The frigid air blowing against your back did little to alleviate the heat brewing just under your skin, lips parted as you gulped down oxygen. A daze was overtaking your brain as your eyes fell shut and your lungs heaved, a thin layer of sweat coating your
skin. His lips pressed into your barely covered chest, followed by your collarbones, making a trail of wet open mouthed kisses up your neck. It made a lazy smile flutter up on your lips, fingers reaching out to push through his hair as his palms slid along your hips, grinding you down against his lap. He leaned forward and combined his lips with your parted ones, exhaling heavily against them as his body fidgeted with a faint moan. It vibrated through you as your palms massaged his broad chest, the car filled with enough heat to begin fogging the tinted windows while you straddled his lap.
His palms slid down to your ass as your lips melded, his plump and parted as his teeth grazed the pink flesh of yours. Your fingers combed back through his hair as you panted into the kisses, the dim light out the windshield casting a faint blue glow on his skin. When your lips started to pull from his, he peppered open mouth, wet kisses down your jaw, resting his forehead into your shoulder as he struggled to catch his breathe. Your fingers slipped down onto his neck, massaging the skin as you licked at your swollen lips, fighting to get in enough oxygen in the stuffy driver's seat of the parked car.
"The foods probably cold, huh."
Jongin's laugh filled the space when you spoke, making a small smile flicker across your lips as he wiggled against you, adjusting. Your eyes opened back up, focused on the cabin leering at you out the window. It stung as your teeth sunk into your bottom lip, exhaling, letting the temporary high surge through your veins, knowing in minutes you'd be right back to the mood you'd been in the past month and a half. Sleeping with Jongin was great for comfort and a distraction, but it did little to soothe the wound Chanyeol left in your chest.
Your muscles contracted at the thought of Park Chanyeol, someone you hadn't laid eyes on for weeks. Not since the night at the restaurant, the night he let you know how little you meant to him with a few short, simple words. Any texts he sent that evening went ignored after your curt response of being done, and two weeks of weak attempts later, he stopped trying to speak to you. He never came into the restaurant with the guys when you were on shift, never called you in the middle of the night wanting to come over, never made any effort to indicate he was hurting as much without you as you were without him.
You were thankful for the reprieve from Chanyeol, thinking it would make it all so much easier to wash away the feelings you had for him. Originally you were more angry than upset. Angry at yourself for caring in the first place and angry at him for not caring enough, if at all. Then you felt sad, lonely and full of longing for someone you still wanted to punch in the face. You missed the parts of Chanyeol that filled your nerves with electricity, the sides of him that were flashes in the night that lit you up inside. The parts of Park Chanyeol that you'd seen when he felt at ease beside you was what was making it so hard to let go of the lingering feelings that simmered beneath your ribcage.
Jongin was an accidental distraction a week past the incident, the both of you feeling particularly down. You'd been in an awful mood after hearing a girl talking about Chanyeol fucking her the night before, and Jongin had met up with his ex to get his things back. You found comfort in your friend who felt just as lonely as you did, just as desperate for someone to make the pain go away. After that, the sex had become a more frequent occurrence, usually followed by grabbing dinner or working on a project for class. No feelings had developed past the now dirty jokes you'd whisper in each other's ears, which usually sent Jongin into a fit of giggles that made your lips quirk towards the sky.
Moving on wasn't as simple as cutting ties with the one prompting the change, not when you still could feel him on your skin. Your heart still believed it belonged to Chanyeol, to someone who didn't want it and would never care for it like it deserved. You'd been foolish thinking he'd want more from your situation than what was obvious, but your emotions had gotten the best of you, leading you to where you were now. You felt damaged, not completely broken but definitely not as pristine as you'd been before him, a piece of you chipped off and lost with no replacement in sight. You didn't feel depressed, just not quite whole, and it irritated you beyond belief that your heart seemed to think Chanyeol was the missing part.
"Are you ready to go in?" Jongin's voice drew you out of your trance as he shifted, his fingers slipping up and down your bare back before he reached into the passenger seat to find your shirt. Your eyes wandered along his profile that glowed in the faint light flowing through the window, his hair falling in his face as he gripped what he'd been searching for.
"I don't know." You sighed and licked your swollen lips, taking the shirt from his hands and pulling it down over your messy hair, it sticking uncomfortably to your warm skin. "Seeing him is going to suck regardless of if I'm ready or not, honestly."
His head bobbed in understanding as he gripped his soft yellow sweater, starting to pull it back on over his flawless golden skin. He looked incredible, his lips parted and shiny from their previous actions, hair wild even after he tried to brush it away with his fingertips.
"It'll be okay, I'll be here." His voice was soothing to your growing nerves as he stretched his arms out, unlocking the car door and letting your body slip out first, shoes crunching on the pebble driveway.
Midterms had ended last week, prompting everyone to agree to a few days at a cabin a couple hours out of the city. In theory, a weekend away sounded fantastic, like an escape from the stress of school and work, a break from the painful reminders that encapsulated the city you resided in. In actuality, the emotions would still be buried within your chest, pounding to the surface whenever you were in the vicinity of the person causing the pain to begin with. You'd debated not going, but you didn't want Chanyeol to win. You didn't want him to have ruined your other relationships, to let him control when you did and didn't spend time with the boys that were just as much your friends as they were his.
