Chapter 8
"Oh my goodness, Lexa, what are you doing?" Clarke blurted out, her jaw hanging slightly. Lexa stood stiffly and awkwardly outside, her jade eyes flickered from the chocolate and flowers in her hands to Clarke. Her lovely honey blonde hair was illuminated by the light coming from the house behind her and, to Lexa, she looked like an angel. Blue eyes widened as Clarke stepped aside to let the brunette in.
"Umm, come in." Clarke cleared her throat, the silence palpable. Lexa felt as if she'd rather the ground open her up and swallow her alive. It had taken hours of getting up, walking out the door, and going back inside the house for her to finally draw up the courage to face Clarke again. Lexa's stomach was in turmoil, just like her heart. She didn't know which way was up. She couldn't figure out what was right or wrong. She needed to fix everything, but she didn't know where to begin. Everything had fallen apart, and Clarke didn't even know how or why. Lexa knew that Clarke deserved better. She deserved the truth.
"Here, I can take those." Clarke gestured to the surprise gifts Lexa had brought with her. With a small smile, Lexa gave them to her. Clarke noticed with delight that Lexa had gotten her her favourite chocolate assortments. Her eyes lit up as she looked up at Lexa.
"You really didn't need to, Lex."
"Yes, I really did, Clarke."
Clarke opened her mouth to insist, but Lexa put her hand out to stop her. She needed to get this out.
"Clarke, I need to talk to you." Lexa's voice was somber, and Clarke's brows furrowed in confusion.
"Okay, then talk to me. I-"
"And I need you to listen." Lexa spoke again. Clarke began to worry. Was she finally going to hear about what happened before the tournament? What could it have possibly been to make Lexa like this? Did it have anything to do with the party?
Oh no. what did I do? I don't remember anything. Clarke feared that maybe something happened while she was under the influence. Did she say something to Lexa that hurt her? The very idea made her sick. She couldn't have possibly done anything to harm her best friend.
"Lexa, why don't we go upstairs? We could sit down on my bed ─ it'll be more comfortable and private." Clarke moved from where they had been standing by the door. Lexa nodded, silently following the blonde into her house. It was still awkward as they journeyed up the stairs. And when they actually got to Clarke's room and shut the door, it was unbearably so.
"So..." Clarke urged.
"So..." Lexa had no idea where to start. So when she opened her mouth, she was shocked to hear herself speak. "We made out."
"What?"
"Here."
"What?"
"In your room."
"What?"
"On your bed."
"What? Lexa what are you talking about?"
"Yeah I know, it's crazy. You were drunk so I drove you home but you were completely out of it and I should have realized that it was the alcohol talking, not you, and that you couldn't possibly have meant the things you said,"
"Lexa-"
"I mean, you're my best friend and friends don't just start making out randomly because you want to, it's wrong. I'm a terrible person and I should never have laid a hand on you, God I feel-"
"Lexa!" Clarke's voice rose and Lexa finally looked at her. She was so scared to see what she would find in those breathtaking azure eyes, that when she gazed into, them, she almost began to cry.
I deserve it. Lexa thought. She felt that she deserved every ounce of disgust and hatred Clarke would have for her. She had broken her trust by kissing her without consent. She had touched Clarke while she was drunk and it made her collapse with guilt. All of her emotions must have risen to the surface, because Clarke's face fell and her eyes widened.
"Lexa, please breathe and talk a little slower, okay?" Clarke's voice was calm and soothing. Lexa listened to her, heart rate lowering. Clarke sat down next to Lexa on the bed, and the brunette fidgeted.
"Lexa, we need to talk about this. Can you please explain to me what happened? Slowly?" Clarke gave a small smile and Lexa swallowed. She felt hot tears threaten to spill down her cheeks because Clarke was just so good. So truly, deeply, good that Lexa just couldn't bear it.
Her lower lip trembled.
"I'm so sorry." It was whispered so softly that Clarke almost missed it. But it was impossible to. The raw emotion that Lexa gave her in those three simple words stole her breath away. The brunette was shaking, much like her voice, and when she tried to turn away and hide herself, Clarke would not let her. Instead, the blonde reached out and gently took Lexa's hand in hers.
