I lived like an island, punished you with silence
Went off like sirens, just crying
Why'd I have to break what I love so much?
It's on your face, don't walk away
My tears fell the moment I closed the last letter. It took me a while to finish all 365 letters Harry wrote for me.
Harry wrote for me for a year. But I never got them, my mom did not send them because I told her Harry was stalking me and was obsessed with me. I chuckled as I remember how stupid I was before.
These letters were the insides of his heart, his dreams, his thoughts, his pain, his brokenness. It breaks me now knowing that I was the reason he was so broken.
For years I was only focusing on my own pain, on my anger and on the thought that he played me. I failed to see that what we had is real. That what he felt for me was real.
Harry did love me.
Tears rolled down my cheeks once again as I remember him. All these years, I took away his dreams because I was selfish. I took away our plans and his hope.
He dreamed because of me.
He wanted to be better because of me.
He wanted to a future with me.
And he is broken because of me.
I was the antagonist of this story.
For the past seven years all I did was to punish him for that stupid bet. I was so insecure that I always questioned my position in his life. I was so caught up in this bubble inside my head that I was the underdog.
Why was it so hard to believe back then that I was beautiful? That Harry and I were together because he chose me. Why did I have to believe those lies that I didn't deserve him? Why?
It was already in front of me.
He loves me.
All these years, it was me.
Only me.
It was never Kendall or anyone else.
Just me. Taylor Alison Swift.
And all these years, admit it or not. It's always been him.
My mind can deny it all I want, but my heart is screaming only one name. Harry Edward Styles.
My first love.
My great love.
My only love.
The knife that has been stabbed inside my heart for years has finally been removed the moment that I admitted that I am in love with Harry.
I cried when I realized that mom orchestrated all of this. She kept these letter cause she knew one day I will get to read them and I will get to admit and accept that Harry is the one. He's always been the one.
My heart is bursting with so much love for him. The love that I kept buried in my heart for so long is coming out now. Finally. It took me a while. Seven years actually, but I figured it out.
I put the letters inside the shoebox and I wiped my tears. I need to see him. This can't wait anymore. I gotta go see him.
Rushing downstairs and to the kitchen to grab mom's car keys while holding the box. I am not sure where is he, I'll go first to the dealership or maybe I'll call him, but I gotta get moving.
My stomach is ticklish, like there are a thousand of butterflies danching around it. I've never felt this adrenaline for so long and I can't wait to see him and tell him that I love him. That I want everything he wants. Gosh! I can imagine a movie-like scenario.
Not caring if I was on my pajama, I don't have time to change. So I opened the door and to my surprised I have an unexpected visitor.
"Jake?"
He was standing in my front door wearing a black shirt and faded jeans. The first time I have seen him wearing casual attire. But why is he here? For what I know he left for New York yesterday.
"What are you doing here?" I asked with so much confusion.
"I'm sorry for the intrusion," he says, "but I wanted to talk to you,"
Taking a deep breath, I couldn't answer him. All I want at this moment is to see Harry and I may sound cruel but I don't care about other things.
"Please," he pleads. "It's important,"
He must've seen the hesitation on my face.
"Okay," I nodded. Besides, I have to speak with him anyway. To be honest, I kind of forgotten about Jake. I was so caught about my mom and Harry. So this might also be the opportunity for me to straightening things out with him.
I walked back inside the house and he followed me. Putting the box on the couch and the car keys I sat beside it. Jake sat on the single couch, a few meters away from me.
"I never left," he said. "I couldn't leave knowing things aren't so great with you."
My heart washes with guilt. Jake is a great guy. He is good looking, kind and stable. Maybe, if Harry is not in the picture I may have fallen for him but that is not the case. Harry exist and I love him. I loved him then and I love him now.
"Taylor, I know that you are still grieving and I want to be here for you, share even just a portion of that grief, I want to mourn with you, or simply just be with you." He says.
His words left me speechless. I don't know where this conversation is leading to but I have a bad feeling about it.
"I wanna be with you for the rest of my life Taylor,"
Swallowing the lump in my throat as I closed my eyes when I saw him taking something out of his pocket.
"This may not be the perfect timing but," he paused. "Taylor Alison Swift, will you marry me?"
My heart literally stopped beating when he finally popped the question. What is going on with him? We were only going out for what three months? Why is he asking me to marry him?
"Please?"
Taking a deep breath I stood up. I am left with no words. He will hate me if I break up with him and reject his proposal but I cannot keep on lying to myself that I don't love Harry. Because I do. And somehow I owe it to both of them to be completely true to myself and be honest about how I really feel.
"Jake," I paused. "You are a great guy, and I am flattered knowing that you want me to be your wife, but I can't marry you," I said, my voice fading. "I'm sorry,"
He smiled. "It's fine, I mean the timing is terrible, maybe we can in a fe—"
"I am not marrying you Jake," I said, I can't bear him holding onto us. "I can't keep lying to you and to myself anymore. I can't be with you anymore, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lead you on or break your heart," I cried.
He can hate me for it and I will accept it but I'd rather have him hate than continue with this relationship knowing that I can never return his feelings for me.
"Is it because of the guy that night in New York?" He asked.
Slightly, I nodded. "We we're together in highschool, but we broke up, I thought he didn't love me so I hated him for years but now I found out that he did and I want to make things right. . . With him." I explained.
He chuckled. "How could you not know that he loves you? It was written all over his face." He says. "I saw it that night and I saw in again at the funeral."
"I'm really sorry Jake," I apologized.
He took a deep breath, "Nah, its okay. I didn't stand a chance anyway," he smiled.
I didn't expect that his reaction will be like this but somehow I felt relieved that finally things between us are all good. The universe must have been in my favor.
Jake and I talked a bit more before he left. His flight back to Manhattan is scheduled tonight. He was trying his luck if he can get me to marry him. He said that whatever happens between us should not affect our working relationship. Though, I have no concrete plan if I will ever go back to New York I am still glad that I still have a job to get back to.
Since the hyped died down a little. I decided to change into something less comfortable before I meet with Harry. I showered too so in case something happened, I am ready. My cheeks turned red at the thought. It's not even twilight yet and I am having dirty thoughts in my head. I scold myself for it.
I put on a black cardigan over my yellow sundress, I also put on my black flat strap sandals and a very light make up. Just enough to make me look decent.
While dressing up, I silently spoke with my mom asking her guidance in all this. I asked that she may help say the right words. Admit it or not, I've damaged Harry, I hurt him bigtime but I really hope that he will still take me despite of all the bad things that happened between us. I know that he loves me, many people saw that but I don't want to be over-confident about it. His letters represents how much pain I brought into him.
Sitting inside my mom's car, I dialed his number first. The house beside mine is empty so I highly doubt that he is in there. I will just go to straight to the dealership.
My heart is beating so fast and my hopes are up high with the decision I made today.
I will stop running away.
—
Hi Guys,
I am so overwhelmed with the support you showed this story. We are so close to the end and I just want to thank each and everyone for the warm welcome you have given to this.
I pray everyone is healthy and doing okay.
Let me hear your thoughts.
Lots of love
Xhakelyn ♥️