Given all that has been going on in the US, I was hesitant to post this chapter. The last week has been heavy on my heart as I am trying to educate myself about the Black Lives Matter movement and how I can be a better ally as a WOC. In the end, I decided to post this chapter to offer some distraction to those who need to unplug from the current situation for a moment. Self-care is incredibly important during these times. And when you are ready, I encourage you to listen, learn, vote, and donate if you are able.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy it.
***
Most nights of this trip were spent thinking about Shayne instead of sleeping. I tossed and turned in the bottom of my bunk, struggling to wrap my head around what I had realized.
I loved him. Like, a lot.
Love was such a strong word. Fear crept into my mind almost immediately. Telling someone you love them when you haven't even started dating was way off-base. He would probably think I was crazy. To be fair, I definitely felt crazy.
But Olivia's voice remained persistent in the back of my mind. I was scared - hell, I was terrified of losing him. The only way to move forward was to take a leap of faith. Not for him - for me.
Heavy thoughts of what to say and when to say it clouded my mind throughout the night and into the next morning. I barely had enough energy to memorize my belly flop monologue for our final competition. It was a risky plan, but I needed to pull out all the stops if Mushroom Clout was going to win the last challenge.
My body woke up, falling in line with the familiar routine. The morning was lonely without Olivia. I groggily packed my swim gear and headed for the van, where the cast gradually gathered and drove to a local pool at a community center. The production crew had already gone to set up the shoot ahead of time, but I had yet to see what the decorations were.
To say I was awestruck would be an understatement. The fence surrounding the pool was covered with mesh webbing and tattered camouflaged fabric. There were random props strewn across the deck - everything from prop limbs to shrubbery and even some furniture. Best of all was the pool, dyed a bright red. It looked like someone had thrown up fruit punch Kool-Aid all over the place (turns out, it was Kool-Aid after all).
I hadn't gotten the chance to speak with Shayne since last night, apart from a sleepy "good morning" at breakfast. Every time I got near him, my heart rate soared. Gathering the courage to tell him how I felt became more difficult with every passing minute. He needed to know. I just didn't know what to say. Or how to say it. Or when.
Basically, I was helpless.
The Belly Flop Competition seemed to be the perfect distraction. Being surrounded by the cast with no privacy ensured that I wouldn't do something stupid beforehand. It was foolproof. As cowardly as it was, I wasn't past using literal human shields. At least temporarily.
Upon arrival, the girls sectioned off into the locker rooms to change into our swim gear. Since Olivia had left for her Europe trip, it was just Mari, Kimmy, and me. The bottle green lockers lined the walls, paired with wooden benches and questionable shower stalls on the sides. It looked like my high school rec center.
"So, Kimmy," Mari grinned as she pulled out her lime-green two-piece, "I saw you and Damien cooking up a storm last night."
A tomato red blush swept Kimmy's tanned cheeks. "I was just bummed from paintball yesterday, so he offered to make cupcakes with me since he knows I love baking." She began to throw on her own pink swimsuit, trying to play off her excitement casually.
"What a sweetheart," I smiled.
"Hmmm..." Mari delicately tapped her index finger onto her temple, pretending to think. A knowing smile graced her features as she waggled her eyebrows suggestively. Clearly, Mari thought something was up between the two brunettes.
I was curious to hear how Kimmy would respond to Mari's hinting. Only a few days ago, Kimmy approached me about getting to know Shayne. But yesterday, Damien's eyes told me a different story. The way he looked at her during paintball was... well, it definitely wasn't platonic.
"Oh, I don't know," Kimmy mused. Her blushed deepened.
"Is there love in the air?" I teased.
She sighed with a shy smile, sitting on the locker bench. "It's just the craziest thing. I honestly thought I had feelings for Shayne earlier this week-"
"Oh, really?" a startled Mari responded. She sounded shocked, if not a bit wary. Her eyes flickered to me briefly to survey my reaction.
Does she know something? No, there was no way. Right? I shook my head at the thought.
Kimmy nodded. "But as I got to know him, I realized it was more platonic. Plus, he wasn't exactly interested," she laughed lightly.
"He wasn't?" I couldn't help but ask. It felt like my world had stopped. My heart weighed less by the second. I guess he wasn't flirting with Kimmy after all.
She shook her head with a small smile. "We actually talked about it after Netflix and Chill. Super healthy conversation, no hard feelings. But he hinted that Damien might be more open to getting to know me like that, so here we are. One day at a time."
