over the edge . All he could think about was getting pissed and self destructing .
Some might say, why do dress as Katie Wilson ? Some might say why do dress up as girl ? Katie Wilson saves me , Katie Wilson sets me free . Some might say you looking fucking stupid. I don't care because I don't want to me a man . All they do is hurt and cause you pain . You know what some might say ? You know what some might say
Fuck off , fuck off , fuck off.
He was back at the flat now, he'd completely ignored Vince like he didn't exist. He was half way through a bottle of scotch that he'd stopped to get at Tesco's extra on the way home.
He hadn't drunk for years but he'd snapped, even dressing wouldn't help him at the moment .
I dress as Katie Wilson she sets me , no one sees the scars underneath , they think I'm ok , I live my life just being nice, people hurt you, tonight I'm a frock and roll star and if you're not proud of who I am , you're not my friend , tonight I'm a frock and roll star , tonight I'm a frock and roll star , tonight I'm a frock and roll star , this is frock and roll , this is frock and roll , this is frock and roll , this is frock and roll .
The music from his iPad blared into his ears .
Made a meal and threw it up on Sunday , what's the matter with me ? Looking for the answers - Katie sets me free , if only you knew , don't go away Katie , please hold my hand , what's the matter with me ? stand by me , nobody knows the way that it's been , stand by me , yeah nobody knows the way that it means . If you love me , love Katie as well . Cos she makes me whole , yeah stand by me , nobody knows only Katie , she holds my hand , when everyone else left , don't you know that I'm Katie , yeah nobody knows , the way that it's been , stand by me cos only God knows , the way that it's been .
It was a rough night as he downed half a bottle of scotch and four or five cans of beer . He wasn't a drinker he'd seen what it did too people, but the past few days had been too much .
He kept thinking of the school bullies , of his birth mum , his birth Dad and the anger raged below the surface .
Some of the faces of colleagues that he'd lost swam through his mind . Some were from years ago and some were the recent ones who hadn't even been buried yet .
He thought of Chris and anger burned in his soul . Anger at Chris and anger at himself. Anger at the world and anger that he was a man . The past , the past, the past .
He was angry that he had turned to drink , angry for being so weak . Angry that he'd birth mum hadn't wanted him . When he woke his head banged like nothing before. He felt like shit.
He wanted the world to swallow him up.
He dragged himself to the bathroom , everything was an effort . Eventually he found himself in a full bath ; not moving , just laying there . Hating himself, hating the cruel world, hating God if there was one .
Maybe he should leave the force ? Maybe he just go away and start somewhere new . Why did other people have perfect life's, wives , girlfriends, kids ?
The day was a washout. He just laid on the sofa , watching crap TV , thinking , hurting and angry .
By tea time he felt more in the real world. Needing some air , he walked down the two flights of stairs and stood outside . Closing his eyes , breathing deep, taking on air like it was the nee heroin .
A car pulled up, it was Chris.
Shit .
"Are you alright ? he asked softly . There was a nervousness to his voice . Dave nodded slowly but didn't answer . His head still banging.
" I heard what happened . I was worried . I wanted to call but couldn't ."
"I wouldn't have answered anyway ." said Dave calmly not looking at Chris. "No I didn't think so, I er ."
"Do you want to come up for a coffee ." Dave interrupted him and looked at him for the first time . Realising he wanted to talk to someone ."My head feels like shit ." then he rubbed his hands through his hair and looked at Chris and smiled.
"Yeah ok. " Chris smiled back and they both knew it was goona be alright.
"So how's work ." Dave said once he'd made a coffee for both of them. Looking for something to say . "I'm gay. " Chris blurted out looking straight at Dave .
It wasn't the sort of conversation that Dave was expecting this time of day . Chris continued before he had fathomed an in answer in his banging head ." I've always known ." he was leaning forward hugging his mug with both hands looking at the floor . "Well since I was about 15 ." he needed to talk , it was like a dam that had burst and now there was no stopping it. "I like trans girls as well . " he was looking straight at Dave looking for a response .
Dave sat there transfixed ; his hangover suddenly gone, he was wide awake. Wasn't he ?
His eyes darted from side to side , his brain looking to understand, his mouth frozen unable to speak .
"Say something . Anything ." Chris was looking at him , panicking . Desperate for a response .
Dave's mouth opened but no words would form . "Bbbbuttt !" he stuttered . "All them women ?" his forehead creased in a frown not unable to digest what he'd just heard .
Chris looked up to the ceiling , shaking his head from side to side. "There were no women . I made it all up."
Dave got up and paced around the room . It was all too much . "The other night ?" he turned to face Chris quizzing him .
"I could see you were in pain . I've never seen you like that before ."
Dave closed his eyes ."That poor girl ."
"You blame yourself don't you ?"
There were tears in Dave's eyes ."If only !"
"Don't !" Chris cut in . "You can't blame yourself. You're not the one who cut her throat. " he got up and walked to where Dave was standing. He took Dave's hand and held it tight and looked into Dave's eyes .
Dave wanted to look away but he couldn't instead he leaned forward and he kissed Chris gently on the lips . A fear rose in him that Chris would pull back but he didn't , his hand slipped around Dave's waste and kissed him back .
"I love you Katie ." he whispered . "I've always loved you. "
He nibbled Dave's neck . Dave stood back his eyes open . Confusion arose in him . "I don't understand ! How ? What are you saying ?
Chris took his other hand and stood in front of him . "Ever since you told me and showed me the photos . I think you're amazing ." he said smiling .
Dave's chest was beating so fast . Everything was out of control . What was happening. ?"
"Dress up for me please . " Chris asked gazing into Katie's eyes .