"You have nothing to be sorry for." At this, Lexa's suddenly small-seeming frame shuddered with silent sobs. Clarke felt the ache in her chest more strongly than anything she had ever felt in her life. She didn't know how, but her arms moved of their own accord to wrap around her best friend.
"It's okay, Lexa. It's okay, you're safe." Clarke spoke in the gentlest of tones into Lexa's ear. "I'm here Lexa, right here." She pulled the girl closer to her, until Lexa's back was pressed against Clarke's front. Her arms tightened, and the girl in her lap was stiff before she fell back into her. They stayed like this for a while- Clarke soothing Lexa with her touch and calming her with her voice and Lexa basking in the warmth of love and care. Lexa's tears had ceased to fall and her heartbeat now helped her keep her rhythm. When Clarke pressed a ghost of a kiss into Lexa's hair, she felt her heart jump. Lexa was sure Clarke would notice.
"Lexa,"
"Hmm?"
"Are you okay?"
"I will be."
Clarke nudged Lexa's shoulder to get the girl to turn around and face her. Lexa was reluctant, refusing to look Clarke in the eye. After words of encouragement, Lexa finally repositioned so that her body was facing Clarke's. But instead of opening her eyes and looking at the blonde, Lexa buried herself into the crook of her neck. Her lips grazed Clarke's shoulder and she rested her head on Clarke's collarbone. Clarke's eyes were wide and she paused before resting her hands on Lexa's waist. Lexa's arms came up and over Clarke's so that her hands were behind Clarke's head. Clarke was completely engulfed in Lexa now, who was straddling her and hanging on as if she would lose all sense of balance and fall apart if she were to let go. Because that is what Clarke is to Lexa- her gravity. Clarke held Lexa together, and without her, she was weak.
***
The inevitable conversation that followed was incredibly painful and embarrassing, to say the least. How Lexa managed to explain to her best friend and hopeless crush that they made out the other day will never be understood, but she was glad it was over.
After taking Clarke through her alcohol-filled night slowly, the blonde grimaced at the things she had said and done.
"I'm so cringe-worthy, oh my god."
"It, umm, wasn't that bad."
Clarke gave Lexa a look.
"Okay, yes, it was."
When the story came to the part where Lexa carried Clarke to the car, it felt impossible to continue. Lexa's face was as red as a tomato, and Clarke's was on fire as well.
"I said what?"
"Clarke, please don't make me repeat it."
"Okay but this is just as embarrassing for me as it is for you." The two girls locked gazes as Clarke lowered her voice. "But, I had a point. If you were a guy, you'd really have that knight-in-shining-armour thing going on."
Lexa flinched at Clarke's word choice.
"Why do I have to be a guy?" When Lexa spoke up, Clarke looked at her in puzzlement.
"What?"
"You said 'if you were a guy'." Lexa shifted on the bed, closer to Clarke. "I don't need to be male to be kind and chivalrous."
Clarke's face dawned in understanding.
"Oh, sorry, no I didn't mean that. I just meant the sweeping-girls-off-their-feet-and-ravishing-them part." Clarke said casually. Lexa felt like she was on the edge of a narrow precipice and that she had two options- two ways this could go.
"Well, I mean, girls can sweep other girls off their feet too." Lexa flinched inwardly at how lame that sounded. Clarke continued to look at her, blonde hair falling down around her face. "I mean, girls can kiss other girls. Like, not just kiss them, obviously, but- wait no. Umm, what I mean to say was that-" Lexa stumbled over her words in nervousness.
Clarke saved Lexa from herself.
"I get it, Lexa."
"Oh, okay, good. Because I'm gay."
It was comical, really, the way Lexa's eyes widened to almost saucer-like proportions. She brought her head up so fast, she could have gotten whiplash. Her chocolate hair flew in her face and she ended up leaving it there, covering her face, because she didn't know what to do. Clarke, on the other hand, was completely composed. The blonde regarded Lexa with the warmest of sparks in her cerulean eyes. A smile hidden behind her full lips, she reached out to tame those chestnut curls, gently tucking them behind Lexa's ear so that she could catch a glimpse of forest green eyes.
"Lexa," Clarke spoke so softly, Lexa instinctively leaned closer to her. "That would never change how I feel about you."
Relief flooded Lexa's body.
