jasper’s p.o.v.
i can’t get the way her deep, brown eyes looked clouded over two days ago. the blood, it was everywhere and it stained through my pants. i burned them in hope it’d burn that memory that’s still etched in my mind.
or how her face turned pale as a sheet and tears were making their way through the corners of her eyes. the way she looked strained, yet so… dead.
but she wasn’t.
and yet, it’s all my fault.
it’s been two days. two days and she’s still not waking up.
“there were a lot of complications during the surgical procedure, but she somehow got lucky and overcame the obstacles,” the surgeon said, looking up at us through his glasses and i was dirty and grimy, and still had her blood stains on my pants. i looked a mess but i didn’t care at all.
“how is she? is she okay?” her mom asked, tears clouding her vision. i couldn’t look at her. she couldn’t look at me.
he adjusted his glasses and shifted his feet. “she should be—“
“should?” i interrupt, my voice cracking and i hated how i sounded and i hated this moment. “what do you mean, “should”?”
he sighs lightly. “we got the bullet out, thankfully. it went through one of her vital organs, so we had trouble with that—“ val’s mom starts to sob and i try my hardest to block out that noise. “—but, she’s okay. she made it out alive and—“
“so, she’s okay?” i find myself asking.
he nods. “but—“
“oh, god,” i whisper to myself, bracing for the worst.
“but,” he repeats. “it’s only a matter of time until she wakes up. my estimate is a few days tops. she went through a traumatic situation, so that would be likely.”
traumatic situation. val went through that. the sweet, beautiful val went through that. and it’s all because of me. me, me, me.
“where’s valerie?” a female voice says loudly from the end of the hallway and i look up to see a girl with brunette hair and green eyes talking to the receptionist. i don’t recognize her and i’ve never seen her before, so i slowly walk up to the desk and the receptionist is talking to her and the girl is not having any of it.
“her mom called me and said she was here… i’m her best friend!”
i stop in my tracks and she must notice my appearance because she looks at me her eyes go wide. she runs up to me and hugs me and it’s all too weird and i don’t know what to do. i freeze in response.
“who—“
“jasmine,” she says, pulling away. “call me jay, that’s what val calls me.”
sudden realization struck me and this is jay. the girl who was there for valerie when i was with them. when i disappeared. “you’re jay?” i ask quietly. she nods and she wipes her eyes with the back of her sleeve. “i thought you—“
“were studying abroad?” she asks. i nod and she sighs. “i-i got a call from val’s mom and she told me all these things that i didn’t believe and—“ she stops to take a breath and she goes to sit down in the nearest hospital chair. i sit down next to her and stare straight ahead. “i just had to come back to see her,” she whispers. “i couldn’t just stay there, i wanted to, i needed—“
she stops and looks at me. she punches me hard in the arm and my eyes go wide. “what the fu—“
“that was for leaving val,” she says, sniffing. “you fucking hurt her, you asshole.”
“i…”
“you can tell me what happened later, i just want to see val—“
“only family allowed,” i say, sighing heavily. she curses and drops her bag on the floor. i look at her and she looks at me.
“i… um, thanks,” i quietly say. “thanks for being there for val and—“
she raises a hand to dismiss my words and smiles at me sadly. “don’t thank me, i was just being a good friend.”
i glance away at her choice of words. i wasn’t a good friend. i’d never be a good friend, quite frankly. i love val so much it hurts. it hurts and it stings and it’s torture, but i’d do anything for her. now she’s beaten and wounded in a four-walled white, hospital room and it’s all my fault.
“you don’t look good,” jay says after a while. “have you slept since she’s been here?”
i shake my head slowly. “i can’t,” i say. the dark circles are present under my eyes and i haven’t slept in two days. i couldn’t.
“what’d the doctors say?” she asks quietly. “her mom told me she hasn’t woke up yet…”
“they don’t know when,” i whisper. “they think in a few days, but who the hell knows? it’s all a matter of chance and luck and bullshit.”
silence follows through and i’m left with my own monstrous thoughts and the sound of jay sniffing and the receptionist typing away. i bounce my leg up and down to steady my thoughts, but to no avail.
val suddenly sighs and looks at me. “she loves you, dude.” i feel the familiar prickling sensation in my eyes and i should be crying, but i’m not. crying doesn’t help anything. it doesn’t help, so why is there a tear cascading down my cheek? i go to wipe it. “i don’t see why. you’ve screwed up and—“
“i know—“
“you’ve caused her and her mom so much pain—“
“i know that—“
“she’s in the hospital because of you—“
“no shit—“
“but she loves you too much to let you go,” she finishes. silence corners around us and we’re left with nothing to say for a while until she speaks up again. “you’re not good for her, but you’re not bad for her, either.”
“are you just here to judge me or…?“
she shakes her head. “i just want the best for val right now, you know?”
“we all do, jasmine—“
“jay,” she corrects. i mumble a “sorry” before she continues talking. “has she, um, shown you the…” she trails off, looking at me.
“the journal?” i ask quietly. she nods. i shrug and pull my lips in a thin line. “i read the first few pages of it. i stopped when—“
“it said she loved you?”
i turn to jay and she has that look in her eye. i nod. “i never knew she loved me like that. i expected her to forget me and move on with her life when i left—“ she opens her mouth, but i hold up a finger to stop her for a minute before continuing. “but she didn’t, and when i read that, believe me, i was happy. but i was also sad and mad at myself. i made her feel too many emotions and i was so scared she was going to… crash? i don’t know the word, but do you know what i mean?”
she nods. “val’s fragile, jasper.”
“i know.”
“she’s also dependent.”
“i know.”
“she—“
“i get it, okay?” i snap. she raises her arms in the air and raises her eyebrows at me. “sorry,” i say. “i just want her to wake up already...”
she pats my knee a few times and whispers, “we all do.”
i sigh loudly. “i fucking hate this.”
“i hate this, too.”
“it’s all my fault—“
“did they find the guy that shot her?” she asks suddenly. i shake my head. “what the fuck?” she says exasperatedly.
“he ran. that coward,” i spat. “fucking coward…”
“they’ll find him one day, jasper…” she says, but there’s a tone in her voice and i look at her. “what?” she asks.
“you sound hesitant, that’s what.”
“it’s like déjà vu. i was there for valerie and now i’m here for you,” she says and smiles sadly. “i just want to make sure you two are okay.”
“we’re okay,” i say, jumping to conclusions. “val and i will always be okay…”
“things are gonna change, jasper,” she says. she’s right. “and i hope for the better.”
“i hope so, too.”