Your fingers haphazardly pushed your hair back behind your ears as you moved around to the trunk to grab your bags, Jongin following behind with the car keys jingling between his fingers. The two of you had agreed to ride up together and get dinner for everyone along the way, Jongin having had a last practice to attend before leaving, yourself stuck at work for hours. You'd pulled into the driveway about fifteen minutes ago, your nerves only alleviating slightly when you pulled Jongin into a kiss that led to a rather heated makeout session.
Your fingertips skimmed the surface of the roughed up duffle bag, tossing it over your shoulder and letting your eyes wander over Chanyeol's car, which was parked near by. In a flash you could picture Chanyeol over top of you in the backseat, smiling into your skin and squeezing your fingers between his. You missed how his body felt when it was moving against yours, missed how his voice sounded when he whispered huskily in your ear while his hands gripped every inch of skin he could reach. You could still swear you smelled his cologne when you walked into your room late at night, like the memory was mocking you and making your skin erupt in goosebumps
Jongin's bag easily was balanced with the bags of food he insisted on carrying, letting you shut the trunk before the car locked with a loud beep. You took a quick glance in the side mirror, not wanting it to be completely obvious you'd just nearly fucked him in the front seat of his car. You looked put together besides how flushed pink your lips were, puffy from the friction of his mouth against them. You straightened yourself out, nodding once in reassurance before grabbing your bag more firmly and walking in time behind Jongin's tall frame. He shot you a calm smile over his shoulder as he jiggled the doorknob open, the warmth of inside welcome when a cool breeze hit your back.
Minseok and Sehun were the first ones you saw, the pair chatting as they dug through their hung up coat pockets for something, both of their heads lifting to smile at the pair of you, Yixing rushing over to grab the bags from Jongin, who politely nodded at him. Your friends from class had been joining the group more often and it was one good thing that had come about with you avoiding Chanyeol. The rest of your friends were getting along and that was a little plus to the otherwise negative atmosphere clouding you.
The cabin was beautiful, simply decorated with tall ceilings and two floors, a wooden staircase tucked away near the kitchen and the front door opening into a walkway to the interior of the home. The living room was attached to the open kitchen, a fireplace flickering in the far wall, the second floor overlooking the room below. It felt incredible the further inside you walked, warm air being pumped through the vents and the faint smoky smell from the fireplace wafting through the air, your muscles relaxing so oppositely to your bubbling nerves.
"Finally! I thought I was going to starve before you got here." Jongdae whined as you entered the kitchen, rushing to take the bags of food from Yixing while Jongin just laughed. Yubin, Jongdae's girlfriend, rolled her eyes, flicking the back of his neck so he'd quiet down, making his whining increase exponentially. Soorin giggled at them both, glancing over when Minseok sauntered into the room and placed a shy hand on the middle of her back, her cheeks erupting in pink.
Your teeth dug into your bottom lip as your eyes flickered over the two happy couples, one so comfortable with each other, the other new and still flustered to brush skin with the other. You wondered if you'd ever find someone that would blush from you kissing their cheek or touching their hands. If you'd ever find someone that would want to proudly hold you in front of their friends, someone that would claim you as theirs with every ounce of love in their body.
You wanted to be over feeling the way you did. To get over the lingering way your heart hammered in your chest knowing Chanyeol was somewhere inside the house at that very moment. You wanted to move on from how the idea of being within inches from his skin but no longer allowed to feel it against yours, hating how it made your insides twist. You still felt attached to him, even after nearly two months apart, and it drove you absolutely crazy.
"You're so rude Dae." You rolled your eyes as you moved, legs leading you towards the staircase, where you set your bag down to carry up later. Yubin laughed in agreement, Jongdae full on sulking when you reentered the room, Minseok and Yixing making everyone plates. "A thank you would have been nice."
"Thank you." He cracked a smile and gave your back a friendly pat, Sehun slipping beside you and draping his arm across your shoulders. Your head lulled backwards bumping into his arm, focusing on him as he winked down at you and quirked a perfectly sculpted eyebrow.
"Come sit." His body was pulling yours into the living room before you could have a say in the matter, muscles tensing when Chanyeol's humming met your ears, every nerve in your body jolting. You kept your eyes glued to the floor as Sehun plopped onto a loveseat and tugged you gently down beside him, the girls coming in with drinks for everyone, placing them on the coffee table. You swallowed hard, eyes flickering over to Jinhee, who was curled up with a book near the fireplace, everyone filtering in apparently oblivious to the tension you felt filling you up like a balloon ready to burst.
"Let's eat!" Minseok encouraged as he carried in plates, placing them on the table for everyone to pick at, the room echoing with idle chatter you were too distracted to listen to. You eyed the food, but your appetite was long gone, dissipated into nothing the moment you could see Chanyeol's feet tapping into the carpet. You vaguely nodded your head along to the conversation, picking at the fabric of your jeans as you took one quick glance at his middle, watching his large hands spread out on the arms of the chair he occupied.
It felt like torture, being stuck so close to the person you'd been trying not to think about for weeks. Granted you weren't doing a good job filing thoughts of him away to begin with, being able to smell his cologne and hear his breathing wasn't alleviating the struggle. He was close enough for you to reach out and grab one of his hands if you wanted to, close enough to see the stray freckle that spotted the bridge of his nose if you looked up just a bit further. Your heart was pounding so hard you felt like you couldn't breathe properly, and you wondered if you looked quite as in distress as you felt.
You wanted to scream, to reach forward and strangle him for feeling so at ease while you were stuck almost losing your mind just looking at his damn hands. You wanted to smack him, to make him feel half as broken as you did inside. It was only fair considering the blow he'd given you at the restaurant last time you spoke. He'd left an impact wound on your chest that spread deep, angry and red with pain.