"I'm really happy for you, Kimmy," I grinned.
I hadn't felt this much relief since Ian told me that Mythical was saving Smosh after the infamous Defy shutdown. There was no vested future between Shayne and Kimmy. I actually had a shot.
On the other hand, if Shayne could so easily reject Kimmy, who's to say he wouldn't do the same thing to me?
Mari, ever-observant, noticed me fidgeting with my swimsuit. "Something on your mind?" she asked.
A deep sigh escaped my lips as I finished changing. "I'm just curious why Shayne hadn't mentioned any of this to me. We're supposed to be best friends," I frowned.
Mari and Kimmy offered sympathetic looks in my direction, a knowing look passing between them. I didn't understand.
"Maybe he didn't think it was that big of a deal," Kimmy offered. "He's got tunnel vision, anyway."
If the floor could swallow me whole, now would have been the perfect time. Kimmy was suggesting that Shayne was in love with someone, something he hadn't mentioned to me ever. Shayne used to tell me about every fling and date. We would spend hours on my couch making fun of his idiotic moves over two large pizzas. Back then, there were no secrets. So why now?
I tried to keep my voice as even as possible. "He is?" I faltered. Hot tears began to well in my eyes. What the fuck is wrong with me? I blinked furiously, trying to remain calm.
Kimmy's eyes widened as she realized the damage she had done. "Oh, Court, I shouldn't have said that. I'm guessing that he is. I don't know anything."
Sensing the tension in the air, Mari diffused the situation. "Hey, it's getting late. Maybe we should head outside?" she offered. Understanding my discomfort, Mari immediately wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
I nodded feebly, following Mari's dark-haired figure out to the pool deck.
The boys were already outside, all standing by the edge of the water. Their impatience was riddled with cracking jokes and asking Sarah if the crew was ready (repeatedly, I might add).
"For the last time, give me a minute!" Sarah snapped mockingly.
It seemed normal. As if my heart and my mind weren't on fire from Kimmy's comment and my whirlwind emotions.
I took my assigned place next to Shayne, trying to keep my heartbeat even. It still pounded because of his proximity. I stared outward toward the camera cue wordlessly. I wanted to call him out. But would now be a good time? We were just about to get our first cue when curiosity got the best of me.
"So, you're in love with someone, huh?" I tried to tease. The joke felt awkward coming from me, tasting like metal in my mouth. I wanted to scream my confession to him just to get it over with, but there was no way I ever would. It definitely wouldn't land well.
Shayne paled almost immediately. Maybe he didn't want to say anything to me. I shouldn't have pushed like that. We had trust between us. There was probably a reason why he didn't say anything, and I was just being a jerk. Before he had a chance to gather his thoughts, I interrupted him again, apologetically.
"Listen, S, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just wish I knew. I want you to be happy," I explained, plastering a smile towards the camera.
I wouldn't dare to look him in the eyes. It would hurt too much.
As much as it pained to say, my love for him was deeper than a crush. I meant what I said. His happiness was my priority. And if someone else could give that to him, so be it. I had already made up my mind to tell him how I felt. But now, more than ever, it was going to be about pushing myself out of my comfort zone. About being honest. About letting go at the right time.
"All right, guys..." Sarah began to countdown to filming.
"Let's talk about this after," Shayne's voice softened. I could hear the discomfort in his voice but brushed it aside. Now wasn't the time. I had to focus on the competition, and he did too.
Before I could affirm, Sarah's voice echoed across the deck. "Three, two, one - action!"
"Smosh Summer Games: Apocalypse!" we all yelled into the open air.
"Welcome to the next game!" Matt announced to the camera. "Now, it wouldn't be Summer Games if we didn't do a belly flop competition."
"Not one year we can skip it?" pipped Joven curiously.
"Nope, not skipping it," retorted Matt.
"Belly flop, so excited to judge it-" Trash Panda began to add.
Joe Bereta immediately burst onto the scene with a scraggy growl, tumbled over his legs, and maneuvering unusually. He pushed Ryan into the pool and then made his way over to our corner, waving his arms around like an animal.
After a beat, he paused to read a piece of paper, abandoning his character. "If you're the owner of an 1894 rust brown El Camino with monster truck tires and grappling hooks, you're being towed," he added monotonously. He returned to growling a moment later, grabbing onto Damien's shoulders with enthusiasm.
"Joe Bereta is back!" announced Matt with loud applause.
