Looking out the small plane window, the brown and green specks of land mixed with tinier specks of buildings and homes of Dallas and its surrounding suburbia, created my last memory of home.
I studied each one my eyes landed on; trying to commit each detail to my brain.
Finally, we rose high enough only the clouds filled my view. I wanted to sail away on one like Wendy heading off to Never Neverland. I wanted to never grow up if it already hurt this much.
The piece of gum in my mouth is trying its best to do more than help the popping in my ears but doing little to ease the sickness in my stomach.
"Toronto was not some scary new place, you've been there before. You know people. Relax."
Elyse's words echoed in my head and I tried to make them my mantra as we flew further away from comfort and closer to a place that though uncomfortable was not completely new.
She was right; I had in fact, spent several summers there as a kid. Many of the memories I had though, were marred by the fact my parents, well father and Jordan, had been married the last time I was here.
I tried to find a happy moment to latch onto as we neared landing but it was like my brain refused to pull a full memory into view. Instead I just had fuzzy edges and fragments that I wasn't sure were reality or a dream I was trying to make into reality. The plane landed and I tried to prepare myself for what would come next.
The soft leather of my shoulder strap dug into my neck as I tried to actually carry my carry-on bag. A sea of strangers filled my vision as I looked for a familiar face in the crowd. My father's face finally appeared and I unwillingly felt relief.
Wipe that smug smile off your face asshole.
Tim knew I didn't want to be here and still acted like he was picking me up for a day trip to Disneyland.
Silence lingered like a rain cloud waiting to open as Tim drove us down vaguely familiar streets. I wasn't sure how I knew them, but I did.
Turning on to Maple Tree Road, Aunt Claire and Uncle Jim's old Victorian style house came into view. I had not seen them or their three kids since I was nine. I wondered why I couldn't remember more about them. I should be able to but they felt like more fuzzy edges as we left their house in the rear view for now.
Tim tried to point out the architectural features of the Grand Victorians and explain the differences between it and the Bay and Gable houses, but they looked the same to me. We were in a suburb of Toronto, called Cabbagetown. My new home. The houses were all older but perfectly manicured with freshly trimmed lawns and rot iron fences.
My bio-mother and Jordan both hated it here. Our house back in Dallas was a small two-story that was built in the 1970s. The paint was chipped and the yard was always a little over grown.
It was a house where nothing had to be perfect and once housed a family that wasn't perfect either but was one I would do anything to have back now.
As we pulled into the driveway I looked up at the house Dad had been living in for the past year.
It looked like he had copy and pasted his brother's house on to a different plot of perfectly mowed land. I looked three houses down and saw my Uncle Jim watering his lawn and tried to accept the fact that I was becoming a clone within my own Stepford universe.
Here all children played sports or were in the band. They were all expected to have straight A's and perfect attendance.
That was at least the façade that my Aunt Claire tried to fabricate every time we visited or spoke. Jordan had never understood why Jim had married her.
When I was twelve, Jordan finally put her foot down and said that it was Jim and Claire's turn to bring their family stateside. They made it down once before too many sports camps and Boy Scout meetings made it "impossible" to visit. That turned into us not visiting the last two years. Elyse and I were somewhat thankful. It meant no Claire-bot and her perfect blonde spawn to deal with.
I walked into the strange to me, already home for Tim, house and started checking out the layout.
Right off of the foyer, was a formal dining room that had huge bay windows, and made me feel like I was on display.
Dad had filled it with a huge dining room table and formal place settings. It looked ready for a party.
When would we ever even need this? Who has been keeping these settings clean?
Around the corner from this weirdness was the kitchen. Down the hall was the living room with an adjoining room that he had made into a study.
The back part of this floor held the Master bedroom. It felt like a museum. At lease there was plenty of space to minimize the chance of actually having to spend time together.
"So Princess, what do you think so far?"
"Don't call me that and why did you buy such a big house?"
He shrugged, "It was down the road from your cousins and I thought you'd like being close to family. The upstairs is all yours. Go take a look around."