There was a quiet rustle in your ears as you pulled your legs up and folded them under yourself, exhaling heavily and rubbing at your eyes with the heels of your palms. You could already feel a headache coming on, probably from the pounding in your brain with the inner battle of whether you should look at Chanyeol fully or not. You weren't sure you could handle seeing his beautiful eyes squinting when he thought too deeply, or watching his jaw muscles contract when he spoke to anyone but you.
Slowly you gave into the pull, your eyes trailing up from his waist, fluttering over his loose black long sleeve t-shirt. They made their way up his soft looking neck, remembering what it felt like beneath your lips, before landing on his face, your heart dropping to your feet. You watched as his lashes brushed his cheeks when he blinked, his eyebrows furrowing as he exhaled a loaded sigh, barely listening to the others while his fingers drummed into the armrests. He looked breathtaking, lips parted as his tongue poked out to wet them, hair fluffy like he'd just taken a shower and blowed it dry. His cheeks were flushed the faintest shade of pink, skin probably warm to the touch.
You wanted to crawl onto his lap and curl into his chest. You wanted to feel his arms around you and feel his smile pressing into your forehead. You wanted to plant kisses along his jaw and neck and ears and tell him that you missed him, all in the hopes of hearing him repeat the quiet words back. You also wanted to shove him off the chair and stomp on his fingers one by one, wanting him to feel the damage he had done to you, the pain he'd instilled in your limbs.
It was when you were going to look away that his head turned slightly, and his eyes landed on yours. His expression didn't change, though you were sure yours did, forcing down a hard swallow as you watched his eyes flicker between yours, eyebrows furrowing momentarily.
It felt like everything around you faded, Jongin and Sehun's chatter on either side of your head turning muffled like they were underwater. His focus being held solely on you made your fingers clench around your legs, nails digging into the covered skin as you blinked slowly at him, conveying a message you didn't even know the contents of. His knuckles turned white as his hands formed fists, your heart beating so rapidly it thumped in your fingers and toes.
You wondered if you were alone what he would have said, or if he would have said anything at all. You wondered if he would have acted like nothing had ever happened and tried to flirt with you, or if he'd acknowledge how huge of an asshole he was for what he spat at you. You also wondered which answer you wanted to hear more.
Your gaze tore away when his flickered lower to your lips, hating how it made the skin on the back of your neck warm up and your thighs press slightly closer together. The needles plunging into the side of your face made it clear Chanyeol was still glancing in your direction, watching you as you moved forward on the cushion. Your body shifted upwards, feeling everyone's attention on you as you flashed a small smile.
"I'm tired. I'm gonna head to bed, I'll see you in the morning." Sehun and Jongdae both whined, Sehun playfully tugging on your hand as you laughed and pulled from his grasp, moving past Chanyeol's chair, noticing his fingers scoot a centimeter closer to you. You wondered if it was a twitch or if maybe he wanted to reach out and touch you. If he wanted to grab you and pull you onto his lap as badly as you wanted to fall into him.
While your chest tightened at the second option, your brain reminded you that reality was the first, feet carrying you up the stairs with your bag in your arms, the chatter lifting back up the further out of their view you grew. Your fingers skimmed the banister that allowed you to overlook the living room, peeking down at your oblivious friends as they ate, voices floating to your tired ears.
"She had work, that's why she's tired." Jongin chuckled at how Minseok's eyebrow was raised, Yixing's head bobbing in understanding at his explanation, his gentle nature palpable even from far away. Chanyeol's small scoff barely resonated in your eardrums, mouth running dry as you watched his body shift forward, so he was leaning his elbows on his long legs.
"Why would you know why she's tired?" His tone wasn't exactly rude, but it also wasn't very friendly, his hand brushing through his hair before moving back to it's previous position. Jongin's eyebrows shot up as he shrugged, not wanting to start some sort of argument over something so stupid that, apparently, bothered Chanyeol.
Hearing his voice out loud made your blood warm up, body naturally leaning towards the railing to hear it better. You'd missed his voice more than anything the past weeks away from him, not in the sexual aspects, but in the way he'd say your name when he wanted your attention, or how his lips forced out certain words. You missed how his tone could go from booming to muted in a flash depending on his mood. You missed how his husky voice would dip when he laughed, how it would fill your senses to the max with the warmest feeling you'd ever concocted.
"She probably went to bed because you were staring at her, idiot." Sehun's grin when he spoke made the others burst into laughter, Chanyeol's eyes dropping into narrow slits as he flipped his friend off. Your chest ignited when he leaned back in his chair and craned his neck back, eyes landing on your figure listening to them from behind the banister. The others hadn't noticed, all joking about something that had laughter echoing off the tall ceilings, and you silently wondered if he could feel your burning stares just like you always felt his.
His hair fell back off his forehead as his tongue poked out to wet his lips, eyes focused on you but his muscles relaxed, not glaring or conveying much emotion, just staring. You tried to look as relaxed as he did when you swallowed down the unwanted nerves in your esophagus, a quiet sigh fighting past your teeth as you wondered how you got to this point. How you felt so strongly for someone from a simple look in your direction.
Your head shook faintly side to side as you tore your eyes away from the boy setting your body ablaze, the burning spreading to your back as you turned and walked into your room, the door clicking shut behind you. The heavy bag dropped to the floor with a dull thud as you shuffled over to the bed, falling face first into the plush comforter and squeezing your eyes shut, wanting to scream.
