I felt a hollow ache deep in my chest at the words so casually uttered.
...eating and fucking are his two favorite pastimes.
"Hey, are you ok?" It was the fan whose photo I'd been signing moments ago; an innocent exchange that unexpectedly became a bitter insight into James' life while we'd been apart. "Are you ok," Kevin asked again worriedly.
"I...I'm fine," I managed to respond, even as I felt frozen with pain.
"Ok...if you're sure." I could feel him looking at me, but I couldn't make myself meet his gaze. "Well thanks again for the autograph, it means a lot."
I was vaguely aware of him taking the photo out of my hand and walking away.
Wrapping arms around myself didn't do a damn thing to ward off the chill spreading through my body at Kevin's disclosure. Feeling eyes on me, I looked up to see James grinning at me, but I couldn't muster a single emotion back. I felt numb. I felt empty.
His smile froze, his gaze darkening, and he made to move towards me. I turned then and fled, blindly finding the nearest exit as I felt the walls closing in on me. James was shouting my name but I couldn't stop, I couldn't look at him at that moment as image after image of him fucking one faceless woman after another filled my mind. I couldn't stop them, though my heart was crying out at the pain, my mind wouldn't let me ignore the reality that he'd fucked his way through each day we were apart with god knew how many women.
I stopped short as a sob of anguish got caught in my throat.
"Breathe baby."
James' anxious voice seemed to be coming from far away, though I knew he'd caught up to me and was stroking my back soothingly. I tried to catch my breath, squeezing my eyes shut against the images that taunted me cruelly.
"Leila, what happened baby?" Jamie pulled me into his arms, his hands never stopping as they gently ran up and down my back. "Did someone do something or say something to upset you?"
I nodded my head, still unable to form words.
"Who did it?" he questioned fiercely, "I'll fuckin' kill them!"
The irony of his words broke through the pain. "You!" I choked out. "It was you!"
He pulled back to look at me, his eyes wide with surprise. "What did I do—"
"Eat, fuck!" I practically shouted, having found my voice again.
"Oh shit."
I pulled out of his arms and pushed away from him; I couldn't bear to have him touching me, not with everything swirling in my head.
"'Oh shit' is right," I sneered. "Apparently your appetite for screwing every available female is legendary."
"Leila—"
"You literally just told me the other night that all you had was the band and touring...but that was bullshit! You said you were missing me...but when did you have time when you were too busy fucking!"
I was shaking with hurt and anger. Maybe some of it was irrational, we had been apart, he hadn't been cheating. Plus he was a rock star, and even if I hadn't already heard the rumors, I knew that women were constantly vying for his attention. Hell, he'd even gotten himself engaged; I wasn't so naïve to think that he'd been celibate all this time. But knowing how broken I'd been all those years, and to know now that he'd filled his time with one woman after another, being intimate in ways that should have been for he and I alone...I felt betrayed. I felt sick at the thought of all those hands on his body, their lips on his lips, and absolutely heartbroken that his lips and hands had touched them back. And deep down I had to wonder, now that he'd lived a life of total sexual excess, would he ever be satisfied with just one woman for the rest of his life?
I could feel James looking at me.
"I dunno what to say," he said quietly, his hands reaching towards me imploringly. "We weren't supposed to ever have this conversation. I didn't think I've ever have another chance at a life with you."
"Would you have done things differently?" I spat. "Slept with less women?"
He ran a hand through his hair. "Yes, of course I would have done things different. But that wasn't the plan Lei...I wasn't countin' on our paths ever crossin' again. If I'd known I'd have a chance with you again. If I could take it all back—"
"You can't take it back!" I shouted. "You can't take any of it back!" We stared at each other for long moments. "Making love," I continued forlornly, "it...it was supposed to be for us—you and me—forever. But you...you left me, and then you went out and shared that with...with...with all those women."
I stopped talking, staring down at the ground in misery.
"Dontcha think I think about you with other guys?" I looked up him to see his eyes shadowed with pain. "You slept with other people too Leila."
"And I felt ashamed over it, like I was cheating. How fucking rich is that?"
"And you think I didn't?"
"Certainly not enough to stop."
He turned away, his good hand clenching and unclenching in agitation as he paced.
