"Hey, congrats on everything."
Tyler fucking Seguin, one year later. Standing in front of me, congratulating me on a newly found modeling career. If you told me this is where my life would end up months ago, I'd laugh. Hard.
I struggled with formulating an answer. Julia looked at me with wide eyes, as if she were waiting for a response. "Thanks," I said, looking away.
"Wow, it's been a while since you guys have been together. You know, like in the same room." Julia started to ramble as an attempt to resurrect what history we had. "Well, not that we're in a room, we're in a backyard, my backyard, but you know." She shrugged. There was still silence between Tyler and I. "Well, I'm gonna get going. Tyler, it's great to see you." She gave him a warm hug before giving me one last look.
And then it was two.
"So, how have you been? It's been a while. Julia's house is-"
"Tyler," I snapped. I continued to struggle with finding words. "This is just.." I motioned towards nothing. "I haven't seen you in a year."
"I know, Sav."
My heart instantly dropped to my ass. Sav. Adriana called me Sav, Steve called me Sav, my coworkers at Joyeux called me Sav. Yet it was something different when he said it. It always was.
"I don't know what to say to you." I scoffed. "365 days."
There was another silence. I took a good look at him this time, making use of the awkward silence. His hair has grown considerably since our last interaction- it began to curl at the nape of his neck. The beard that gave me security and the sweats was grown in perfectly. And of course, his tattoos were out to play as he wore a short-sleeve shirt that hugged him perfectly.
"Well, I mean I could start. You can ask me anything." A sheepish grin crept on his face. "I'm an open book." A slight giggle left his mouth.
My eyebrows furrowed- upon a second look, I noticed his face was a bit redder than usual. "Okay. My first question- are you drunk?"
Tyler scoffed. "No, why? I'm not drunk I just got here." He shuffled around. "What makes you think that I'm drunk?"
"Your face is red. Y'know, back in our days we used to get drunk a couple of times together."
He ran a hand through his hair while showing another smile. "Okay, you got me. I've actually been here a while. Your sister invited me, but I was too nervous to approach you so I had to take a couple of shots. I might've taken them too fast. It happens. Right?"
My lip curled. "Tyler, what exactly are you trying to say?"
"Huh? Oh no, no not like that. I wasn't referencing what happened, I swear." He became more flushed in the face. "Fuck," He mumbled.
Another silence.
"Sav, I- I'm struggling here. Is there somewhere private we can sit and talk?" Tyler pleaded.
"Yeah, Julia and Brandon have a balcony outside their bedroom, we can talk there." I motioned my head for him to follow me. On our way to our confidential meeting, I grabbed a margarita from the bartender to prepare myself.
-
Facing the Spring sunset that was setting, me and Tyler struggled to find comfort in each other's presence. His hands kept running through his hair while I kept shaking the ice in my glass. The answer I eluded for a year seemed to have found me and trapped me in a corner that I couldn't possibly leave. It was suffocating.
"Savannah," Tyler finally started. "I know it's been a while. A long year." His gaze shifted from the sunset and into my eyes. "I'm proud of you. Your sister told me what's been going on, with that guy Steve and his apartment, you handling your own. I'm proud of you."
I forced a half-ass grin. "Thanks man."
There was a small pause. "I want you to know that I dated around while we were apart."
It was my turn to break my gaze from the Spring sun, and stare into his eyes. Defensiveness immediately shot through me but I kept it within reign. My sessions with Dr. Ann were not going to waste this fast. I waited for him to continue, but there was nothing.
"No response?" He asked. I furrowed my eyebrows.
"Um, why would there be? We weren't together."
Tyler tilted his head. "Okay, well what if I told you that I'm still seeing someone?"
A quick pause choked me for a beat longer than I wanted. "I'd tell you congratulations and ask who she is." I forced.
Tyler pursed his lips. "Okay." Our gaze broke. "What if I told you it was Ali?"
I scoffed. I knew it was the reaction he wanted, and I was immediately frustrated with myself by giving it to him so soon. "I'd say I wouldn't be surprised, and I'd take back my statement on asking who she is." Anger began to course through me. "Seriously Tyler, can we not do this? That's kinda not the first thing I want to hear when I haven't seen you in a year."
There was more silence. "I'm sorry." He muttered.
I shook my head. "You're just drunk."
Silence flowed through us once again, leaving us to reflect on the us of the past, versus the us of now. "She's a nice lady, Sav, I don't get why you hate her."
"I don't hate her Tyler, I never said that."
"You act like it."
I sat my margarita down and gave him a glare. "Tyler. Please. I don't mean to be rude, but are you here to shove that shit in my face?"