All you could see behind the shut lids was Chanyeol, his hair fluffy and freshly washed and his eyes staring directly into yours, your hands fidgeting with the desire to feel him against you. You wanted to feel him against you, holding you, keeping you safe from the pain you felt pushing to get out of you. You remembered how it felt the night he asked to stay over, how, before you fell asleep, you felt so secure in his arms, like he'd protect you from anything.
He neglected, however, to protect you from himself.
"Stop it Sehun, I'm not taking off my pants." You snorted at Jongdae's grumbling, his arms coming up to shove at his friend's chest as the fire cackled before you, the heat radiating outwards and singeing your skin. The first day at the cabin had flown by without incident, your morning spent with Minseok, Sehun and Yixing on a small hike through the woods, everyone keeping to themselves until this evening. A bonfire seemed like a good way to bring everyone back together for the night, the smell of roasting marshmallows making things somehow a bit more at ease, like you weren't sat directly across the fire from Chanyeol.
He was sitting next to Jinhee, who was sipping a beer and laughing loudly along at the boys who were practically wrestling on the grass, Yubin and Soorin next to them while Minseok's fingers aimlessly combed through Soorin's hair. Jongin was beside you, busy shoving a marshmallow past his lips while his head bobbed, listening to Yixing explain some book he'd read, eyes lively as he took in every word like it was a secret.
The tops of your thighs were flush with your chest, chin resting on the tops of your bent knees as you exhaled, eyelids falling shut as you focused on the sounds around you rather than the feeling of your heart pumping erratically. You'd successfully avoided having to spend time with Chanyeol all day, but now you really had nowhere to go unless you wanted to lock yourself in your room, which would only isolate you with the less than pleasant thoughts trying to claw their way to the forefront of your mind.
When your eyes opened back up, Chanyeol was watching you, vision drawn to him like a magnet as he rolled his head around his shoulders. He had a worn out journal on his lap, the binding looking like it'd been bent and manhandled, words scrawled on the front you couldn't read in the dim lighting. It vaguely reminded you of the journal he had branded with Jinah's name, but this one was a pale tan, the pages lined with a hazy orange glow from the fire dancing before it, threatening to ignite it if his body jerked forward.
"What are you writing?" Jinhee's voice made his stare break, head turning towards her as his large palm smacked the open book closed, his shoulders rising and falling unceremoniously. Jinhee laughed faintly at his plain reaction, scooting closer and taking a sip from her beer as her hand landed on his knee. "That wasn't conspicuous at all."
Your eyes skimmed over her fingers on his knee, your gaze then pulling over to Jongin and Yixing, feigning interest in their lively debate over a fictional character. Your fingers felt numbed despite the fire before them, the sleeves of your sweater tugged down past your knuckles as your arms folded against your chest, as if defending the wounded organ inside. Your toes wiggled in your socks, legs stretching out as you struggled to appear as casual as Chanyeol.
"Can I have a marshmallow?" You cleared your throat when the words came out more quietly than intended, Jongin smiling none the less and passing you the metal stick to hold, Yixing crawling closer and jabbing a one of the sugary sweets onto it for you. The fire warmed our cheeks as you scooted closer, pushing the poker into the flames and letting your lips press together into a thin line, Jongin's hand raising to pat your lower back.
"You okay?" Though the question was straightforward, you could tell from the tone he was actually asking if you were okay watching Chanyeol let Jinhee flirt with him. The fabric of your sweater brushed against your chin as you peeked over your shoulder at the handsome boy, a faint smile on your lips. His eyes were as gentle as you expected, lips turned down on the ends as he not so subtly glanced in their direction.
"I'm fine." It was a lie, at least a partial one, your focus flickering to the pair of them as well, Jinhee now trying to playfully steal the journal from his grasp, his grip tight on it as he held it up far from her view. His jaw was tensed slightly, like he was the somewhat annoyed, but the petite grin on his lips led you to believe otherwise. She gave up after a minute, lifting her beer back up to take a sip, a dramatic pout evident.
It felt wrong, watching someone else hit on him even if he wasn't yours and you were supposed to be trying to get over him. It felt like seeing someone stealing the dream job you'd worked hard for, tried to earn with passion and patience. Your stomach churned as she leaned up and whispered something to him, her lips brushing the shell of his ear as he shook his head with a dry chuckle, smile at half strength as he looked up at the night sky. His body leaned back onto the palms of his hands, legs stretching out and almost kicking the burning logs. You hated how incredible he looked, how at ease he appeared with everything around him, not at all uncontent with his life.
"Your marshmallow!" Jongdae's drunken giggling snapped you from your trance as you laughed and quickly pulled the burning sugar from the flames, blowing on it frantically. Sehun snorted, patting your head and taking a seat beside you while he grabbed a fresh beer to crack open.
"You suck at this." He was teasing, his eyebrows wiggling as he pushed his free hand through his hair, which was damp from the too long shower he indulged in earlier. He'd used up all the hot water, which resulted in Minseok lecturing him for a solid ten minutes, much to everyone's amusement. His cheekbones looked dominant with the glow of the fire hitting them, eyes unfocused from the buzz of alcohol in his system.
"Shut up, I do not." You shoved at his broad shoulder, rolling your eyes and tossing the burnt marshmallow past your lips, passing the stick back to Yixing as you chewed. The sting of Chanyeol's staring was prevalent once more, but you fought the urge to focus on his direction, instead reaching for your bottle of water to wash down the sugar. "You're drunk."
