Still Wednesday, on my way home from Princess Lessons
I never thought I would say this but my grandmother rocks.
Not only had she canceled tomorrow's Princess Lessons because of an urgent appointment with her dermatologist – she even decided that lately I have been possessing a tendency to behave inappropriately during formal dinners and am therefore in a desperate need for a preaching. And since tomorrow she does not have time, the only available slot is Friday.
During Carnival.
Meaning I cannot go to the Carnival.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Not taking the hatred she has for Michael into consideration, Grandmere is actually quite cool.
Still Wednesday, 8 pm
I texted Tina to let her know I cannot make it to the Carnival. An hour later, she still hasn't replied.
Yes, panic time.
She must be thinking I am only looking for an excuse. No way she believes this is all Grandmere's fault.
NO WAY.
Still Wednesday, 9 pm
I wonder what she's planning now. Though I am not entirely sure if I even want to know. Maybe she and Lana will drug and kidnap me.
No. No, I am overreacting, like I always do. Tina would never do something like this.
Though ... she has read so many romance novels where kidnapping results in eternal love story. And she is just crazy enough to think it could happen in real life too.
OH MY GOD.
Still Wednesday, 9:30 pm
What is wrong with me? I have a French final in the morning. I don't have time to be freaking out! I need a good night sleep! What IS wrong with me? I have probably already failed Trigonometry; I can't afford to fail French too!
Especially since it is an official language of the country whose princess I am.
Still Wednesday, 10 pm
Louie just scratched me. Even my cat doesn't sense anymore when I am going through emotional crisis. Who am I supposed to turn to for emotional support now? I can't go to Mum; she is watching the new White Collar episode and she HATES being interrupted in the middle of it!
I am totally alone in this world. Totally; I never really realized till now. I have no one to turn to.
NO ONE.
I can't even call Michael because he is in his lab right now and he always turns off his cell when he's there.
So I guess I am back to freaking out in my room alone again.
How did I get into therapy again?
Still Wednesday, 10:30 pm
Hmmm ... what about Dr Knutz?
I mean, it's his job to listen to my freak outs. He gets paid for it.
He totally shouldn't complain if I call him at 11 pm.
Still Wednesday, 11 pm
I remember watching Monk as a kind and laughing every time he had a crisis and couldn't live without calling his shrink.
Now I am just as crazy as he was.
Really, can I sink any lower?
Still Wednesday, 11:15 pm
Dr K wasn't really happy when his phone started ringing in the middle of the final act of the opera he was watching with his wife. And he was even less pleased when I told him I am afraid my friend might try to drug and kidnap me tomorrow.
All he said was that he'd call me back.
And we are paying this guy?
Still Wednesday, 11:30 pm
I tried to remember some self-defense moves Lars had taught me but all I got out of it was sprained ankle and a broken lamp.
If Lana pulls out the bottle of her perfume and sprays it into my eyes, my already shaky aim will totally fall apart.
Meaning, I am getting drugged and kidnapped no matter what I do.
I should just accept my fate. Like I accepted the life imprisonment AKA being a princess.
Still Wednesday, 11:35 pm
Wait - I HAVE LARS! I am sure a bit of perfume wouldn't disarm him! I mean, he is a professional, right? RIGHT?
Seriously, why do I have to be this stupid?
Thursday, December 19, 6 am
A phone rang and without looking at who was calling, I started screaming into the speaker. I mean, who could possibly be calling if not Dr K? He said he would call plus, it was past midnight and why would anyone call this late? I mean late?
When will I realize this is me we are talking about?
"What took you so long? I am totally freaking out! You think Tina will try to kidnap me? Because I totally think so! I mean, she was really into the carnival and she found me all those dates and now I can't go because of Grandmere! I don't think she believes me, I think she thinks I lied because, I mean, I told her billion times I do not want to go! There's no way she's gonna believe me! I mean, I do want to go, I just don't want to go with anyone, you know? She will take it personally, won't she? Oh my god ... and Grandmere is totally spooky, she'll go on and on about her banker and his nephew. And I saw the amount of luggage she has prepared! She has so many bags, there's no way the plane will be able to take off with all of them! We'll totally crash! I will die! But I can't die? And I asked her if I could possibly fly back to New York for a few days, you know, since have never celebrated Christmas with Rocky yet, and do you know what she said to me? That as long as she lives, I will behave like a proper princess but after she dies, I can do whatever I want, disgrace the generations before me and destroy the family's reputation! DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MADE ME FEEL? OH, NO, IT WAS NOT EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL, NOT AT ALL! I mean, it is just not FAIR! Why do I keep suppressing myself just so that I am somewhat like a textbook princess? Why nobody lets me be both at the same time? I feel like all I do is making everyone else happy while ... I don't do anything for myself! I mean, yeah, I bought myself the new Mumford and Sons album but that's not my point. I never do what I want to do, you know? Like, if I want some chocolate cake at like 2 am, I can't just like go to the store and buy it. I have to call my bodyguard first. And I could never do that because I am too afraid of waking him up! And if I can't even get the cake, HOW CAN I EXPECT MYSELF TO GO AFTER THINGS I WANT AND ARE ACTUALLY IMPORTANT? I AM SUCH A FAILURE! I AM COMPLETELY UNASSERTIVE. Thank god Genovia is a democracy now; if I had to rule there, I would probably sign whatever out in front of me because I would be too afraid of saying no to people and hurting their feelings. Oh my god, I can't even say no to a friend, how could I say no to anyone else?"
