j a i m e e
+
"No," Shayden pleaded, voice raspy from sleep as he wrapped both of his arms around my waist and pulled me against him. His nose nuzzled my hair, tightening his grip on me as I tried to get out of his hold. "Don't leave me."
"You've got work, Shay. We've gotta get up sometime."
He shook his head, moving his hand up to my thigh brushing lightly against my exposed skin. "No, I'm stayin' here with you."
I thought back to yesterday when Tory had confided in me about his past and how I'd planned to check in with him today. We'd planned a date to the diner with Libbie and Taylor but I had a feeling that it'd go downhill.
"You've got work." I warned, trying my best to not give in to his wishes. I was stubborn, but Shayden always had a way of making me fall despite how much I tried to deny it. He brought out another side to me that was invisible to everyone else.
I turned over so we were facing each other. Shayden eventually opened his eyes and, as soon as I saw the mischievous smirk resting on his lips, I pushed him away from me and crossed my arms over my chest. "I'm not staying in bed all day."
"Calm down, love." He chuckled, sitting up and pulling on a pair of grey sweatpants before climbing out of the bed.
I ignored the way my mouth salivated at the sight as my ovaries practically exploded. Grey sweatpants were my weakness and that stupid man was well aware of that.
"What do you want for breakfast?" Shayden asked, grinning as he caught sight of me leaving his bedroom submerged in one of his hoodies. "I have cereal, toast, waffles and pancakes."
"I want chocolate." I reply instantly, the sudden craving overtaking my senses. Food is, and always will be, the key to my heart.
"You're not having chocolate for breakfast." Shay scolds, shaking his head at my reply.
"Excuse you but you asked me what I wanted for breakfast and I told you."
"Well, Tenaiya would literally hit me if I gave you chocolate for breakfast." Shayden counters, to which I roll my eyes at instantly.
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her." My response was quick, "Besides, Mom adored you."
Shayden tries to hide a smile at my simple statement but it breaks through his exterior. Our parents' blessing, despite their current absence, meant a lot to us. "I'm still not risking it."
In protest, I turned away from him and pouted my lips. He let out a small laugh and took the opportunity to dip his head down and press his lips against my neck. I shuddered as he left small, delicate pecks along my collarbone and moved up to the crook of my neck, attaching onto a part of my skin that made me shiver and bite my lip. I moved one of my hands absent-mindedly up to his hair, threading my fingers through his curls as he groaned.
"Fucking hell, Nkosi. You obsessed with me or something?" I tease as he finally pulls his mouth away from my neck. I was certain that the slight swelling on his lips only mirrored the state of my neck.
"I've been doing something wrong if you've only just noticed." He says huskily, a small rasp in his tone making my knees weak as we stared into each other's eyes.
Two hours later and I'm stuck with three idiots that share one collective brain cell.
"Look, I'm not saying that straight people are boring bu-"
"You literally just said that I'm not human because I don't find Noah Centineo attractive." Taylor deadpans.
"No, I said you mustn't have fully functioning eyes. Keep up." Tory teases, rolling his eyes. "Barbie, back me up here."
"I fucking ha-"
"I'm back with Shayden." I cut them off, "Like officially, boyfriend and girlfriend."
Libbie Campbell almost choked on her burger, coughing and spluttering food everywhere.
"You okay?"
"No, it's Libbie." Taylor mutters, sticking a handful of fries into his mouth and chewing sloppily.
"You're hilarious." Tory deadpans, but doesn't look at all surprised by my revelation. Since I'd introduced him to Taylor and Libbie for the first time sober just a few days ago, the group seemed to have hit it off. Seems their drunken states hadn't really paid attention or spoken to him when we went clubbing.
And by hitting it off, they all hated each other which, for Taylor and Libbie, was nothing new.
I ignored all their reactions, deciding to continue what I was saying. "We're just taking it slow at the moment, but I'm not going to tell Remi."