Stopping suddenly, he swung back around and stalked towards me. "You wanna know the truth?" His eyes were blazing with frustration. "Yer right, I did fuck around. Because for half a second, I could almost forget everything that I'd done. For half a second, I'd pretend I was with you, and I'd feel almost good. But it wasn't you, no matter how much I'd try and pretend. And every fuckin' time I'd fuckin' hate myself even more, like I was pissin' on all the love I feel for you." He paused then, and when he spoke again, his voice was low and rough. "After a while, I didn't know how to feel normal if I wasn't hatin' myself like that."
I sucked in a sharp breath at his words, but I didn't know what to say. We were at an impasse, and I had no idea how to get around it.
"Maybe we should spend some time apart." I could barely get the words out.
James' face fell as he shook his head in denial. "No Lei, please. I can't, I can't—"
"I think it's for the best," I interjected quickly, though I didn't really think that at all. "It's all so much...and I need to figure things out."
He reached out and cupped my face, forcing me to meet his tormented gaze. My heart shattered at the hurt I saw there. "Leila, I just got you back. I can't lose you again."
Tears were gathering in my eyes, but I blinked them back. "I got caught up bein' with you again Jamie...and I forgot for a little while...that you...you weren't mine. I...I have to figure out how to be ok with that. Cuz right now...I'm not ok."
"Please baby...don't...don't do this."
"I'm sorry Jamie"—pulling out of his grasp, I took a step back—"I need to go."
Without waiting for a response, I turned and hurried away before I could change my mind.
~
Somehow I found the dressing room assigned to the GNR backup singers. Thankfully, Roberta and Tracey seemed to be occupied elsewhere, or maybe they'd gone back to the hotel to rest; I was just grateful to have a quiet refuge where I could think about the fight I'd just had with Jamie.
Maybe 'fight' was too strong a word. It implied an attack on both sides, but really, I'd been the only one angry. Jamie...Jamie had been afraid. Afraid of my pain, my anger; afraid I'd leave. Which I had.
"Shit!" I muttered out loud. "What the fuck am I doing? I'm trying to make sense of everything coming at me...but instead of being smart, instead of thinking things through, I'm making one impulsive decision after the next." Sitting down on a worn couch in a corner of the room, I leaned my head against the rear of the sofa and stared at the ceiling. "I have so much still that I have to figure out, but fuck...the moment I'm near Jamie, all I wanna do is just crawl into his arms and forget everything that's happened. But then something like this comes up and I'm reminded of all the shit that hasn't been worked through, and it hurts so much to love him and be so fuckin' angry at him at the same time."
I let out a long sigh then and closed my eyes, pushing back at the noise in my head.
I must have fallen asleep, because next thing I knew, Tracey was gently shaking my shoulder. Opening my eyes, I looked up to see her smiling down at me. "Hey sleepyhead."
"Hey," I croaked out.
Her eyes brightened with amusement. "Yeah, we better do some extra warm-ups today, you sound like shit." I ignored that comment, but she didn't seem to notice. "Anyway, we've got time for that later. Axl went MIA again after the soundcheck and who knows when he'll get here...so...if you were thinking about heading up to watch a certain someone play their set, I'm sure there's plenty of time to do that and come back to get ready after."
My pulse leapt, but immediately I pushed down on the urge to go to James. "Yeah...I think...I think I'm gonna skip watching Metallica today."
I avoided her gaze, but that didn't deter her. Sitting down, she waited expectantly. Finally, I turned to look at her. "What happened?" she asked kindly. "I thought things were back on track with you two."
"They were, we were."
"And...?"
I let out a sigh. "The real world showed up."
She crinkled her nose at me. "What does that mean?"
"It means"—I shifted myself on the sofa so I could face her better—"that I was very much reminded that there is a lot of shit still to be worked out with James and me. Shit that I pretended didn't matter for a couple days. But it does matter...to me anyway."
"I'm not gonna try and pretend I have any idea of what you're talking about."
My lips twisted into a small smile at her candor. "I'm sorry, I know I'm not making any sense." I sighed. "That's part of my problem really, my thoughts and emotions are all over the place...and I don't know how to make sense of it all. I feel like I'm just reacting and not thinking. James does that to me, he makes me impulsive."
"Because you love him," Tracey stated simply.