"I am not!" Sehun's obnoxious gasp made your body cringe away, scooting back from the flickering flames and running a hand down your fuzzy sweater, ignoring Jinhee's giggling that sounded across from you. You were positive the beer in her system was allowing her to be so out right about her flirting, being someone usually much more demure, but that didn't make it any less annoying to your already worn thin sanity, frustration hammering in your mind.
The breeze that gushed past made the fire grow taller, your sweater feeling too thin as goosebumps began to spread up your spine. The wind whipped the grey clouds in your direction, making your eyes itch and momentarily squint closed. You did your best to brush away the sensation, leaning back on the palms of your hands and listening to Jongin and Soorin discuss a dance course they'd both taken, the smell of his cologne comforting when mixed with the smoke from the firepit.
Their voices floated over your head as they laughed, everyone enjoying themselves, besides you. It felt like you were drowning in the overwhelming rush that was Park Chanyeol every time his gaze would linger on you, lasering into your skin. You hated how even a look could make you question yourself, how being close enough to see the movements of his eyes as they danced across the space made your stomach brew up disdain.
You hated the entire situation, namely because you'd put yourself in it and now were left dealing with the mess. The other contributor to the problem was the guy you were supposed to be cutting ties with, but found yourself aching for when his name was mentioned or when you saw his shampoo in the upstairs shower. You wanted him, still, even with the agonistic aching that seemed to follow you every step you took, even miles away from the places the emotions were formed.
You couldn't escape Park Chanyeol when he was right in front of you.
"Are you cold?" Jongin drew your attention with his light laugh, fingers lifting to unzip his heavy jacket as you shivered, as if on que. The breeze was picking up the later into the evening it grew, tickling your cheeks and making your spine lock up. "Here, take my jacket."
"Then you'll be cold."
"I'll be fine." Your rejection went on deaf ears as he slid the material over your shoulders, it big enough to envelope you in heat the moment it hit your body. You sighed, rolling your eyes at his kindness as he patted your shoulder and went back to his discussion with Yixing, your arms folding over your stomach as you savored the comfort of the thick fabric enveloping you.
The burning you felt was no longer from the fire, Chanyeol mute as his eyes bored into your skin, not even fidgeting when you caught his stare. Jinhee was laughing as she told him a story, beer in one hand as her other hand occupied itself playing with the rip in his jeans, not noticing the look the boy beside her was giving you. A look littered with so many things you didn't understand and never would, a look that made your heart ache and your brain give up all hope of figuring him out.
His focus tore away when Jinhee said his name and tapped his knee, his arm looping around her shoulders and making the beat of your heart fall off track, her face lighting up as he quirked an eyebrow at her. Your body recoiled into itself as you watched, her lips forming into a wide smile when she whispered something to him and busted out laughing again, abandoning her beer to instead plant her palms on his chest, his body turned towards her enough to make the action comfortable.
It felt like another slap to the face, not nearly as hard as the one at the restaurant, this one more like an aftershock to remind you of where you stood. That you had never been anything more than a thing to play with, and now you were simply an outsider looking in a place you once occupied and tried to make home.
You watched them for fifteen minutes. Watched as her body inched closer and closer to him til their sides were meshed together, the wind blowing his hair away from his forehead whenever he craned his neck down to whisper to her. Watched as her fingers began inching their way up to his shoulder blades, fanning out there and taking claim in the covered skin. Watched as she eyed his parted lips when he took a deep breathe of the smoke filled air, leaving you to wonder if she thought they'd fit into hers as perfectly as you believed they slotted into yours.
"I'm going to bed." You decided and let your body heave itself up, most of the grass's occupants too intoxicated to even hear you. Jongin simply nodded while Yixing flashed you a sympathetic smile, reaching out to give your hand a gentle squeeze as he wished you goodnight.
You took a peek at Chanyeol, his eyes already on you as you walked past him to get to the door, Jinhee flashing a grin at you as her hair blew away from her face, the fire turning her skin a glowy orange. You didn't bother mustering a happy look back, your eyes tracing over the lines of Chanyeol's face as his jaw tensed while he gazed right back, his body shifting away from Jinah enough for her hands to fall from his shoulders.
The bed felt like a welcome comfort as you curled under the blankets, lights off while your eyes danced over the moonlight streaming through the window, bathing in the silence as you bit back your sadness. He wasn't worth being sad over, you told yourself that every time a single tear fell past your waterline, and yet the tears would still fall regardless of how many repetitions of the mantra you muttered at night.
You laid still for a half hour, mind blank and full of a thick fog as your eyes watched the dark clouds begin to cover the moon. The glow faded to black, encapsulating the room in darkness, the muffled sounds of your friends down below dying out the longer you stared, bed creaking beneath you as you shifted your body upright into a sitting position.
You slowly peeled off the jacket Jongin had given you, letting it hang on the bedpost before slipping back down, laying flat against the unfamiliar mattress, eyes focused up on the wood covered ceiling, heartbeat palpable. The room was quiet, calm, until you could hear muffled voices out in the hall, the loud giggling what initially caught your attention, with it's overbearing volume and tone. It was Jinhee, full of boisterous happiness egged on by her relaxed frame of mind.
The moment you heard a door open and close next to yours, the dread poured into your lungs, drowning you.
Because it wasn't Jinhee's room she was walking into.
It was Chanyeol's.