"Trust me, Mia, you can say no when you want to. I know it all too well," Michael's voice laughed when I had to stop to take a breath.
Which, hello, was just another proof that I was out of my mind. I mean, my own therapist started talking in my boyfriend's voice.
Though I do think spending Christmas in a psychiatric ward would be way nicer than Christmas in Genovia. At least as long as Grandmere is still alive.
Do we even have psychiatric hospitals in New York? We must have, New York has everything. I need to look up the number of the closest one. Because I know I'll end up in one. I JUST KNOW.
"Dr K? What is wrong with your voice?" I said suspiciously.
"Mia, are you ok? It's me; why would your therapist call you after midnight?" Michael said and sounded somewhat worried.
And my blood suddenly lacked so many proteins that I had to sit down otherwise I would probably collapse and given my luck hit my head hard enough to get a blood clot for Christmas.
"Michael?" I said with a trembling voice.
"Yeah. What are you doing up? I thought I'd leave a message on your answering machine to wish you good luck for tomorrow; I never thought you'd pick up. Everything ok?"
Was this the same guy who listened to my rant for the past 10 minutes? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I mean, yeah, I left out the biggest problem of all simply because Dr K is completely unsympathetic about it (Mia, what did we say again? Do not obsess with things you cannot change; and you cannot spend this Christmas with Michael so just let it go – AND WE ARE PAYING THIS GUY? What kind of a therapist is he if he only makes my life more complicated?), but having a grandmother whose pathological need for extra luggage will kill you IS NOT OK!
You'd think that someone who supposedly loves you would understand this fear but noooo, not in Mialand!
"Mia ... are you still upset about you going to Genovia for Christmas?" Michael carefully asked.
Upset? STILL? Was I supposed to get over it?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
What could I possibly say back? Exactly, nothing, so I just kept my mouth shut.
"Mia, I hate spending Christmas away from you as much as you do. But think of all the Christmases we'll get to spend together in the future! What's this one Christmas comparing to all the future ones?"
Ok, I am seriously worried about my boyfriend. What has he been smoking in Japan? All the Christmases in the future? What, he thinks that this is the last Christmas my grandmother will insist that I spend in Genovia? Yeaaaaah, it is highly unlikely. I mean, she already said that as long as she's alive, I am spending Christmas holidays in Genovia.
Does Michael think he'll be invited to come with me? To the palace where Grandmere will be?
He must be high; why would anyone want to be in ten mile radius from my grandmother? Seriously! If I could, I would Fedex myself to Mars just so that we couldn't share the same planet! Besides, two years ago, when I somehow convinced Dad to let me invite Michael and Lilly to the palace, Grandmere didn't forgive me for dragging That Boy to Genovia for WEEKS! It was pure torture, learning all the names of Saudi royalty! Do you know how many Saudi Princes there are?
I mean, this is GRANDMERE we are talking about here. She HATES Michael. If she could, she would hire the world's leading scientists just so that they could invent a pesticide that would keep Michael away from Genovia.
Even if he'll make this robotic arm work, THERE IS NO WAY SHE WOULD TAKE A LIKING IN HIM! NO WAY! Why nobody understands this but me? This is not some rational human being – THIS IS GRANDMERE!
Yeah, of course I could be optimistic and hope that next year will finally be the year when all the Sidecars and Gitanes catch up with her but, hello, this is Grandmere. She would never just die and let her granddaughter be happy with her One True Love. Human body is capable of miracles in extreme situations and keeping the Genovian Princess from That Boy certainly is extreme situation for Grandmere.
And then they all say I am overreacting? I am totally rational. TOTALLY.
"Mia?" Michael said after I didn't respond again.
