I've come to terms that I'm not a romantic person. But you've probably figured that out from the fact that I'm a really cold person. I'm just...I'm more thoughtful.
So you guys might not agree with a lot of what I say in this rant but I thought it'd be cool to talk about anyway. And maybe it'll inspire some twists or something that you guys can think of. So with that, we'll discuss: Things that Aren't Actually Romantic
I see tons of these romantic clichés everywhere and I just...felt like making a list and explaining why I don't think they're romantic.
1. Knowing everything about someone and using it to score a date.
Okay, this kind of sounds weird, but let me explain. You ever read those stories where the guy asks out the girl (even though they don't talk) and he does it by telling her all the little things she does that he notices?
Like "You wanna go get coffee with me, because I know you really like the pumpkin spice mocha lattes at Starbucks (is that a thing? I don't drink coffee...) and I think it's really cute how you always wear two different socks and you spend two hours trying to get your eyeliner right and it always looks perfect, and you play with your hair when you're nervous, and you always wear your red converse because you think they look cute with everything" and blah blah blah? Ever read that?
I don't find that romantic. I find it...creepy.
There's this guy in my apartment building that literally once asked me out for "some water". And when I called him out on the weird suggestion his answer was "Well, I noticed you don't drink coffee, and I'd ask you out for a beer, but you only ever go to bars with girlfriends and I'm assuming you don't go for dates, because I've never seen someone come back with you, and I've only seen the walk of shame once (what he saw wasn't a walk of shame in that sense. It was a "oh shit, I couldn't drive home, I crashed with a friend), so that was a no, and otherwise you only drink water. So I thought you'd like to get some water with me sometime".
My friends thought it was cute. I thought it was creepy. I'd never spoken to this guy other than the, casual "hey," when we bump into each other in the laundry room. How does he know this about me?
(Also, it apparently wasn't appropriate to ask him if he was the neighborhood watch or if he was just really into creeping on people. My friends were horrified when I told them that was my response instead of "oh my God, yes! You are too sweet!" Too bad. I did it anyway).
2. Texting/talking constantly/ can't spend more than five minutes away from each other.
I get tired when the characters are constantly thinking about each other or having to talk to each other or texting or calling or whatever the hell else. Don't these people have lives outside of each other?
I'll admit, I do text my best friend at least once a day just to say "what's up?" But it's not an all-day affair. My brother used to constantly text his girlfriend all day every day.
And I think that's rude. If I'm hanging out with my friends, I'm gonna hang out with my friends. I'm not going to pretend that my goddamn phone is more important than anything else. That's very rude and disrespectful. I hate people that are always on their phones. Assholes.
I also really had the cheesy texts. The "I love you so much, can't wait to see you again. You're the light of my life and the best thing that's ever happened to me, I don't know where I'd be without you. You're my everything." Whatever.
If people read my texts to my best friends, they would see a lot of "who's the bitch now" texts with some really mean/horrible jokes. That's about as romantic as we get.
3. PDA
This, I know is a me thing. I don't even hold hands with anyone in public. So, that's me.
But I don't like sucking face or that sort of thing. I don't like pet names (and no one understands that my best friend has called me "baby" since he was seven, because I'm younger than him and the "baby". It's a nickname, not a pet name.)
I don't like when characters do it either. I'd rather you be in love and show it some other way aside from constantly touching each other.
I have a bubble. I'm not a hugger. Don't ever touch my face unless you have permission. Don't play with my hair. Don't touch me. That's a me thing.
But can we have a little more action besides constant making out and sex? That would be fun.
4. Shower sex
People always say this is so romantic and I'm reading this scene more and more. Maybe it's just because I really like showering (and brushing my teeth, and doing laundry, and cleaning). Maybe it's because I have a bubble. But taking a shower with someone isn't fun. It's dangerous. And it defeats the purpose of showering.
Also, sometimes a girl needs to shave her legs and there usually isn't enough room for two people when you're trying to do some serious stretching. And soap in the eye is never fun. And neither is shampoo in the eye. I just don't get the appeal.