He continued with a familiar explanation of the belly flop rules. They were the same as last year - points, style, and flop would be graded on a scale of 1 to 10. I zoned out for the rest of his explanation, only to snap back into reality as Shayne was announced to go first.
I had always been impressed with Shayne's acting skills. Though he was clearly nervous moments earlier, there was no sign of discomfort now. Shayne could turn off his emotions like a light switch. Whenever he snapped into 'actor mode,' he had this unreal level of focus.
The only tell was the nervous gaze he would sneakily shoot my way when the others weren't paying attention.
"I don't really have anything... all right, I'll try," he said meekly, rubbing his hands together with false anxiety.
Another foolproof thing I knew about Shayne - when it came to competitions, he never purposefully throw it away. There was something up his sleeve. I just didn't know what it was.
"That's the confidence I like to see," joked Joven. Shayne walked toward the deck, taking his place in front of the judges. He stood with a cowering figure.
"Okay, the first one up is going to be Mr. Shayne Topp," announced Sarah.
Sarah, Matt, and Joe quickly took turns explaining the categories and scoring. I placed my hands on my hips impatiently, analyzing Shayne. His emotions were buried so deeply that I could barely tell he was uncomfortable earlier.
"Take off your shirt," demanded Joe with a grin.
"Okay," Shayne said, squinting towards the pool. He grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and cast it aside, immediately greeted by various wolf-whistles and my ogling eyes.
I hadn't seen him shirtless in awhile. A perfect set of sculpted abs lined his stomach, trailing down into an even more desirable V. I gulped. What I wouldn't give to drag my nails across his figure. "Wow! He has two nipples!" I cheered, trying to cover my stare with comedy.
"He's cosplaying as me," Joe added with a false whisper.
"I didn't have time to prepare - I usually have time... sorry," he muttered with squinted eyes.
"It killed the dinosaurs, and now it's coming back to kill all of us... it's the splash-teriod!" He took a strong stance on the pool deck, feet slightly apart.
The muffled sound of uncomfortable chuckles echoed across the pool. Scattered applause followed. With very little tact, Shayne's defined body catapulted into the water, angling in towards the opaque red. As he climbed out of the pool, bright red splotches appeared on his chest.
As predicted, the judges weren't too forgiving with his scores.
Clearly disappointed, Joe said, "Um - hot start, Shayne. I thought your meekness was a bit, which it wasn't. I'm gonna give you a three just because you are freshly shaved."
Sarah continued the chain of disappointing scores. "Okay while I liked the torpedo shape you maneuvered your body in. You were definitely head first, and not stomach first, so I'm going to give you a four."
"Okay, that's good," Shayne smiled, applauding along. His eyes were veiled, arising further suspicion. He obviously had gotten better scores in the past. Why was he settling for less?
Joven feebly attempted to argue for a better score on his behalf, but it was to no avail.
"Matt Raub," Shayne smiled, pointing his index figure toward him jovially.
"You were the chosen one! Last year was so good! What happened? There was the "splash-teroid," there was no confidence. You whipped, man. You whipped. I'm giving you a one," Matt cried out with disappointment.
The crowd echoed with horror. Shayne, the resident "athletic one," had lost horribly.
"You should feel bad!" Matt added.
With that, Shayne was awarded 8 for Toxicitea. It was a truly awful score, but I couldn't help but suspect another thing coming. Shayne was competitive, and he didn't seem bothered by his score. It just didn't add up.
The next few turns went by with a blur. Keith and Joven did well, following by Damien's less impressive score. Mari obviously nailed her turn. Then, Noah, Ian, Kimmy, and Wes followed. Scores were scattered across the way, but I had a sneaking suspicion that Mushroom Clout would lose if I didn't hit my turn perfectly.
With a gentle nudge from Mari to my left, it was finally my turn. The nerves of my flop plan caused my body to buzz with excitement. It was risky, dangerous, and reckless. And I couldn't wait to try it.
Breathe, I reminded myself. Steady strides guided me to the deck.
"Hey, gang? Can you give me a beat?" I called out with enthusiasm.
After a few moments of confusion, the cast erupted into a very poorly timed beatboxing rhythm, complete with random claps and cheers. I danced in a haphazard manner, flailing my arms and stepping side to side.
"Sorry, I just wanted to dance," I laughed, eliciting grins from the cast. Fake-out: check.
"Before I jump into this Deadpool, I should probably address the bruises all over my legs from paintball all day. Y'know, it's fine, because you know what the say..." I began.
I motioned for Lasercorn to come over towards me. With quick steps, he met me on the pool deck.