He shrugged. "I don't think it's 'shoving shit' in your face,'" he said as he used air quotes. "I see it more as catching up. Tell me about yourself, who are you seeing? Y'know, she saw those pictures of you. The ones that got you that contract. Who took them? Steve? Or some other guy you're seeing?"
I couldn't tell if it was growth from Dr. Ann's sessions or just the old me peaking through, but this was some sort of test. Whether of my newly found self-control or Tyler just pushing to see me break, I wasn't falling for it. "Well for starters, I'm not seeing anyone, and Steve's girlfriend- who I might add, is not me- took them. Matter of fact, she's the one who got me the job. And no, I'm not seeing anyone."
Amused, Tyler tapped his fingers together. "Single, eh?"
I nodded in inferiority and took a sip of my margarita. "Why didn't you bring Ali? She could've came."
"You hate her."
I sighed. "Tyler, if there's anger with me, please just tell me."
He scoffed. "There's a ton of fucking anger, Savannah. There's anger in the way that you left me, there's anger in your reluctance to trust me after our pitiful fucking hookup after you left me AGAIN, there's anger in your lack of response to that text I sent you. There's anger, Savannah, after I opened up my home to you. There's anger in the way you fucked me over and fucked up my ability to trust, which is fucking up my relationship now."
We both made eye contact immediately. "And there's anger in the fact that I still want you in spite of it."
As much as I wanted to look away, I couldn't bring myself to do it. One year without looking at him was enough. There was visible pain in his eyes that I could only source to myself. The lack of trust I displayed, the way I extorted him, the way I ended up being one of the groupies I never wanted to be in the first place. He was hurt.
"Tyler, I-"
"Just answer one question for me, Sav. Just one." His hands were intertwined and up to his mouth now as he slouched back in the chair. "Why did you leave? Why couldn't we have talked?"
There was a pause of silence as I searched for something that could provide him with some sort of closure. "I told you before Tyler, I didn't feel needed. I felt like a burden. This girl, who wandered into a Stars game on her birthday just to end up moving in with a hockey player that was on that ice not nearly a week later. I didn't feel needed, Tyler. You took care of me when you didn't have to. Opened the door to your house when you didn't have to. I felt small, compared to your big world. I was just this demanding, angry bitch. I didn't want you to take part in that anymore. I just wanted it done and over."
He rubbed his beard. His eyes were low, a familiar low. His brooding eyes were back in front of me, examining me. "Did you ever stop to think that I never saw you in that light? That maybe you provided me with structure? That you provided me with more security than my career ever did? Sav, I don't know if I'm going to the playoffs at the start of a season. Hell, sometimes I don't know until the last game of the season. I could get traded any minute. But I could come home and know you were there. My safety net."
There was another silence amongst us. I took the chance to ask him my million dollar question. "Do you love Ali?" I muttered. "Were you guys dating at the wedding?"
Tyler shook his head. "No, but it was a couple of months after that." He dodged my initial question, but I wouldn't let up.
"Do you love her though?"
Tyler stared off at the sinking sunset before sighing. "I do." An immediate pain shot through my chest. "But it's not the same as you."
"I don't think you should be that comfortable saying that Tyler." I stated, staying strong. "You're still together."
Suddenly, his phone rang. He pulled it out and raised his eyebrows. "Well, speak of the devil." Tyler pulled the phone up to his ear. "Hey babe,"
I took this as my signal to up and leave. There was no way in hell that I was going to sit and listen to the conversation, and plus I had to start giving my goodbye's. As I got up to leave the balcony, he grabbed my wrist, restricting me from leaving.
"Yes, I'm going to be back tonight. Okay. Yes. Yeah, she's here. She's doing great." It was clear I was their topic of discussion. "No, don't be an ass Ali, I would never. Yes. I love you too."
I love you too.
I pulled out of his grip with success and stormed off through Julia and Brandon's bedroom.
I love you too. My ears started ringing. I can't be mad. I couldn't. He has every right to love her.
As I reached for the doorknob to exit the room, I heard the balcony door open and shut. "Savannah, are you-"
"Tyler, please not now." Before I knew it, he caught up to me and shut the door before grabbing my wrist again.
"Sav, you-"
"Stop fucking calling me that. Just stop." Tears started falling down my face. It was too much too fast. Why could I not accept him loving another girl? Especially after what I did to him?
"Stop calling you Sav? What's the problem now? You leave for a year and some change, I find another girlfriend, and you flip out. Why is what I do never enough?"
I looked away, sobbing. "I think you should go."
Tyler backed off. "Fine. I'll see you around then."
A promise that I knew neither of us would keep.