"Thank you," Aaron whispered into Miles' hair.
Miles pulled himself just far enough away to keep his hands on Aaron's arms and to move his head to face Aaron's once the blond had lifted it. Miles was close enough to see his own reflection in Aaron's eyes. "What for?"
"For being such an asshole," answered Aaron, "and always making me laugh."
They both laughed. Aaron laughed through tears and Miles laughed for the first time properly in weeks. "Take your English accent and go call somebody else names," Miles scoffed, swatting Aaron's arm gently with the back of his hand.
Aaron sounded teasing. "What's wrong with my accent?"
"Everything." Nothing. Miles liked Aaron's accent.
"Ah," said Aaron. He knew Miles was lying.
Aaron sniffled and finally pulled fully away from Miles, letting his hands drop back down by his sides. "Anyway."
Smiles weren't meant to be allowed. Miles wasn't meant to smile while Aaron was crying or while Ty was lying dead in a store or while his body felt weak and sore all over. But the ghost of a smile played on his lips anyway, dangerous and rogue. Not meant to be there. "Anyway," he agreed. No matter how there was joy plastered on his face for the first time in a while, Miles was also feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with new thoughts and renewed thoughts. His own problems and Aaron's problems. With sadness and anger even though he concealed it with that small spark of happiness that came from being so close to Aaron, who's presence never ceased to be comforting and warm. Even now, when Aaron was a mess of puffy eyes and tears and sweaty hair, he radiated energy that Miles could never hope to experience on his own.
To put it simply, Aaron had a way of expressing his emotions that set them down on others, too. Normally that was happiness - today it was sadness. But Miles didn't mind.
It was about fucking time somebody cheered Aaron up instead of the other way around.
Miles could put his writhing emotions on hold for a little while and suffer through them on his own later on. Seeing as he was already upset, he might as well lift some of Aaron's load too and try to cheer the boy up.
Miles rubbed Aaron's arm reassuringly. It just felt like he was meant to do it, even though really, it wasn't the sort of thing he'd have ever done any other time.
Miles thought that maybe the conversation was over; that Aaron's smile meant whatever had been troubling him was gone now. But then Aaron sobbed again, all humour drained from his face. He sank to the floor and Miles went down with him. Neither of them needed to say anything; Aaron would cry, and Miles would sit here with him while he did.
Miles' eyes stung, but he didn't let himself cry too. This wasn't about him.
When Aaron fumbled for it, Miles let Aaron take his hand. Aaron's palms were clammy and warm. All of his usual grace disappeared when he cried; his flouncy hair seemed to flop and his blue eyes drained of colour, becoming the grey of gloomy storm clouds. His pretty face became a torn mess of tears and his forehead wrinkled and his cheeks dimpled - like they did when he smiled but under such different circumstances.
Miles had nothing to do but watch Aaron and hold his hand.
A deep breath shuddered through Aaron's body. "Miles," he whispered.
"Yes?"
"I'm scared."
"Me too."
Another sob. "I've never done anything like this in my life. I've never been without my family for so long. I've never - I've never held a boy's hand in a library and complained to him before."
"It's fine to be scared," Miles said firmly. He hoped it was true, because he knew himself that he was scared shitless. "Except about holding my hand. Don't be scared about that. I like holding your hand." The way Miles said it made it sound like he exclusively liked holding Aaron's hand, but that was only partially the case. Miles liked holding anybody's hand; the amount of affection he had denied in his life just so that he could keep up his facade as the toughest and the bravest felt suddenly absurd.
And knowing that he'd never have Ty's fingers laced through his own was a fact that sent his head spinning.
So he appreciated Aaron's hand instead. Even if it wasn't as rough as Ty's hand or as big as Ty's hand or as tight as Ty's hand.
Aaron took Miles' other hand, too. Then he leaned in, and for a fleeting moment, Miles thought that maybe Aaron was going to kiss him. It was a thought he didn't want to have - there was no reason Aaron would kiss him. And no reason he'd want Aaron to. Aaron's face lingered a few inches from Miles'. Was he thinking the same thing that Miles was thinking? Miles simultaneously hoped that he was and wasn't.
Aaron held himself there for another second, though it felt like minutes more. Then he just sniffled and rested his forehead on Miles' shoulder, right against his neck. Miles could feel Aaron's wispy hair tickling his cheek and he allowed himself to incline his head gently against Aaron's, closing his eyes.
He opened his eyes almost a second after he'd closed them. It was too dark behind there.
"We're all going to be fine," Miles said to Aaron, and he said it forcefully so that he himself believed it too. "We're going to save the world," he added as he frantically blinked back tears. He hadn't realised how emotional a person he was until he allowed himself to be - fifteen years of pretending he would never cry and fifteen years refusing to accept any kind of affection like he was receiving right now had almost led him to believe that he was incapable of those things.
With allowing himself to experience the relief, though, he also had to let loose everything else he'd been bottling up. It was an unpleasant feeling to suddenly be reunited with all of the feelings he'd experienced when events had first occurred; things he'd been trying to forget. Most of which had happene in the time period since this whole chaotic virus had started. The apocalypse. The end of the world. Whatever the hell it was, it was tearing Miles apart from the inside out.
"You'll be fine," Aaron said. "You'll be fine, Miles, because you're perfect for this. You're smart and brave and bloody cruel when you want to be." Miles supposed that Aaron was intentionally forgetting the several times he'd seen Miles cry so far. The several times he'd seen Miles completely break down.
The exterior that Miles had built up for fifteen years had started to crumble at the beginning of this apocalypse, and with every day that passed, another brick from the wall guarding his emotions fell. Today, hundreds of bricks had fallen at once.
"You don't know me, Aaron," whispered Miles, "if you say things like that."
"I do know you." Aaron lifted his head and his eyes met Miles. "I do know you. I've spent weeks with you and normally it's impossible for me to find a friend in somebody so fast. But I've lived with you for all that time and I've listened to your stupid complaints and your nerdy rants about technology and I've healed your too-many wounds."
"Then you'll know," said Miles very quietly, "that I'm no more suited for this than you are. None of us were made to put the world back together after watching it fall apart, Aaron, but here we are."
Here we are. Living out days upon days searching for something we'll never find. What are we even searching for? Solutions? Something tangible? Impossible to say.
Aaron's tears were starting to dry, now. His eyelashes were wet and his cheeks were streaked. "How are you not scared?"
Miles had heard this question before. How are you not scared? How are you not sad? Why aren't you happy? Once upon a time he'd perhaps have said 'I'm good at keeping things to myself' or jokingly put in 'Emotions are a weakness'. But today he just said, "I am, Aaron. I'd be an idiot not to be scared. And I'm sad. I'm so, so fucking sad. But I wish I wasn't. We either live or we die and either way, I'll be glad to find an end to all of this."
Miles knew that Aaron knew perfectly well how to conceal his emotions, too. Miles hid his feelings by busying himself and being mean. Aaron hid his feelings by being a perfect little ray of fucking sunshine. Miles wished he had Aaron's smile and ability to light up a room. But at the same time, he knew he could never pull it off quite as well as his companion. He was happy to settle for admiring it.
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