I shrugged my shoulders in defeat. "Yeah. I do. And that was fine when we were younger, but now I feel like I'm just being reckless and stupid. And I don't want to end up hurting either of us because of it."
"But if you love him—"
"That can't be the answer for everything Tracey!" I countered angrily, but she wasn't the one I was angry at. "I can't just say the words and everything is magically fine, because it's not!" I stopped abruptly before turning apologetic eyes to her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm just so frustrated."
Reaching out, she laid a hand over mine. "I'm not offended, I'm just worried about you. I know you've talked to Roberta some and I really don't know much about what's going on with you and James, but I'm happy to listen. Use me as your sounding board, maybe it'll help you figure some of this out."
"I don't wanna drag you into this too," I answered with a pained smile. "I've subjected my friends to enough of my drama with James over the years."
"But that's what friends are for Lei. We help each other out when one of us is going through a rough time, we don't let someone we care about suffer alone." She squeezed my hand. "I know from experience that it only makes things worse anyway when you keep it to yourself."
I flopped back against the couch and closed my eyes as I let out a long breath, resisting the impulse to shut down. "You know that James and I have a past together," I started to explain quietly, "a long, complicated past. When we...reconnected again on this tour, we both discovered some truths about the other. Everything I thought I knew about him over the last six years that we were apart, it's totally different now."
"Different enough that now you're thinking about giving your relationship another chance?" Tracey prompted gently.
"I know it's what he wants."
"And is it what you want?"
I let out a long breath. "Yes...I...I want to be with him; every fuckin' cell in my body is pulling me back to him. But I have a lot of complicated feelings about James...anger...and hurt...and fear. One minute I'm feeling like everything is perfect, that things are going to be ok, and then something happens that brings all of those darker emotions back."
"So I take it, something happened today?"
I nodded and finally opened my eyes to look at her. "After the soundcheck, instead of going back to the hotel, I went to where Metallica was having a meet and greet with fans. I ended up getting an unwanted reminder of Jamie's extra-curricular activities while we were apart."
From the pain on my face, it wasn't hard to guess what I was referring to.
"You mean women?" I nodded and Tracey let out a sigh. "Hon, you had to have known he'd been with other women when you guys weren't together. That can't have been a surprise."
"I'm not stupid, of course I knew. But then some guy had an older photo of Jamie on stage from a couple years ago. James had the words 'Eet fuk' written on his guitar, and when I asked what it meant, the guy said that James had written them on there himself cuz they were—and I quote—'his favorite pastimes'." I could hear the emotion in my voice, and tears began to gather at the back of my eyes. "His favorite activity was fucking women Tracey! Not playing sports, or drinking, or even playing music, but fucking!"
"Oh."
"Yeah, 'oh'. And now all I can think about is all the women he was with, it's like this endless loop in my head and I can't shut it off." The tears began to slide down over my cheeks. "I guess maybe I am stupid, cuz I think there was some part of me that still had this fairytale going on in my head. That Jamie and me were in some little bubble, away from everything and everyone else. Untouched. Perfect." I looked up sadly at my friend. "But that piece of us is gone. I guess that's why my heart feels like it's breaking all over again. That Jamie and Leila are gone forever."
Her face softened with sympathy. "Where does that leave you now?" she asked gently.
"That's just it...I dunno. I don't know how to not feel so angry and jealous...and so fuckin' sad." I wiped the tears from my face and let out a breath. "I spent all that time hurting and lost, and I know he was too...I don't know how we're supposed to get past all that. I don't know how to get past my anger at what he put us through. I don't know how I'm going to let him touch me without thinking of all those women and worrying whether he's gonna be satisfied with just me. I don't know if I can trust him to not hurt me again."
Neither of us spoke for a moment.
"Look," Tracey stated quietly, "I do understand how hard it is to let go of stuff, I had my own drama when Brian and I first started dating. I mean, I'd never been instantly drawn to someone like I was with him; I just knew the moment we met that he was going to be someone important in my life. But I'd been hurt before too and I was scared to set myself up for heartache, so I threw up every wall I could, resisted him at every turn, found reason after reason for why we couldn't be together. I don't know why he stuck with me, but he wouldn't give up on us...and eventually I ran out of reasons." Her eyes clouded over then. "Other women were a big sticking point for us too. The guys on the crew may not get the amount of attention that the band members do, but there are plenty of women prowling around every show. Brian slept with a lot of women over the years. A lot. I know it's different with you and James, because of your history and all, but I still had to figure out someway to be ok with his past and trust in Brian that I was the only woman he was choosing to be with going forward."