That response almost made me wonder if my father was still somewhere deep down inside this ass-hat of guy that had used me as a pawn in his game of divorce. I choked back my emotions, nodded, and walked quietly away from him.
I wandered back into the kitchen. There was a side staircase that led to the second floor. Upstairs, I found large library that held several boxes that I assumed were all the books I made Tim pay to ship, a game room with a pool table and what looked like 2 rows of seats like a small theater, and then three bedrooms.
Only one of them had any of my stuff, or anyone's stuff for that matter. The other two looked like they belonged in a hotel magazine.
Dad had asked me over the phone which room I wanted and I asked if there was one with a balcony. Surprisingly, there actually was one. It had a smaller closet than the other two but it led to a nice wide balcony with a trellis next to it. Perfect for a quick escape.
The furniture company had already been here. I tried to look at the furniture I had picked out of a catalogue two months ago. It felt like I was in a stranger's room even with some familiar items around. I couldn't see this really as mine.
I was surprised to hear voices outside an hour later as I was finishing unpacking my umpteenth box. Peeking out my window, Dad was in the backyard showing his new grill off to two of my cousins.
I was not in the mood for a family reunion just yet. The last time I had paid any attention, Dylan was the quarterback or captain or whatever for the high school hockey team and James was the school mascot and ran track in the Spring.
I was however more than willing to go downstairs when I saw four more guys coming through the back gate to meet them. I ran down the staircase to the backyard and tried to spy around a corner without being noticed.
I knew who they all were thanks to social media and forced play dates over the years. My cousins had been friends with four other families since I was three, so their digital walls were lined with memories of these guys. It was unnerving seeing all of them in the flesh again. Dylan and James were eleven months apart but did not look like Irish Twins. James was slim but still built while Dylan was built like a tree.
I was about to go back upstairs when Dylan unfortunately spotted me and called me over. I looked at Dylan for the first time up close since he had arrived. He had the same shade of blonde hair as me and it hung down in tight ringlets at his shoulders. We also had the same blue eyes. He was now 6'5 or so and had arms the size of tree trunks. The last time I had seen either of my cousins they had matching bowl cuts and were toothpicks in comparison to the two giants standing before me.
They looked like real athletes. I looked at James then a little closer. He had grown up a lot too. His sandy blonde hair was now a light brown and he had grown it out considerably like his brother. He used to wear glasses. I wondered if he was going around blind or wearing contacts.
The biggest change though was that he had grown even taller than Dylan. Their sister Laura was eighteen months younger than James. Dylan was about to be a senior, James a junior, and Laura should have been a freshman but would be a sophomore with me. Her birthday should have put her a year back but Aunt Claire had her skip kindergarten, not wanting them to be more than a grade level apart. I guess that fit into her 50 year plan more.
I walked up quietly, wishing I had thought to at least brush my hair before coming downstairs. Dylan gave me a bear hug and James followed suit. I stared awkwardly at the other boys in the circle. I knew three of them at least played hockey with Dylan. They had since midget league.
The last one was built completely different than the hockey boys. He was a good five inches shorter than Dylan, leaner than James and less muscular. It was obvious that he wasn't a gym rat like all the others. His dirty blonde hair hung in matted curls around his face like he had just woken up. Needless to say, he was the only one catching my attention. They all waved slightly, except Mr. Bedhead. He seemed to want to avoid staring at me. I could tell he had emerald green eyes. They were pretty.
All of him is pretty.
I was probably gawking a little too long at this point. I looked away in what I hoped was a casual manner. My hands felt clammy and my heart was racing. I was not into social situations.
Tim luckily chimed in, "Hey fellas, Lex is just getting settled. We will have time for all the reintroductions later. Alex, I'll come check in on ya in a bit after you have more time to look around."
I was quietly thankful that Tim did understand my lack of social ineptness. I quickly rushed away wanting to go get dressed more like a girl and less like a homeless person who had just hopped off of a plane. I heard some goodbyes and saw them leave several minutes later.