The walls muffled the sounds initially, but weren't thick enough to cancel out the breathy laughter that seeped through them, Chanyeol's quiet moan slapping you across the face, making your eyes begin to sting. This couldn't be happening, the universe couldn't possibly hate you enough to force you to listen to him fuck someone else, to make you listen to him touch someone all the places he used to feel you. Thinking about it was bad enough, hearing it in person was as painful as being shot point blank in the chest.
It started slowly at first, the volume of their voices, Jinhee's squeals the main thing that soaked your brain. Then it was quiet for a beat, too quiet for you to be at ease, because you knew that meant they were probably undressing each other. She was probably taking his clothes off and seeing the parts of him that made your heart thump whenever you'd seen them.
Things like the small scar that was hidden on his left side where his ribs stopped, caused by an accident on his bike when he was eleven. Things like the small freckle on the middle of his thigh that you'd always press a kiss to when you spotted it, the smile that would take over his features something that made your throat tighten and always gave you the urge to kiss it again. She'd see his muscular stomach and flawless hips. She'd see his knobby knees and huge feet. She'd see all of him that you wanted so badly to keep for yourself.
Your eyes clamped closed, tears leaking down your temples as you yanked the blanket over your head, trying to muffle the whimpers of Chanyeol's name, the rare grunt pounding into your bruised chest the longer the act went on. Your palms pressed over your ears as your face screwed up, lip trembling while choked back the loud sobs that tried to rip from your body. If you could hear them, then they could hear you, and the last thing you wanted was for Chanyeol to know how badly it was hurting you to hear him with someone else.
You could see them in your head, like they were fucking right in front of you, her hands in his hair and his lips on her skin. He was so much taller than her he'd probably have no problem tossing her about, taking her however he wanted. She'd be incredibly turned on with the husky voice he had when he got into his rhythm, the breathy sighs he'd release against her head would make her toes curl. He'd make her feel just as good as he used to make you feel, because you were never special to him in the first place. Nothing you had ever done together was special to him, nothing at all.
"Stop, stop, stop." You begged, crying into your palm as you clamped it over your parted lips, hearing the headboard thump into the wall twice before you were sitting up, moving from the bed. It was too close, too real, too painful to take in when you already felt like your foundation was crumbling. You could picture the dent above your bed he'd created and jerked as far from the source of the sound as you could, back pressing against the cold wall.
You were being mocked, tortured by your own emotions as you rubbed furiously at your tear soaked cheeks, sniffling and swallowing repeatedly to try and strangle down the lump preventing your lungs from getting oxygen. The animalistic noises grew
louder and louder til they finally subsided with one loud shout of Chanyeol's name from Jinhee's lips, the silence welcome but full of agony as you stared at the wall they laid behind.
You wondered if he knew you could hear them.
You wondered if he even cared.
You wanted to hurt him.
You wanted to make him feel how your lungs were giving out and your hands were shaking. Wanted to make him experience the form of torture that was listening to someone you cared about being touched by someone else, held by someone else, felt by someone else. You wanted to make his heart bleed just like yours was, wanted him to feel it pour through his veins every time he looked at you and knew someone else had explored every part he loved. Because that was how you felt every single time you saw him with another girl, and hearing it now had been the final nail in your coffin.
You didn't know if he ever really cared enough for it to hurt him, but you were willing to try.
Your feet were carrying you from the room before you could talk yourself out of the childish decision, hand forming a fist and banging on the wood before you. Your heart was racing, each thump spreading suffering into your core, your lips parted as the doorknob twisted and you were met by his tall figure, hair a mess like he'd just run his hands through it.
"Are you okay?"
Jongin's eyes were full of sympathy again as he took your figure in, your eyes bloodshot and lips swollen from biting them so hard. Your hands were shaking, even as you lifted them up and gripped the fabric of his shirt, craning forward and pressing your lips to his without giving an answer, because of course you weren't okay.
How could you be?
He pulled back with a gentle tug, his hands coming up to rest on your biceps as his gaze danced from eye to eye. The expression on his face let you know he had heard them as well, he understood why you were trying so desperately to bury yourself in him. Trying so hard to let go. Trying so hard to not feel how broken you had become inside.
"Are you sure you want to right now?" He was quiet, hand reaching behind you to shut and lock the oak door, thumb stroking your skin in figure eights. He wasn't pressuring you into changing your mind, a lock of his hair scattering across his forehead as he brushed his lips to your forehead. He didn't want you doing anything you'd regret and it almost made you start crying again from how sweet he was, how undeserving he was to be feeling the pain of being thrown away by the person he loved.
You wished you had fallen for Jongin, that you'd both met each other before someone else claimed your heart as theirs, before you formed as friends and established you would never grow to become anything more than that. Perhaps if that had been the case neither of you would be so overwhelmingly pained inside now, neither of you would be desperate for physical touch to try and make you unaware of the dejection in your veins.
"Positive."
Mouths melted together as the words left you, fingers pulling at his shirt as his hands slid around your hips to your ass, lifting your body up into his. His lips were so full that his kisses felt suffocating, in the best imaginable way, fingers skimming the skin just under your shirt as he began pushing it upwards with a gentle hum. Your mouths detached long enough for him to yank your shirt off and toss it aside, before he reattached them to your jaw, kissing downwards.
Your nails dragged down his back as his body started backing up towards the bed, your eyes fluttering shut and head tipping backwards when his lips trailed down your neck, stopping just above your collarbones as he sighed into your skin. You felt the suction and gentle strokes of his teeth against the flesh, tongue soothing the ache between each bite, leaving an angry purple bruise. You used to think that perhaps Chanyeol left them to subtly tell the world that you were his.