And, yeah, I do understand what they all mean with this whole 'maybe you are in distress now but things will get better and you will be happy eventually'. I mean, yeah, it is the truth; things cannot be bad forever, just like every storm ends and spring always sweeps snow for leaves but – what's the point of knowing this if you are in the middle of nowhere without an umbrella? If it's freezing and your heating system died? What's the point of thinking 'ah, screw this, things will get better' if you are hurting NOW? People are such hypocrites. We keep saying CARPE DIEM when things are cool and 'live for the upcoming sunny day' when things are bad.
HOW CAN I BE HAPPY FOR SOMETHING THAT HASN'T HAPPENED YET AND IT MIGHT NEVER HAPPEN AT ALL (if that fortune teller lady was right, of course! And if Grandmere becomes the first human to live forever – and honestly, she is capable of worse things so I wouldn't be surprised!).
Really. I have a French final in a few hours and I am upsetting myself. DO I WANT TO FAIL THIS EXAM OR WHAT?
"Mia ... whatever has upset you this much is not as bad as you think right now, I'm sure. Everything will work out fine, like it always has. Take a deep breath and lie down; don't you have an exam in the morning?"
Well thank you for reminding me I will fail French. There's no way I'll pass, not after THIS!
Hey – maybe Tina and Lana will kidnap me before the exam! Then I won't have to die of embarrassment when we get the results back!
"I can't just lie down and go to sleep!"
"Yes, you can. You can do everything you want to as long as you try," Michael said with conviction in his voice.
"You are putting way too much faith in me," I sighed.
"I am not. You are putting too little faith in yourself."
I know he is the smarter one here – I mean, he is in Japan developing the robotic arm that will change heart surgery while I am writing a love story for my Senior Project. But - hello? MY OWN CAT HATES ME – how can I have any faith in myself if my own cat started hating me?
"I have to live in my head, Michael. I know how screwed up everything in here is."
"Sometimes things look skewed up close. Trust me, Mia, you can do so much if you only try."
"You are just saying that because you love me. Though to be honest I am not entirely sure if I am worth all the trouble. I mean, this whole royalty business is messing up our lives and what do we get out of it?"
"As long as we have each other, that's enough for me."
"I'm just saying, without this whole royalty aspect, things would be so much simpler."
"Maybe ... but can't you see how much you can actually do as a princess?"
"I can't even convince the chef of Genovian palace to serve me a vegetarian meal, Michael."
"Mia ..." Michael said with a patient voice (sometimes I really don't understand why he bothers. I mean, in which galaxy would I even sound sane?), "I know it is annoying to have the world following you everywhere and pay attention to everything you're doing. But have you ever thought of what you could do with that?"
"I already am promoting Sebastiano, Michael," I said.
"You could do even more than that, Mia. Every time you go to some party dinner, everyone wants to take a picture of you or have you say a few words in a camera, right? Well, for example, you could say something about the humanitarian crises in Somalia. 90% of people watching wouldn't even hear what you said because they'd be too distracted by the dress you're wearing. Those 10% would hear and think, hmmm, what is she talking about? And they'd google it and read about the situation in Somalia. 9% of those people wouldn't do anything about it, for whatever reason, but that 1% would – whether they would donate to some charity or even go to Somalia to do some charity work. Whatever they did, they would make a difference – and it would be all because of you, Mia, you can change the world. All it takes is one sentence. Imagine what you could do with two or three sentences or the whole speech. Not only you have a will to make things better - you have the power, the resources to do so. Yeah, your personal freedom might be suffering at times but what about the freedom you can give to others?"
I knew he had a point; Michael is so smart, pretty much everything he says has some kind of a meaning, but at midnight and in a middle of a breakdown or whatever I was having, it is impossible for me to think rationally. The only thing that helps is chocolate cake which, unfortunately, cannot be found in a fridge.
And I don't dare to wake Lars up just because of my hormone imbalance.
"I don't think Grandmere will ever let me speak freely in front of the camera again, Michael; don't you remember the thing with traffic meters?"
I heard Michael sigh.
"I think it is high time you went to bed, Mia. Stop worrying so much; even if Tina gets upset about the whole carnival thing, I am sure Lars won't let her hurt you. Good luck tomorrow, ok?"
"I'll fail," I muttered as I lay down.
"Don't be silly; you speak French better than anyone I know."
"I am the only person you know that speaks French, Michael. I mean, besides my Dad and Grandmere."
"Well, yeah, but you make it sound sophisticated while your grandmother only sounds snobbish. Now go to sleep."
"I won't hang up, you know."
"Fine, then I will."
"No, you won't," I laughed.
And as he whispered that he loved me, it felt like he was right beside me. It was almost as if I could feel his arms wrapped around me. And suddenly, all the pressure disappeared and I felt – calm.
Apparently calm enough that I didn't wake up till now, still holding a phone in my hand.
I still don't understand how people could think he wasn't good enough for me.