I figured they had all gone home for the night, but couple of hours later, a knock at my door said otherwise. I went to answer and saw James standing awkwardly in my doorway. We had never really hung out outside of family events and now we were about to be going to the same school.
I said the first thing that came to mind, "Hey stranger."
He smirked, "Hey Alex. Can I come in?"
"Sure." I let him pass me and tried not to choke on his axe body spray.
He had changed into a nice pair of jeans and a polo t-shirt. If I had to guess he was going out soon. I tried to hide the curiosity on my face.
He shifted from one foot from the other, obviously uncomfortable. Who could blame him? We were cousins but a lot had happened since the last time we were together... like puberty.
I snapped back to reality when he started to speak. "So are you enjoying Cabbagetown?"
I shrugged not wanting to say anything negative about his hometown even though I thought it was the stupidest name ever. "I always thought that was a nickname. Is this place really called Cabbagetown?"
"Yep. Toronto is known as the city of neighborhoods."
"And why would your parents want to live in a place that used to be the biggest slum in all of Toronto?"
"Because it's not anymore." His smirk widened, "Have you been Googling it?"
Busted.
"How else was I supposed to learn about this place?"
He laughed, finally breaking the ice and watched as he took in my days work of decorating the room. "I like what you have done with it so far."
I looked around. I had brought what I could from home. I just wanted it to look familiar. I had already unpacked a lot of my old pictures and had them placed all over the room and several on the walls.
James stood looking at an old one that had he and his siblings, me, and some little kid. I had forgotten who the child was but had always liked it because of how happy we looked.
"Do you know who is in that photo with us? I know it was taken when I was around seven but I have no clue who the kid is."
"He is one of the Munro boys. You will see him tonight if you come out with me. My mom said to ask if you wanted to come since you don't know really anyone yet."
I rolled my eyes. Of course, Aunt Claire would send him over. Heaven forbid that they didn't look like they were trying their best to help the American child of two divorces fit in.
"Great invitation, your mommy is making you invite me. What about Laura? Why wouldn't Aunt Claire make her come over?"
He shrugged shyly, "Laura is at a cheer thing tonight." He was silent for a moment then continued, "I want you to come out though. I think you might like it."
I quickly reviewed my options. I could stay at home and mope, or I could go out and try to reconnect with James. He was my cousin after all and I needed some family right now. "Where are you going?"
"To a warehouse club in deeper downtown. A band I know is playing there tonight. Two of the kids in the band are a part of the families."
Godfather music started playing in my head. Ah The Families. I might have known they would be center stage. They always had been. I would never admit it but I had always been a little jealous of those kids. My cousins seemed to want to hang out only with the families. That was the nickname they all used. It started off as Dylan's best friends from hockey and then their siblings got added in. When I would visit as a kid, my cousins would always complain when Aunt Claire made them stay and play with me, instead of hanging out with the families.
"You still hang out with all of those kids?"
"Every last one of them."
"I'm surprised that Aunt Claire is letting you go downtown."
He smirked again, "Actually she thinks I am spending the night one of their houses. There are perks to being friends with four other families."
"You are sneakier than I remember."
"Alex, you really didn't notice that we have always been sneaky? As long as we keep up the perfect child act that our mom wants we get away with murder."
I smiled, "I'm not sixteen yet. How old do you have to be to get in?"
He handed me a little card. It was a Canadian License with my name, photo, and said I was nineteen I looked utterly confused at him.
"Laura thought ahead and got you one when she was getting one for herself. Thought it would last longer if she got them to say 19 instead of 16. Let's you get into the older clubs too."
My cousins were felons? My mind was quickly exploding. "So, what kind of music is it?"
"Indie mostly. They play a lot of their own work."
"Sounds fun. Let me ask T-, my dad if I can go out." I flinched at the fact I almost called him Tim out loud. I didn't feel like explaining my daddy issues tonight.
"Tell him I'm taking you over to the Munros to hang out. That's where my mom thinks we are going."
Tim of course let me go. He seemed almost giddy that I was already going out with my cousins. I wasn't going to let him see me excited in the least. I got ready while James waited downstairs.