"Are you joki-" Taylor starts off, just to be interrupted by Libbie who's finally regained her breathing.
"That's a shit idea, Remi will kill you for hiding something like this from him." She points out, "You know how he feels about Shayden."
"If I may," Tory speaks up, pointing one finger in the air as if we were back in Middle School. "Why would she want to tell her brother if he's just going to react badly?"
"Are you missing a brain cell?" Libbie narrows her eyes at him, her mocking tone causing a scowl to cover the Cuban boy's face. "Remi wouldn't react badly. He'd be fucking ecstatic."
"At least I have a brain, Princess-"
"I will stab you with this fork, Troy. Don't test me."
"I still don't see what the issue is."
"The problem is," Taylor cuts them both off, "Remi adores Shayden. And if he found out that, after not seeing him for four years, they were back together and he didn't get told, he'd kick off."
"To be honest, it sounds like Remi and Shayden have the real relationship here." Tory points out.
"Obviously, hashtag Rayden forever." Libbie scoffs, before pausing and laughing at her own words as if they were the funniest thing she's ever said. "Besides, it doesn't count if you say no homo."
"Have you ever met Shayden? It's full homo all the way." Taylor says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, but jumps up in his seat as a voice starts speaking behind him.
"You sure about that, Ward?"
I grin, standing up to wrap my arms around my boyfriend. He pecks my lips lightly, smiling, before shuffling into the booth next to me.
It seemed like all direction had already been taken away from his arrival as Libbie spits out.
"Move."
Tory narrows his eyes at her tone as she tries to get out of the booth. "Say that again."
"If I say it again, it'll be to a corpse." She threatens, shoving him. "Move out of my way."
"Do you have an off switch?" Tory exclaims, moving out of the booth to stop her climbing over the table.
"Nope. Go suck a dick."
"Gladly."
+++
Shayden's fingers run up and down my side. It's all I can focus on as the movie plays on my TV. After Tory and Libbie's argument, which ended with her dumping a milkshake onto his head, Shayden and I decided that a movie night for just us was needed.
"God you're so beautiful." His voice in my ear sends shivers all over my body, but I didn't take my eyes off the television.
"Aww, fuck off." I mutter jokingly, nudging his head with my own.
"Naughty." He whispers into my ear, exhaling deeply so his breath tickles my skin. His lips started to move along my jaw as his hand leaned up to cup my throat, I froze, for it took me back to that night.
His hand tightens around my throat, fingers digging bruises into my skin as I cry harder. Mumbled words escaped my lips as I tried to scream, but the sound of me begging for someone to help me was drowned out by the increasing pressure on my neck. It hurts.
"Don't." I let out, my chest rising quickly as panic flowed through my veins.
He moved away from me quickly, distancing our bodies entirely. I ignored his stare and returned my eyes to the screen, but the entire picture was blurry as my eyes stung with tears. I fought through all the thoughts threatening to cascade my mind. I fought against the panic attack that I knew would come if I didn't distract myself. The tension between us grew thicker and thicker with the prolonged silence.
Once I finally regained control over my body, I swallowed past the pool of anxiety in my throat and spoke up, "I'm sorry, Shay."
"Don't." He says softly, "Whatever I did wrong, I'm sorry. I didn't know and I didn't mean to remind you of that."
I sucked in a breath at his words, my eyes becoming teary at his gentleness. Standing up from the couch, I walk over to the kitchen with my back turned to him. I lean my hands against the countertop, trying to ground myself without engraving crescent moon cuts into my skin.
"You stopped. You actually stopped." I let out in a raspy voice, disbelief coursing through me. "He never did that so you don't need to apologize. You listened and respected me."
"Always will, Doll. You're in control, forever." He hugged me from behind, leaning his head on my shoulder. I sank into his warmth, knowing that as long as he's here, he'll keep me safe from drowning in my mind.
