Ripping off the bandage is never easy, especially if the bandage is filthy and dirty. The bandage is just a distraction from the rotting wound beneath . That's why talking about feelings are the worst, especially if you don't know how to express it.
I see Alessandro's dark blue eyes watching my movements, I wouldn't be surprised if he knew what I was thinking. He has the type of eyes that are just so piercing, you cannot look away.
'I don't know what you want me to say' I mumble, looking at my hands. We've been sitting here for an 30 minutes, an awkward silence between us. I don't think siblings are meant to behave like this, but then again, we are not normal siblings are we?
'Let's start at the beginning, take your time.' Alessandro instructs me, but I don't know where to begin. I've been fucked up since birth.
So I decide to just jump into the deep end, 'Mom had a boyfriend, his name was Ian. He started off as just her dealer but then I guess they realised they loved each other'
I couldn't help it, a snort of laughter came out of my mouth. A reflective smile crosses my face just like a flash like lightening , so beautiful but dangerous.
He turns his head, looking mildly confused yet annoyed 'What's funny Gabs?'
Still smiling, I shake my head 'Love. Mom didn't love anyone.'
He doesn't look at me with pity, Alessandro doesn't do pity. But there's a flicker of acknowledgement because its true. Mom didn't love any of us, we were just reminders of her marriage. Of her pain. a
I decide to carry on before he thinks I'm already more messed up, 'She was ok for a bit, after we left. I mean, she was still off her head but she was happier with out dad. But then she got pregnant.'
Mom was pregnant. I'd nearly forgotten that. The needles lying next to her pregnancy stick, the multivitamins taken with the vodka and the bruised bump.
That baby was wanted, and that was the problem. It was wanted because it was with Ian, not dad. She could look at it without seeing the blue eyes all of us inherited from dad.
That's got his attention, he can barley keep his anger stiffled. Thats how I know he didn't know, he's always so calm because hes 5 steps in front of everyone all the time. You try to mess with Alessandro, and you'll loose.
'Valentina was pregnant?' he composes himself, fiddling with the signet on his finger.
'SÍ. Ian's baby. But she couldn't even stay clean, so she lost it.'
And thats why it got so much worse, I want to add. I want to tell him I've never felt more sorry for her in that moment, lying on the floor trying to collect the blood from leaking out of her. Crying out for an ambulance, but what could they do? Tell her that if she could stay clean for just 9 months she wouldn't be in this position?
I think about saying that, but choose the simplified version 'Ian got so angry at her and thats when things turned violent.'
That was Ian's baby, he wanted that baby. He didn't want Xav and I, we were just strangers. But that baby, it was his flesh and Mom failed. We'd all failed to him.
The word violence is like a silent bomb, his eyes darting over my body as to see all the invisible bruises and beatings 'Did he ever hit you?' he asks as if he doesn't really want to know.
'Sometimes' I say.
Sometimes, one word can hold a million unsaid ones. Sometimes he hit me and I had to bunk off school for a couple of days to let the wounds. Sometimes he didn't hit me, and choose instead to direct his anger at Xavier who had bruised ribs and broken noses on more than one occasions. Sometimes, he didn't hurt either one and directed it on Mom. The bruised face, broken noses and ribs.
'Did he ever try to, you know.'
Ah, I wondered when he would get onto this.
I feel a familiar sense of embarrassment wash over me, 'No but he tried too. Xavier never left me alone.'
I can feel a sharp of pain in my chest. Xavier. My protector, my best friend.
And now he's going to hate me forever.
'And Xavier, I'm guessing him protecting you made it worse. Am I right?' he cocks his head to one side as if he's trying to figure this whole thing out.
'I don't want to talk about Xavier' I mumble.
He taps the table in slight annoyance 'I understand, but did Xavier go through similar things as you?'
I slowly nod my head up and down. If I speak, I'm afraid of what will come out.
'Lets talk about Ian. Whatever happened to him?'
'I don't know. Him and Mom broke up so many times it was hard to keep count. I think they were broken up again when Mom died.'
'So he's still alive?'
Confusement is laced in my voice 'I mean, I don't know. He could be dead of an overdose for all I know.'
Why would I keep tabs on that guy?
A sigh of relief leaves his mouth, and leaning back on his chair he looks at me directly 'Ok, that'll be all Gabriela.'
I feel an instant sense of ease wash over me, I did it. I spoke, actual words came out of my mouth. I mean, I didn't tell him how I felt or anything but I spoke about went on.
For the first time in a long time, I felt kinda proud of myself.
Yeah, that ease can't last forever right?
'You are grounded for a month, no electronics for a week.' he instructs me, back to his normal self.
'Wait No!' I protest.
'He presses on, ignoring my protest 'You swore at a teacher, caused upset in class and got yourself suspended for half a day. Be thankful its not more. In addition, I am going to suggest something to you Gabriela, and I would like to listen carefully. I would like you to go to therapy, Xavier as well but I'll discuss that privately with him later.'
'Therapy? I don't want other people to think I'm damaged.' I whisper, I've tried so hard to build this perfect image of me and now, they'll all look at me like a freak show.
He reaches over the table, and grabs my hands making me look at him. 'Gabriela, you're anything but damaged. You have survived for so long, and now you need to start living. Your feelings have been left untreated for too long. You deserve to heal.'
I just gaze at him holding my hands. He's comforting me, at least I think he is. It's been forever since someone's listened to my feelings, and told me their not irrational. I can't handle it though, so I just ask politely to go back to my room.
I sneak my way back to my bedroom. Throwing myself onto my bed, I sob. Alessandro officially thinks I'm fucked up, and by the time Xavier comes home - he'll think I'm fucked up as well. This is all my fault, everythings that gone wrong has me to blame.
