"Crawl"
Album: Graffiti (2009)
*****
This is a two part series, this is part one!
****
The clock ticked and tocked.
Doctor Daniels was getting tired of sitting in silence.
Time was money. His money and he didn't have any to waste.
Doctor Daniels sighed. "Okay, look, I love counseling you two, been counseling you two for years, it's almost like seeing my daughter and my son. But if we're just gonna sit here and not talk we can all go home."
"We're here because we've been having some bad communication. Like really bad." Chris said.
"Like...."
It got quiet, but yn had had enough of him beating around the bush, so she spoke up.
"He cheated, he lied, he's been doing drugs. I can't even begin to name all the shit he's been doing." She said on the verge of tears.
"Drugs?" Dr. Daniels said shocked.
"That's just the tip of the ice berg. He's went as far as to have a baby with another girl. Someone from the law firm. That I work with."
It got so quiet in the room you could hear everyone's thoughts.
Dr. Daniels took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead.
"Okay, let's try a different approach. One we've never tried before. Umm...let's try talking one on one. Starting with Chris." He said. "Yn, why don't you have a seat outside and I'll come get you when it's your turn."
Yn grabbed her purse and stood up heading towards the door. As she walked by Chris, he grabbed her hand and Yn snatched her hand out of his quickly.
As the door shut, Chris dropped his head.
"Doc, I don't kn-"
"Chris, Imma be honest with you. I've been knowing you all your life, you're like another son to me, so I can do my job and curse you out at the same time. Boy, you out of your mind?"
Chris couldn't say anything.
"Drugs, Chris? Drugs?!" He semi yelled. "If your dad was here, he would kick your ass. And kill you faster than them drugs would. What are you thinking?"
"I wasn't. I was just...I don't know. Stressed, I didn't think it would be a problem. I mean I can stop when I want."
Dr. Daniels closed his eyes and scuffed. "It's that bad? What is it? Crack? What you on boy?"
"Yeah pop. It's...it's crack." Chris said lowly clenching his jaw.
Dr. Daniels quickly jotted down notes. "You know I gotta have some notes, just cause it's my job." He said writing and shaking his head. "I wanna beat your ass so bad." He said while writing. "You're going to rehab immediately! We're not going to wait for you to get worse, you're going in ASAP! Now a o HT this cheating. What's going on with that?"
Chris sighed. "Okay, it was one night, me and Yn had been arguing pretty bad. It was bad, throwing and breaking dishes, it was bad. I had went out with my cousin and we were just hanging out, kicking it. We had been drinking. I mixed a lot of drinks that night. I ran into an old friend from high school, I was too drunk to go back home so she invited me and Keeis my cousin to stay at her house and I slept with her. I didn't know she worked with my wife until a few weeks after she told me she was pregnant. I didn't tell Yn. But when her water broke she called me to let me know but I ended up leaving my phone at home and when I went back to go get it...." he paused and ran a hand down his face. "Yn had already found out."
"How old is the baby?"
"A few months."
"Okay, what drove you to the drugs?"
"I guess stress from work and then trying to get Yn pregnant but with her not being able to get pregnant right now, I don't know." Chris shrugged.
"You done lying? Because I know you don't think imma let that fly."
Chris blew out a long deep breath. "I do drugs because it makes me feel good. You know, I don't get wild and crazy like I do when I'm drunk. I just sleep all day, I get high and it feels good. I know it's bad and that it ruins my life. But I've gotten so deep in it, I just- it's hard to stop. I've done some bad things behind doing drugs. Some stuff that I probably would never be forgiven for."
Dr. Daniels wrote more notes before looking back up at Chris.
"Do you really love Yn?"
"Yes, pop! Yes! I wouldn't be the man I am without her. I mean, she's loyal, she's so sweet, kind. Gentle. Loving. She's patient. She's hardworking. Never has cheated, well she cheated once. But i forgave her. But she's never ever cheated again after that, she's never lied. She's always been there for me through everything. She has her ways, her flaws. But her good outweighs all of that. I fucked up, and I'm ready to fix it."
****
"Yn, you've been in here for 10 minutes. Say something." Dr. Daniels pushed.
Yn, wipes her tears with her tissue and took a breath.
"I don't know what to say." She shrugged.
"You have a lot to say. You just don't know what to say first." Dr. Daniels said.
"I was his girlfriend for 6 years, been married for 10. I gave this man 16 years of my whole life. 16 years of cheating, lying. Manipulation..." she paused to let out some sobs. "Drugs. A baby? I want a divorce. I'm at my end." She said.
"You don't want a divorce-"
"Yes I do. How much more do I have to take?" She said.
