Samantha
Mabilis akong napatayo nang makita ko na bumagsak yung ulo ni Terry sa counter ng mini bar. Saktong nasalo iyon ni Leigh bago pa ito mauntog.
"Hey, what happened?"
Tinanggal ko yung mga kamay ni Van na nakayakap sa akin at agad lumapit sa mga ito.
"I think she's drunk." Kaswal na sabi ni Leigh.
Napailing naman ako. Sinabi pa naman nito na hindi ito iinom. Tapos wala pang isang oras ay lasing na ito.
"How many drinks she had?"
"Four shots."
"Four?"
Tumango si Leigh bago inangat yung bottle ng brandy.
"What the fudge, Leigh! You should have asked me first if she's drinking or not." Hindi ko itinago yung bahagyang inis na nararamdaman ko.
Just by looking at Terry na nawalan na ng malay, lalo pa akong nairita. Both sa sarili ko dahil naiwan ko sya at kay Leigh na nilasing ito.
"I didn't know that she's not drinking." Leigh defend herself.
"You didn't know. But you offered her brandy? How about trying to mix her a light one first para malaman mo kung umiinom sya o hindi?"
"Hey, Samantha. Are you annoyed?" Tumatawang sabi ni Van na inangat yung hawak nitong bote ng alak na para bang nakikipagcheers pa bago uminom doon.
Hinawakan ko si Terry para macheck kung okay lang ito. She's fine I think. Mukhang nagpass out lang talaga ito dulot ng kalasingan.
Tumayo si Leigh sa stool. She's an inch shorter than me. Pero halos magkasingtangkad lang kami ngayon kasi nakaheels sya at nakaflat sneakers ako.
"Are you worried on her?"
"Of course! She's my betrothed."
"Not with that excuse, Sammie. We won't buy that. We know the real deal."
Masama pa din ang loob ko sa kanya. She should be the one supporting me. But she's acting like a child throwing tantrums. And she even get Terry drunk. Of course alam ni Leigh kung umiinom yung tao o hindi. She's used seeing people and she can judge people by just looking at them. She's a damn psychologist. She can tell when someone is comfortable or not.
"What's with that uncomfty outfit, Sam?"
She eyed my clothes. My uncommon clothes. Told you that I'm a dress and skirt type. Hindi ako umimik.
"Do you really think you'll fit in her world? Stop fooling yourself Sammie. We all know you can't."
Inis na sinamaan ko ng tingin si Leigh. Kayleigh and Van are my closest ally in the circle because of our family ties. If there's people who knew me well, sila iyon. Well, except Grant. Si Grant kasi para kaming may sariling dimensyon na para lang sa aming dalawa. I can freely share my secrets with her. Even the most painful and darkest one. Because I know hers.
"And who are you to tell me wherever I fit and wherever I'm not?"
Umangat ang kilay nito na halatang hindi makapaniwala na sumasagot ako ng ganoon. Dati kasi ay palalampasin ko lang sila. Because I'm a fuckin' passive friend. I hate arguments. I hate misunderstandings. Because I don't know how to deal with it.
Maging si Van ay tumayo din sa sofa. Bahagyang mabuway na din yung lakad nito. Buti na lang at nasalo ito ni Railey at ipinaupo ulit bago pa matumba.
"I'll do what I deem is right for me, Leigh. Thank you but I can deal with it."
"Is that so? Too bad I've already hit her insecurities, Sammie. Bulls eye."
Napakunot noo naman ako. Leigh is sweet and kind. I know that she'll not badmouth me nor she'll try to hurt other people intentionally. So bakit parang taliwas sa pagkakakilala ko sa kanya yung sinasabi nya ngayon?
"Are you really thinking that she's your betrothed? She's not even pretty. She don't even belong in a good family."
Hindi ako nagsalita. Ayoko makapagsabi ng bagay na makakasakit kay Leigh. She's still my best friend.
"Leigh, C'mon, loose some shits." Awat dito ni Hariette na tahimik lang na umiinom. "Let Sammie do what she wants. She's old enough to explore her sexuality."
"And get her indebted for a favor she got herself into just by helping us? No, thank you." Kalmadong sagot ni Kayleigh dito.