"What do they say?" pipped Ian.
Lasercorn squatted before me, and I hoisted one leg over his shoulder. With urgency, I swung the other leg, wavering as he struggled to gain balance with my body weight on top of him. He picked me up, standing straighter as I tried to secure my balance.
There were murmurs of "oh no" and concern raising from the opposite deck. I knew the flop was reckless, but I had to commit. Lasercorn crept toward the pool edge, angling my figure towards the body of water for the release.
"You know what they say?! Art is PAINT!" I called out heroically. I pushed the palms of my feet into Lasercorn's hands, extended my fall into the pool. With outstretched arms and legs, my stomach smacked the water with a satisfying CRACK!
"OOOOHHH!" I heard from underwater, my body submerged. Quick paddles toward the surface assured them that I was okay.
Echoes of astonishment boomed. I could clearly make out scattered applause as I swam towards the ladder.
"That was close. That was WAY too close," Shayne added loudly. With a sheepish smile, I climbed onto the deck again, awaiting my scores.
My eyes involuntarily flickered to Shayne, who continued to applaud, shaking his head with an "I can't believe you actually did it" kind of look. Regardless, a smile quirked the corners of his mouth.
The expressions from the rest of the cast were absolutely priceless. Their eyes ogled with fear and amazement, something that I had rarely seen from all of them at the same time.
Joe was the first to assess me. "Style-wise: the dance psych-out at the beginning was great. It further proved that Smosh has never been able to have rhythm or be able to beatbox," he chuckled. "That was incredible. I was legitimately scared, still kind of am. I have to give you 10."
My jaw-dropped. A fucking ten. I was hoping for an 8, to be honest. My fists curled with excitement as I pivoted towards Sarah, who spoke next.
"Now, that was frightening. That was extremely scary. You guys were wobbly, you weren't stable-" she began.
"Yeah, it's a little slippery," I confessed in a cringe-worthy tone.
Sarah continued. "You were walking very slow to the edge. I was having flashes of many viral videos of pain..."
"Yeah, you were on top of past-his-prime Lasercorn," added Joe.
His comment elicited hearty laughter from the group. I extended my arms in exasperation. "That's the biggest player on my team!"
"I'm gonna be honest, I did not know how that was going to go. But somehow, you maneuvered time and space to land perfectly flat on the water. I'm giving you a 10!" she finished proudly.
My heart soared as I double down, curling my fists with excitement again. I had never had a perfect score during this competition. Maybe this would be it.
"I was worried about the beats. I was worried you were going to attempt to rap. Let's never do that again. Just as a brand - don't rap anymore. You turned your bruises and pain into puns - you worked Deadpool in, "art is paint" like the paintball welts on your body... I'm giving you a 10!"
Yes! Yes! Yes! I jumped into the air a few times, my heart bursting with adrenaline. Hell, if I could get a perfect score during this competition, I could definitely talk about how I felt. My eyes landed on Shayne, who was clapping with proud eyes, smiling in a way that made me melt inside.
Before I could celebrate with the team, Shayne cut me off.
"I wanna go again. I need to redeem myself, I think I know what I'm going to do," he said to the judges.
Joe and Sarah pretended converse, eventually agreeing to his request. He then winked at me in passing. A slight warmth washing over my body because of the fact that he was shirtless and winking at the same time (not fair). He carried a plastic chair to the pool's edge before disappearing behind the locker room.
Where the heck did he go? My eyes searched the opposing deck as curious whispers wondered the same thing. Joe added his own bit about Shayne leaving the games, eliciting more laughter.
And then I saw it. The edge of a familiar head of bright blond hair, a wig I had known all too well. His eyes flashed across the deck, lingering on my own for a moment longer with a playful twinkle in his eye.
"Oh my god!" I mocked surprise. It all made sense. His fakeout at the beginning of the competition was a set up for CFM, a fan favorite.
"AHHHHH!" he screamed, throwing in both a prop foot and the plastic chair into the water. His chest was now covered in my own yellow bikini top. I hadn't even realized that he stole it from my room.
He stalked the pool deck menacingly. "That's right, it's me! Courtney Fucking Miller! Apocalyptic royalty, radioactive Chernobyl-ity. And I'm looking at you, Lazy Cum," he stopped, pointing at Lasercorn.
Bellowing laughter erupted from the group. Holy shit, that was good. Shayne really killed it on that roast. Lasercorn, in the most predictable way, responded the best way he knew how. He lifted his shirt, revealing "The Steak" printed on his stomach in black marker.