Dr. Daniels took a breath before writing in his notes.
"Okay, Chris mentioned that you cheated once."
"Yeah. I was 22. I had been befriending a guy at the bookstore I used to work at, he was a regular customer. He seemed to have had all the things I was looking for in Chris. Sensitivity..." I trailed.
"We both know Chris ain't got that." Dr. Daniels joked.
Yn laughed a little and sniffled playing with her tissue. "And really listening to me. He was so easy to talk to. He listened to understand and not respond. He never, not once, asked me for anything. One night, I was closing the bookstore and it was pretty late. Chris was supposed to come get me from work but...he ended up falling asleep and wouldn't answer the phone. I decided to just walk to the nearest bus stop but was raining pretty bad. The guy lived a few blocks up from the store, it just so happened that he was leaving the gas station. He offered me a ride home. But...I had left my phone back at the bookstore so he came inside with me to make sure i was okay. One thing led to the other and that was that." She said looking up at Dr. Daniels. "That was the only time. I felt so bad, I told Chris immediately after it happened. I never spoke to the guy again, I even quit the job at the bookstore so that I could earn Chris' trust back. It took a minute but I did it. And now i see why he cheats the way he does. Because he's trying to get back at me." Yn said.
"No, no woman ever deserves that. I don't care what you do, you do not deserve that. He cheats because he wants to cheat. It has nothing to do with you. Now I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, but don't ever sell yourself short because of the decisions a man makes."
Yn nodded.
"Do you really love him?" He asked her.
"Yes! I mean, he's a real gentleman at times, he knows me, he's my best friend. We've been in this for 16 years."
"What's the greatest thing that he's ever done for you?"
Yn thought about it before speaking.
"About 2 years ago, me and Chris were conceiving, I ended up pregnant. He went all out, buying baby books, he bought baby booties, a pacifier the whole nine and I was only 3 weeks. Unfortunately, I ended up losing the baby shortly after. He took it hard. Really hard, but he was there for me. He made sure I was taken care of. He fed me, he prayed for me. The man prayed for me." She said. "That's the biggest thing he's done for me. He prayed for me."
"Is that what's keeping you here?" He asked.
Yn sighed. "It's my vows. My vows are keeping me here. Because I take my vows seriously. I know marriage isn't a walk in the park. No relationships period are a walk in the park. But because I have faith, I hold on." She said.
"How did you find out about the drugs?"
"Doing laundry. I mean it's bullshit how women do what we're supposed to do- the laundry. And we find Hoth our men is doing dirt. I tell you, if any woman wants to know if their man is cheating, all she has to go is laundry." She chuckled. "I found a small baggy with crack in it. And I brought it up to him but he brushed it off. Then one day I came home from work early, and I caught him passed out on the couch with the crack on the table." She shook her head. "I caught him in the lie and I just couldn't believe it. I know I'm a handful but I didn't know it drove him to drugs."
"It's not your fault. It's his fault." Dr. Daniels assured her. "I'm gonna bring him back in so that we can try talking together."
Yn nodded and continued to play with her tissue that was in her hand as Dr. Daniels called for Chris to come back in.
"Okay." He spoke. "You two are like my own kids, and I'll tell you Yn like I told Chris, I can curse you out while doing my job. I know you two can make it as a couple. You two are great individuals so together you're unstoppable! I know you can make it! This exercise were about to do is called "call and response". Yn will say two things that she wants from you, and you have to respond by saying the opposite. Meaning you would say how you don't do those things. And when it's Chris' turn, you do the same Yn."
Yn took a deep breath before speaking.
"Sensitivity." She said looking at him.
He clenched his jaw before clearing his throat. "I don't uh...I don't have any sensitivity. I'm not conscious of her feelings."
Dr. Daniels jotted notes down as Yn continued to speak.
"Honesty." She said as tears rolled down her face.
That put a dagger in his heart. He couldn't even look her in the eyes.
"I lie." He said simply.
Dr. Daniels quietly wrote in his notes again before speaking. "Very good. Chris."
Chris reared you before speaking.
"Communication." He said softly.
"I tend to shut down at times. Especially when I get angry."
"Forgiveness."
Yn started to bawl in tears. She couldn't even speak on that one. It broke her heart.