I get the appeal of sex then shower. Because that's fun.
But shower sex is not as fun as everyone tries to write it. (And sex on the beach is a horrible idea. Do you people not understand the science of sand? I would prefer to keep it on my feet and only my feet. (And for those infatuated with cowboys, hay. No.)
5. Food Fights
Who cleans that shit up? Seriously? How is throwing food at someone romantic?
I'll admit that I throw food at my best friend. But it's because I'm really good at pitching and he's freakishly good at catching things in his mouth. Once, I threw a piece of popcorn and he slid across a table to get it. That was the moment I realized he's waaay too competitive.
And once, right after I moved into my best friend's house, I spilled wine on the floor (because he was hassling me when I was cooking) and I felt so bad about it. So, he just poured a little more on the floor to make me feel better and at first I thought it was sweet. But now we have a rug in the kitchen because wine stains everything and I get annoyed that he poured wine out. Not cute anymore.
But how about donating that useless food to a homeless shelter or something. I've just never seen the romance in this, but it's in every book it seems. They're cooking in the kitchen and suddenly they're throwing food at each other. Then, wouldn't you know, this is just so romantic it's time to make out here on the counter. Let's have sex on the oven. That's not uncomfortable. (If this happened and someone got burned, I would really like to read that. Seriously. You write it, send me the link, and I'll read it).
6. "Bumping into" each other
And spilling things everywhere. Honestly, I've never run into someone and spilled papers everywhere (then bumped heads and giggled as we both tried to pick it up frantically). If I drop something, things usually stay together pretty well. And I hardly find romance in getting the shit embarrassed out of me.
I have had drinks spilled on me, though. And I guess nothing screams romance like "I can totally see your bra through your shirt". C'mon people.
If he spills coffee/wine/beer/water/whatever on your chest, he's probably not thinking a lot about anything other than the fact that it's on your chest. If he tries to help clean it up, he's touching your boobs, double bonus. Not always like that, but I'm willing to bet sometimes. (That would actually be a hilarious scene. Someone do that. Make him stammer because he's looking at boobs. "Sorry, did I get it on your boobs...BOOKS!? Did I get your books wet?"
7. Watching each other sleep
I never sleep (insomnia's a bitch, yo (I don't know what my current obsession with saying "yo" is, but it's not going away for some reason). But if I did sleep, I'd be pissed if people watched me.
How is this romantic? (Seriously. I'm pretty sure I'm missing a crucial part. Please explain (this isn't sarcasm I'm using. It's sincerity). I get the whole listening to someone breathe thing, but watching someone sleep seems weird to me.
(Fun fact, I talk in my sleep (when I sleep) and my brother's room was right across from mine when we were young and we slept with our doors open (and he talked in his sleep too), so my dad would wake up and we'd be having conversations in our sleep. It creeped him out so much).
8. The "You're the most beautiful/handsome person in the world" speech.
I always have to call bullshit on this one. Why do you want to be the most beautiful person in the world? That's so subjective and you know it's a lie. It's impossible to be the "most" anything.
One of my most favorite lines ever is from Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road". He says "You ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright." I love that so much.
It's literally saying, you're not a beauty queen, but I love you anyway. That's important. That's what I like.
I've never asked anyone if they thought I was pretty (other than my best friend, because he always says "to me" and I like that reality), because I know I'm not. I don't need to be. I like reality.
I like that it's about personality not looks.
That's why I hate the whole "you the most beautiful/handsome person in the world". Because who gives a shit. I wanna be smart, or funny, or clever, or personable. It would be nice if characters wanted the same thing.
And that's my list (off the top of my head). What do you guys think? Do you think this stuff is romantic? How do you think you could twist these clichés?
What do you think is romantic? Do you like the cheesy cliché so sweet my teeth hurt stuff? Or do you like other stuff?
Is there stuff I didn't mention that you think is romantic or isn't romantic at all.
Lemme know how you feel? I'm actually really interested in this!