"Oh, thank God!" Lexa gave a loud sigh and collapsed backwards onto Clarke's bed. The blonde giggled and flopped down beside her. The two girls fell into a fit of giggles. As that night progressed, Lexa realized that her walls were all for nothing. She figured out that nothing in this world was going to stop Clarke Griffin from being there, next to her.
"I'm worried," Lexa whispered a while later. Clarke turned from the laptop screen to look at her.
"About what?" she asked as she paused the show.
Lexa was looking down intently at her hands. Clarke waited patiently.
"What will the team think, Clarke?" Lexa's voice wavered at the end, and the blonde's name came out rougher and more defined than usual. A shiver went through Clarke's body and she silently chastised herself. Stop being such a perv.
"The team won't give a damn, Lexa! Not to mention we're a female hockey team. I bet you more than 40% of our team is gay or bi or likes women. You're one of the best players this school has ever had. What they care about is that you come back in Commander Mode and kick some ass." Clarke's blue eyes shone and the spark Lexa found in them lit her heart up. "And if anyone has a problem with your sexuality, I will personally deliver to them death by a thousand cuts."
"That is very... vicious, Clarke."
"I'm a very passionate person."
"I know." Lexa said with a soft smile. Clarke looked over at the brunette and gave a loopy smile of her own. Lexa noticed that Clarke was fidgeting with her watch. The watch her father gave her. As someone extremely close to Clarke, Lexa knew that Clarke resorted to playing with it when she was nervous and or anxious. It was her tell.
"What's wrong, Clarke?" The blonde brought her head up. She opened her mouth to speak, but was unable to form a coherent sentence. She was scared.
"Ishingambye." Clarke threw her hands over her face. Lexa's brows scrunched together and her lips twitched.
"Clarke, I have no idea what you just said." An exasperated groan came from the blonde, who had fallen backwards onto the bed in defeat.
"Please speak up," Lexa pleaded. Her voice wrapped around Clarke's head and she bolted upright into a sitting position and exclaimed, louder than necessary-
"I think I'm bi!"
Clarke took a deep breath.
Lexa sat perfectly still as her mind erupted. Her thoughts flew around in her head at 100 kilometers an hour, yet she was the perfect picture of composure. This changes nothing, Lexa. She's still your best friend.
"Lexa?"
"Yes?"
"Are we good?"
"uhm... yes of course! Women liking women for the win!" Lexa cringed as soon as the words left her. Clarke rolled her eyes and smiled.
"Friends?"
"Friends."
"Well then,"
"Umm," Lexa got up off the bed slowly, gauging Clarke's reaction. They were usually so in tune with each other's emotions, but the last few minutes have been... quite interesting to say the least. Both girls started with questions, got answers, and ended with more unanswered questions. As Lexa shuffled awkwardly towards the door, she reminded Clarke that if she needed to talk, she was always there for her. Clarke already knew that, but she smiled and said thank you anyways.
As Clarke watched Lexa hop on her bike and speed away, she couldn't help but feel like something between them had been changed very drastically, and she didn't know what to expect.
* * * *
"EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP!"
Raven gracefully hopped down from the bench as all the girls on the team brought their attention to her small frame. Looking up, she gave a bright smile.
"Your Commander wishes to address you lowly peasants." Raven walked off to stand by Octavia, who rolled her eyes like always. Lexa sighed and stepped forward, while everyone fixed their eyes and ears on her.
"The first thing I would like to say is that I do not regard you as peasants. You are my teammates and my friends, and I do not think you are peasants." Green eyes flickered nervously around the room. Lexa straightened her shoulders and took a breath.
"I'm gay. If you have a problem with that, please be sure to let me know."
Crickets were heard through the non-existent windows. From behind Lexa, who stood stiff and unmoving, Clarke, Raven, and Octavia glared at Taylor. Noticing the lasers being shot at her direction, her eyes widened and she said,
"Okay so I may be a bitch, but I'm not homophobic."
There was laughter that rang out in the room. Clarke smiled and rested her hand comfortingly on Lexa's shoulder. The brunette turned to look at her.
"See, Lex? Nothing to worry about. Your sexual orientation doesn't define you."
"Thank you for everything, Clarke." Lexa wanted to cry and fall into Clarke's arms and just have her hold her tight.
Instead of the dramatics, Clarke smiled widely. Clarke moved her hand from Lexa's shoulder to take hold of her hand.
"Anything for you, Lexa."