"Okay. We'll let that one simmer for a bit." Dr. Daniels said. "Okay, I notice that you two still care for each other. I mean it's obvious. You two have both made mistakes. Marriage and relationships are no cup of tea, walks in the park, or whatever. It's not easy, but as long as you two work for it. That's all that matters. I'm gonna challenge you two to really take time and figure out what it is that you want to do. Individually first, and then come together and come to some common ground. Chris, I'm putting you in a rehab center ASAP, you should hear a call from them in two days or so. Yn, I'm gonna give you this assignment i want you to do. I want to see you guys again next week. Make that two weeks cause you two obviously need more time." He joked. "To end this session, i want you both to say something that's on your heart. It has to really come from the heart! And it has to be positive...." he trailed looking at Yn. "Starting with you, Yn."
Yn looked at Chris and slowly began to speak. "I know I can be a handful, I've been a bit distant. But I'm your wife and I'm gonna always be there for you no matter what. I love you. You're my everything. You mean more to me than you'll ever know."
Chris cleared his throat. "Baby, I'm sorry. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I am so sorry. I let my thoughts. My selfishness, my ego, all of it, I let it get in the way of the love I really have for you, I let it get in the way of the 16 years we've built. I mean every word I say, I love you baby. I do. And I'm praying to God that we can fix this, that we can come back stronger. And when I come out of rehab, I'm gonna be a better man! Better husband for you. I promise." He smoke.
Dr. Daniels smiled and closed his notebook.
"Okay. That concludes our session today. You two have made me hungry, I'm going on lunch." He said making them laugh. "Don't forget, two weeks and please try not to kill each other."
"No promises." Yn said as they headed out of the door.
*****
"Baby, can you please say something." Chris begged.
"Chris, what do you want me to say? I don't have any words. I'm hurting and the best thing you can do is just leave me alone." She said.
"And that's a what I don't want to do. I'm afraid, I don't want you to leave, I don't want to leave."
Before Yn could say anything, Chris' phone began to ring. He looked down at it and back up at Yn before getting up from the table answering it.
"Hello?" He spoke into the phone.
"Chris, I need you to do me a huge favor."
"What's up, Ammika? I'm trying to have dinner with my wife."
"Now it's about your wife butyou weren't thinking about wifey when you-"
"What do you want Ammika?" He cut her off.
"I need you to watch Christian for me. Please. I have a really important meeting to go to at 6."
Chris looked back at Yn who was playing with her food not really paying attention.
"I'll meet up with you to get him but just give me some time first." He said lowly.
"Time? Let me guess, you still haven't had a talk with her?"
"When that becomes your business I'll let you know. I'll text you in an hour and tell you where to meet me." He hung up the phone and walked back to the table.
"Baby....I have something really important to talk to you about." He said softly.
Yn has been trying her best to do her assignment that Dr. Daniels had gave her.
She crossed her arms and gave him her full attention.
"Okay, baby. Look, I've been trying to do really well with not bothering you with this and giving it space. But...baby now I need you to work with me." He paused. "I know I fucked up, aight. I did some shit that was highly unforgivable. And the baby was the last straw, but...now Ammika needs me to step in and be a dad."
Yn didn't say anything she just listened.
"I have to watch the baby for her tonight."
Without saying anything Yn just stood up and grabbed her plate placing it in the sink.
Chris just watched her. He didn't say anything he just watched her. For her not to say anything and was unusual. She even if she just cursed or something, he felt a little better but she was simply just quiet.
"Baby?" He called after her but she still said nothing.
He hit his fist against the table. "Fuck!"
****
"Thank you for doing this." She smiled.
Chris didn't say anything he just took the baby and his bag.
"Aren't you gonna say you're welcome?"
"Go to your meeting, Ammika." He said before closing the door.
Yn was coming down the stairs as Chris was heading into the living room with the baby and they awkwardly caught eye contact but she caught eyes with Christian and he immediately warmed her heart.
She smiled and walked up to him.
"You are the cutest little thing I've ever seen!" She said taking him from Chris. "You have the prettiest eyes....hi Christian, I'm Yn. You're gonna be in good hands, your daddy don't know nothing about babies." She joked. "You wanna watch Smart Guy? Yeah?" She cooed.
Chris stood back and watch her.
"Baby." He said.
"Tell that old man to shut up, huh?" She said to the baby as he smiled and chewed his fingers.
A few minutes later, Chris was in the room with the baby and Yn. Yn was holding him as he was sleep.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" He begged.
"Keep it down the baby is sleeping." She said rocking him.
"Look, Yn. I am so sorry for putting you through this, I apologize for everything. You don't deserve any of this." He paused because usually she would cut him off saying something that has nothing to do with what he said. "I promise I'm gonna do better. For you, and for that boy right there. Baby, I'm sorry." Was all he could say.
"How many times are you gonna be sorry? You're always sorry. And you have to face the fact that when you mess up with your son, you can't just say you're sorry. You're responsible for taking care of him, a whole other person. You have to grow up and be a man, you have to actually be mature enough to be able to take care of this baby. It's not even about us anymore. You can't focus on us. You have to worry about Christian." She said looking down at the baby.