I took a deep breath. Maybe they got it all wrong. They got the idea that I was forced upon the family tradition matapos kong tulungan si Aria to get Corinne. But the truth is, no one is forcing me. My parents weren't even asking me yet If I managed to fulfill it or not. Maybe they haven't convinced my Grandpa yet. But they are keeping it in until some good news for me arises.
So ibig sabihin, I'm still free to do what I want. And I want to do it because I find it fascinating than staring with my plants and letting myself gulped with my usual self.
"You got it wrong, Leigh. I'm doing it because I want to. Terry isn't pretty if we look at it in your own vocabulary. But she's more than that. She had offered me something that no one has ever offered me. And I'm contented with that. She gave me a peace of mind."
Umiling si Leigh.
" She's trying to pull you in her world, Sam. You're too in love with the idea that someone has come to rescue you. You're too giddy into feeling the emotions you don't have. "
"Kasi I'm an Ace? You perceived me to be an asexual, Leigh. Lahat kayo. That's why I become one."
"No, Sammie. You became one because you cannot feel it. You repel the idea of being touched. You repel the idea of submitting yourself. You repel the idea of surrendering your perfect self to someone who wants to claim you."
Hindi ko napigilan yung pagrerebelde na nararamdaman ko ngayon. They're defining me again for an nth time na para bang isa akong kakaibang specie sa kanila.
"Then about the sparks? I've felt it with Terry. "
Tumawa si Leigh. Samantalang sina Van, Railey, at Hariette ay mga napailing lang.
We both know it. People are conductor of heat and electricity. Some people might feel it because they are a carrier of static energy which causes that friction to produce sparks when rubbed or touched to another.
To those who is not fond of the classic way of defining love, it meant nothing but science.
"Tell me Sammie what you feel for her. And let me tell you what kind of a syndrome you're feeling right now."
"Syndrome? Are you just assuming that I'm sick?"
"No. I'm just assuming you're too over your head again and you might hurt people unintentionally."
Ganoon ba ako? Pafall nga lang ba ako? Kaya ba maging sila na kapag hindi ko sinasadya na maagaw yung atensyon ng mga taong malapit sa kanila, nakakaramdam sila ng inis sa akin minsan? Am I at fault too?
"Leigh, please. Can you just let me with Terry alone? I don't want to be pushy or edgy pag dating sa kanya. I just want us to stay like this."
Masuyo kong hinaplos yung pisngi ng natutulog na si Terry.
"When I'm with her, I'm happy. I can laugh and smile for hours. I may not used into telling this to people, but I can be utterly honest with her. I can tell what's running on my mind without being judged. With her, I'm just a blank page. A blank page that doesn't define what kind of a people I am nor to what class I belong. In her eyes, I'm not that perfect. She can tell me that my neck is too long and even called me giraffe. Just because I'm too tall for her. She's calling me 'bruhilda' because I'm too pretty for her. Has anybody called me 'gago', 'baliw' and the likes? Because I really find it funny and entertaining. She's seeing me like I'm just a commoner. A peasant more than a princess. But she's treating me the way I deserved."
"Sammie.."
"I'm happy with her, Leigh. I can easily sleep beside her. Because I'm at peace. You know how I always find it hard to sleep at night."
Hinawakan ni Leigh yung kamay ko. Why is she being like that? Hindi naman sya dating ganyan nung dumating si Corinne sa amin. She welcomed Corinne as Aria's girlfriend without ifs and buts.
Bakit ngayon parang kailangan ko din patunayan sa kanila that I deserve the chance for this shot?
"Are you just admitting that you're already falling for her?"
Ganoon ba iyong dating ng sinabi ko? Parang sinabi ko lang naman na kontento ako at may peace pag kasama ko si Terry.
"I don't know."
"Do you already felt it?"
Marahan akong umiling. I see Terry as a perfect companion. But I don't feel anything more than that. If it's any sexual act, no. It hasn't cross my mind yet. I just want her. I mean I want her to stay by my side. Because she's unique. Just like all of my collections were. Ayun ba ang ikinatatakot ni Leigh? That I might hurt someone unintentionally just because I'm an Ace?