"Don't grab my throat," I whisper, "He didn't let go of it when he..." I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply. "I had the bruises for over a month after it because he didn't let go. He just kept tightening his hold the more I fought."
"Never again." Shayden tightens his hold, moving his head slightly to plant a kiss onto the base of my neck. "I love you and I've got you."
"I'm sorry." I mumble again.
"You need to tell people, Jai. You can't suffer with this on your own." Shayden says gently.
Shaking my head, my head starts to hurt as a myriad of feelings start to overwhelm me. I pull myself away from him, feeling my walls build up again. "You have no idea what you're talking about."
"Just tell Remi or Libbie. Be honest with them so you can start to heal. You can't do this on your own."
"Why can't I?" I snap, "Stop acting as if you know what's best for me. I know what's best for me."
"Please, just do it for me." He begs, and I can tell he just wants what's best for me but I can't face it. He should know that. "You owe me that at least."
I flinch back at his words, my eyes widening slightly.
"Don't you dare." My arms wrapped around my waist. "Do you think it was easy telling you about that? Do you think that it didn't hurt me speaking about things that I can't even face remembering? Why do you think I found it easier breaking up with you in the first place? It ruined me hurting you, Shayden. But I couldn't face this." I gesture between us, staring at him in desperation. "You kept asking why I broke up with you, but the rape wasn't why. I couldn't face the fact it had happened and telling you would've forced me to accept it."
"How can you expect to recover from it then? How can you move forward from this?" He asks.
"You don't get it."
"Then make me get it."
I level his stare with my own, mentally forcing myself to keep my head up and not cry. But my stare eventually wavers and my eyes are drilled to the floor as I try to steady my breathing.
"We live in a society where if someone gets assaulted, they raise questions as of why. Why did they get raped, right? Was it their clothes? Were they teasing? Are they a slut? Instead of, why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you? When you come out and say that you've been raped, your identity changes. You're no longer who you were before, you're just the girl or boy or non binary person who got raped." I say as calmly as possible, "If I tell them, they'll pity me. They'll dance around conversations that surround sex, they'll treat me like a charity case. I don't want that. It might have changed how I act but not who I am, I'm still me. And I can't let what he did to me define my life. I don't need to announce it to the world to heal. I'm the only person who can help me."
"You're not the same you, Jai." Shayden's lips tug up solemnly, "I'm sorry but you aren't. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing."
"Maybe I'm not the same as I used to be. Maybe I can't walk down the street with any skin showing without being petrified that someone's looking at me. Maybe the smell of alcohol makes my stomach drop because it's all I could taste in my mouth when I woke up covered in my own blood and his-" I cut myself off, shaking my head with my eyes wired shut. "I can't deal with pity, Shay. I can't hack it. Because it'll just annoy me and I don't need that. I don't want people to know because I don't want to be treated differently. It's not because I'm ashamed or scared of their reaction because I literally don't care, I know it wasn't my fault. But unfortunately, some people won't believe me because of how I used to be, some people will say I asked for it, they could say that he was such a nice person, how could he ever do that?"
"If he was a nice person, truly, he wouldn't have ever hurt you." Shayden seethes, his hands curling into fists as wrath threatened to overtake him. "You're right, I don't get how you feel because I've never been through it. But I don't pity you, darling. I think you're amazing and strong and so, so beautiful. And I'm so proud of you for surviving everything you've been through, I admire you."
"I'm not strong."
"You've always been strong. It's so noticeable, especially in the way that you carry yourself. People see that strength and try to break it, but it'll never work." He smiles gently, a soft glimmer mixing with the ink in his irises. "Because of you, there's god knows how many girls safer than they would be if he was still free."
"I spent four years dealing with it on my own, Shay. I can do this."
"I know you can, baby. You've got this." He leans a hand out slowly, as if waiting for me to move away before he cradles my cheek. "But letting people in could help. You've got people around you who love you, who want to support you through this. Don't block them out."