"How..." I asked tentatively, "how did you get there? How did you let yourself trust him enough to let go of the fear?"
She smiled sheepishly. "My mom had to straighten me out after one too many teary phone calls back home. Finally, she'd had enough and gave me the same advice I'm about to give you." She paused for a moment. "There's one thing that's true about all relationships, whether it's new, or in your case, starting over...at some point, you both are gonna have to take a leap of faith. Nothing is ever guaranteed hon and we'd never let ourselves fall in love if we waited for one...so you just have to decide that you're going to do it anyway, make the leap and be together, despite the risks, despite your fears."
"So I'm just supposed to say to hell with everything he's done, how he's hurt me...forget about all the women he's slept with?" I challenged heatedly.
"No Lei, of course not. You deserve to feel everything you're feeling, I'm not telling you not to. But if you want to be with James again, at some point you're going to have to decide whether you can get past it so that you can move forward with him. Cuz if you don't let it go, you'll find yourself punishing him every day you're together...and you'll both be miserable."
A ball of resentment at James had been steadily building in my chest and I felt suffocated by it, but I knew she was right. Hell, I'd be giving the same advice if I were offering the advice rather than taking it.
Just then the door opened and Roberta walked in all smiles, until she saw the two of us. "What did he do now?"
I smiled weakly. "He didn't do anything, this is me. I'm...I'm struggling."
She came over immediately and squeezed herself onto the sofa between Tracey and me; wrapping an arm around each of us, we both leaned against her. The three of us were silent as I thought about everything Tracey had said.
Just then, the crowd noise swelled and distantly I could hear the opening strains to The Ecstasy of Gold. An image came to mind from years earlier when Jamie and I were young and in love, the future an unknown and unblemished. I remembered the moments we shared, the way we'd lived each day devoted and committed to each other; a connection so strong, neither of us could ever imagine it being broken. How were we supposed to get back to that place again?
"I don't know Tracey," I finally whispered quietly, "I don't know if I can make that leap of faith. And feeling that way, it...it scares the shit outta me."
~
As bullheaded as James was, he seemed to be respecting my request to keep his distance. I knew it was killing him because it was killing me, but I didn't see him during the GNR set. I didn't see him after the show either, though I went straight back to the hotel. There was a beautiful bouquet of flowers in my room waiting for me; and even though there wasn't a card, I knew they were from him.
I didn't see him the next day either as we traveled from KC to Denver, the Metallica jet having already departed by the time we got to the airport. Knowing he was jetting farther and farther away from me, only magnified my existing state of doubt and hopelessness.
Arriving in Denver, there was another huge bouquet of flowers in the room that had been assigned to Roberta and I. She just shook her head but kept silent. Again there was no note, and I felt its absence keenly. I missed James so much, it was eating away at me, but I was no closer to figuring out how to move forward, and it wouldn't be fair to him to go back on what I had asked for.
Listlessly, I stared out the window until it was time to go to the soundcheck. Upon returning to the hotel, I barely picked at the food I'd ordered to the room before curling up in a ball on my bed and falling into a troubled sleep.
~
I was dreaming of my attack, the same nightmare that had haunted me for months after Germany. I was trying to scream despite the invisible hands around my throat, and I clawed at them but the pressure wouldn't let up. I felt myself sinking into nothingness, and my one thought then was of James.
"Jamie!" I woke up gasping his name and choking on tears as the horror of the dream bore down on me. Wrapping arms around myself, I tried to stop the trembling and shivers wracking my body. Looking over, I could see that Roberta was still sound asleep. Without thinking, I picked up the hotel phone.
"Front desk, how may I assist you?"
"Y...yes," I choked out. "I'm trying to reach Mr. Hetfield's ro—"
"Yes, Miss McKinnon, I'll put you right through."
I didn't even ask her how she knew it was me.
"No, don't. I just need the room number. If you can. Please."
"Of course. Mr. Hetfield is in suite 14 on the 25th floor."
I mumbled a thank you, and without waiting to second guess the sanity of what I was doing, I borrowed one of the robes hanging in the closet and made my way barefoot up to the 25th floor. Only when I was standing at the door of suite 14 did I begin to doubt the wisdom of going to him.
