"Youve gotta stop doing this!" Joey snapped as soon as he saw the person who stood at his door. Looking down at him, which was ironic really.
"Hey, dont be rude. I've come to see you."
"I dont know if I want to." Joey said coldly.
"Why?"
"Because you keep on doing this." Joey sighed "you do this all the fucking time."
"I do what all the fucking time?"
"You and me, we have a moment, we always have a fucking moment, and then you push me away, you push me away and ignore me for weeks on end. What's with that? It fucking hurts you know. It fucking hurts!" Joey snapped slamming the door in Corey's face.
And Corey stood there, two weeks after his attempt, dumbfounded.
He came to apolgies, he came to make amends and he was being treated like this bad guy.
But a retaliation came as Joey's words repeated "we have a moment and then you push me away." And it hit him he was indeed the bad guy. He did do that and he was hurting Joey in the process. Fuck. He hadn't even realised it which made matters worse.
He sat on the step in front of Joey's door looking up at the grey Iowa sky and playing with the bandages on his wrists.
He was the bad guy, because he realized that Joey wasnt wrong. Most of the times he fell out with Joey was when Joey got to close for comfort and he couldnt cope with that. But that wasnt Joey's fault. Not that it was his fault really either. Joey may have been the only person he fucked from the heart yet he still didnt want him too close.
Joey did that a lot, get too close for comfort, and the problem was Corey wanted Joey to be close, he wanted Joey to push him out his comfort zone.
But he wasnt ready.
Hence he panicked and pushed him away.
He did maybe like Joey more than he thought he should or ever would. He found Joey agreeable and caring and he deifnelty liked Joey. Heck he'd even want to date him one day maybe. Despite them both being men, which Corey had always liked both of the genders they had their pros and con, he always thought he'd end up with a women, in a hetronormativeway. But right now he wanted Joey.
Shit!
He wanted Joey. He always did.
But he wasnt ready.
He wasnt ready to give that trust to anyone. He didnt even trust his grandma to the full extent and he hated to admit that. And to top it off, in the most stupid way, he was afraid of men. He was. He got aggressive frightened, but how could he trust them after they all seemed to fuck him over?
His dad, fucked off didnt care for him didnt even care to know him for birth.
All his moms boyfriends that beat not only him, but his sister and his mom too. Scars that run deep from them, scars that turned his heart dark. The drunken monsters that were control freaks.
The bullies that used to pick on him and beat him. Hurt him and humiliate him. Made him feel like the world was really better of without him.
And then Jason. Jason fucked him over big time. While most bullies have something going on in their lives, whether they were in a similar situation of their moms asshole boyfriends as he, and most asshole boyfriends usually suffered from the disease known as alcoholism and Americas lack of respect for women. Jason didnt have that excuse. Jason fucked him over for control, to feel poweful, because Jason could be whatever Corey wanted, a friend, a best friend, a father figure, his neighbour, valium, a spectual, whatever, whatfuckingever and it would have been the same outcome. He wanted Corey's vulnerability, and of course young Corey who looked up to him, wanted to be like him, would come there after school listening to some killer bands and pour his heart out to Jason. Hed cry in front of him. Talk about how poor he was or how that awful woman Corky would steal from them. Or how Corkys boyfriend smashed a plate on Coreys own mothers head in front of him and his sister. He had trusted this boy to take him for him and accept him and be the first friend or hell first person to truly care about him. But Jason wore a mask, Jason was not that person, he would be whatever Corey needed to get what he wanted. It just sucked was that Corey needed a best friend.
He cursed and before he knew it, he began crying. This awful fucking memory on fucking repeat all the fucking time. It sucked.
Someone held his wrists, dissociation, someone covered his mouth, panic attack, someone called him a good boy, breakdown.
His mind tortured him, his mind made him feel like he deserved it.
And the fucked it up again with Joey. Fuck. What an asshole?
Of course with the crying came bounts of anger for being so weak. He wasnt even ment to be crying. How pathetic-
"Corey?" A voice sighed.
He turned behind him and Joey stood there, leaning against the door, looking a little less angry.
"What?" He said trying not to snap as he quickly wiped his tears.
"You're still here." Joey said motioning to outdoors.
Corey just nodded.
"If I knew you were gonna cry about it, I would have let you in." He said, laughing but falsely. Corey could tell, it didn't reach joeys eyes like it usually did.
Corey didnt say anything. While in fact he was more angry at Joey for being angsty with him, and well for opening up his eyes to the fact he did keep pushing Joey away, he couldn't hide it no longer. But he didnt want Joey to know he liked him, there was a sense of pride where he wanted to play hard to get. And another sense that if Joey was gonna be a hugger, Corey wasnt ready for that level of pathetic intermacy. A quick fuck when he was horny? yeah cool, but he was always in charge and he couldnt do it on a day where he felt like shite. He couldnt. But Joey couldnt know what had happened to him and admitting it was something Corey never wanted to do. He knew what is was dont get him wrong, but he had never been able to let the words pass through his lips.
"Come on, come in. We can smoke some weed or something." He said, rolling his eyes and pulling Corey in.
-
The two layed on Joey's bed, stoned and hungry. Sharing a comfortable, high silence.
"I'm allergic to the shit." Corey eventually said as he placed his hands on his stomach.
"Why do you smoke it then?" Joey asked
Corey shrugged "it's fun." he said before they both went silent again.
"You know man," Joey said "I am still mad at you."
"I know."
"I shouldn't have shared my weed you know." He said
Corey just nodded feeling more relaxed then he should have.
"Why? Do you not like the moments we share?" Joey asked reaching for Corey's hand, of which Corey jerked away.
Corey hadn't ment to of done that and he could see the hurt on Joey's face. He sighed and put his hands on Joey before Joey could say anything.
"I do." Corey mumbled
"Then what is it then?" Joey kind of snapped
"Im fucked up joey." He sighed being honest "I'm more fucked up then people realise. I want to just be a normal teenager you know? But here I am being fucked with by my mind every single day. Its torture. I just I am scared to get close I guess." He said not really believing he was admitting it, but to stoned to care.
"You dont have to be scared." Joey scoffed like it was a well known fact.
"You dont get it." Corey said
"I would if you elaborate." Joey said
"No."
"I'm still waiting for an apology by the way." Joey smiled
"Sorry for being a bitch." Corey said half heartedly
"Yeah, whatever." Joey said suddenly disheartened and honestly by that point uninterested hearing the lack of care in his friends voice
"Ah what?" Corey half snapped
"You just keep doing this. Pushing me away." Joey sighed
Corey looked at him, "shit." He muttered
"Its whatever at this point." Joey's said looking hurt. "I just, I care about you, a lot, I just want to help and understand you, but clearly you couldn't care less."
"I-"
"Fuck I think I'm going to cry." Joey said looking away.
"Please dont cry." Corey said softly
"Stop making me then." Joey whispered
Corey blinked a couple times in surprise from Joey's outburst. Joey looked on the verge of tears hugging himself. And Coreys heart ached looking at him. He bit his lip before taking a deep breath.
"I'm sorry Joey. I really am." Corey said, Joey just looked at him "I'd like to get close. Because god. I cant believe I'm going to admit this." He blushed biting his lip hard enough to draw blood "I'm going to blame the weed, but we both know its not. I like you."
"You what?" Joey said
"I kinda like you." Corey sighed closing his eyes and putting his hands over his face.
Joey almost could believe it "you like me?"
Corey shrugged "I guess."
And Joey could have pretty much died on the spot...