It's only around 12, and school doesn't finish till 4. No electronics and grounded for 4 weeks, I'm already in hell. I wander around this empty house, Alessandro and Francisco are working and Matteo is probably in some girls bed. With nothing else too do, I decide to take a sleep. I didn't have much off that last night.
I wake up to the sound of screeching tires approaching. Still in my sleep daze, I push the curtains aside to see the usual sports car coming speeding down the driveway. I watch as Leonardo and Lorenzo bounce of the car, their usual excitement at coming home. Xavier looks worried, does he know what I've done? Of how I've betrayed him?
I can't go down and face him. I can't see his face look at me and then to Alessandro, who will promptly appear from the working area and usher him into a meeting.
I'm just a coward. A disgrace.
Instead, I choose to lie on this bed for what feels likes hours. Legs propped up against the wall. The windows wide open even though the wind is blowing everything over in my room. The sound of smashes representing this pain in my head. The twins pop their head around my door giving me the normal bullshit but what can they do? I'm already grounded for a month, no electronics for a week.
They can't do anything Xavier won't do.
I close my eyes, welcoming this almost trance like state. I wonder am I really here? Lying in this clean bed, with a silence blanketing me with peace? I think it is all a dream, because there is no violence but my head still feels like I'm dying.
My music becomes a similar pattern of thud-steps hit the floor, growing closer and closer to my room. I turn my head, watching the door vibrate and soon enough, the door flies open and theres Xavier.
Still in his school uniform, but for the first time in my life - he scares me. He reminds me off our brothers, radiating that power and intentsy that he previously never emitted.
'How dare you' he growls, stepping into my room whilst pointing his finger at me.
I rush to my feel 'Xav, I had no choice. You know I had no choice' I plea.
I feel the tears welling up in my eyes, I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't have Xavier.
He just shakes his head, looking suddenly exhausted all of a sudden 'Everyone has a choice Gabriela, and you've made yours and now I've made mine.'
He's made his choice? Before I even get a chance to question him he leaves my room.
'Xavier! You can't just say that and then leave' I cry as I run after him, only to be welcomed by a hostile door to the face.
I hear the lock click. He's never locked me out before, but this time we have a barrier between us, and I can't break it down.
After 10 minutes of pounding my fists on the door, I finally get a response.
'I have nothing to say to you Gabriela. Never speak to me again.' the voice behind the door tells me.
Just before I can open my mouth again, I get blindsided by someone behind me who catches my fists. I turn my face to see Matteo.
'Gabriela, you're already in trouble for your suspension. Don't make it worse for yourself by screaming the house down.'
'But he won't speak to me' I sob. I've never felt more vulnerable, and here I am. Crying because he won't speak to me.
I expect Matteo to roll his eyes or tell me to stop being so dramatic, but instead he lets go off his fists and circles me into a hug. I press my face into his shirt. I stay there for a couple of minuites before my embarrassment over takes me.
'I got your t-shirt all wet' I mutter, looking at the tear-stained imprint of my face.
'Yeah, no shit' he chuckles, holding my face in his hands.
I turn my face back to Xavier's door, but he catches my chin and turns it back to him.
'He needs his space Gabs, come and help make dinner with me.' he wraps his arm around my shoulder and tugs me down the stairs and into the kitchen.
I prop myself onto the counter, and given the task of grating cheese. I can tell that Matteo wants to ask me a million questions, but I'm guessing Alessandro told him to leave me alone.
We do our separate tasks in a peaceful silence for once, and I appreciate his presence.
About 30 minutes, Alessandro appears. Speaking to Matteo he informs him that 'Frankie and I are going out. We'll be back sometime tomorrow'
Matteo looks mildly confused looking from me back to him 'What now?'
Alessandro rests his gaze on me for just a moment before giving the blunt answer 'Yes'
That was weird.
'Where are they going' I ask once I hear the door close.
'None of your business' he sharply replies, turning his face away from me.
'I'm just wondering' I say out loud to myself 'You guys disappear all the time but tell me nothing'
'We tell you nothing because you're still a child who doesn't need to know'
'But -'
Cutting me off with 'No Gabriela', I get the hint I'm not going to find out anything so continue with cooking.
We finish off the cooking and eat with the twins, leaving Xavs in the microwave.
I just sit there and be quiet, I've done enough talking today so the twins fill us in on oh their so busy lives. I swear to god, if they go college, they're just going to go and party. Good job we've got the money to waste.
'Matt, we've got a game tomorrow' the twins begin 'You coming to watch?'
I don't understand their fascination with rugby, broken bones for fun?
'Sure, I've got nothing going on.' he replies.
I but into the conversation for the first time, 'Wait, what about me? You can't leave me in the house alone with Xavier tomorrow?'
The twins share a confused look with Matteo, ah so they don't know what's happened yet.
I expect some level of comfort, but instead I just get ridiculed 'You're 15, and he's 16. Do you need a nanny?'
'No' I huff, sitting back in my chair.
He looks at me, pasta twirled in the fork mid-air, 'Then both try and be alive when we come back.'
I just sigh, and think. I don't know what's going through Xavier's mind but I'm guessing it's not I love my sister.
I'm so going to die tomorrow.
XXXXX
What did you guys think? Valentina was pregnant and Ian may be still alive?
Also, where do you think Alessandro and Francisco were heading off to?
Next chapter, it's just Xavier and Gabriela. Lets hope their both still alive at the end of it!
💜As usual, please comment and press the little star! I don't think this was the best chapter, but the drama will all start soon!💜