"This is the beginning of our dreadful revelation-ship. After today, your winning streak is going extinct. Toxicitea is taking home the Smosh Summer Games catastrophe!"
"Ooooh," roared the crowd in response.
"It's time to go into my own period," he declared, lining up to get a running start. With that, he sprinted to the pool, jumped into the air with extreme height. His blond wig was cast into the sky as he collapsed onto the water.
As Shayne resurfaced in the pool, he continued the joke. "Why am I wearing this?" he panicked, shrugged my bathing top off. "What is this? What happened?" After a brief struggle, he threw the swim top aside.
"I mean, look, it was perfect. It was great, there was a curveball - the wig popped off at the end which was great. Everything you said about Lasercorn was true because he only has one kid, so..." began Joe, who could barely stop laughing.
"One and done, baby!" called out Lasercorn.
"Shayne, you get a 10, man," concluded Joe. Shayne merely applauded politely. Satisfaction glimmered over his eyes. There's the competitive guy I know.
"Courtney Freakin' Miller really put us through a whirlwind. That was very intense, I was happy, I was a little angry and pumped up with her, and I was very turned on... but the flop was amazing. The wig was snatched mid-air, she hit right flat, and we got a lot of splash. I'm going to give you a 10!" Sarah said.
"I, in my history as a referee, have never seen the quality of puns that came out of that performance. I will never call Lasercorn anything but Lazy Cum for the rest of my life. You can go to Smosh.Store to get your Lazy Cum t-shirts now," Matt added, pivoting to camera briefly.
"I want a cut!" demanded Lasercorn with a grin.
"It's unprecedented... For the number of puns that Courtney Freakin' Miller gave, I have to give you an unprecedented score. I'm giving you an 11," Matt said.
The crowd, enamored with shock, cheered for Shayne. Of course, he would beat my already perfect score. This boy could do no wrong. I wanted to be mad at him for topping my execution, but he really deserved it. This would be a legendary moment in Smosh history for years to come.
Shayne captured his wig again, demonstrating the return of CFM. "AHHHH YEAH! 31! That's the number of people I've killed during sex," he said. With a final yell from CFM, Lasercorn was last to take the stage.
I couldn't pay too much attention to Lasercorn's turn because my mind wandered. Now that we were practically done with the competition, I had nowhere to hide. Shayne wanted to tell me about my brief confrontation before the shoot. But I didn't know if I could stomach him telling me about another girl. It would hurt too much.
After the competition, our group planned to break for lunch before filming the award ceremony. This would give Sarah, Matt, Ryan, and Joe some time to figure out the winners. It was a toss-up to see who would win the Belly Flop competition and therefore would win the games. Mushroom Clout could still take home the trophy.
Matt took center stage to reveal our Belly Flop team scores.
"These might be the highest scores that we have given. I mean, we gave a 31 out of 30. It's insane, but not as insane as Courtney Freakin' Miller. So with that, starting with Toxicitea, you guys managed to get 133 points total. And Mushroom Clout, sad to say, you guys have 136 points!"
The jaws of our entire team dropped as we began cheering, jumping, and yelling. Hell yes, I thought. Let's go, baby! With several "the steak" cheers, someone reminded us that it was a tie game.
We would need to wait until after lunch to hear how the overall winner would be determined.
Shayne interrupted my train of thought as soon as someone off-camera yelled "cut!"
"Can we talk?" Shayne asked in a hushed voice. His tone was alarming – strict, tight, and completely out of character.
His large, calloused hand enveloped my own as he pulled me towards the pool exit. We left the remaining cast members and camera crew behind, turning the corner so they were out of sight. Their cheerful screams, still ever-present, could be heard through the thinly veiled fences around the pool.
We paused, Shayne giving my hand a squeeze before releasing it. He turned to face me with serious eyes.
"I didn't plan this far ahead," confessed Shayne. "I thought I kind of would figure it out as I go."
What did he want to say? If this was about his mystery girl, I really didn't want to hear it.
"Olivia and I talked right before she left," he began, searching for any hint of emotion on my face.
Shit. What did she say? My mind immediately went to panic mode. The worst-case scenario was that she mentioned something about my feelings to him, though I couldn't imagine her doing that to me purposefully. But what if it was accidental? My heart started to pound. I had to justify whatever was said before things got even more uncomfortable.
"Listen, before you say anything – I can explain," I started.
And the words just tumbled out.