But you didn't want to belong to Chanyeol anymore.
Not when he would never belong to you.
It was blur of skin and discarded clothes, moans that were loud as you could muster in the hopes that maybe you could drive a knife into Chanyeol's chest like he had yours. Jongin's body wrangled your pain, tucking it away deep inside you while your focus remained on how good he could make you feel. By the time he rolled off you and panted into the hot air, you were temporarily numb inside, like all of the emotions had expelled from your lungs.
His exhausted body stilled beside you after a few minutes, quiet snores filling the space as you gingerly slipped from the bed, the rustling of the blankets feeling loud to your busted brain. You slipped your clothes back on, tip toeing out and back over to your own room, passing Chanyeol's door with a small pang in your chest, threatening to dim the lack of emotions in your veins.
Once in your room, you cleaned off, changing into a comfortable pair of joggers and the first clean shirt you could grasp from your bag, body tired but mind too ablaze to sleep. Even with the house falling silent, the room felt too loud to be in alone with your thoughts, feet carrying you down the stairs, your body sinking into the empty grass outside and lungs heaving out all the air you'd been holding in.
It was then that the numb sensation started to wear off, head tilting back to stare up at the stars that dotted the black skies above you, each one twinkling and illuminating it's surroundings. A mute tear dripped down your sticky temple into your hair, hands clamping around your knees rather than reaching up to wipe it away, sighing as another followed suit. You dropped your eyelids shut, listening to the near dead fire still cackling with the remnants of life, the pain blooming back up, blossoming in your chest and expanding to fill your empty cracks.
Mute whimpers flowed from your lips as you cried, sniffles filling the air and melding with the sounds of the chirping crickets tucked within the trees. Your heart was returning to it's normal pace after the surge of adrenaline sleeping with Jongin brought on, but along with the normality was coming the empty feeling that was beginning to consume you entirely.
You hated how much you missed him, how badly you wanted to go to his room just so you could see his face, regardless of how badly it hurt. Jongin made you feel incredible, of course, but it never could fill you with life the way Chanyeol had.
It hadn't been anything to Chanyeol, the times spent pressed up against the shower wall or tangled in your bed. Fucking someone wasn't ever special to him because it was his favorite pastime, nothing more than a hobby to make him feel good. But for you it had become so much more than meaningless escapades that ended with bliss. It had become more when you'd see him flash vulnerability with touches that grew too gentle to be normal to him, when you'd find it plausible he could possibly care about you.
You could see how his eyes would wrinkle on the ends when he'd laugh at something you said. You could see how his forehead would crease in concentration when he took your clothes off and let his fingers praise every inch of you. You could see how his smile would spread if you somehow brushed his ticklish feet and sent him into reluctant laughter that warmed your chest. You could see all of him when you were alone and while to him it was just sex, it had never really been that to you.
You'd grown so attached to him over the months of your situation together, your friendship tumultuous at times and full of nagging, short-lived jabs, but also something you craved like a drug. You desired to watch him with the guys when he wasn't being a complete asshole, when he'd relax into himself and talk about his music or some stupid joke he found funny enough to make him clap and wheeze. Those were the moments that made it so easy to let your heart latch onto him, even if you knew the risks.
Heavy footsteps met your ears but you didn't bother looking, feeling his presence as his body sunk down beside you in the grass, sighing like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. His smell was indescribable as it slipped into your senses, another quiet tear skimming down and trailing over your lips. When your eyes opened, you tilted your head forward, not sparing him a glance as you stared at the dying embers of the fire, glowing in the dim moonlight from above.
It was silent for a long while, Chanyeol's breathing even beside you as the fire grew dull, the occasional breeze giving it breathes of new life. His hand was close to yours, centimeters away, so if you shifted your pinkie finger backwards you'd be touching him, the grass cool but itchy beneath your palm. Your tears slowed, bottom lip trembling until your teeth sunk into it, legs stretching out before you to alleviate the aching in the muscles.
The silence felt like screaming, like you both had so much you wanted to tell the other but your wounds had severed your vocal chords. Your throat and mouth ran dry as you shook your head, hair drifting back behind your neck. You weren't even sure of what to say to him, where to begin when you had no idea how to explain how you felt. Heartbroken, angry, stupid, resentful, jealous. Every possible human emotion that could be tacked onto someone you had developed for him, it all wrapped up with a boy made from your affection towards him.
"How did we end up here, Chanyeol?" It wasn't a real question, not one you expected an answer to as your eyes drifted back up to the star spotted sky. You were mute, like if you spoke too loudly you'd wake up the entire forest, like you'd unsettle the balance the world around you thrived with but you seemed to lack. Speaking the words to him made your eyes burn again, rimming with water that you didn't let fall.
"I don't know." Hearing his deep voice finally close to you again made your blood warm, lungs shrinking down a size as you exhaled heavily. His own chest seemed to deflate shortly after, his legs stretching out before him much like yours, your eyes focusing on his sock covered feet as the fire nipped at them. "I really don't know."
It fell silent again as an owl called in the distance, the sound like a somber melody as you felt his fingers brush against yours. You weren't sure if it was an accident, his palm adjusting against the ground, no longer touching you but close enough to feel the heat radiating from his skin. He was staring at your damp cheeks, you could feel how it burned into your skin, letting you know he was seeing into you.
"How was Jongin?" The small wave of victory for wounding him was overshadowed by the frustration that bubbled over in your gut. Your head lulled to the side, eyes focusing on his face that was close enough to touch, his hair parted to the side and a complete, tangled mess. His eyes fell to your lips before slowly maneuvering up to your eyes, memorizing you for the first time in weeks.
