~TW for self harm and self hatred~
Damian's pov
I sat in my bathroom, birdarang in hand, staring at the self inflicted barcode on my thighs. After a few minutes of staring and shaking hands, I made another cut on my right thigh. I winced but continued with grandfather's words ringing in my head.
Be good enough.
Do better.
There's no point of improvement if you're not capable of it.
That will be you if you don't reach my standards.
In the end, I made five solid cuts on each thigh; ten in total.
"Master Damian, dinner is ready." Pennyworth called from the bedroom door.
"I'll be down in a minute Pennyworth." I responded, hiding the panic in my voice.
"Very well."
I grabbed a black towel that I reserved for cleaning up cuts and wet it slightly. I dried the cuts and grabbed some bandages, wrapping them around my thighs they securing them with a small silver pin.
I pulled on my pants and splashed cold water on my face to shock myself into reality. I cleaned the birdarang and put it in my nightstand before exiting my bedroom and making my way downstairs.
When I entered the dining room, I found Grayson and Drake already eating at the table.
Grayson paused his eating to greet me. "Hi little D." I hummed in response, sitting down carefully so as to not aggravate my thighs.
"Where are Father and Todd?" I asked as Pennyworth placed my vegetarian dinner in front of me. "Thank you Pennyworth."
Pennyworth bowed. "You're welcome Master Damian. Your father is still with the Justice League, some villain decided to crash their meeting. Rather foolish. And Master Jason is out with Mister Roy." He informed me. I nodded and began eating.
"So Dami, I heard you and Jon are going to be going on a solo mission sometime soon. Are you excited?" Grayson asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin. I swallowed before responding.
"You're just like Kent. It's not supposed to be looked at as 'exciting', it is to be looked at as serious and a chance to prove ourselves." I said, rolling my eyes.
"Well it is kinda exciting." Grayson mumbled. I scoffed.
"Don't worry Dick, the little demon is just worried about looking good in front of his boyfriend." Drake teased. I clenched my fists, feeling hurt from being called a demon again.
"Shut up Drake. Kent is not and will never be my significant other. I don't have time for silly things like that." I paused. "Besides, I'm not of that sexual orientation."
"Sure..." Drake rolled his eyes. "What if I say the superbrat isn't worthy to be a hero? Is that gonna bother you?" He asked with a smirk.
"Shut up Drake." I growled.
"Or if I say he'd be better off to work on the farm? He'll never live up to Superman's legacy-" I threw my knife at him. "WHAT THE HELL!?" Drake shouted, just barely catching the handle before it would've hit his face.
"That'll teach you." I smiled smugly.
"Why you f*cking-"
"Tim calm down. No swearing. Damian we don't throw knives at people. We've been over this." Grayson said calmly.
"Well he shouldn't aggravate me." I responded.
"So it does aggravate you if I talk bad about him." Drake continued. I opened my mouth to say something but Grayson beat me to it.
"Tim that's enough. I know you don't mean those things, but stop irritating Damian." He instructed in a more firm tone. Drake muttered something and stood from the table.
"Thanks for dinner Alfred." He said and then left. Grayson sighed.
"He doesn't mean what he says about Jon."
"I know, he's just trying irritate me as per usual." Now I wasn't feeling hungry. I wasn't feeling hungry from the start but I ate anyway so as to not be suspicious. I set down my fork. "Thank you for dinner Pennyworth." I said.
"Did it not please you Master Damian?" Pennyworth asked, appearing at the kitchen door. I shook my head.
"Of course it did, I'm just not hungry." I responded. Pennyworth sighed softly and took my plate, retreating to the kitchen.
"Are you okay Damian? You haven't been eating much lately." Grayson said, standing and walking over to me. He cupped my cheeks to examine my face. "And you have really large bags under your eyes... Have you been sleeping enough? Is everything okay Damian?"
I swatted Grayson's hands away. "I'm fine Grayson. Titus just interrupts my sleep sometimes is all." I lied. Grayson studied me.
"Maybe you should keep him out of your room at night then." He suggested. I shook my head.
"I'll sleep worse if he's not with me."
"Okay Little D, as long as you're doing okay. If anything is wrong you can talk to me. Bruce, Jason and Tim too. And Jon." He said, smiling softly. I scoffed.
"Whatever Grayson." I turned on my heel and exiting the dining room. I spotted Alfred (the cat) lying on the couch. I walked over and picked him up (I did my research Alfred the cat is a male).
I carried him upstairs to my room, Titus following after me. I kicked the door shut. Titus barked and jumped onto my bed. I set Alfred (the cat) on the bed and laid down. Titus immediately sensed my discomfort and laid his head down on my chest, licking my chin. I smiled softly and began petting his head.
"Good boy..." I whispered softly. I glanced at Alfred (the cat) who was cleaning himself. I held out my other hand to him. He sniffed it before turning back to licking his paws. I closed my eyes, knowing I still wouldn't fall asleep for awhile.
I felt a tear trace down my cheek, landing on the blankets beside me. More followed after until I was quietly sobbing. I curled into a fetal position on my side, covering my face. Titus whined softly and snuggled into my stomach. Even Alfred (the cat) curled up near my head.
Dick's pov
I was settled on the couch in the living room, pondering about Damian. He doesn't seem to be okay, he isn't snapping back as much as he used to, he always looks incredibly tired...
I reached into my hoodie pocket and pulled out my phone. "I know I have his number... somewhere... here we go." I clicked on the contact and lifted the phone to my ear. After a few rings Jon answered.
"Hi Dick." He greeted.
"Hey Jon. How are you doing?" I asked.
"Fine, and you?"
"I'm doing well. I had wanted to talk to you about Damian." I said, sitting up to glance around. Damian wasn't around.
"Is he okay?"
"I was going to ask you that. He just seems a little off lately. Has anything happened recently?" Jon was quiet for a minute.
"I've noticed he's more tired than usual and less snappy... uh... Oh well today he got kinda riled up." Jon said. I raised an eyebrow.
"How so?"
"Well we were practicing defusing bombs for the mission I'm sure you've heard about. Damian got frustrated 'cause he didn't think he was working fast enough. After that he kinda spaced out for a minute. Then when he snapped out of it, he said he was done for today and sent me home." Jon explained.
"That's weird. But its not like Damian to be so hard on himself. He always has that massive ego... I'll keep an eye on him, thanks Jon." I said.
"Anytime-"
"Before you go," Jon hummed in response. "Could you also keep an eye on him? Especially at school and on patrol?" I asked.
"I will."
"Great thanks Jon. Bye!"
"Bye Dick."
I hung up the phone. Should I bring this up with Bruce? I decided not to. I'll keep an eye on him and if things get serious, then I'll tell him.