S I A
Before Rosa 1
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I tapped my spoon on the plate absentmindedly. Simula nang magising kami't makapag-ayos ng sarili'y hindi parin kami nagkikibuan ni Raffy. Hindi rin kami makatingin sa mga mata ng isa't isa. At nababalot ng sobrang nakakailang na pakiramdam ang buong kainan.
Tick tick tick, ang tunog na nililikha ng kutsara sa babasaging plato.
Tumikhim si Raffy. "Kumain ka na."
Napatingin ako sakanya. Nakaturo siya sa plato ko. Hindi pa nagagalaw ang pagkain dito.
"Alam ko namang gutom ka," dagdag niya.
My stomach agreed with him. It growled, urging me to take a bite. Pero wala ako gana. Ayokong kumain.
I heaved a sigh. Ibinaba ko nalang ang kutsarang hawak ko. Hindi ko na kaya 'to.
"Ayoko. Mag-usap nalang tayo. Let's start talking about this."
Huminga rin ng malalim si Raffy. Uminom muna siya bago nakipagtitigan saakin. Maga pa ang kaniyang mga mata mula sa pag-iyak kagabi.
Kagabi.
Gusto ko nang umiwas ng tingin, pero nilakasan ko ang aking loob.
Walang patutunguhan ang bagay na hindi pinag-uusapan, recite ko ng aking prinsipyo sa buhay.
"Where do you want to start," I asked.
Napakamot si Raffy sa kaniyang baba. "Well, maybe we can start with the fact that we're both under the influence of alcohol."
I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Of course, "the almighty alcohol taking over our minds." 'Yan ang classic na excuse ng mga magkaibigang kagaya namin. Especially kapag may nagawang hindi dapat, kagaya kagabi.
Raffy started psyching the whole thing. "Also, may dinaramdam ako. Dino--" his voice cracked. Umiwas siya ng tingin. Naiiyak nanaman siya.
"Tapos," patuloy ni Raffy habang kinokontrol ang kaniyang sarili. Tumkhim muna siya bago muling bumaling saakin. "Tapos ikaw naman, I know you're lacking intimacy."
Napanganga ako sa sinabi niya. "What made you say that?" naeeskandalo kong tanong. But a cold metal-like feeling rested on my lower stomach. Kinabahan ako sa mga susunod na sasabihin ng bakla.
Nagkibit-balikat si Raffy. He continued eating, as if he didn't just attack my ego. Gladly, though, at that moment, I can feel the awkwardness slowly leaving the room.
"Sa pagkakaalam ko'y bihira nang umuwi si Monic dito? I'm assuming that you're missing her," he replied.
I slowly averted my gaze. Hindi naman kasi siya nagkakamali.
Pero agad ko ring ibinalik ang tingin ko sakaniya nang marealize ang ibig niyang sabihin. I'm not just sexually frustrated kaya nangyari 'yun! Where is he getting these ideas?! Tiningnan ko siya ng masama.
"I'm just assuming, mami. Huwag mo akong patayin ng mga tingin mo," Raffy said, chuckling.
Napairap nalang ako sakaniya. I can't believe he's seen through me that easily. Nakakainis. "Whatever. Sabihin mo nalang, what are you proposing?"
Raffy gave me a look. Parang nagulat siya. He shrugged. "Wala. I'm not proposing anything. I mean, does it bother you?"
*Napaisip ako at maya-maya'y napailing. "No. Not really."
And it's Raffy, I thought while studying him. We've been friends since college. Sabay naming tinuklas ang aming sexuality. I believe that I'm safe here. I'm safe with him.
"So, we'll let it go," kibit-balikat niyang conclude. "These things happen, right?"
Tumango ako, though my mind traveled faraway. "I-I suppose... yeah. Sure."
○●○
"Hi," salubong ko kay Monic pagkarating niya. Maggagabi na at katatapos lang ng kaniyang 16-hour duty.
"Nag-order na ako ng dinner," I told her with a sheepish smile.
She turned to me with an exhausted look. "Thank you," she mouthed. She seems too tired to point out that I can't cook.
"Magpalit ka na muna, I'll prepare the table."
Pupunta na sana ako sa kusina nang humarang si Monic sa daan. She rested her hands on either side of my hips. May kiliti ako sa part na 'yun, pero pinigilan kong mag-react.
We stared at each other's eyes. Halos magkasing-tangkad lang naman kaming dalawa kaya hindi ko na kailangang tumingala o yumuko para titigan siya sa mga mata.
I gave her a questioning look.
Monic smiled and gave me a peck. Her eyes are filled with fondness and gratitude when she said, "Ang swerte ko talaga sa'yo."
Bumalik iyong metal-like weight sa tiyan ko. I want to grimace but instead, I forced a smile.