"You're still an Ace afterall." Malakas na sabi ni Van na para bang hindi ko pa din iyon narerealize hanggang ngayon.
Fudge! What's wrong with me?
Tiningnan ko si Terry. Do I feel anything? I felt the sparks. Hindi pa ba iyon yun? The kiss we've shared felt different too just because of the sparks.
"What will you do pag na-inlove sayo si Terry? Will she be another Corinne?"
Napatikom naman yung bibig ko kasabay ng pagdiin ng hawak ko doon sa kamay ni Leigh. She's not flinching na para bang hindi nito iyon nararamdaman.
"Si Van ang may problema dito di ba?" Tinangka kong ibahin yung usapan. But they just all eyed me seriously. Kahit si Van ay tila balewala na dito yung iniiyak nya kanina.
Mas interesante ba talaga yung buhay ko?
"Parang mas gugustuhin ko pa na layuan mo na lang si Terry, Sammie." Sabat ni Railey. "Kung magiging another Corinne lang din sya."
What's wrong with being like Corinne? Corinne is someone I want to grow old with because she can get along with my quirks.
She knows how to keep my things untouched o kung paano man iyon maibabalik sa dati. I have unique ways of arranging my things. Kaya kapag may nabago doon ay mapapansin ko. Sa aming lahat, si Van lang ang nakakapansin ng sequencing ko. Simple because she almost had a photographic memory. She can tell if it's exactly alike or not.
Corinne offers stability and balance.
What about Terry?
"Ain't this too early for that? Besides Terry won't fall for me. She's straight. She likes hercules."
"Hercules is gay." Komento ni Hariette na natatawa. "Does it mean she likes gay? Oh yeah, perfectly suit the role for you."
"Do I look like a guy to you, Hariette?"
Umiling si Hariette.
"But you look like a guy who perceives people that you're tough. Hercules hide beneath that visible muscles so as you were hiding in your sexual preference. Why don't you just try it?"
"And become a slut? Someone tainted just because I'm experimenting? No thanks."
"Hindi ba at iyon naman talaga ang purpose ng lahat?" Kalmadong counter ni Hariette. "Do you really think I, Grant, and Railey are just playing around?"
Silang tatlo kasi yung madalas magpapalit palit ng partner.
"You'll never know what it felt like, Sammie. Because you're too perfect. You're perfect because you're always on your comfort zone. You're just afraid to commit mistakes because you thought it won't fit your perfect image."
"And why do you think I took a shot with Corinne kung natatakot lang ako? Kung image ko lang yung mahalaga sa akin? I know I'll be losing with Aria but I still did it." Hindi ko mapigilan na maisumbat sa kanya. How dare her to judge me as if she knew me more than I know myself.
" Is that how you redeem yourself, Sam? C'mon, smell the coffee. We all know why you did that. You want to try at to what extent your perfection can lead you. You didn't take a shot with love. Ang ginawa mo, nagmagaling ka. Inunahan mo si Aria na gawin yung bagay na sya dapat ang gumawa. Ti—"
" Hariette, stop it. " awat dito ni Railey.
"Why? Are we still going to protect her? She's not a child, guys." Inis na sabi ni Hariette.
"Ang tingin nya kasi sa sarili nya she always have the solution. But the truth is she's good at saving someone's ass and make them indebted with her kindness. Is that how you really want people to stay, Sammie?!"
Hariette never calls me Sammie again. Not after the Kiel incident when I seduced Aria's boyfriend. Ngayon na lang ulit.
"We love you, Sammie." Hariette pointed out. "You don't have to beg for it. You don't have to bruised yourself or to do anything for us to love you. Save yourself too, will you? Mahal ka namin not because you're perfect nor you're nice. Show us your true self. Magalit ka din. Magwala ka. Mainis ka. Murahin mo din kami. We're not going to leave you. We'll stick to you like gum. "
Hindi ako nakaimik doon.
"That's why we're telling this to you, Sam. You tend to live with your perfect world. Masyado kang too good to be true. People fall for your perfection and not in the real you. We don't want you to have that kind of love."
Am I really like that? Ganoon lang din ba yung makukuha ko in the end.
Perfect painted love.
***