"How was Jinhee?" You laughed bitterly as you rolled your eyes and shook your head, annoyed already with the way his voice held a vindictive edge to it. He could have had you if he wanted you. You would have been his in a heartbeat had he ever tried to
claim you as so. Whether he was jealous about you and Jongin or just jealous he wasn't the one you were fucking anymore, you weren't sure.
Knowing Chanyeol, it was probably the latter.
His eyes shifted down your body and you could see his entire being tense when his gaze landed on the bruise formed on the side of your throat, dark and blurred on the edges with red. His lips parted and his jaw tightened, breathing halted just long enough for you to notice. You didn't bother trying to cover it up, wanting him to at least believe for a mere second you didn't care anymore. You wanted him to believe you didn't care if someone else littered your skin with short lived possession, regardless of you desperately wished the mark had been from him.
He fell mute as you watched each other, the air calm as you sat and stared at the boy who broke you down. The boy who pulled you in easily and kept you in place without any resistance. Even now, after listening to him fuck someone else and hearing him spit such awful words at you previously, you wanted nothing more than to shift your hand over onto his and to let your head fall against his shoulder. You craved to feel close to him, to let him crawl under your skin and hold onto you.
"I miss you so fucking much." It was the smallest voice you'd ever heard him use, his head moving slightly in a shake side to side, lips parting and turning down on the ends as he kept his eyes on you. His fingers slipped around your wrist, caressing the bare skin, leaving trails of longing as they slid across the surface. It was barely there, his skin on yours, the touch delicate enough to be a whisper, but strong enough to make your eyes begin to burn again.
"No you don't." You almost let your voice crack but damped your tone enough to prevent it, tongue sweeping across your lower lip as you watched his head shake again, disagreeing with your statement. "You may miss having sex with me, but you don't miss me. There's a difference."
"I do miss you." He was insistent, grip on your wrist growing stronger, fingers gliding down under your palm as it lifted from the grass, clasping around your hand. "I miss you every damn day."
"Than maybe you shouldn't have said the shit you said to me, Chanyeol." This time, the crack in your voice slipped, eyes hard as you turned your head away and looked at the dying flames, willing the heat to evaporate the tears. "Maybe you shouldn't have made me feel worthless and stupid and like you didn't give a single fuck about me."
"I had a shit morning, a shit day even. I was pissed as hell and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I just snapped." He sounded exasperated, not so much at you as at himself, knuckles grazing your cheek and making your eyes float shut.
"I don't care why you said it, the damage is done." You sighed and reluctantly your cheek leaned into his touch, making his fingers uncurl and slip around the curve of your face, thumb serving as leverage to turn you back towards him. "You fucking hurt me Chanyeol. I've never felt more humiliated in my life. If you wanted to get the message across that I meant shit to you than it was received, loud and clear."
"Stop." His voice felt heavy with his hands on your skin, your cheek no longer leaning into his palm but his fingers lingering all the same. He looked pained, staring at you as a tear dripped from your left eye, dripping down along your cheek before pooling above his touch. "Please, stop."
"It doesn't matter anymore anyway." You mumbled, craning your neck so his hand fell away, muscles aching as his fingers landed on the junction between your neck and shoulder. "Whatever fucked up situation we had before, it's over now."
"I don't want it to just be over."
"You should have thought of that before." Your voice shook as you swallowed the rock in your esophagus, tears coating your lashes that couldn't be blinked away, his thumb grazing the skin of your neck, feeling your pulse thumping there. "It's not like we were something anyway."
"You were something to me. You are still." His voice was firm as his head shook, hands both lifting away from you as he pushed them through his hair. "You're my friend. You're my...Fuck, I just...We had something that was good, something that was fun and I could trust you, and it didn't have to have all the pressure of you wanting more."
"I didn't want more Chanyeol, I just wanted you." You croaked as you let your hands slide down over your face, fingers shaking and making gentle taps against your thighs when they landed there. "Not the other girls I had to share you with, not anyone else, all I fucking wanted was you, alone, with me."
He swallowed thickly, shoulders tense as they rose and he folded his arms over his face, back arching as he puffed air into them, not sure what to say. You could feel how your heart rate quickened the longer you stared at him, watching the freckle on his nose as he scrubbed at his eyes with the heels of his palms.
"We can't do that. I can't..." He was quiet, pained, like he didn't want the words that were coming out to meet your ears. His fingers threaded together as his body leaned towards yours. "We could be what we were, but I'm sorry I can't be that guy for you. I can't because I know how it'll end, and losing you would fucking kill me. I can't be..I can't commit to that."
"You can't or you're too scared to?" You whispered the words, but knew he heard them, his hand grabbing onto yours when you stood to go back inside, the faint fire now all but gone, just a pile of black ash behind you much like your heart in your chest. He
wanted you to stay, wanted you to give into what he wanted and to just go back to how things were, you his favorite girl but not his only girl.
"Please stay." His fingers laced through yours as his grip tightened, trying to keep you still, where he could see you and feel you. You swore his bottom lip shook once before he pressed his lips together tight, thumb brushing yours before your head shook.
"Please." His eyes bored into yours, burning into your heart and trying to grab back onto it, to place himself where you'd never be able to get him out. Your wrist twisted, pulling from his grasp before you stepped over him and hurried to go inside, rubbing the tears off your raw cheeks.
"Goodnight Chanyeol."