Just then, a sound from somewhere startled me and the terror of the dream washed over me again. Without hesitating, I knocked sharply on the door. A minute went by before I heard the door being unlocked, and then it was opened to reveal a disheveled James.
The shock on his face was quickly replaced with concern as he got a better look at me. "Leila. What happened, what's wrong."
I wanted to throw myself into his arms, but I held myself back.
"I...I had a nightmare. He..."—I broke down then, tears spilling down my cheeks—"he...was choking me—"
I didn't even finish before Jamie was pulling me into his arms, engulfing me in the strength and security of his embrace. "Shhhhh Lei, I've got you," he murmured as he held me tight against him. "I've got you."
I was barely aware as he picked me up and carried me into the suite, kicking the door shut behind him. Then he was laying me down on a bed, but he never let lose his grip on me as he laid down beside me, holding me as my trembling eventually gave way to exhaustion.
~
God I felt good. Warm and safe, the sound of Jamie's heartbeat thumping a steady cadence in my ear.
Oh crap.
It all came back to me then. Despite my good intentions, I'd done the thing I'd sworn I wouldn't; I had gone to James. Granted, I'd been scared and half asleep, but I was still an asshole for breaking the rules. How could I face him this morning? Maybe I could slip out before he woke up, save us both the embarrassment of having an awkward conversation.
I told myself to move, but my body refused to even consider it. The truth was, I wasn't sure I was even capable of removing myself from the absolute bliss of lying in his arms. After a brief inner argument between reason and longing, I tried again and made to slip from his embrace. His arms tightened and I looked up quickly to see that he was awake and watching me. Words of apology got stuck in my throat as I got lost in his stare. Somehow, I'd never forgotten the exact shade of blue of his eyes.
"I..." I stuttered and stopped. "I'm sorry."
His brow furrowed with confusion. "For what?" His voice was low and husky, and I lost my train of thought for a moment.
"For...for showing up here last night."
"Leila, don't apo—"
"It wasn't fair of me to come here Jamie," I cut him off.
"I don't give a shit about fair Lei." He shifted then so that I was flat on the bed and he was leaning over me. "You needed me, and I'd never not help you."
I stared up at him again, overcome with emotion. "I...I don't know what I'm doing," I admitted despondently.
His face softened and his lips spread into a wan smile. "Neither do I. But...but maybe we could try and figure it out. Together."
I shook my head at that. "But I'm supposed to be taking time on my own to think about things, how can I do that when I'm distracted."
His smile widened. "So, I'm a distraction huh?"
I could hear the triumph in his voice and I almost whacked him in the head.
"Maybe."
He wiped the smile smug from his face, but I could still tell he was pleased by my admission.
"Well, we spent the last couple days apart...which really sucked by the way." He gave me a pointed look before continuing. "Are you any closer to figuring stuff out?"
"No," I conceded quietly, avoiding his gaze.
"You always used to say Leila...that we were at our best when we faced things together." I started to argue, but he waved a hand at me to stop. "I know that seems like a stretch after everything I put you through, but keeping things from you, not bein' honest, that's what got me in this mess in the first place. Not comin' to you six years ago and tellin' you everything...not tellin' ya how scared I was...it was the fuckin' stupidest mistake I've ever made Lei. Let's not keep making that same mistake...let me...let me help you. Let's help each other."
There was truth to his words, but I wasn't sold yet. "Can I trust you to be honest though Jamie and not just tell me what I wanna hear?" I asked carefully. "It's not like you aren't biased, and you have a lot riding on this."
He nodded and looked away for a moment. "Everything is ridin' on this," he muttered softly before turning back to me. "But I told you before Lei, even if you decide that you can never be with me again, I still"—he stopped again and swallowed hard—"I still wantcha to be happy, I still wanna be able to help you heal, somehow. And even if you can't get past what I've done...I'd still wanna find some way for you to be in my life...as my friend."
He smiled bleakly and squeezed his eyes shut as he turned away again. He wasn't quick enough though, and I caught the pain on his face. It hit me then how hard this was for him too. He may not be conflicted like I was, he knew he wanted us together, but the uncertainty of that future was weighing heavily on him, just like my fears were weighing on me.