Dave nodded gently a few times , unsure of what was happening but it felt right .
"I'll make myself another cup of coffee if that's ok ."
"Sure help yourself. There's some biscuits if you like in the cupboard . " he couldn't believe he was talking about biscuits and that he was dressing up for a man . And not just any man but his best friend .
He really his head was still banging but he felt happy . Probably happier than he'd ever felt .
Normally he'd pre planned what to wear during the course of the day . So this was a new experience . He diet know what was going to happen but all he knew was that part of him had opened up.
In the bedroom he thought about what to wear and then realised that he hadn't shaved or anything . So he popped his head back into the lounge, Chris wasn't there he was in the kitchen .
"I'm going to have to have a bath first ." he felt nervous and excited when he saw Chris . It was ridiculous really .
"Ok, take as long as you like I'm not going anywhere ." Chris said turning to him and smiling as he unscrewed the coffee jar .
Dave had been through a rollercoaster the last few days and now this topped it all off.
He'd already had a bath that day so in the end he decided to use his all over body razor and he topped it off but shaving his face with his gillette .
Once in the bedroom it wouldn't take long . He'd decided in the bathroom on a black corduroy skirt , with black tights , a maroon coloured T-shirt with a thin black cardigan and finished off with his gold flat ballet shoes .
The whole exercise with shaving took him just over half an hour . Once the wig went went on he saw Katie looking back at him in the mirror. The nerves is his tummy were doing somersaults as he opened the bedroom door and looked towards Chris.
Chris looked up from the sofa . He had the TV on . A smile came onto his face and his eyes seemed to light up . "Wow ." his smile seemed to be getting wider .
Katie stood there nervous before him .
"You look great babe ."
Her heart jumped and the nerves in her tummy jumped again. "Come and sit next to me . "
Katie felt her cheeks going red . It was a nice feeling
She went and sat on the sofa next to him as Chris had told her too .
She could feel the tension in her arms and in her shoulders .
"You ok babe . " she nodded shyły .
"Shall we watch something on the TV. ?" Chris was so relaxed it made her relaxed as well . "Ok ." she smiled .
He flicked through the channels and found 'Dads Army ' . "You ok with this ." he asked her .
"I don't mind . " she smiled shyly .
They started watching the programme together and laughing together .
After a few minutes Chris slipped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her towards him but she didn't flinch . She just leaned into him . He turned his head and kissed the top of her head .
They just sat there for the next three hours watching TV in silence mainly . Chris went and made them another cup of coffee at some stage . Katie had never felt happier .
"I'd better go. " said Chris about 10 o'clock taking his arm from Katie's shoulder .
"Ok . I've got work tomorrow anyway . By the way . What did you do on your days off ?"
Chris pushed his lips together tightly so you couldn't see them and raised his eyes to the ceiling . " I didn't have any holiday. I called in sick . I was all over the place . I didn't know what to do that's why I came round tonight ."
"So where does that leave us ?" Katie asked cautiously looking at Chris . Chris took a deep breath. " Fuck knows , all I know is that I love you."
Katie didn't trust herself to speak at first . So there was a minute where they just stared at each other . "You love Katie !" "No, I love Dave as well . You come together ."
Chris reached out and held Katie's hand. Then put his arm around her waist and pulled her tightly to him and kissed her . They pulled apart and stood looking into each other's eyes for a few seconds .
"Katie is better looking than Dave ." I have to admit Chris joked .
"Fuck off ." but she was laughing . She took off her shoe and went to hit Chris's backside but he was too quick for her . She chased him for a few seconds until they both crashed onto the sofa . They stared into each other eyes as Chris found himself on top of Katie . A moment went between them before they realised what was happening .
"I'd better go . " said Chris looking suddenly looking embarrassed and not able to meet Katie's eyes . "Yes ok . " Katie looked the same and self conscious and adjusting her skirt slightly .
"You are gorgeous though . " Chris smiled . The pupils of his eyes dilating .
" I love you ." the words left Katie's mouth and knocked Chris for six ."
After he'd gone Katie sat on the sofa . She didn't really know how she felt . She was excited but always nervous and scared a well . Where did they go from here ? They hadn't even discussed the murders which was a good good thing really .
Just as she was deciding to call it a night her mobile rang . She looked to see who it was . It was Alison . "Hi Alison You ok ? "
"Hi Dave . Look I've just spoken to a friend of a friend and it seems that Martin has bolted to Ghent in Belgium ." (It was strange being called Dave when he was dressed as Katie .) "Are you there Dave ?"
The day's events were taking its toll and yet again the see-saw was in action .
"Yeah erm oh ." Katie stumbled over her words .
"Don't you think it's strange his girlfriends just been murdered and he's going away ? She hasn't even been buried yet ."
"It is a bit odd ." admitted Dave . Too tired to think about it really.
"I'm going after him ."
"WHAT !" Katie's tiredness dispersed . " But ! but what good's that gonna do ?"
"I don't know but I can't just sit here and do nothing . I'm booked on the 3.30 plane from Manchester airport to Brussels tomorrow afternoon ."
"But Alison, that's crazy what are you gonna do if you catch up with him ? And what about work ?"
"I don't know . I haven't thought that far ahead yet . I'm not back in till Monday now and I might call a sickie if I have too."
"Look luv. I don't think you've thought this through properly ." Katie was trying to talk her out of it .
" Look at least think about it. Sleep on it please . That's all I can ask you to do ." "Ok I will but I've already made up my mind . "
"Ok thanks good night and take care ."
Katie put her phone down on the coffee table and leaned back . It was crazy but she had to admit that it was all a bit odd . She didn't think that Alison was going the right way about it by taking things into her own hands, but she kind of got it .