun—"
I slapped her face. Her touch is so repulsive. Pakiramdam ko nandidiri na ako sa sarili ko.
Halatang hindi nito inaasahan na magagawa ko syang sampalin. There's a look of being betrayed on her face. Was she deceived? Good. Because I was deceived too. Hindi ba that's what betrothed do? They give and take.
She just gets what she deserves.
"Say sorry!" Madiin na sabi nito sa mababang tono.
I just gave her a smile.
"I told you not to touch me, Sam. It's digusting."
"Ganito ba yung gusto mong mangyari, Terry? Mas lalo lang tayong hindi magkakaayos nito. Why don't you try to listen to me first?"
"Which ones, Sam? Your words that's weaving lies? Or your actions that's speaking your truth?"
Para akong matutunaw nang makita ko yung sakit na naging visible sa mga tsokolate niyang mata. How can she pull that emotions perfectly?
"How about this?" Kinuha nito yung kanang kamay ko at inilagay sa left chest nya.
Sasampalin ko sana sya ulit pero mabilis nya na akong nakabig payakap. She hides her face on my right shoulder habang yung kamay ko naman ay nasa dibdib pa din niya.
"Listen to this, Terry. It won't lie. It won't deceive you. No matter how much you repel the magnetic force that's drawing us, this will always be the remaining proof. Feel that beat. Kung ayaw mo man pakinggan."
Her heart is beating so fast. Bakit ba ang galing nya? Bakit ang tamis nya magsalita?
"I love you. I hope it sinks in from your palm into your heart." Mahinang bulong pa nito. "Don't make me hate myself for loving you so much that it also breaks me. Kung natatakot ka, mas doble yung takot ko. It's all new to me. But I'm willing to trade everything just to have your heart, Terry."
Ngumiti ako ng mapait. If she truly loves me, she'll also understand my pains.
"That's why I'll marry you, Sam. Para matapos na. I'm trapped with you afterall."
I heard her sniffed. Is she crying?
"I hope it makes you happy, Terry. You're slowly killing me."
Pagkatapos sabihin iyon ay bumitaw na din ito. Saka tumalikod.
She reached for her baggages, kumuha ng damit at towel saka dumiretso sa banyo.
I'm sorry, Sam. But I'm trying to make you happy too. You want me. So, I'm giving you my shattered pieces.
****
Samantha
Hanggang sa maihatid ko si Terry sa kanila ay ni hindi na niya ako kinausap. Tahimik lang kaming bumyahe. Apat na oras na byahe na walang nagsasalita.
Ni hindi man lang nya ako nilingon nang makarating kami sa kanila at nang bumaba sya. She ought to sat Thank you hindi ba? That's being courteous.
I haven't eaten breakfast yet. It's already two o'clock in the afternoon pero ni hindi ako nakakaramdam ng gutom.
I'm just staring at the ceiling of my room dito sa condo. Nang mapadako yung tingin ko sa malaking painting namin ni Grant, I smiled sadly. Paano nakakangiti yung Samantha doon na ganun ka carefree? Yung para bang pag aari nito lahat ng bagay sa mundo?
I picked one of my stressball collections. Leigh gave this to me as my stress reliever. It used to work for me before. Bakit ngayon walang epekto? Why am I still hurting?
You've hit the brink, Sam. You gave everything but you still find yourself losing in the end. Will you take your wildcard or would you just give up now? Kakayanin mo pa ba yung another wave of pain if you marry Terry?
"She finds my touch disgusting?" Gigil na sigaw ko at saka ubod ng lakas na ibinato yung stress ball sa painting namin ni Grant. "Edi good. Patas lang kami. Hindi ako aamin that I find her touch soothing!"
Dumampot pa ako ng isang stressball at ibinato ulit iyon.
"Akala mo ikaw lang yung babae sa mundo? I could get anyone in an instant. Just one fake smile, they'll come rushing at my beck and call!"
But I can't. I can't because I'm not like that. I just want to stay beside her.
I grab another stressball. Muli, buong lakas na binato ko ulit iyon doon sa mukha nang nakangiting version ko. She's annoying me with that kind of smile.
"I hate you, Terry! You're making me nuts. You're nothing! Hindi ka naman ganun kagaling. Akala mo expert ka?! Maghahanap ako ng iba, akala mo!"
How would you do that, Sam? For the first time you felt that kind of heat with Terry's touch. You felt how it was to give in. What about her touch? Her kiss? Would you also find that magical with someone else's? Kay Grant na expert nga ni hindi ka tinayuan ng balahibo. Only Terry can make you feel that. Just Terry!
Naiiyak naman ako sa sobrang frustration ko.
What's wrong with me? I'm Samantha Callaghan. I'm perfect. I belong to the Elite Class, part of the genius team. Maganda naman ako. I have the body to die for. Isang ngiti ko lang I can turn everyone to be my slave. Mayaman naman ako. Nanggaling sa kilala at nirerespetong pamilya.
"Tanga ka talaga, Terry! Bakit katanggi-tanggi ako sayo?! Akala mo ba may maghahabol pa sayo na gaya ko?"
Tsk. Sunod sunod na tumulo yung luha ko. Palagi na lang talaga nya akong pinapaiyak.
I'm done being a loser.
But a realization hit me. Terry might no longer find someone like me. Pero ako din naman di ba? Hindi na ako makakahanap ng gaya nito.
That someone who would make me feel so incomplete without her. Someone who filled my holes. Someone who would perfectly fit my missing piece.
Gigil na pinagbabato ko na lahat ng madampot ko sa bedside table. Para bang sa paraang iyon ay maiibsan yung sakit na nararamdaman ko.
I watched as the painting that I adore so much breaks into shattered pieces of glass. It no longer mean something to me. I don't fuckin' care about it anymore.
Kahit yung mga stressballs na collection ko na ngayon ay nakakalat na sa sahig. My rarest cactus plant na naibato ko na din pala at nabasag na din yung pot niyon.
Everything symbolizes what Samantha Callaghan truly is. A perfectly painted lie.
I just want Terry. All of my life, I'm contented on what I have. But why it all pale into comparison pag kay Terry na? They can no longer make me happy just what Terry can.
But that stubborn dwarf can't even see that. She's really stupid!
In three days, I could get her back. Would I grab it?
But that's your only chance of happiness, Sam.
Pero paano kung yung happiness mo ay yung source din ng pain mo? Would you still embrace it?
Just like a cactus, Terry is full of thorns. Embracing her is painful.
Napatingin ako ulit sa painting namin ni Grant as she wore that printed white shirt.
Hitting rock bottom isn't always the worst thing. Fighting!
****