"You're right Jamie," I whispered softly. "Every time things go south in our lives, it's when we turn away from each other. It's when we try and go it alone, making decisions that don't involve the other...every time it turned out bad." I let out a breath. "The problem though, is that I get sidetracked when I'm with you, I forget for a little while that there are things I need to be working through. I forget that I'm still so mad...and hurt."
His eyes darkened with sorrow. "I'm sorry about the other day Lei. I shoulda told you straight up about...you know..." He trailed off, his cheeks coloring with shame. "But I got sidetracked too, and honestly, the only thing I've been thinkin' about the last few days is how amazing it is bein' with you again."
We stared at each other for a moment.
"Damned if we do and damned if we don't," I muttered softly.
He gave a small smile at that as he smoothed a bit of hair from my face. "Yeah well, I'd rather be damned with you then without you."
I was so tired of fighting this. "Me too."
His face relaxed a little as he looked down at me. "So, we do this together then? Everything is open for conversation, we air out everything and"—his voice got quieter"—and we don't run away."
I nodded. "Ok, no more running."
He smiled in relief and I felt the pressure in my chest lessen. I didn't know if I was being stupid or smart, honestly, there didn't seem to be much of a difference between the two these days, but I knew what I had been doing wasn't working.
I got lost in thought momentarily. Coming back to the present, I looked up at James. He was watching me, his face completely unguarded, and I caught my breath at the open emotions I saw there.
Out of nowhere, my stomach let loose a rumble so loud, I was certain the people in the room next door heard it. My eyes widened in horror but James began laughing loudly, and I couldn't hold back my own laughter as I joined him.
"Come on Shorty"—he was trying to talk and laugh at the same time—"let's order some breakfast before that stomach of yers gets us kicked outta this hotel."
He pulled me up to sitting position before grabbing the phone off the nightstand and ordering, what sounded like, the entire room service breakfast menu.
Following him out to the living room of his suite, a wall of windows gave a stunning view of the Rocky Mountains in the distance and I wandered closer to get a better look. James came to stand next to me, but he wasn't looking at the view.
"Since it's a show day and I know it's only a matter of time before they come lookin' for both of us to take us to the stadium, we don't have time to talk right now." He cleared his throat nervously. "So I was thinkin', since we've got a few days off before the show in Oakland, maybe you could come back home to the Bay Area with me. We could spend time together, check out some of our old spots. Mostly I just want some uninterrupted time together so we can figure things out."
I caught off guard by his suggestion and blurted out the first thing that popped into my head. "Where would I stay?"
His lips twisted into a smile at my flustered reaction. "We'll get a hotel room, wherever you want."
"Won't you want to stay at your place?" I stopped abruptly as a painful thought came to mind. "Do...do you even have your own place or were you...were you living with...?"
My voice trailed off but he was shaking his head. "No, she never lived there, didn't even have a key." I raised an eyebrow questioningly and he blushed. "Not for the reason yer thinkin'. I didn't bring women there...it's just...I liked havin' my own space. Kristen spent some time there, but it was never our place together. She talked about buyin' something but I was draggin' my feet. I knew deep down that whatever place we got, it'd never really feel like mine."
I felt a sharp pang at the mention of his ex. "I know she was part of your life before, just like Erik was part of mine...but I hate hearing her name. I know it's petty"—I shrugged—"but there it is."
He smiled ruefully. "Yeah, I get it...trust me, I get it. I can't tell you how hard it was holdin' back from slamming my fist into that guy when we were in Boston...thinkin' about you with him..." He looked down, his face shadowed with grief.
I'd been so focused on my own pain, it hadn't really occurred to me that there were things in my past that were just as painful for him. I reached out and put a hand on his arm. "I...I'd like to see your home," I said softly.
He ducked his head shyly. "I'd like to show it to you."
There was a knock at the door and someone called out identifying themselves as room service.
James moved to go answer it but then stopped and turned back to me, his lips spreading into a sly smile. "This workin' things out together plan means that you and me are gonna need to spend a lot of time together. From now on Leila, yer stayin' with me. I'll be on the couch, in the tub, I don't give a shit...but I'm not sleeping another night baby without you close enough to hear ya breathin."
My resistance took another hit.
Jesus, he wasn't playing fair when he said things like that.