"Kahit pagsasaing lang ang kaya mo," dagdag niya. Nang-aasar na ang kaniyang mga ngiti.
I chuckled. Pero parang mas lalong bumigat ang pakiramdam ko. Still, I kept my smile. "Mas swerte ako sa'yo," sabi ko sabay pisil ng kaniyang pingi. "Pagka't marunong kang magluto."
Nakangiting humiwalay si Monic. The part where she held my hips tingled with the lack of warmth. Pinanuod ko siyang pumasok sa nag-iisang kuwarto ng apartment.
I heave a shaky breath, my smile disappearing. "Wala 'to," bulong ko sa sarili. Pinilit kong mawala iyong pakiramdam sa tiyan ko habang naglalakad papunta sa kusina.
Nang lumabas si Monic sa kuwarto ay nakadamit pambahay na ito. Pinadaanan ko lang siya ng tingin habang naghahain.
"Kumusta ang sleepover ninyo ni Raffy?" tanong niya habang nagtatali ng buhok.
Natigilan ako.
Last night's events flood my mind like a broken dam. Mali si Raffy, hindi ako ganoon ka-lasing.
But, I shook those thoughts out of my mind. Hindi 'yun importante.
"Okay naman. Umuwing maga ang mata ng bakla," nakatalikod kong sagot. Napapikit nalang ako habang nagtatalo ang utak at konsesya ko.
A part of me doesn't want to tell Monic about what happened. At least, not yet.
But my conscience reminds me of my principle. I advocate good and honest communication. I believe that it's what keeps a relationship -- any relationship -- intact.
Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit sobrang lakas ng urge ko para itago ito kay Monic. Maybe because telling her about it is like an admission to that other feeling that's pestering me.
And I don't like proving Raffy right.
"Babe," Monic called, pulling me out of my thoughts.
Napalingon ako sakaniya. "What?"
Nakaupo na siya sa kaniyang usual spot sa mesa habang nakanguso. "I was asking you if Raffy said anything about the reason kung bakit umalis si Dino. Okay ka lang ba?"
Napatango ako. "Ah, about that. Wala siyang sinabi."
Inilagay ko na ang kanin sa gitna ng mesa. I sat in front of her. Nagdasal muna kami bago kumain.
"Raffy didn't say anything about it," patuloy ko sa pagkukuwento. "But I remember Kevin saying it's about work."
Kevin is Monic's cousin. At the same time, kaibigan namin siya ni Raffy. Right now, he's in LA. But, I remember him whining about how it's his fault that Dino and Raffy started fighting. Something about him being Dino's boss and ruining his timezone.
Kumunot ang noo ni Monic. "Bakit alam ni Kuya?"
"'Yun ata ang paalam ni Dino sakaniya."
She nodded at the thought.
"By the way, Kevin called last night," sabi ko.
Monic's gaze steadied on me. "Kumusta na raw siya?"
Napairap ako nang maalala ang conversation namin. College palang, gusto ko na itong kalbuhin. Or better yet, pag-untugin ang ulo nilang dalawa ni Erika. Pareho silang sakit sa ulo.
So I told Monic about it. Tawang tawa siya sa pinaggagawa ng kuya niya. Nahawa na rin ako, kahit na mahinhin tumawa si Monic.
"Sobrang sungit ba talaga ni Erika para ma-bother masyado si Kuya sa set-up nila?"
Napaisip ako. Erika -- she's the sweetest. S'ya 'yung tipo ng taong wagas kung magmahal. Pero, that girl, may bad side din itong tinatago -- like everyone else. Being her best friend for six long years made me see different sides of her.
Pero kilala ko rin si Kevin. Alam ko kung gaano kalalim ang tama nito kay Erika, kahit pa sobrang bagal nitong ma-realize ang mga bagay-bagay.
"Trying hard mag-move on ang kuya mo kahit na imposible dahil hibang s'ya kay Erika. Kinakatakot lang nun mahulog lalo," sabi ko.
Tumango si Monic pero hindi na sumagot. Napaisip tuloy ako kung naintindihan ba niya ang ibig kong sabihin.
"By the way, I have something to tell you," lipat ni Monic ng usapan. She started talking about her work. 'Yung mga kaibigan niya sa ospital, mga pasyente at bisita. Hanggang sa na-mention ni Monic ang tungkol sa isang partikular na doktora.
"Hindi parin daw binabawi ni Doc ang offer niya," patuloy ni Monic.
The heavy metal in my gut slowly run cold. It sent shivers up my spine. "Anong sabi mo?" Nakatingin lang ako sa 'king kinakain, pinapakiramdaman ang sarili.
Nang hindi sumagot si Monic ay dahan-dahan akong napatingin sakaniya. Guilt is written all over her face.