Chris suddenly felt a wave of sadness come over him. "So-so what are you saying babe?" He asked.
"I'm saying, I want a separation. I can't sit here and pretend that I'm not hurt that you brought another baby in here. I'm not mentally ready to take care of your son and I'm still trying to wonder whether or not this marriage is still what I want. I just can't do it." She said.
Chris choked up on his tears as they fell from his eyes. "A separation?" He said lowly. "Baby what?"
"I've thought long and hard about this. It's just best for us right now."
"Separation?" He repeated. "Baby, you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure Chris. I want a separation."
Chris couldn't believe what she was saying. Even though she didn't say she wanted a divorce, a separation was just the same to him.
He didn't know what the fuck to say. He was just stuck.
"Babe are you serious?" He asked.
"I'm dead serious. I think we need time to really get ourselves together first before we continue to go through with this marriage. You do your rehab and then when you complete that step then we'll figure out the rest." She said.
Chris clenched his jaw and sniffed a little holding back the tears that were trying to fall.
He turned around and walked outside pulling his phone out.
"Hey, can I meet you somewhere?"
***
"Thank you for meeting me Doc."
"No problem. What's going on?" He asked.
Chris took a breath before answering. "Yn wants a separation." He cried a little. "I don't want her to leave me doc."
"I knew this was coming. She only asked for a separation, not a divorce."
"It sounds like she's pretty done. I mean, a separation? My parents went through the same thing and they ended up divorcing."
"Chris, there are plenty couples who go through separations and make it out okay. I think you should go through with it. Just trust me, you have a baby that you need to be able to handle. I think it'll be good for you two. Plus while you're away at rehab you'll have something to focus on."
Chris dropped his head.
"Just trust me. In the meantime, you need to pray and ask God to guide you and give you strength also ask for forgiveness and then ask him to allow Yn to forgive you as well."
Chris took Dr. Daniels' advice and applied it. He had been trying for weeks to get Yn to forgive him and prove that he had changed. He even started going to church with his mom to really get guidance and to change his life around.
His rehab had being a success, he had graduated from his program and was about 4 months clean. But the only thing he had to straighten now was coming to common ground with his baby's mother Ammika.
She had tried making his life a living hell while he was in rehab, but now that Chris had a level head, he could tackle his problems head on.
"Thank you for coming tonight." Chris smiled nervously as Yn sat across from him.
"You're welcome." She said softly.
"So before I continue with this dinner, is there anything I should know? Are you seeing someone new?" He asked.
She laughed. "I asked for a separation not a divorce, Chris." She said. "I haven't been seeing anyone or anything."
Chris jokingly took a sigh of relief.
"Good. Now I can relax." He said. "First I just wanna say I'm sorry for everything. Everything I ever put you through. The truth is I didn't know what made me do the shit I was doing. I'm changed now. I'm a changed man and I'm praying that you can see that. Baby forgive me."
Yn smoked a little. "I know you've changed Chris. I can see that. You've really been trying and this parmesan chicken is definitely helping." She joked. "I know you're ready to come back home. But can you mentally handle your baby's mom and out marriage?"
Chris thought for a second before answering. "It'll be hard for sure but I mean, I can handle it."
Yn reached down in her purse and pulled out a small box.
Chris excitedly reached for it but she flicked his hand away moving it on the other side of the table.
"We'll see how much you really want that box at the end of the dinner." She smiled.
"Why you gotta do me like that?"
She laughed. "We'll see." She shrugged. "You know I love surprising you." She said.
"Am I getting lucky?" He asked wiggling his eyebrows.
She threw her head back in laughter.
"I'm saying. We haven't had sex in about 5 months? After my graduation. I'm overdue." He joked.
"We'll see how that goes after you get to open your present." She smiled.
****
"Can I open my present now?" He whined.
"Fine." She said.
Yn had waited until they got back to her apartment before she let him open the gift she had for him.
He playfully shook the box, smiling. "It's a bracelet ain't it?"
"Just open the box before I take it back."
Chris opened the box and froze immediately looking down at her stomach and back at her. "You for real?" He smiled.
She nodded. "I'm for real."
He rubbed her belly and kissed it at the same time. "Daddy baby!!"
"I wanted to wait until I was cleared from the doctors. Everything is fine with the baby there's nothing we have to be worried about. You're gonna be a daddy again."
"Thank you, God." He said smiling.
Things had seemed to be falling in place.
But there was just one thing trying to keep him from progressing.
••••
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