Napahinga ako ng malalim. "You're thinking about it," I said as a matter-of-factly. "You're leaving the country."
Monic's expression changed. Nagmamakaawa ang kaniyang mga mata. Her exhaustion showed, too. "Babe, there are better opportunities out there. Baka magka-scholarship pa ako for Med school."
Kumunot ang noo ko. The cold feeling seem to catch hot air. A storm started churning in my gut.
I stuck with my old narrative. "Why are you still looking out for scholarships? Hindi ba't sinabi na ng dad mo na pag-aaralin ka naman niya sa Australia. He promised."
"Pero alam mo ang conditions niya," Monic said with a dark expression.
I averted my gaze.
Our families are not happy about our relationship. Pinakita na nila ito saamin mula day 1. Right now, we're supporting each other. Si Monic, sa pangarap niyang med school, at ako naman sa 'king graduate studies. Isang beses sa isang taon lang kami umuwi sa kanya-kanyang pamilya. At, hindi pa maganda ang experience everytime.
If Monic takes her dad's offer so she can study med abroad, she will have to break up with me.
Ilang buwan na mula nang huling magkausap sina Monic at ang parents niyang nasa Australia, pero nakalutang parin sa ere ang offer na 'yun. No matter how we tried to talk about it, the problem just doesn't have a favorable answer. I know I shouldn't blame Monic for searching alternate routes. Pero kailangan ko ng masisisi para sa nararamdaman ko.
"Babe, just look at Doc Rosales' offer closely. That one year experience in Korea might just give me a bigger chance at landing a scholarship sa hospital. I have to risk it."
We locked eyes and I was convinced that she's right. But the mixture of feelings in my gut blends into a painful no. Sinasabi nito na it would be a greater risk than Monic thought.
To Monic, it's just me being jealous. Minsan na naming pinag-awayan si Dra. Rosales. Especially during the early stages of our relationship. The doctor is just a few years ahead of us, and she's an out lesbian. We both know she likes Monic.
But now, it's more than that. Few months ago, I started having this feeling -- this metal-like feeling in my gut, weighing me down like an anchor. But somehow, I know that the metal has a hallow inside. Malamig na emptiness lang ang laman nito.
I'm lacking something, somehow. At hindi ko ito masabi kay Monic dahil ako mismo ay hindi ko maintindihan.
Natapos kumain si Monic. "Huwag ka nang mag-isip masyado. We'll figure it out," sabi niya sabay tayo. Hinalikan muna niya ang aking ilong bago umalis. "Slid in next to me nalang babe ha. I'm beat."
I nodded, my mind afloat.
○●○
"You want to talk about it?"
Natauhan ako sa narinig. For a split second, nagtaka ko kung bakit nandito si Raffy. Then, I realized, nasa home office niya nga pala ako. Linggo pero overtime nanaman si Monic kaya't dito ako nakitambay kina Raffy.
"Talk about what?" naguguluhang kong tanong.
Ibinaba ni Raffy ang kaniyang binabasa. Inalis niya rin ang suot niyang reading glasses at maingat na inilapag sa mesang pinagtatrabahuhan. Then, he looked at me. "'Yan. Anong dahilan at tulaley ka teh gurl?"
Napatingin ako sa'king hawak. It's one of those Vogue magazines Raffy and Dino collects. Si Selena Gomez ang nasa cover. Naalala ko si Monic sa baby face nitong hitsura.
"Crush mo si Selena?" pang-aasar ni Raffy.
I chuckled weakly. I did have a crush on Selena Gomez when I was young. Isa ito sa mga bagay na nagparealize sa'kin na bisexual ako. But I didn't say that.
Instead, I said, "Iniisip ko si Monic."
"Anong meron kay girlfriend?" tanong ni Raffy. Hindi parin ito bumabalik sa ginagawa. I remember him saying that, as a rule in his profession, he is compelled to let go of whatever he's doing whenever someone talks to him about their problems. He stops and listens.
Sa tingin ko ay ito ang ginagawa niya ngayon. And I appreciate it.
But I waved at him. "Hindi mo ako kliyente, huwag mo akong kina-counsel."
Natawa kaming pareho.
"Hindi naman eh," nakairap na sagot niya. Tumayo siya at tumabi sa akin sa couch. "Dito nalang nga tayo para hindi mukhang formal. Ano, okay na?"
Nang makaupo si Raffy ay tiningnan niya ako. He's waiting.
Wala na akong nagawa kundi magsalita. I heave a sigh and asked, "Raffy, have you ever fallen out of love?"
Raffy processed my words. He put a hand over his mouth after realizing what I meant. Napasinghap siya. "Sia..."
To be continued...
* - editted